I'm Having A ROUGH Night!
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Join Date: May 2009
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I'm Having A ROUGH Night!
Last year this exact time my husband was on the tail end of his 30 days in rehab for Oxy addiction. The first couple of months after he got home were pretty rocky. He seemed so self ritious and had a big chip on his shoulder like he didn't have to be accountable for his actions because all the bad stuff had been when he was on drugs. Gradually though things started to get a lot better and he seemed to "rejoin" our family. He was active in NA, an addictions group with his counselor, and his individual counseling.
Then he relapsed in November. The week of New Years he went through a detox program and had a Naltraxone implant put in. Since the day he came home from that (last Monday) life has been tense. He isn't helping around the house, argumentative as hell, throwing himself into work (which is a big problem of his-he is a workaholic), and moody. I kind of expect him to be moody and tired, but it has gotten rediculous. Even when he was in very heavy drug use he was here at home like any other husband would be. You know home for dinner, help with dinner and clean up, and actively participating in night time routine for the baby. Well, this past week he has been gone more than he has been here. He is in a very busy time at work, but part of his "recovery plan" was that his meetings and recovery came first, family second, work third.
Thursday was our 15 year dating anniversary we don't really celebrate it anymore, but I sent him a text just remembering the signifigance of the day.Well, that night over the phone while he was still at work he told me that his eyes had been opened now that he was clean and the only reason he was staying in our marriage was because he couldn't leave me to pay our mortgage alone and he couldn't afford to pay rent somewhere and still pay part of the mortgage. I was so angry! I told him we could fix that-put the house on the market and both move out. Here I was ready to leave a few weeks ago and he said he couldn't stand tearing our family apart and that he loved me so he was going to get back on the road to recovery for him and our family. Now he is clean and he is saying he doesn't want to be part of our family anymore.
I've had so much I wanted to say to him over this, but haven't had the chance because he is avoiding the house and my calls. He had an offshore fishing trip planned today with his boss and some coworkers. He had to leave last night and said he would be back tonight in time to see the our son before he went to bed. Well, at 7:45 he sent me a text to say the trip went good. I texted him back to see when he would be home and he wrote back he was staying at the beach another night. I then wrote him back to remind him I have plans tomorrow because he had said since he got a day of fishing I could take Sunday all for me. That was almost 3 hours ago and he isn't responding to my calls or texts. I have a feeling they are going to go fishing again in the morning and I'll end up having to cancel my plans since I don't have a sitter lined up.
I'm just so angry right now! I can not believe that now he is saying he wants to split up. Honestly, it doesn't break my heart to end up divorced from him. It does break my heart that all day today my 22 month old was asking where daddy was and he didn't even have the decency to come home to tuck him in like he told him he would last night. I get that our relationship might be broken beyond repair, but I'm sick that he is letting that baby down because of some chip he has on his shoulder over me. I cried for the first time since the relapse tonight! I feel so stupid for even wanting to work on my marriage!
Then he relapsed in November. The week of New Years he went through a detox program and had a Naltraxone implant put in. Since the day he came home from that (last Monday) life has been tense. He isn't helping around the house, argumentative as hell, throwing himself into work (which is a big problem of his-he is a workaholic), and moody. I kind of expect him to be moody and tired, but it has gotten rediculous. Even when he was in very heavy drug use he was here at home like any other husband would be. You know home for dinner, help with dinner and clean up, and actively participating in night time routine for the baby. Well, this past week he has been gone more than he has been here. He is in a very busy time at work, but part of his "recovery plan" was that his meetings and recovery came first, family second, work third.
Thursday was our 15 year dating anniversary we don't really celebrate it anymore, but I sent him a text just remembering the signifigance of the day.Well, that night over the phone while he was still at work he told me that his eyes had been opened now that he was clean and the only reason he was staying in our marriage was because he couldn't leave me to pay our mortgage alone and he couldn't afford to pay rent somewhere and still pay part of the mortgage. I was so angry! I told him we could fix that-put the house on the market and both move out. Here I was ready to leave a few weeks ago and he said he couldn't stand tearing our family apart and that he loved me so he was going to get back on the road to recovery for him and our family. Now he is clean and he is saying he doesn't want to be part of our family anymore.
I've had so much I wanted to say to him over this, but haven't had the chance because he is avoiding the house and my calls. He had an offshore fishing trip planned today with his boss and some coworkers. He had to leave last night and said he would be back tonight in time to see the our son before he went to bed. Well, at 7:45 he sent me a text to say the trip went good. I texted him back to see when he would be home and he wrote back he was staying at the beach another night. I then wrote him back to remind him I have plans tomorrow because he had said since he got a day of fishing I could take Sunday all for me. That was almost 3 hours ago and he isn't responding to my calls or texts. I have a feeling they are going to go fishing again in the morning and I'll end up having to cancel my plans since I don't have a sitter lined up.
I'm just so angry right now! I can not believe that now he is saying he wants to split up. Honestly, it doesn't break my heart to end up divorced from him. It does break my heart that all day today my 22 month old was asking where daddy was and he didn't even have the decency to come home to tuck him in like he told him he would last night. I get that our relationship might be broken beyond repair, but I'm sick that he is letting that baby down because of some chip he has on his shoulder over me. I cried for the first time since the relapse tonight! I feel so stupid for even wanting to work on my marriage!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Hi aah1977 - Wish I had something to say that could help you feel better but I just wanted to say hi and that I'm having a bit of a rough night too (different reasons although related to me & rAH). I will say that early recovery seems to be a difficult time for all involved. But, most importantly, I believe if you keep your own needs & what's important to you a priority, you can/will move forward towards the wonderful life that is yours if you choose it.
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Thank you for your kind words and I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough night. I do remember how hard those early days of recovery last year were so when the moodiness started I told myself I was just going to do what I needed for me. The last week has taken on a whole new meaning though and I wasn't prepared for him to get clean and then sort of do a disappearing act-I would have expected that while he was using.
I hope you can find some peace tonight! I feel a bit better after writing that and reading some other posts. Thank you again.
I hope you can find some peace tonight! I feel a bit better after writing that and reading some other posts. Thank you again.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Hi and good evening. I'm really sorry that you have having such a rough night. We all have had plenty of those. SR has gotten me through a bunch of difficult nights.
I was told the first time my husband went to detox (not his first time, but certainly my first experience) that sobriety was often more difficult and selfish than dealing with someone in active addiction. I didn't believe it until I kept seeing the back of my husband's head as we went from one meeting to the next night after night leaving me at home to deal with dinner, cleanup, homework, baths and putting the baby to bed over and over again.
I was warned that once he began working on himself, I may not like him and he may not like me either. I don't know that that happened but certainly we had both changed. Fast forward, many more relapses and many more tours at various treatment centers for varying lengths of time, I still feel like a single parent and our daughter is surviving better than all of us.
I'm telling you this because I was always worried about what effect the revolving door would have on her, it wasn't fair, she didn't/couldn't understand, but kids are pretty resiliant. Not always but mostly. They don't remember as much as we do or for as long. It broke my heart worse than it did hers. She still cries for him. I put a picture in her room and she clutches it and cries for daddy (especially when she's in trouble or I'm enforcing bedtime or some other "rule"). I'll tell her to kiss daddy goodnight when he's not around and that seems to help pacify her and pretty much alleviates the tears.
Just a thought. You have to come up with something because if you are going to seperate or divorce, you're going to have to have some sort of plan to deal with the questions, tears and heartache. Before putting the photo in my daughter's room, I used to get really angry when my daughter cried for daddy because he didn't deserve that kind of unconditional devotion when I was solely responsible (or so it seemed) for her every want, need or whim, pretty much since she was born and all he did was relapse, loose his job, frequent treatment centers, use and screw up. Even if he was physically available, he wasn't emotionally available.
This is a difficult time and I'm sure you resent "standing by your man" only to feel discarded once things start going halfway well for him. I understand that it happens but I don't think that makes it any easier.
I wish you peace with any decision you make and the right age appropriate words and actions when dealing with your toddler. Addiction is unfair and it takes many prisoners.
You sound like a smart and strong lady.
I was told the first time my husband went to detox (not his first time, but certainly my first experience) that sobriety was often more difficult and selfish than dealing with someone in active addiction. I didn't believe it until I kept seeing the back of my husband's head as we went from one meeting to the next night after night leaving me at home to deal with dinner, cleanup, homework, baths and putting the baby to bed over and over again.
I was warned that once he began working on himself, I may not like him and he may not like me either. I don't know that that happened but certainly we had both changed. Fast forward, many more relapses and many more tours at various treatment centers for varying lengths of time, I still feel like a single parent and our daughter is surviving better than all of us.
I'm telling you this because I was always worried about what effect the revolving door would have on her, it wasn't fair, she didn't/couldn't understand, but kids are pretty resiliant. Not always but mostly. They don't remember as much as we do or for as long. It broke my heart worse than it did hers. She still cries for him. I put a picture in her room and she clutches it and cries for daddy (especially when she's in trouble or I'm enforcing bedtime or some other "rule"). I'll tell her to kiss daddy goodnight when he's not around and that seems to help pacify her and pretty much alleviates the tears.
Just a thought. You have to come up with something because if you are going to seperate or divorce, you're going to have to have some sort of plan to deal with the questions, tears and heartache. Before putting the photo in my daughter's room, I used to get really angry when my daughter cried for daddy because he didn't deserve that kind of unconditional devotion when I was solely responsible (or so it seemed) for her every want, need or whim, pretty much since she was born and all he did was relapse, loose his job, frequent treatment centers, use and screw up. Even if he was physically available, he wasn't emotionally available.
This is a difficult time and I'm sure you resent "standing by your man" only to feel discarded once things start going halfway well for him. I understand that it happens but I don't think that makes it any easier.
I wish you peace with any decision you make and the right age appropriate words and actions when dealing with your toddler. Addiction is unfair and it takes many prisoners.
You sound like a smart and strong lady.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
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aah1977, I'm sorry your having a painful night, I know these nights all too well with an AH..... Not fun. Be prepared for anything, detaching as best you can. He may be avoiding you, making excuses, because he may be relapsing and he doesn't want you to know. It hasn't been long since he came out of detox, and honestly he is showing signs of relapse.
My AH's drifting from me was the first sign of relapse. Many times I blamed myself.... did I do something to cause it? If you are thinking that .....you didn't cause it, it's not your fault
Take care of you and the baby. I know it's hard when your heart is breaking, and you have no clue what's going on. One-day-at-a-time, and one-decision-at-a-time.
Huggs and prayers going up for you,
NH7
My AH's drifting from me was the first sign of relapse. Many times I blamed myself.... did I do something to cause it? If you are thinking that .....you didn't cause it, it's not your fault
Take care of you and the baby. I know it's hard when your heart is breaking, and you have no clue what's going on. One-day-at-a-time, and one-decision-at-a-time.
Huggs and prayers going up for you,
NH7
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Location: Wilmington, NC
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Good point Cynical. What about side affects from that implant? I've never heard of that implant before. After re-reading the post, the behavior is indicative of relapse and if they can't relapse on their DOC, there is another one with their name on it.
My AH always loved opiates and alcohol. When he went on Methadone, he switched his DOC to crack. I never saw that coming because it seemed like he always preferred the "downers" to the "uppers". High is high.
My AH always loved opiates and alcohol. When he went on Methadone, he switched his DOC to crack. I never saw that coming because it seemed like he always preferred the "downers" to the "uppers". High is high.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
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Hey,
I wanted to share with you that I too am going through a similar situation. My AH has been addicted to opiates for 10 years now...actually 11 this year. He has been "dry" on and off this entire time, and ended up checking himself into rehab last September. There have been 2 times in our relationship where he has really been accountable for his own actions: One- when he went to detox this time last year and Two: when he came home from rehab last October.
When He was really clean and working the program, he was loving, and motivated and optimistic and excited to have his life back. It was an absolute pleasure to see him so happy, and our home became a much more relaxed environment.
Two weeks ago he relapsed. I had boundaries put in place in the case that this may happen. I enforced them in a loving way, but told him we had to separate for awhile.
He did not like this, and has been talking to me with anger and resentment in his voice. The accountability is gone, and he's been playing the ole "twistaroo" game with me ever since. Meaning, he is trying to turn this into a "I'm not in love with you like that anymore." game and keeps talking like it was his decision to leave. Absurd. Looking back, he's used this tactic against me before. He knows my weaknesses and goes right below the belt when he's in defense mode. Take the attention off of me, and flip it back on her. kind of thing. It's their way of buying some time, and keeping the focus off of their using.
I did go into crisis mode, and my ego took a hit! BIG TIME! I actually was believing all the "quack quack quack" and got myself into a depressed place. But I didn't stay there for long...thanks to SR and all who have helped me open my eyes.
I agree with Needing Help and Cynical...he sounds slippery to me and prepare for anything at this point. People in recovery who are working the program have a more stable way of presenting their issues with others...not with hostility and anger. You would just "know" when he's coming from an honest place.
I have been using this time away from my A to heal myself, and untangle from him. I am now starting to look at the relationship objectively and realizing the things I need in a relationship without the drugs involved.
Separating from them is hard in the beginning. We have to go through a "detox" of our own. We have been enmeshed in their drama for so long, that we forget how to look inward, and satisfy our own needs. Have you been getting what you need from this man in your life? Or have you just been in "waiting" mode for so long, you lost site of how to be happy in a relationship?
We think that rehab is a "magic bullet" and all of our problems will just disappear when they get clean. Getting clean is the easy part for them...staying clean takes much work and there is so much that they will go through on their journey to a sober life. He knows this, and is probably angry at everyone else for standing in his way. If he hasn't relapsed already, he has the red flags waving all around him.
He has to want this for himself.
You see, opiate abusers have messed with their brain chemicals to the point where the endorphins cannot release properly. So He isn't capable of feeling highs on his own without chemicals to stimulate them. It is possible that he tried to get high, and the Naltrexone prevented him from feeling anything, who knows?
I stopped making excuses for my AH and his behavior. I will no longer say to myself "If he were clean, he wouldn't talk to me this way." The fact is...they are not treating us well, and we deserve to be around people who do appreciate us.
I cannot control his addiction, his behavior, his decisions or his life. He could have chosen to help himself and walk hand in hand with me, but he let go...and that's that. At some point, you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?
Stay here...we are all with you and understand what you are going through. Try to take things one day at a time. It will get better for you when you're ready to have better.
I wanted to share with you that I too am going through a similar situation. My AH has been addicted to opiates for 10 years now...actually 11 this year. He has been "dry" on and off this entire time, and ended up checking himself into rehab last September. There have been 2 times in our relationship where he has really been accountable for his own actions: One- when he went to detox this time last year and Two: when he came home from rehab last October.
When He was really clean and working the program, he was loving, and motivated and optimistic and excited to have his life back. It was an absolute pleasure to see him so happy, and our home became a much more relaxed environment.
Two weeks ago he relapsed. I had boundaries put in place in the case that this may happen. I enforced them in a loving way, but told him we had to separate for awhile.
He did not like this, and has been talking to me with anger and resentment in his voice. The accountability is gone, and he's been playing the ole "twistaroo" game with me ever since. Meaning, he is trying to turn this into a "I'm not in love with you like that anymore." game and keeps talking like it was his decision to leave. Absurd. Looking back, he's used this tactic against me before. He knows my weaknesses and goes right below the belt when he's in defense mode. Take the attention off of me, and flip it back on her. kind of thing. It's their way of buying some time, and keeping the focus off of their using.
I did go into crisis mode, and my ego took a hit! BIG TIME! I actually was believing all the "quack quack quack" and got myself into a depressed place. But I didn't stay there for long...thanks to SR and all who have helped me open my eyes.
I agree with Needing Help and Cynical...he sounds slippery to me and prepare for anything at this point. People in recovery who are working the program have a more stable way of presenting their issues with others...not with hostility and anger. You would just "know" when he's coming from an honest place.
I have been using this time away from my A to heal myself, and untangle from him. I am now starting to look at the relationship objectively and realizing the things I need in a relationship without the drugs involved.
Separating from them is hard in the beginning. We have to go through a "detox" of our own. We have been enmeshed in their drama for so long, that we forget how to look inward, and satisfy our own needs. Have you been getting what you need from this man in your life? Or have you just been in "waiting" mode for so long, you lost site of how to be happy in a relationship?
We think that rehab is a "magic bullet" and all of our problems will just disappear when they get clean. Getting clean is the easy part for them...staying clean takes much work and there is so much that they will go through on their journey to a sober life. He knows this, and is probably angry at everyone else for standing in his way. If he hasn't relapsed already, he has the red flags waving all around him.
He has to want this for himself.
You see, opiate abusers have messed with their brain chemicals to the point where the endorphins cannot release properly. So He isn't capable of feeling highs on his own without chemicals to stimulate them. It is possible that he tried to get high, and the Naltrexone prevented him from feeling anything, who knows?
I stopped making excuses for my AH and his behavior. I will no longer say to myself "If he were clean, he wouldn't talk to me this way." The fact is...they are not treating us well, and we deserve to be around people who do appreciate us.
I cannot control his addiction, his behavior, his decisions or his life. He could have chosen to help himself and walk hand in hand with me, but he let go...and that's that. At some point, you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?
Stay here...we are all with you and understand what you are going through. Try to take things one day at a time. It will get better for you when you're ready to have better.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
It is very possible that he found another DOC, I've been thinking about that from the day he came back to the house. Actually even before he got the implant I figured he could just switch his drug of choice. I will have no way of knowing really, but I know the people he has been with lately are NOT drug users and the person he is went to stay with is a older man who H really respects and who wants to see him do well. I wouldn't say he is working the program totally at this point. He has gone to several meetings, but doesn't have a sponsor. I've been doing some research on the implant and this isn't his first time on the implant. When he was on it the first time we went through very similar issues. The serious side-effects listed include depressed level of consciousness, mental impairment, depression, restlessness, disorientation, abnormal thinking, mental status changes, confusional state, euphoric mood, hallucination, abnormal dreams, mood swings, and nervousness.
He did come home this morning to be with our son while I went to the movies. His parents came over to see their grandson and as soon as they left he went upstairs and packed up some clothes for the week. Our son started crying when he saw him putting his shoes on. It was like he knew something was different about his leaving because he has never acted like that when he goes to work etc. It was only 4:00 so I asked him why he couldn't just stay and play with him a little longer-I could go to another room. He said he had to go get a haircut and drop off his stuff at the place he is staying before his meeting tonight. He said if I wanted to talk about why he is leaving he would only do it with a mediator present. My son was unconsolable and it was breaking my heart and I started crying.
I just don't know what to think right now. The whole thing is crazy! I can be fine with us splitting up, but I want to do it as maturely as possible for the sake of our child. This **** where he just leaves with no explanation is rediculous. Really the only thing he has said was that he was sorry for everything he has done to me, but that doesn't excuse me to be so mean. I think he is so use to everyone in his life bending over backwards to see that he gets clean and this time I washed my hands of it. I didn't take care of him when he was detoxing and I didn't welcome him home like he had just come home from war when he got back. His brain is still a little off and so he is angry and hurt-still seeing things through the cloudiness of the drug.
I guess this gives me some time to process things. I know none of this is my fault-I'm just sad that in his warped mind it is.
He did come home this morning to be with our son while I went to the movies. His parents came over to see their grandson and as soon as they left he went upstairs and packed up some clothes for the week. Our son started crying when he saw him putting his shoes on. It was like he knew something was different about his leaving because he has never acted like that when he goes to work etc. It was only 4:00 so I asked him why he couldn't just stay and play with him a little longer-I could go to another room. He said he had to go get a haircut and drop off his stuff at the place he is staying before his meeting tonight. He said if I wanted to talk about why he is leaving he would only do it with a mediator present. My son was unconsolable and it was breaking my heart and I started crying.
I just don't know what to think right now. The whole thing is crazy! I can be fine with us splitting up, but I want to do it as maturely as possible for the sake of our child. This **** where he just leaves with no explanation is rediculous. Really the only thing he has said was that he was sorry for everything he has done to me, but that doesn't excuse me to be so mean. I think he is so use to everyone in his life bending over backwards to see that he gets clean and this time I washed my hands of it. I didn't take care of him when he was detoxing and I didn't welcome him home like he had just come home from war when he got back. His brain is still a little off and so he is angry and hurt-still seeing things through the cloudiness of the drug.
I guess this gives me some time to process things. I know none of this is my fault-I'm just sad that in his warped mind it is.
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tjp613, it is possible and I have thought about it. There really hasn't been any clear signs to point to it, but believe me I've been looking for evidence. There has been a lot of lies and deception over the last 3 years due to his addiction yet he has always been faithful, but this behavior right now is very strange and wouldn't put anything past him. Honestly, if he has found someone else I wish her much luck because if he had been like this going into our relationship I would have run. After 15 years I've had a lot invested, but if he was the person he is today then I wouldn't have given him a second thought!
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Really the only thing he has said was that he was sorry for everything he has done to me, but that doesn't excuse me to be so mean. I think he is so use to everyone in his life bending over backwards to see that he gets clean and this time I washed my hands of it. I didn't take care of him when he was detoxing and I didn't welcome him home like he had just come home from war when he got back.
I truly know how your feeling and if your AH doesn't go on to recovery, you can. You can do this. There will be a lot of tears, but you will heal. I know that's hard to believe in such hurt, but there will be a better day for you and your child. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Huggs,
NH7
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Acceptance is key. I had to accept that drugs or no drugs, my sons father was who he was and he was never going to change. I had to stop living in a dream and accept the present was reality.
Then I had to decide if it was enough for me. It wasn't. I wanted more out of life for me and for my son.
My dream relationship with my sons father was just that - a dream. Not real. Fantasy. Not ever going to happen. I could not change him into the man that I thought he should be. He is who he is and I can't change that.
Moving on was the best thing I ever did for me and my baby - now four. He has a much more stable, full and happier life than he ever would have had if I stayed with his father.
I'm not saying you should leave. I'm just giving you something to think about.
Then I had to decide if it was enough for me. It wasn't. I wanted more out of life for me and for my son.
My dream relationship with my sons father was just that - a dream. Not real. Fantasy. Not ever going to happen. I could not change him into the man that I thought he should be. He is who he is and I can't change that.
Moving on was the best thing I ever did for me and my baby - now four. He has a much more stable, full and happier life than he ever would have had if I stayed with his father.
I'm not saying you should leave. I'm just giving you something to think about.
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
I think he has a chip on his shoulder because he has an implant in his arm…meaning he wants to use, has probably tried, resents having the implant because he can't get high, and is taking out his frustrations on you. If he hasn’t already, I would be prepared for him switching to a different DOC, one that the implant won’t block.
I think that cynical and magoo hit the nail on the head.
I'm sorry
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Originally Posted by aah1977
He said if I wanted to talk about why he is leaving he would only do it with a mediator present.
By the way, I was not intending to hurl a critism your way. I know the behaviors first-hand, I know why we do them, and I'm not even saying they are unjustified. I'm saying what might be in his head.
If there is any way you can relax a little, let a little of this go, it would serve you well.
Pullin for ya....
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