ah in rehab AGAIN
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: jefferson pa
Posts: 14
ah in rehab AGAIN
Hi everyone .. I have a new screen name but have been on here before ... had to get a new password and name but wanted some advice or input .
My AH is in rehab for the 6th time in the past year .. he usually does this when i just have had it and he is afraid i or another family member will call probation so he goes to detox and then comes home ..talks wonderful when he calls .about AA ..how he knows he has to do better and as soon as he walks in the door he wants to drink .. This time is different in that i have made great changes .. I decided after a couple months of the abuse and excessive drinking lasting from Sept ot Nov that i could not go thru the abuse again ./../ Plus my 18 yr old daughter moving out that used to help me with the household chores and kinda take the edge of the tension in the home .. since she left its been all on me as far as him expecting me to enable him and if i didnt would get verbally abusive .. I am the only one that works .. have two younger children ... so he forced me to some extent to go and buy the alcohol .. and if not would trick me or anyone else that would be there .... Go to grocery store and take keys from ignition so i didnt leave him there and run into the liquor store .. I know i am rambling ..but just so you know I have been in a living hell .. I went from accepting the behavior to denial .. to battling it and back again .. so anyway . I have managed in the last month or so to rent another place .. and the detox visist i have managed to get that place semi set up ...so my question is ... he said in the detox that he doesnt think he will go to the rehab portion as he has been in soo many and he knows what to do anyway .he just wants to go to AA everyday ...and he feels he can handle it ... I dont want a repeat of the past tries and i dont feel I should even be here ...because if i am not here he has no access to money but i am so afraid that he will explode ..I guess that means he is not serious anyway if he does ..I just want to leave ..tell him from a distance to live up to what he said about AA meeting and then as he is in recovery we can see what to do about our marriage . what do you think ? I just simply can not stand being around alcohol anymore .....20 years has been too much .. all the insanity ... I feel so terrible too ...he called and it was like the old him ... rational ... kind ..but then as soon as he sees me it will be that same old pressure and need to get alcohol .... any words of wisdom ?
My AH is in rehab for the 6th time in the past year .. he usually does this when i just have had it and he is afraid i or another family member will call probation so he goes to detox and then comes home ..talks wonderful when he calls .about AA ..how he knows he has to do better and as soon as he walks in the door he wants to drink .. This time is different in that i have made great changes .. I decided after a couple months of the abuse and excessive drinking lasting from Sept ot Nov that i could not go thru the abuse again ./../ Plus my 18 yr old daughter moving out that used to help me with the household chores and kinda take the edge of the tension in the home .. since she left its been all on me as far as him expecting me to enable him and if i didnt would get verbally abusive .. I am the only one that works .. have two younger children ... so he forced me to some extent to go and buy the alcohol .. and if not would trick me or anyone else that would be there .... Go to grocery store and take keys from ignition so i didnt leave him there and run into the liquor store .. I know i am rambling ..but just so you know I have been in a living hell .. I went from accepting the behavior to denial .. to battling it and back again .. so anyway . I have managed in the last month or so to rent another place .. and the detox visist i have managed to get that place semi set up ...so my question is ... he said in the detox that he doesnt think he will go to the rehab portion as he has been in soo many and he knows what to do anyway .he just wants to go to AA everyday ...and he feels he can handle it ... I dont want a repeat of the past tries and i dont feel I should even be here ...because if i am not here he has no access to money but i am so afraid that he will explode ..I guess that means he is not serious anyway if he does ..I just want to leave ..tell him from a distance to live up to what he said about AA meeting and then as he is in recovery we can see what to do about our marriage . what do you think ? I just simply can not stand being around alcohol anymore .....20 years has been too much .. all the insanity ... I feel so terrible too ...he called and it was like the old him ... rational ... kind ..but then as soon as he sees me it will be that same old pressure and need to get alcohol .... any words of wisdom ?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
the only words I have will take courage to do.
you will benefit from calling one of the many safe spaces in your area.
There's some that are national... some names are similar to like
Safe Harbor, Lighthouse... I'm sure you can find one in the phone book if not more online.
There *are* facilities that take in women who are in danger.
And I don't know if you are fully cognizant of that fact.
But you are in danger.
Abuse... is never ok.
It is never normal.
It is never excuseable.
You are being forced to perform actions against your will or suffer bodily harm.
that's not only illegal (or at least should be if not where you are)
It's against Sacred Law.
Get on the phone
get online
you said yourself that your daughter is now safe
Get yourself safe now.
He's only going to be out of the way for a few days.
you have to act.
NO ONE is going to do this for you.
Many of us who were abused so desperately need someone to step in and save us.
People who deal with the abused don't realize that
an act of free will
to someone who endures abuse
is as impossible a task
as digging your own appendix out
with a spoon.
But somewhere inside yourself
you need to find the power to do this.
We're here to support you.
But you have to make that call.
you will benefit from calling one of the many safe spaces in your area.
There's some that are national... some names are similar to like
Safe Harbor, Lighthouse... I'm sure you can find one in the phone book if not more online.
There *are* facilities that take in women who are in danger.
And I don't know if you are fully cognizant of that fact.
But you are in danger.
Abuse... is never ok.
It is never normal.
It is never excuseable.
You are being forced to perform actions against your will or suffer bodily harm.
that's not only illegal (or at least should be if not where you are)
It's against Sacred Law.
Get on the phone
get online
you said yourself that your daughter is now safe
Get yourself safe now.
He's only going to be out of the way for a few days.
you have to act.
NO ONE is going to do this for you.
Many of us who were abused so desperately need someone to step in and save us.
People who deal with the abused don't realize that
an act of free will
to someone who endures abuse
is as impossible a task
as digging your own appendix out
with a spoon.
But somewhere inside yourself
you need to find the power to do this.
We're here to support you.
But you have to make that call.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think you see a pattern, no?
No one deserves to be abused, whether it's physical or emotional...no one.
Rehab 6 times in one year, and he still can't get it right? He doesn't want it, plain and simple. He just wants people off his back, and then he will be back to the same old, same old.
You are a child of God, and deserve peace of mind and a quiet heart!
No one deserves to be abused, whether it's physical or emotional...no one.
Rehab 6 times in one year, and he still can't get it right? He doesn't want it, plain and simple. He just wants people off his back, and then he will be back to the same old, same old.
You are a child of God, and deserve peace of mind and a quiet heart!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
I think you know the pattern - I know it too. My AH is very good at "treatment" - he's been in 3 inpatient and 2 outpatient in the last 18 months. He says all the right things - he knows what went wrong - he knows what he needs to do to stay sober - he really wants a life of sobriety, etc. But each and everytime he gets out and gets back to daily life, he relapses.
20 years is a very long time.
Hugs to you!
20 years is a very long time.
Hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: jefferson pa
Posts: 14
I dont know what i am getting out of this!! ....a massage sometimes ...him starting the fire sometimes .. sex sometimes ... watching a movie together ..an i love you ...but not actions .what i really deperately need ..someone to share responsibilities and life ...someone to be there for me thru the good and bad ..to really hear my cries .no i dont have that ....Plus I have to watch him kill himself daily and be verbally abused and manipulated to help him . . need support .... I am very afraid ..I know its best ..but its so hard to leave . I just feel thats better for me ....plus I can not believe he just forces me to buy the alcohol and tolerate it just because he knows I have not left and stayed and wanted this more then anything to work .but yes its totally been one sided for many years . he will say otherwise but wont do anything to contribute or say thru actions I am here for you ...or say I accept responsibilty for myself .
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Peace-
I know better than you think exactly EXACTLY what you're feeling.
You feel like what I just wrote is more than you can do.
You feel like getting out - getting away-
is more dangerous than staying.
As a survivor I am telling you that is the lie 'they' put on us to make sure we stay.
Pavlov's dogs. all of us.
You said he doesn't have the money? Control of the money?
Use it.
Get out.
Anything in that house,
apartment whatever -
can be replaced.
You ... cannot.
Your daughter needs a mother.
I know it's like looking into the world from a keyhole.
The world looks too big,
too strong,
too fast,
too loud.
But there *is* help through that keyhole.
Find one of those numbers, hon.
Call.
There's people, right around you ... who can help.
I know better than you think exactly EXACTLY what you're feeling.
You feel like what I just wrote is more than you can do.
You feel like getting out - getting away-
is more dangerous than staying.
As a survivor I am telling you that is the lie 'they' put on us to make sure we stay.
Pavlov's dogs. all of us.
You said he doesn't have the money? Control of the money?
Use it.
Get out.
Anything in that house,
apartment whatever -
can be replaced.
You ... cannot.
Your daughter needs a mother.
I know it's like looking into the world from a keyhole.
The world looks too big,
too strong,
too fast,
too loud.
But there *is* help through that keyhole.
Find one of those numbers, hon.
Call.
There's people, right around you ... who can help.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
If the man has been in rehab six times, the truth of the matter is, he doesn't want to live a sober life. You say you have managed to get yourself another place, so why not take this opportunity while he is gone to get moved in. There is never a good reason to stay with someone who abuses you. Your daughter has already left that unhealthy environment and now it's time for you to do the same. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Liz
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: jhb
Posts: 9
I am new to this to so I don't have any wise words but I will be praying for you. Remember, you need to take care of yourself. You are self sufficient, at least you have a job. And you need to think of your younger children too. they are lucky to have a mother who they can rely on. I am the child of an alcoholic and it messes you up. If nothing else, move out for the sanity of your kids. As scary as it seems, I really believe you will be protected and you will find the peace and joy that you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You have been thru this 6 times and all his in between ABUSE of the drink and YOU, and unless you make the change, you will be there for his 20th or more.
Finally you will call TIME, and then kick yourself for not having left him to his only love and the life he WANTS to keep......Save this hassle and DO IT NOW.
God bless
Finally you will call TIME, and then kick yourself for not having left him to his only love and the life he WANTS to keep......Save this hassle and DO IT NOW.
God bless
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