learningtofly

I have only posted on here one other time. About 2 weeks ago I found out my AH was still taking pills after 2 weeks prior he was in an accident due to him DUI.

He is going to his counselor and he is not showing any signs of using. I feel in my gut it's just a matter of time before he pops another pill or he is still taking them and I just haven't seen the signs.

His counselor recommended him to think about something he could use to relieve stress. So he moved out his punching bag and weight bench in the garage. That was a week ago and he has not been out there once to use it.
This morning I asked him if he had been using his punching bag. He said no that he doesn't get stressed out and he doesn't need to really use it. He said that was just her idea. Then he walks away and turns to go out on the patio to smoke. He was getting ready to leave for work so I said where are you going? He said I'm going to smoke a cig. I replied and asked him why don't you just smoke when you get in the car your getting ready to leave. He said OK and hesitated. I asked him why did you just walk away like that I was trying to talk to you. He said he didn't want to get in an argument. I told him I was just talking to him and there was no argument. He said he just didn't want to talk about it.

So I am pissed!! I feel as though this whole thing is a big secret and that it's not to be talked about. We have talked about it before, but we have not spoke about it since he tested positive for drugs 2 weeks ago. He doesn't say anything and I have been trying not to bring it up because I thought when he was ready he would come to me.

It's driving me crazy!!!

I feel I am on pins and needle. I want to know how he is doing! I want to know if he is struggling! I want to know if he feels bad! I want to know WTF is going on with him?

I am stressed. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I am mad that our family is going through this! I do not feel respect for him! I feel he has let me down! I feel that he is weak and I am having a hard time that he let this get so out of hand!! I am mad that I feel we can't talk about it! I want to start counseling for the 2 of us, but his counselor said I would have to wait to go to counseling with him until she got him to a certain point. I understand . . . I really do understand. .. but I'm pissed . . . I'm sick of being the strong one and having to hold it together.

I know there is a lot of "I" in this post and I know I am being selfish, but god I just wanna scream!

Then I can't help, but to think that he is still using drugs because he doesn't want to talk about it. But then I think ok well no maybe not because he has really always been that way. He doesn’t like to really TALK about what’s going on with him.

I'm trying to focus on me and my son, but I want to do things with my husband. I want to talk like we use to and have fun together. There are many things I can do with out him, but that’s why I got married is to be with him.
I'm so pissed . . . . maybe I need to go punch his punching bag LOL

pinpoint

Check out meetings for you. Your suspicions might be correct about him using, but might not be. Remember, addiction is a cunning, subtle monster. He's going thru a lot and so are you. Go to meetings.

sofacat

It's okay to feel p!ssed and angry...as long as you try to understand what you are angry about?

I'm going to be blunt...sometimes we need it:

Are you angry because you are trying to control his recovery and he won't let you?

It is his process to work through, just as it is your process to work on your own recovery.

IMO you need to untangle from him and he needs to untangle from you.

We become so accustomed to fixing and controlling that we don't see that:
One: it never works.
Two: it never works.
Three: it never works.

Stay here, read everything...and know that you are not alone.

ninja

I can so relate to you. A little voice in my head has said my boyfriend's using pills again and it turned out to be right! For over 3 months! Lies right to my face! I want this man gone today so I can pull my life back together! Always listen to the voice inside you. We've been together through five years of treatments, counselling, support groups, methadone and at every opportunity that he can find to use behind my back, he takes. Stay strong - so will I.

learningtofly

I think the meetings might be a good idea. I looked online to check them out, but it was NA meetings that anyone could sit in on. Are there meeting just for the family of addicts?

Yes you guys are probably right. (damn it)

It is hard though to fully grasp the fact that I need to step away and start recovey for myself. I feel that this has all happened because of him and that unless we do it together it doesn't really make since.

I feel bad that I have so much anger toward him. I don't see him the same way any more.

I guess those are the things "I" need to work on by myself huh?

I struggle with blaming him because he let himself get to this point. I also struggle with the fact I let this go on for so long and I was so stupid!!

When we were dating I found pills at his house. I spoke to him about it and he said it was no big deal and that he had no prob. not taking them. That was almost 5 years ago. Since I didn't really know very much about pill's I thought it wasn't that big of a deal.

I now can't help, but to think our whole marriage is a big lie. That the person I married was a person on drugs the whole time and that maybe I haven't ever met the real person. I was so blind!
I thought I was a good judge of character and that I knew him! I can't help but to think that maybe I have made a huge mistake.

frankly

Go punch that bag! Really, go do it. If need be, picture his face on it (or paint it on) and just rack it as hard as you can. Feel that anger and then release it. You have every right to be angry. But.......Isn't there always a butt in the conversation? lol After you have let that anger out, realize how much it takes out of you, how much it is depriving you of enjoying life, stealing away your smiles.

Then say to yourself, to heck with this, I'm going to put this aside for a little while, I'm going to go do something special for myself, and I'll pick this up later. Then do something just for you. Not him, not for you and him. Just for you. Sometimes we forget the importance of just stepping back and pampering ourselves every now and then.

Later on, after you don't feel so angry, then start looking at why it made you so angry. Not just what he has or has not done, but why it frustrates you and controlls you. Write it down. Be real honest and write down all of the reasons. Then look at that list and deside which ones on it can be changed by you (not him). Change the things you can, let go of the ones you can't, place those in HP's hands.

Hugs
B

Momsrainbow

I agrree with Frankly, go punch on the bag!!!!!!

Trying to talk to him will probably not get you anywhere except stressed. He will talk when he is ready! Pushing him will do no good to either of you.

Let him do his own thing(he is going to anyway), nothing you can do about it.

You do your thing and take the focus off of what he is doing.

JMO

learningtofly

Thanks everyone for the posts! They have all been very helpful : )

Cynical thank you for the links I have checked them out and I found a group near me.

Frankly I took your advice and decided to let some steam off. I went for a walk w/ my son. I do feel a little more clear. I have spent a lot of time letting this bring me down. I don't want to give my smiles away to this. It is hard though. I feel this is my whole life here spinning out of control.

I am happy that I have SR to come to when I let it all get the best of me.

I didn't really think about my recovery. It all seems to be focused on him because he is what started all of this. I'm going to keep reading here and attending some of the meetings.
Thank YOU!!

coffeedrinker

And he obviously is not. And, IMO, he will not be if you continue to follow him around in an effort to engage him.

I could sit here and make the assessment that he is not taking his recovery seriously, due to his inactions and his not wanting to talk about it, but #1, I could be wrong and #2, that's not the best response to your post.

You are frustrated because he is not who you want him to be. Believe me I understand. But it is a losing battle, and you just end up more than frustrated, you end up resentful and possibly bitter. Best to try to find a way out of that pattern. I hope you have a good experience at the al-anon meeting