Step Study - Step Five
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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Step Study - Step Five
If you are just joining in, this is an online Step Study. Each of the 12 steps will have its own thread, so you can participate at whatever level you are comfortable.
Most of the information here comes from the books Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997and How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics ©1995, along with some readings from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon II ©1992.
Here are links to the other steps in case you want to review:
Step 1 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2061194
Step 2 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-2-a.html
Step 3 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-3-a.html
Step 4 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-4-a.html
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
From How Al Anon Works For Families and Friends of Alcoholics, pp 53-55.
Step Four helped us to learn about ourselves, our strengths and our shortcomings. In taking Step Five, we acknowledge what our inventory has helped us to discover, revealing these insights not only to ourselves and our Higher Power, but to another person as well.
The thought of admitting our darkest secrets to someone else can be frightening at first. We fear that our wrongs are worse than anyone else’s, and that we would be humiliated if we ever admitted them to another human being. Perhaps the alcoholic in our lives has led us to believe that we are horrible people; perhaps we created this damaging illusion ourselves. But, if we can summon the courage to challenge these fears, and can go ahead and take Step Five in spite of them, we take a huge stride toward personal freedom.
Not only does Step Five help us to learn that what we have done isn’t so terrible or so irredeemable, but also that there are people who will love us unconditionally, even if they know the very worst about is. Most of us are astonished to discover that we are the only ones who judge ourselves and our wrongs harshly. This Step can dramatically change the way we look at ourselves and others, and most of us find it well worth the effort.
First, we admit what we have learned to the God of our understanding. The purpose of this admission is to “come clean” before God, to allow ourselves to be exactly who we are within this vitally important spiritual relationship.
Then we admit to ourselves what our inventory has revealed. In other words, we take responsibility for ourselves. We avoid the temptation to justify our behaviors and attitudes, blame others or excuse our past wrongs. We also avoid giving in to the urge to dismiss our talents and invalidate our character assets. We simply say, “This is who I am.”
Finally, we admit this information to another human being. It’s important to choose someone who understands this Step, someone who is supportive, loving and compassionate and who will listen without judging or condemning. Although our most beloved and trusted friend may be the alcoholic in our lives, most of us find it unwise to work this Step with him or her. There is too much potential for conflict and emotional complications. Instead, because it can be very helpful to share this experience with someone who has already worked Step Five, many of us work this Step with our sponsor or another trusted Al Anon Friend. Others choose a therapist or member of the clergy with whom they feel comfortable. We share in detail not only listing our wrongs but discussing them in depth, and when we are finished, we try to keep an open mind to hear what the other person may choose to offer in response. Many of us find that our Higher Power can speak to us through others, and this is a prime opportunity for such communications.
We often pay particular attention to our limitations when we take Step Five because these are things that hold us back and interfere with our ability to live happier, healthier lives. We try to identify the “exact nature of our wrongs”, the motives or patterns behind these shortcomings, recognizing that many of our past errors were merely symptoms of an underlying problem or weakness of character. For example, our inventory might have unearthed occasions when we stole cookies from our local market. Upon closer examination, we may realize that the underlying problem was a fear that we wouldn’t have enough to eat. Fear is often thought to be a lack of faith – we are afraid because we do not trust that our Higher Power will take care of our needs. Thus, we might determine that a lack of faith, rather than a propensity for theft, is the exact nature of our wrong in this case.
But, we also acknowledge our talents, our strengths, our positive actions and attributes. Perhaps it has become clear through our inventory that the driving force in our life today is a tremendous willingness to do whatever it takes to heal. Although we have made a concerted effort to attend Al Anon meetings, reach out to others, read Al Anon literature and take the Twelve Steps, we may have over looked the fact that we are doing something wonderful for ourselves. No longer are we pursuing a path of self-destruction. Instead, we are committed to changing our lives. This is something worth celebrating, something in which we can take pride. Describing these changes, traits and talents to someone one else makes it much more difficult to casually dismiss them.
We are building a new life. Some of the building process involves tearing down materials that stand in the way of our plans. But the process also involves taking the best of what we already have and expanding upon it. Our character assets can form the basis of a life centered around self-love and self-caring if we recognize and admit their importance.
Most of the information here comes from the books Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997and How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics ©1995, along with some readings from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon II ©1992.
Here are links to the other steps in case you want to review:
Step 1 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2061194
Step 2 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-2-a.html
Step 3 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-3-a.html
Step 4 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-4-a.html
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
From How Al Anon Works For Families and Friends of Alcoholics, pp 53-55.
Step Four helped us to learn about ourselves, our strengths and our shortcomings. In taking Step Five, we acknowledge what our inventory has helped us to discover, revealing these insights not only to ourselves and our Higher Power, but to another person as well.
The thought of admitting our darkest secrets to someone else can be frightening at first. We fear that our wrongs are worse than anyone else’s, and that we would be humiliated if we ever admitted them to another human being. Perhaps the alcoholic in our lives has led us to believe that we are horrible people; perhaps we created this damaging illusion ourselves. But, if we can summon the courage to challenge these fears, and can go ahead and take Step Five in spite of them, we take a huge stride toward personal freedom.
Not only does Step Five help us to learn that what we have done isn’t so terrible or so irredeemable, but also that there are people who will love us unconditionally, even if they know the very worst about is. Most of us are astonished to discover that we are the only ones who judge ourselves and our wrongs harshly. This Step can dramatically change the way we look at ourselves and others, and most of us find it well worth the effort.
First, we admit what we have learned to the God of our understanding. The purpose of this admission is to “come clean” before God, to allow ourselves to be exactly who we are within this vitally important spiritual relationship.
Then we admit to ourselves what our inventory has revealed. In other words, we take responsibility for ourselves. We avoid the temptation to justify our behaviors and attitudes, blame others or excuse our past wrongs. We also avoid giving in to the urge to dismiss our talents and invalidate our character assets. We simply say, “This is who I am.”
Finally, we admit this information to another human being. It’s important to choose someone who understands this Step, someone who is supportive, loving and compassionate and who will listen without judging or condemning. Although our most beloved and trusted friend may be the alcoholic in our lives, most of us find it unwise to work this Step with him or her. There is too much potential for conflict and emotional complications. Instead, because it can be very helpful to share this experience with someone who has already worked Step Five, many of us work this Step with our sponsor or another trusted Al Anon Friend. Others choose a therapist or member of the clergy with whom they feel comfortable. We share in detail not only listing our wrongs but discussing them in depth, and when we are finished, we try to keep an open mind to hear what the other person may choose to offer in response. Many of us find that our Higher Power can speak to us through others, and this is a prime opportunity for such communications.
We often pay particular attention to our limitations when we take Step Five because these are things that hold us back and interfere with our ability to live happier, healthier lives. We try to identify the “exact nature of our wrongs”, the motives or patterns behind these shortcomings, recognizing that many of our past errors were merely symptoms of an underlying problem or weakness of character. For example, our inventory might have unearthed occasions when we stole cookies from our local market. Upon closer examination, we may realize that the underlying problem was a fear that we wouldn’t have enough to eat. Fear is often thought to be a lack of faith – we are afraid because we do not trust that our Higher Power will take care of our needs. Thus, we might determine that a lack of faith, rather than a propensity for theft, is the exact nature of our wrong in this case.
But, we also acknowledge our talents, our strengths, our positive actions and attributes. Perhaps it has become clear through our inventory that the driving force in our life today is a tremendous willingness to do whatever it takes to heal. Although we have made a concerted effort to attend Al Anon meetings, reach out to others, read Al Anon literature and take the Twelve Steps, we may have over looked the fact that we are doing something wonderful for ourselves. No longer are we pursuing a path of self-destruction. Instead, we are committed to changing our lives. This is something worth celebrating, something in which we can take pride. Describing these changes, traits and talents to someone one else makes it much more difficult to casually dismiss them.
We are building a new life. Some of the building process involves tearing down materials that stand in the way of our plans. But the process also involves taking the best of what we already have and expanding upon it. Our character assets can form the basis of a life centered around self-love and self-caring if we recognize and admit their importance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
As we prepare to admit our faults, we can begin by asking ourselves the following questions or use them for a group discussion:
If I have completed my Fourth Step inventory, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another person?
In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest?
What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults?
Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring?
What expectations do I have about how I should feel or what I should experience when I admit my faults?
Am I ready to let these expectations go and allow the God of my understanding to determine the best results for me? How do I know?
If I do not feel ready to do this step, do I need to do more work on Steps One through Four?
Would I be willing to group my inventory into things I could admit, things I might admit, and things I think, “No Way! I’ll never be able to do that,” and then start with the “could” list?
Am I afraid to admit my faults to my Higher Power? Why?
Who in the program could I call to discuss my fears about God?
Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over? What are my fears?
How can admitting my faults to the God of my understanding help me?
Can I concede that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?
How do I try to excuse myself from harms I may have done?
With whom will I share my Fifth Step? What qualities make me choose this person? Do I trust him or her?
Do I have any of those qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets?
What may block me from trusting someone with my truth? Can I share these fears with another person?
How does my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally, even after hearing my Fifth Step?
How can telling someone else the exact nature of my wrongs enhance my ability to see myself?
How have I isolated myself? Do I believe that sharing with another person can lead to relief from isolation?
What is the one thing I don’t want to tell another person? Can I start there?
Can being honest and admitting a mistake have positive consequences? What are they?
Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn’t judge?
In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs?
What have I learned about fear? Honesty? Trust? Acceptance?
How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person?
What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed Step Five, what am I feeling? Is anything different? Better?
If I have completed my Fourth Step inventory, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another person?
In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest?
What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults?
Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring?
What expectations do I have about how I should feel or what I should experience when I admit my faults?
Am I ready to let these expectations go and allow the God of my understanding to determine the best results for me? How do I know?
If I do not feel ready to do this step, do I need to do more work on Steps One through Four?
Would I be willing to group my inventory into things I could admit, things I might admit, and things I think, “No Way! I’ll never be able to do that,” and then start with the “could” list?
Am I afraid to admit my faults to my Higher Power? Why?
Who in the program could I call to discuss my fears about God?
Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over? What are my fears?
How can admitting my faults to the God of my understanding help me?
Can I concede that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?
How do I try to excuse myself from harms I may have done?
With whom will I share my Fifth Step? What qualities make me choose this person? Do I trust him or her?
Do I have any of those qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets?
What may block me from trusting someone with my truth? Can I share these fears with another person?
How does my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally, even after hearing my Fifth Step?
How can telling someone else the exact nature of my wrongs enhance my ability to see myself?
How have I isolated myself? Do I believe that sharing with another person can lead to relief from isolation?
What is the one thing I don’t want to tell another person? Can I start there?
Can being honest and admitting a mistake have positive consequences? What are they?
Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn’t judge?
In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs?
What have I learned about fear? Honesty? Trust? Acceptance?
How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person?
What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed Step Five, what am I feeling? Is anything different? Better?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 5/6
I was intimidated by Step Five, because it meant revealing my darkest secrets to another person. Afraid that I would be rejected for being less than perfect, I put so much energy into hiding the truth that, although no one rejected me, I was as isolated and lonely as if they had.
When I realized how painful it was to continue living that way, I found a sponsor and asked for help. We worked the Fifth Step, and I shared some of my characteristics and attitudes that I found particularly shameful. My sponsor began to laugh. “You see,” he quickly explained, “I’m laughing because five years ago I said the same things to my sponsor, almost word for word!”
I would never have imagined the universality of my experiences. I would never have guessed that, in sharing what I felt made me different from other people, I would discover how alike we all really are.
Today’s Reminder
Many have shown shame and fear and many have known joy. Sharing mine with others today will make my ride through life a smoother one.
“Deep down I had the nagging knowledge that there would be no real relief from myself until I could bring my problem out in the open and talk to somebody else about it…
As We Understood…
=======
When I took Step Five, I did so with my sponsor. We chose a Saturday afternoon in the early winter. She had a fire burning in the fireplace, and we each had a cup of hot tea. She had worked with me on my personal inventory from Step Four, so this was a natural progression. She listened to me when I shared my 5th step. She offered some wonderful feedback, and she noted some things about me that I didn't yet see for myself. She showed me how many of my character defects were just character assets that were a little bit out of balance, etc.
When we were through discussing my assets and defects, she asked me if I was ready to release all of it to the god of my understanding. I agreed that yes, I was.... and we took my paperwork and put it into the fireplace. I will never forget how free and uplifted I felt as those papers burned. She told me that the words were now ash, and would travel up the chimney and out with the smoke, up to my Higher Power.
I will be forever grateful to Judy B for being my sponsor. I know that Heaven is a richer place because of her presence there.
I was intimidated by Step Five, because it meant revealing my darkest secrets to another person. Afraid that I would be rejected for being less than perfect, I put so much energy into hiding the truth that, although no one rejected me, I was as isolated and lonely as if they had.
When I realized how painful it was to continue living that way, I found a sponsor and asked for help. We worked the Fifth Step, and I shared some of my characteristics and attitudes that I found particularly shameful. My sponsor began to laugh. “You see,” he quickly explained, “I’m laughing because five years ago I said the same things to my sponsor, almost word for word!”
I would never have imagined the universality of my experiences. I would never have guessed that, in sharing what I felt made me different from other people, I would discover how alike we all really are.
Today’s Reminder
Many have shown shame and fear and many have known joy. Sharing mine with others today will make my ride through life a smoother one.
“Deep down I had the nagging knowledge that there would be no real relief from myself until I could bring my problem out in the open and talk to somebody else about it…
As We Understood…
=======
When I took Step Five, I did so with my sponsor. We chose a Saturday afternoon in the early winter. She had a fire burning in the fireplace, and we each had a cup of hot tea. She had worked with me on my personal inventory from Step Four, so this was a natural progression. She listened to me when I shared my 5th step. She offered some wonderful feedback, and she noted some things about me that I didn't yet see for myself. She showed me how many of my character defects were just character assets that were a little bit out of balance, etc.
When we were through discussing my assets and defects, she asked me if I was ready to release all of it to the god of my understanding. I agreed that yes, I was.... and we took my paperwork and put it into the fireplace. I will never forget how free and uplifted I felt as those papers burned. She told me that the words were now ash, and would travel up the chimney and out with the smoke, up to my Higher Power.
I will be forever grateful to Judy B for being my sponsor. I know that Heaven is a richer place because of her presence there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I had an enormous amount of trouble with Step 5. I just chafed at it. In hindsight, it was because I needed to do more work on steps 1-4, but the big problem was that one little word at the end: Wrongs.
I was still very much in a space where something in me would rise up and screech "Wrongs? What did *I* do??? They're the alcoholics. I'm just trying to not let them ruin my life. I've done nothing to be ashamed of!" And so on and so forth, in a most irritated and indignant manner. It's one thing to write my dark thoughts to me, and say "I'm like this, and I don't like that about me. I've not been as good/kind/calm/whatever person as I'd like to be."
It's another story to bring that out and talk to someone else about it. That seemed to make it more....judgmental or something.
Eventually, I could take the step. It took a long time, and a lot of work around anger and self-protection. Here's the thing: Somehow, admitting that I was "wrong" (about anything) made me feel weak and exposed to more pain and damage. it was like peeling a piece of me open so I could be punched there again. But eventually I realized that attitude was just an illusion.
I am not a perfect person. That's just fine. In my writing now (read by lots of people) I have no qualms about admitting where I've made mistakes. I will freely admit my wrongs now to others, and accept their support in becoming a better person. But oh heavens, Step 5 was quite a challenge at first!
Thanks, Cats
I was still very much in a space where something in me would rise up and screech "Wrongs? What did *I* do??? They're the alcoholics. I'm just trying to not let them ruin my life. I've done nothing to be ashamed of!" And so on and so forth, in a most irritated and indignant manner. It's one thing to write my dark thoughts to me, and say "I'm like this, and I don't like that about me. I've not been as good/kind/calm/whatever person as I'd like to be."
It's another story to bring that out and talk to someone else about it. That seemed to make it more....judgmental or something.
Eventually, I could take the step. It took a long time, and a lot of work around anger and self-protection. Here's the thing: Somehow, admitting that I was "wrong" (about anything) made me feel weak and exposed to more pain and damage. it was like peeling a piece of me open so I could be punched there again. But eventually I realized that attitude was just an illusion.
I am not a perfect person. That's just fine. In my writing now (read by lots of people) I have no qualms about admitting where I've made mistakes. I will freely admit my wrongs now to others, and accept their support in becoming a better person. But oh heavens, Step 5 was quite a challenge at first!
Thanks, Cats
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Here's the thing: Somehow, admitting that I was "wrong" (about anything) made me feel weak and exposed to more pain and damage. it was like peeling a piece of me open so I could be punched there again. But eventually I realized that attitude was just an illusion.
I am not a perfect person. That's just fine.
I am not a perfect person. That's just fine.
I can admit to where I am wrong. I am self reflecting almost to a fault at times. At others when I have not seen my error, or I do not see it for some time afterward, it is still uncomfortable to hear about it from other people.
I still cannot easily from my parents who are both emotional and verbal abusers toward me and who use my faults as a weapon against me. In the depths of what they are saying to me there may well be a truth but it is covered over with so much accusation, superiority, belittlement and judgemental behaviour that unless I am exceptionally clear minded and detached, I only hear the abuse.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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