Update

Old 01-16-2010, 06:04 AM
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Update

The funeral was very hard. I let my daughter make as many choices for what she wanted for her father. She was very brave, and wanted certain things to be done the way she wanted. Over 100 people attended. His parents church, my work, his work and lots of friends. It was so hard to stand up there.

I know Im going to go thru mixed emotions. Anger and sorrow seem to be the emotions of today. He left me holding the bag. He left her fatherless. I could never understand the things he did and this was the last one.

Now on to the awful part. His Mother cant speak to me, and when she does you can tell its fake.I really never felt close with them. She blames me for having no contact. She blames me for not being supportive. 2 years ago we went thru this with councling and he walked out. My daughter and I were supportive then. I could no longer do it. The therapist told me I made the right choice, but my MIL just cant seem to understand that. Also one of his co-workers whispered in my ear.. You should have done more, talked to him more. I pushed him away. My best friend who was sitting behind me asked me what he said and she was off and running. She put him in his place. What is wrong with people today. Even if he felt that way he could have kept it to himself.

Another thing that seems so unreal is when we went to Social Security for benifits for my daughter, I had to sign a paper that said I was a widow and no longer married to him. That hit home. I wanted a divorce, didnt want to be a widow at 44. I wanted him to get well and build a better life for himself. He kept saying he wanted to come home, instead I brought him home in a box. Im just so angry.

Monday I return to work and have a councling session afterwards. My daughter returns to school and has one right after. Figure that would be a good time to get thru all the questions or emotions. I also told her that if someone asks what happen and if she doesnt want to say.. The sentence is "Its just too painfull to talk about" I dont know what else to tell her. Any thoughts?
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Old 01-16-2010, 06:14 AM
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Wow. I don't know what to say but I am soooo sorry. This must be devastating for you.

How rude of someone to say that! I guess you will have to ignore those ignorant people and just focus on your recovery.

I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers!
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Old 01-16-2010, 06:16 AM
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Deb, I am sorry for your pain. I have no idea how you can protect yourself and your daughter from the stupidity of other people, but I think the counseling is a great start and to know (and tell her) that none of this is your fault! It sounds like people are lashing out at you because they maybe feel guilty. Of course, your husbands death is not their fault either. Be strong and lean on others (and each other) for strength and support. You are in my prayers.
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Old 01-16-2010, 06:57 AM
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dear wisedeb-

everyone here understands. if one hasn't lived with an alcoholic, then it really is quite impossible to understand the particular, insiduous madness it brings.

your husband made his choice. you made yours. it is all of our worst nightmare to think that the drink will kill them, but everyone here knows it is a very real possibility.

your sense of who you are must come from deep within you, not from what other people say or think about you. if you are peaceful with your choice and peaceful with your choice before your HP, then let them talk. it's really between you and god.

may you find the strength, courage and endurance to face yet another trial in this journey of Life.

we understand. believe me, we do. you made your choice for your daughter and for yourself. there is no saving an alcoholic who refuses to seek help. we all know that from trying, crying, breaking, going crazy with them as we watch this horrible disease transform our loved one into monsters we must flee from.

my thoughts are with you.
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Old 01-16-2010, 07:03 AM
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People say the most painful things when they are in pain.

This person may have been a key enabler in his life. I hope you can dismiss this whisper for what it was.

You are being present for your daughter, and I hope you have someone there for you ,and that we can all be here for YOU.

I know, since I am dealing with the potential of this now, and my A's brother has been in concurrence with me that it is out of our hands....That there was nothing you could do. He keeps saying that you cant make him get the help that is here, and we cant go under with him. And that is true.

Please be kind to yourself.
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Old 01-16-2010, 07:20 AM
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I know this has been a very difficult time for you and your daughter and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

As has already been pointed out, unless someone lives in the DAY to DAY life with an active alcoholic they have absolutely no idea what those of us who live with an active A go through. That includes Mom's, Dad's, Siblings, Friends, Co-Workers. I mean they truly HAVE NO IDEA! Others may know the person is an alcoholic. They may pity them. They may worry for them. But until someone has endured what so many of us do in daily life with an A they simply cannot understand. Ignore the ignorance for what it is......ignorance on the part of someone who simply has no clue.

Suicide is a horrible thing to deal with whether alcoholism had anything to do with it or not. You must remind yourself everyday that you are NOT responsible for his death. The problems that lead to someone taking their own life are deep, dark, and belong only to that individual. No one causes another human being to take their own life. EVER. PERIOD. There is help out there for alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and all sorts of mental and physical diseases if the person chooses to seek that help. There is help to prevent suicide. But as with anything, the individual must be willing to get help.

Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest. We are all here for you. Many prayers.
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Old 01-16-2010, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Forever4you View Post
As has already been pointed out, unless someone lives in the DAY to DAY life with an active alcoholic they have absolutely no idea what those of us who live with an active A go through. That includes Mom's, Dad's, Siblings, Friends, Co-Workers. I mean they truly HAVE NO IDEA! Others may know the person is an alcoholic. They may pity them. They may worry for them. But until someone has endured what so many of us do in daily life with an A they simply cannot understand. Ignore the ignorance for what it is......ignorance on the part of someone who simply has no clue.
Deb,

Yes, he left you holding the bag.

I've known 2 people in the last 10 years who have committed suicide. One was a lady in my Alanon group.

The group got together and collected for a memorial bench for her, I couldn't see my way clear to participate.

IMHO, suicide is the ultimate F- you to the family and friends left behind. It is cowardly and the most selfish of acts.

You and your daughter have been added to my morning prayer list. So sorry for your pain.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 01-16-2010, 07:57 AM
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Hi WizeDeb, given the circumstances, it sounds like you are holding up well. Try not to let MIL's comments/feelings sit with you too long as (1) it sounds like she is in denial about the problem alcohol really was for her son, and (2) it is far easier to blame someone else than to admit that you did nothing either. Plus for some reason, *some* parents have an incredibly hard time admitting there is fault in their children - perhaps it makes them ashamed that they didn't do their job "right"? Either way, her cross is not yours to bear.

Everyone else has covered the coworker's comments.

You just keep doing what you're doing, and don't let that toxic guilt in. It's not going to help you or your daughter right now anyway
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Old 01-16-2010, 08:01 AM
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thanks for checking in.

Also one of his co-workers whispered in my ear.. You should have done more, talked to him more.
At these times in my life, it's helped me very much to memorize a quick, to the point response, so I could deliver it when sucker punched.

For years, in my situation it was, "that's really disrespectful," but that won't work so well here.

Your therapist may be able to help you with it. Something like Naives brilliance above-there is no saving an alcoholic who refuses to help themselves

Me, personally, I would send that in email form to his family and friends, draw a powerful boundary that says

FYI I do not accept your blaming me and I will not be speaking with you anymore. I hope you get some help. There is no saving an alcoholic who refuses to help themselves. Then delete any responses. Go no contact, like you have to do with the A.

I know you have a universe of other things to deal with, but setting boundaries with the sick folks is something that might save you future heartbreak.
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Old 01-16-2010, 09:38 AM
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My experience with grief is that it can really bounce one around, from depression to rage to confusion to despair to nostalgia... it is normal for the grieving process to go through all manner of phases and places. And we have to go through it, to get past it.

Sending loving support,

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Old 01-16-2010, 08:14 PM
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I believe in you WizeDeb!

I think you are capable of making healthy decisions for yourself and your daughter.

(((hugs)))
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Old 01-16-2010, 09:05 PM
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****{Deb}}}

Let 'em talk.
Let 'em point fingers.
When they do,
there's three fingers pointing back at themselves.

YOU... focus on your daughter, and your self.

You didn't make him sick.
You didn't make him drink.
You didn't make his choice.

Keep yourself in the solution.
Show your daughter... where that is.

Those other people ... obviously don't know where that is.
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Old 01-16-2010, 09:42 PM
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Hi Deb:

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and you and your daughter are in my prayers.

What he chose to do is not your fault. Please know that and do not blame yourself. easier said than done, I know, but I hope you can hold on to that.

Hugs!
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Old 01-16-2010, 11:37 PM
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wow. Some people can be so cruel and blinkered...and at a funeral too! I'm outraged that his co worker said something like that to you at the funeral. Who does he think he is?!!! You just don't cause trouble at a funeral, least of all to those who were closest to the deceased! That was incredibly mean and cruel. Does he kick puppies in his spare time too??

I hope you and your daughter are taking care of yourselves and I'm glad you're getting help. Thinking of you both...
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Old 01-17-2010, 12:37 AM
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I use "That's confidential" regarding many areas of my personal life......I don't owe anyone to tell them anything I don't want to or am not comfortable with.
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Old 01-17-2010, 12:42 AM
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Deb,

His mother may very well be everything that was behind his drinking from day one. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction and perhaps the apple did not fall far from the tree. They usually don't.

Don't accept the blame they put on you. You cannot control another person's behavior, and you did everything right.

I like what was said above pointing out that his mother did not fix it for him, either. And the co-worker, what did he do? Why was it YOUR problem to fix, and yours alone? Answer: it wasn't. It was only his to fix, and he did not rise to that. You are not responsible for any of this.

(((((Deb)))))
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Old 01-17-2010, 02:27 AM
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Honestly, I just want to hug you.
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Old 01-17-2010, 02:59 AM
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Me too!
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Old 01-17-2010, 06:00 AM
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Shame and blame, all par for the course. Shake it off, turn around and leave it behind you. NOTHING is your fault; there is NOTHING you could have done, not matter what ANYONE says. Let go and Let God.
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Old 01-17-2010, 08:18 AM
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This helped me at a difficult time:
~ When Someone is Too Bruised to be Touched ~

A few days ago, I was asked to visit a family who had, just that day, lost their 19 year-old son to suicide.

There isn't much one can offer by way of consolation, even faith consolation, at a moment like this, when everyone is in shock and the pain is so raw. Few things can so devastate us as the suicide of a loved one, especially of one's own child.

There is the horrific shock of losing a loved one so suddenly which, just of itself, can bring us to our knees; but, with suicide, there are other soul-wrenching feelings too, confusion, guilt, second-guessing, religious anxiety.

Where did we fail this person?
What might we still have done?
What should we have noticed?
What is this person's state with God?

What needs to be said about all of this:

First of all, that suicide is a disease and the most misunderstood of all sicknesses. It takes a person out of life against his or her will, the emotional equivalent of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack.

Second, we, those left behind, need not spend undue energy second-guessing as to how we might have failed that person, what we should have noticed, and what we might still have done to prevent the suicide.

Suicide is an illness and, as with any sickness, we can love someone and still not be able to save that person from death.

God loved this person too and, like us, could not, this side of eternity, do anything either.

Finally, we shouldn't worry too much about how God meets this person on the other side. God's love, unlike ours, can go through locked doors and touch what will not allow itself to be touched by us.

Is this making light of suicide? Hardly.

Anyone who has ever dealt with either the victim of a suicide before his or her death or with those grieving that death afterwards knows that it is impossible to make light of it.

There is no hell and there is no pain like the one suicide inflicts. Nobody who is healthy wants to die and nobody who is healthy wants to burden his or her loved ones with this kind of pain.

And that's the point: This is only done when someone isn't healthy.

The fact that medication can often prevent suicide should tell us something. Suicide is an illness not a sin.

Nobody just calmly decides to commit suicide and burden his or her loved ones with that death any more than anyone calmly decides to die of cancer and cause pain.

The victim of suicide (in all but rare cases) is a trapped person, caught up in a fiery, private chaos that has its roots both in his or her emotions and in his or her bio-chemistry.

Suicide is a desperate attempt to end unendurable pain, akin to one throwing oneself through a window because one's clothing is on fire.

Many of us have known victims of suicide and we know too that in almost every case that person was not full of ego, pride, haughtiness, and the desire to hurt someone.

Generally it's the opposite.

The victim has cancerous problems precisely because he or she is wounded, raw, and too bruised to have the necessary resiliency needed to deal with life.

Those of us who have lost loved ones to suicide know that the problem is not one of strength but of weakness, the person is too bruised to be touched.

I remember a comment I overheard at a funeral for a suicide victim.

The priest had preached badly, hinting that this suicide was somehow the man's own fault and that suicide was always the ultimate act of despair.

At the reception afterwards, a neighbor of the victim expressed his displeasure at the priest's homily: "There are a lot of people in this world who should kill themselves," he lamented bitterly, "but those kind never do!

This man is the last person who should have killed himself because he was one of the most sensitive people I've ever met!"

A book could be written on that statement. Too often it is precisely the meek who seem to lose the battle, at least in this world.

Finally, I submit that we shouldn't worry too much about how God meets our loved ones who have fallen victim to suicide. God, as Jesus assures us, has a special affection for those of us who are too-bruised and wounded to be touched.

Jesus assures us too that God's love can go through locked doors and into broken places and free up what's paralyzed and help that which can no longer help itself.

God is not blocked when we are. God can reach through.

And so our loved ones who have fallen victim to suicide are now inside of God's embrace, enjoying a freedom they could never quite enjoy here and being healed through a touch that they could never quite accept from us.

~ Fr. Ron Rolheiser - July 7, 2002
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