ninja

So, my Dad was an addict. I tried to save him. I nearly destroyed my own life. Kicked him out. He died. That day.
So, my husband was an addict. I tried to save him. I nearly destroyed my own life. After 25 years I kicked him out. He died six months later.
So, my very best friend from my childhood became my boyfriend. He turned out to be an addict. I tried to save him. After 5 years of living together, I will be kicking him out in the morning.

Now, I know I can't control whether an addict lives or dies. Just giving you a glimpse of my angst.

I'm so tired of this.

Spiritual Seeker

But you survive...
You know that you can't "go down w/ the ship."
Addiction is a fatal disease. Sorry your loved ones have been victims an unable to
change course.

Today is a new day and you can change course no matter what the alcoholic chooses.

Impurrfect

(((Ninja)))

My EXABF died last month. We had actually been apart for a while, but still...it hurt.

I'm a recovering addict...we used together and I decided I wanted no more of that lifestyle and had to leave him. I knew his dying was a possibility but he had choices, just as I did.

I'm sorry for the things that have happened in your past and how they are making this decision even harder. However, his life, or death, is not in your hands....he can change things at any time.

I hope that you find support, for you, and learn to value yourself so that you don't choose this type of partner again. I've had 3 XABF's and am taking time a break from relationships so I don't jump into another relationship with another addict, as is my history.

Please take care of you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ninja

Thanks. I'm going to do my best to keep my focus on my own survival. I really can't do this again. I'm completely independant and have no reason on earth to live with addiction. I've been blessed with good fortune in all other areas of my life and don't need this to drag me down. Too bad...they were all good men.

Ann

Ninja, I understand your anxiety, but the thing is, YOU were not their only option.

They could have gone to a shelter and received three hot meals a day and a warm bed and have a counselor available for if they decide to get clean. They could have gone to detox which would have helped them get into a program that might have helped them. They could have walked into an AA or NA meeting and reached out to a room filled with people who would help them.

They chose active addiction, and when they chose that, they chose the inevitable outcome...jails, institutions or death (as written in the NA Basic Text).

You could not have saved them. But they, on the other hand, could have dragged you down with them. Thank goodness you let go.

Big hugs and prayers that the outcome this time is different, that they choose more wisely and reach out to those who truly can help them.

sofacat

After 5 years of living together, I will be kicking him out in the morning.

Good for you.

aah1977

I just want to wish you lots of peace.

hello-kitty

wow. Rough choices. I too have been surrounded by more than my fair share of death because of other peoples addictions. It hurts to watch people make bad choices so I'm very sorry for you. There's nothing you can do to stop them, but still, it hurts to watch. It's that feeling of powerlessness. It's also "survivors guilt".

I still haven't figured out why I make bad choices to surround myself with people who are addicts. I mean, I've figured out that I do it, I understand a little why I do it, but I haven't solved my problem yet. I think it relates to boundaries - and lack of them. And a need to save others, and so on and so forth.

This board may help you work through your issues so that you can make healthier choices in who you choose to surround yourself with in the future. Alanon and a book, "co-dependent no more" may also help.

I hope you stick around and post on your progress.

ninja

Thanks you guys. Well, he's gone but he didn't take any stuff so I'm pretty sure I'll have him at the door in the next day or two. He also doesn't have any money. Because of his addictions he's been unemployable for about 10 years. He was attending job counselling but I imagine that its useless as he went to his last job interview the other day looking higher than a kite. His final words to me as he left were," I really can't believe you're doing this just because I wanted to feel good for a while" Ohmygawd. Five years of trying to get sober (or so I thought) and he doesn't have a clue! Mind you he was pretty high this morning. I'm not sure what he was on but I know he's added alazopram to his methadone and he also takes ciraquel. Guess it really doesn't matter - its way out of control and when he needs more it'll be ugly. I saw last night that he had got hold of my mastercard number and was attempting to add it to his online bank access. Years ago when he slipped he was smoking meth and took my bank card at night ( he watched for my pin # over my shoulder at the grocery store) and got thousands before I figured out what was going on. Karma was on my side though, because his grandfather gave him a seven thousand dollar early inheritance right at that time, so he managed to stay with me by turning it over at once and swearing sobriety. That's when he started the methadone program.

ninja

Survivors guilt...yup, that's wear I'm weak. We grew up together. I had very good luck and sobriety, he had horrible luck and addiction. When we were twelve, we were like the same person. Both of us had addicted parents and both of us started drinking at twelve. Our lives went in opposite directions. I still love him, that won't change, I've loved him since childhood but I know I can let go. I let my father and my husband go and I loved them as well. I have to love myself enough to lead a life of serenity without addiction drama and also because I have grown children and grandchildren that need the calm, happy atmosphere at my home.

CatsPajamas

Hugs to you as you take steps to get yourself back to that place. That's one of the best and strongest quotes I've read in awhile.

greeteachday

(((((Ninja)))))

sojourner

Gosh oh gosh oh gosh.

When i was 20 yrs old and out of parent's home, i was able to start tentative steps in having a pleasant relationship with my father (he was severely alcoholic when i was born). Three weeks later, he committed suicide.

I married an addict. Had to separate from him for my survival and for the good of our children. Fast forward 25 years, and he is still using. I truly believe he has killed off too many brain cells to ever be "normal" again even in sobriety. So i would consider him to be permanently mentally ill strictly due to the chronic ingestion of drugs (including alcohol) for too many years.

Now here's my young adult son who is now addicted to drugs/alcohol. So i fully understand your angst. One of the deep griefs I had when I first realized this son was addicted was that his chance at finding recovery is not increased at all because two of the significant relationships in my life had tragic endings. And my bargaining with my HP at the beginning of all this was for my HP to take my life in order to spare the life of my son because I just could not see how i could survive with a third significant relationship dying or become permanently mentally ill because of drugs/alcohol.

Well, i gotta admit that just typing it brings me close to tears. But after 4 years of this situation, I do accept that this may be the path my son ends up on and that I will accept it, grieve it, move on, and concentrate on my own future as well as my other children and their lives. And I will not walk away from my HP in anger because i realize that my HP does not will that anyone should perish because of addiction. But i also know that is all easier said than done.

You're not alone in your experience with this and neither am I.

Wolfchild

How are you doing today?

sofacat

Thinking of you today.

Sending you a ((((((( BIG HUG )))))))) from the Sunshine State.

ninja

Thanks you guys.
I feel like I'm walking around in marshmallows. Shock, I guess. I'm pretty aprehensive about him trying to contact me today but in all likelyhood he'll be on a bender for a few days. I'm very worried about him, but I'm trying not to obsess. What happens, happens and is not in my control. I'm going to immerse myself in work today and try not to think about it too much. All my addicts have been very sweet men and its hard for me not to want to protect them. I'm trying to stay strong.

Chino

I watched a movie last night called The Hurt Locker. It's a war movie and it started with a quote "The rush of battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug." How ironic that my adrenaline was rolling during the movie and long afterward.

There was a scene in the movie that grabbed my attention more than others. An EOD specialist was sent to diffuse a bomb, worn by a man forced to be a suicide bomber. This man was pleading for his life and the bomb was on a timer. The EOD specialist tried but ran out of time, apologizing profusely before he ran to save his own life.

That EOD specialist had diffused almost 900 bombs by the end of the movie, was still going strong. He didn't have a death wish but it was obvious he became addicted to the challenge.

ninja

"I'm feeling better, now that your stuffs out in the yard. I should send God a thank you card. So I'm pushing out walls and tearing down paper, cuttin' my bangs sooner than later. Selling my soul right back to Jesus, taking up hope and giving up weakness. I'm free." Jann Arden quote from Free

gotta love that lady