WIworrier

It's been awhile since I posted on here....AS has been using for 2+ years. Of course we have "tried everyhing" Since Jan. '09 he has lost his girlfriend,job, liscense,car, cell phone..... Has countless tickets...fines etc...At this point he has "nothing" He does still live in our home (my husband and I disagree on this arrangement) As he has nothing... spouse feels we cannot kick him out in the winter with no where to go. I say he gets up everyday (while we both are at work!) and "goes who knows where" with "who knows who" and survives just fine... He always finds a ride....He doesnt have a cent to his name...yet is always high.... At this point I am so defeated....I barely speak to him...dont acknowledge him at all....Pretty much have given up any hope....Of course everyday "he's quitting!" How do I get my spouse and I on the same page....??? He has been kicked out 2x in the past...only to come back...with no changes...As you all know our lives are consumed by the madness...Do we let him go to sink further down??? More than him being outta control... We are outta control!!!

liesagain

I think a good start towards getting on the same page would be to find and attend family groups in your area
alanon
or Families anon

other parents will be along soon.......to help offer more support

sorry your going thru this

tjp613

yep!

I'm surprised he hasn't robbed you blind yet! ...or has he?

Freedom1990

He has no inclination to do anything different because the current situation is working for him. He doesn't have to be accountable, period.

I will never forget the story a fellow AAer told me of a 17 year old kid he was in a sober living facility with. That 17 year old never wanted for anything. All he had to do was ask, and his parents gave.

They paid his living expenses at the sober living facility. They made sure he always had money for cigarettes, food, and laundry.

He walked out one day, over to his father's house, and got a blank check from him.

That 17 year old was found dead the next morning, alone, in a cheap motel room. He had cashed the check to buy drugs and booze.

It is possible to love someone to death.

Chino

In my home, I learned I have to walk the walk before anyone will even think about following. I've invited my husband to join my therapy sessions and 12 step meetings; he always declines. I still share the things I've learned and make sure I put them into practice.

The consequence of violating any of my boundaries is out the door you go, and don't come back until you're ready to toe the line. My husband can't stand this but he learned the hard way if she doesn't go, I will. It's going to be expensive, involve airfare, and he's stuck dealing with her alone. He can lose his sanity but I won't.

teke

the best thing my family could have done to help me was to let me fall, suffering the consequence of my own actions. then and only then could i see for myself how destuctive and out of control my life had become. i became desperate in seeking the help i needed and today, a few sober yrs later, i'm eternally grateful to my family for letting me fine my own way and for not allowing my addiction to take them down with me.

sounds to me like your son has all his basic needs met so all he has to do is focusing on feeding his addiction. why would he really want to stop. ok, he says he is quitting but how has that worked so far? is he saying what he thinks will get you off his back about using or is he buying time? just something to think about.

i agree, try family counseling, naranon or alanon. action speaks louder than words, your son won't stop until he's ready, regardless of what you say or do.

Impurrfect

I agree with the above, and particularly like ((Chino's)) idea. If your husband insists on keeping AS at home, then can you plan on going elsewhere for a while and let HIM deal with him? More than likely, he will get pretty darned tired of it pretty darned fast.

Like ((Teke)), I'm an RA and and a recovering codie. If anyone had allowed me to stay in their home and keep using, I'd still be using or may be dead. Instead, my family loved me enough to say "you use, you're out", and I'm coming up on 3 years clean.

We A's are very resourceful. He's finding rides. He's finding dope..with no job and supposedly no money? I walked the streets for quite a while, sleeping in vacant apts. I'd snuck into, or in the dope-boys houses. I could have easily afforded a motely room, but chose to spend the $$ on dope, instead.

I hope you and your husband kind find a way to get on the same page and let him go. It sounds like he's just going to get worse.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

WIworrier

I am thinking of going to the meetings....spouse would NOT go along. Spouse believes he can still "make him quit" I know he doesnt want to be an addict(he cries and begs for help) but he has no ins...so no 30 day programs for him...We could take $$$ out of savings to send him away....but I feel it would be like throwing it out the window...He has a bed shower food......How much better can it get???? Just need to get my spouse (his only child) on the same page....
Maybe if I start going to meetings...I can get him to come along and listen....

I'm tired

I am the parent of a AD & I can tell you that no insc. means nothing. There are county & state aid programs available.Do not finane the rehab with your savings. Try the Salvation Army or the local drug & alcohol program in your county. This can be found on the Narcanon site ( not Nar but Narc) or Google it. It does exist. I am on a 'lather rinse repeat with my AD-3 trips to detox & outpatient in 6 months so I can understand your position of upset angury disgust etc...I would look up the info -print it out & give him until a set date to be enrolled. If not-there's the door. Oh by the way--as for no money on his part-be sure to daily check your credit cards & checkbooks as well as any jewelry or electronics. Many of my valuables have been stolen & pawned for drugs. Nothing is sacred when they are on a drug craving. Does he have video games? He may of hawked them for drugs. Best wishes.

Hunny1116

I am also the parent of an AD. Please, please do not take money out of your savings to finance his "recovery." You are right in knowing it would be throwing it out the window. My son went into a 90-day $30K program and came out and used within 2 weeks. "I'm tired" is right....there are free programs and other resources available if/when he chooses.

You will get the best advice you have ever heard on this message board. It has given me hope and strength I never would have had on my own.

♥
Hunny

lostparent

Sorry your going through this..just know your not alone lots of us have been or are going through the same things. My AD has lost her job an apartment around Christmas an is currently staying at what I call a roach motel $85 a wk..anyway I understand how your husband feels I've felt the same way. Even though I know what is the right thing to do I can't stand thinking of her sleeping in the car in this cold weather. So we make sure she has the money for the motel if she chooses to lie to us an use it for other things that's her choice. As much as we love her we can't let her stay here. An we will stop paying at the end of Feb..In her favor she is taking night classes so we are holding out some hope..
So while we haven't completely cut her off we have cut way back. She knows things have changed from a few years ago when we kept bailing her out , letting her get by with stealing from us, it's just NOT going to happen any more..It is so hard to turn your back on your own child it's just not our nature..But like the others have said it is the best thing for them.

liesagain

hello I wanted to mention that there are many treatment programs that dont cost anything they are state and federally funded..............but its doubtul your son will reach out and take advantage of any of these things until he has no help from home......'

its tough when your husband isnt willing to stop enabling him........maybe you could share some of the things you read here with your husband

also there is a very good chance that we the family when we continue to help ..........that we are actually making it worse for the addict and we can actually love them to death.

(((HUGS)))) hang in there and if nothing else find a meeting for yourself you deserve support

WIworrier

I have tried all the local drug rehabs...NONE (except salvation army) are free.... The NARCANON website gives links on how to finance your stay! We are in the Milwaukee / Waukesha area....Just looking for something that is available....all the local sources have lead me down dead ends..... He does want the help...He has called as well....The first question they ask is "what type of ins do you have?" Maybe I am looking in the wrong spots? IDEAS???

Freedom1990

Yes, the Salvation Army is free, and a very good program at that.

liesagain

AA and NA meetings are free too.
Has he been to any of those?

Just because they ask about insurance doesnt mean there arent state funded beds.....

Also check with the mental health facilities they may have additional information too.

I sent you a PM,
good luck

dorton

My husband and I paid 35,000 to send our then 20 yo AS to rehab in Fla. We did this because we couldn't find any rehabs who didn't ask for insurance. While in rehab he was put on a 2 week suspension and we had them take him to a homeless shelter. Then we found out this shelter offered a free rehab. He refused to sign up for and went back to the rehab we paid for which was nothing but a 3 month vacation on the beach. He was relesed 1week later and had learned a lot of new tricks. He was back to using in less than a week of coming home.I will never pay for rehab again and he knows it. I would call the homeless shelters as well maybe they offer rehab.

liesagain

Same story here.....our ins paid a fortune for one rehab on the beach and he relapsed right after, he also has been to free and reduced treatment centers........and still relapsed
hes now in an extended program.............relapse is still possible but I have at least gained insight on me this time around(family/marriage program) and see more changes in him than I have ever seen so I am hopeful but no expectatons only boundaries.......

treatment isnt the Magic cure........its helpful --they can gain tools to use in their recovery but .....those same tools can be gained by working a 12 step program for free plus theres out patient therapy and such

honestly it really comes down to them being ready and willing.........and that part doesnt generally happen without them hitting a bottom, and losing the people in their life that make it easy to continue to use.

There are people on this site who got clean and stayed clean without a program or treatment center...........like I mentioned meetings are free.....if he has a willingness to do that its a starting place. If hes NOT willing its time to focus on YOU and what you can do to make your life better FOR you.........thats tough with your husband not on the same page.......but you can do it........maybe look up meeting for yourself and keep coming here.
Try reading the stick posts and when husband is open share some with him........

so sorry your going thru this but your not alone.

liesagain

wanted to share a few stick posts that mean alot to me.........

Are you wondering when the pain stops?

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The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.


What Addicts Do

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What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.


Quote:
What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________



Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters #1

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Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters: the drinker and his family; friends; co-workers and even counselors may have a part in keeping the Merry-Go-Round turning. Alcoholism rarely appears in one person set apart from others; it seldom continues in isolation from others.

One person drinks too much and gets drunk and others react to his drinking and its consequences. The drinker responds to this reaction and drinks again. This sets up a Merry-Go-Round of blame and denial, a downward-spiral which characterizes alcoholism. Therefore, to understand alcoholism, we must look not at the alcoholic alone but view the illness as if we were sitting in the audience watching a play and observing carefully the roles of all the actors in the drama.

As the play opens we see the alcoholic as the star of the first act. He does all the acting; others react to what he does. A male between the ages of 30 and 55, he is usually smart, skillful, and often successful in his work; but his goal may be far above his ability. We see that his is sensitive, lonely and tense. He is also immature in a way that produces a real dependence. However, he may act as in an independent way in order to deny this fact. He also denies he is responsible for the results of his behavior. From this dependency and denial comes the name of the play -- A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial. For his to act in this way, others must make it possible. That is why we must observe carefully what each actor does in the play.

The alcoholic has learned that the use of alcohol makes him feel better. To him it is a blessing, not a curse, his medicaiton, not a poison. For a few hours it floats away his troubles; it melts away his fears, reduces his tension, removes his loneliness and solves all his problems.

The play opens with the alcoholic stating that no one can tell him what to do; he tells them. This makes it very difficult for the family to talk about drinking and its results. Even when the drinking is obviously causing serious problems, he simply will not discuss them. Talking is like a one-way street. No one seems to hear what the others are saying. One both sides, people say one thing yet do another. This is why it is necessary to see the lay to understand alcoholism. To observe the alcoholic alone, to read a scientific description of the illness, or to listen to the family's tales of woe, is only a small part of the drama. The key word in alcoholism is "Denial", for again and again people do what they say they will not or deny what they have done. If we could watch the play on TV and turn off the sound, we would understand much better what was really happening.

Early in the first act the alcoholic needs a drink, so he takes one. He drinks hard and fast, not slow and easy. He may drink openly; but more likely he will conceal the amount he drinks by drinking off-stage and not in the presence of other actors in the play. This is the first part of denial: hiding the amounts he drinks. But it proves to us that he knows he is drinking too much. He drinks more than others, more often than others and, above all, it means far more to him than to others.

Drinking too much, too often, is not a matter of choice. It is the first sign of alcoholism. Repeated denial, by hiding the bottle and drinking alone, reveals how important alcohol has become in helping the alcoholic feel better. After one or two drinks he cannot stop.

After a few more we see a profound change in the alcoholic. He reveals a sense of success, well-being and self-sufficiency. He's on top of the world, and may act as if he were a little god. Now he's right and everybody else is wrong. This is very likely to happen if someone objects to his drinking.

There is no one way all alcoholics act while intoxicated; but they are not rational or sensible; they are not responsible. They are apt to ignore the rules of social conduct, sometimes even to a criminal degree, of which driving under the influence is a clear example. If a sober person acted this way, we would consider him insane.

If drinking continues long enough, the alcoholic creates a crisis, gets into trouble, ends up in a mess. This can happen in many ways, but the pattern is always the same: he is dependent who behaves as if her were independent, and drinking makes it easy to convince itself this is true. Yet the results of his drinking make him even more dependent upon others. When his self-created crisis strikes, he waits for something to happen, ignores it, walks away from it, or cries for someone to get him out of it. Alcohol, which at first gave him a sense of success and independence, has not stripped him of his mask and reveals him a helpless, dependent child.

Act II

In Act II the alcoholic does nothing but wait for and expect others to do for him. Three others in the play act out their roles and the alcoholic benefits from what they do. He does little or nothing; everything is done for him in the second act.

THE ENABLER

The first person to appear is one we might call the Enabler, a "helpful" Mr. Clearn who may be impelled, by his own anxiety and guilt, to rescue his friend, the alcoholic, from his predicament. He wants to save the alcoholic fromt he immediate crisis and relieve him of the unbearable tension created by the situation. In reality, this person may be meeting a need of his own, rather than that of the alcoholic, although he does not realize this himself. The Enabler may be a male outside of the family, perhaps a relative; occasionally a woman plays this role.

It is also played by the so-called "helping professions" - clergyman, doctors, lawyers, social workers. Many have had little, if any, of the scientific instruction on alcohol and alcoholism, which is essential in such specialized conseling. Lacking this knowledge, they handle the situation in the same manner as the non-professional enabler. This denies the alcoholic the process of learning by "correcting his own mistakes", and conditions him to believe there will always be a protector who will come to his rescue, even though the Enablers insist they will never again rescue him. They always have and the alcoholic believes they always will. Such rescue operations can be just as compulsive as drinking.

The VICTIM

The next character to come on stage may be called the Victim. This may be the boss, the employer, the foreman or supervisor, the commanding officer in military life, a business partner, or, at times, a fellow employee. The Victim is the person who is responsible for getting the word done, if the alcoholic is absent due to a hangover. Statistics in industry show that by the time drinking interferes with a man's job, he may have been working for the same company for 10 - 15 years, and his boss has become a very real friend. Protection of the man is a perfectly normal response; there is always the hope that this will be the last time. The alcoholic has become completely dependent on this repeated protection and cover-up by the Victim; otherwise he could not continue drinking in this fashion. He would be compelled to give up drinking or give up the job. It is the Victim who enables the alcoholic to continue his irresponsible drinking without losing his job.


The PROVOKER

The third character in this act is the key person in the play, the spouse or parent of the alcoholic, the person with whom the alcoholic lives. This is usually the wife or mother. She is a veteran at this role and has played it much longer than others in the act. She is the Provoker. She is hurt and upset by repeated drinking episodes, but she holds the family together despite all the trouble caused by drinking. In turn, she feeds back into the marriage her bitterness, resentment, fear and hurt, and so becomes the source of provocation. She controls, she tries to force the changes she wants, never gives in, but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is that his failure should be acceptable, but she must never fail him! He acts with complete independence and insists he will do as he pleases, and he expects her to do exactly what he tells her to do or not to do. She must be at home when he arrives, if he arrives.

This character might also be called the Adjuster; she is constantly adjusting to the crises and trouble caused by drinking. The alcoholic blames her for everything that goes wrong with the home and the marriage. She tries everything possilbe to make her marriage work to prove he is wrong. She is wife and housekeeper and may, in addition, feel compelled to earn part of the bread. Living with a man who illness is alcoholism, she attempts to be nurse, doctor, and counselor. She cannot play play these three roles without hurting herself and her husband without adding more guilt, bitterness, resentment or hostility to the situation which is already almost unbearable. Yet the customs of our society train and condition the wife to play this role. If she does not, she finds herself going against what family and society regard as the wife's role. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home"; this is where everyone goes when there is no other place to go.

Act two is now played out in full. The alcoholic in his helpless condition has been rescued, put back on the job, and restored as a member of the family. This clothes him in the costume of a responsible adult. As everything was done for him and not by him, his dependency is increased, and he remains a child in an adult suit. The results, effects and problems have been removed by others. They have cleaned up the entire mess made by the alcoholic. The painful results of the drinking were suffered by persons other than the drinker. This permits him to continue drinking as a way to solve his problems. In Act One the alcoholic killed all his pain and woe by getting drunk; in Act Two the trouble and painful results of drinking are removed by other people. This convinces the alcoholic that he can go on behaving in this irresponsible way.

ACT III

Act III begins in much the same manner as Act One, but something has been added by the first and second acts. The need to deny his dependence is now greater and must be expressed almost at once, and even more emphatically. The alcoholic denies he has a drinking problem, denies he is an alcoholic, denies that alcohol is causing him trouble. He refuses to acknowledge that anyone helped him - more denial. He denies he may lose his job and insists that he is the best or more skilled person at his job. Above all, he denies he has caused his family any trouble. In fact he blames his family, especially his wife, for all the fuss, nagging and problems. He may even insist that his wife is crazy, that she needs to see a psychiatrist. As the illness and conflice get worse, the husband often accuses his wife of being unfaithful, having affairs with other men, although his has no reason for these accusations.


Some alcholics achieve the same denial by a stony silence, refusing to discuss anything related to their drinking. Others permit the family to discuss what they did wrong and what they failed to do, whether drunk or sober. The wife never forgets what her husband does. The husband may not remember what he did while intoxicated but he never forgets what his wife tells him he did or failed to do.

The real problem is that the alcoholic is well aware of the truth which he so strongly denies. He is aware of the drunkenness. He is aware of his failure. His guilt and remorse have become unbearable; he cannot tolerate criticism or advice from others. Above all, the memory of his utter helplessness and failure at the end of the first act is more than embarassing; it is far too painful for a person who thinks and acts as if he were a little god in his own world.

In time the family adjusts to their way of living together. The alcoholic may deny he will drink again and others in the play may vow never again to help him. The Enabler says he will never again come to his rescue. The Victim will not allow another job failure due to drinking. The Provoker, whether wife or mother, tells the alcoholic they cannon live together under these conditions.

What is said is completely different from what everyone has done and will do again. The Enabler, the Victim and the Provoker have said this before but did not carry it out. The result is that the alcoholic's sense of guilt and failure is increased; his god-like assurance that he can always do as he pleases, is challenged - and all this adds to his heavy burden of tension and loneliness. If this mental pain is made unbearable, especially by the changed attitudes and actions of the other members of the cast, there can be only one sure way for him to remove his pain, overcome his guilt and sense of failure, and recover a sense of worth and value. However if Act Two is played out as described, it is inescapable that in Act Three the alcoholic will drink again. This is his one sure means of relieving all pain, solving all problems and achieving a sense of being all right. The memory of the immediate comfort and benefits of drinking blot out the knowledge of what will happen if he drinks. Also, always in the back of his mind is the hope that this time he can control it and get the great benefits he once did from drinking. So, what seems absolutely necessary to the alcoholic occurs - he begins to drink again.
Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters #2

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Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters Continued

When he takes the drink, the play does not come to an end. The curtain closes at the end of Act One and Act Two, but in Act Three the play suddenly returns to the first act without closing the curtain. It is like watching a three-reel movie which continues to run without stopping at any point. If the persons in the audience of the play remain seated long enough, and the first two acts are played out as described, all three acts will be played over and over again; and at the end of Act three, the alcoholic will drink again. As years go by the actors get older, but there is little change in the words or the action of the play.
If the first two acts are played as described, then Act three will follow in the same way. If Act One had not occurred, we would not have had the beginning of a play about alcoholism and the drama surrounding it. The makes Act Two the only one in which the tragic drama of alcoholism can be changed, the only Act in which recovery can be initiated by the decisions and actions of those other than the alcoholic. In Act Two the alcoholic has accepted everything that was done for him by others, who perform in this way by choice or because they samply cannot resist helping him. Yet this Act is the one with the real potential to break the downward spiral of alcoholism and its merry-go-round of denial. Let us see what happens when those associated with the alcoholic determine to create a change in the situation.

A planned recover from alcoholism must begin with teh persons in the second act. They must learn how people affect each other in this illness and then learn the most difficult part: that of acting in an entirely different fashion.

New roles can be learned only by turning to others who understand the play and putting into practice their insight and knolwedge. If Act Two is rewritten and replayed, there is every reason to believe that the alcoholic will recover. He is locked in by his illness; others hold the key to the lock. We cannont demand that he give up drinking as a means of solving his problems, but if we unlock the door he will be free to come out.

If the alcoholic is rescued from every crisis, if the boss allows himself to be a victim again and again, and if the wife reacts as a Provoker, there is hardly a chance in ten that the alcoholic will recover. He is virtually helpless; he himself cannot break the lock. He may recover if the other actors int he play learn how to break his dependency on them by refusing to give in to it. The alcoholic cannont keep the Merry-Go-Round going unless the others ride it with him and help him keep it going. The actors in the second act keep asking the alcoholic why he does not stop drinking and yet it is what they do or fail to do that helps the alcoholic to try again and again to solve his basic human problems by drinking. It is not true that an alcoholic cannot be helped until he wants help. It is true that there is almost no chance that the alcoholic will stop drinking as long as other people remove all the painful consequences for him. The people in the second act will find it difficult to change. It is much easier and far less painful for them to say that the alcoholic cann be helped, then to go through the agony of learning to play a new role.

The Enablers and the Victim, too, must seek information, insight and understanding, if they plan to change their roles. The wife or mother must become active in a program of counseling and therapy, if she is to make a basic change in her life.

In understanding the role of the three supporting actors in the drama, we must remember that they did not learn to play these roles overnight. They play a role they think is expected of them; they have been taught to act in this way. They imagine they are helping the alcoholic and do not know they are perpetuating the illness and making it almost impossible for the alcoholic to recover.

The ENABLER

The Enabler is a person who feels he must not let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his drinking when he can so easily prevent this by a simple rescue operation. To him it is like saving a drowning man; it simply must be done. But this rescue mission conveys to the alcoholic what the rescuer really thinks: "You cannot make it without my help." The Enabler thus reveals a lack of faith in the alcoholic's ability to take care of himself, which is a form of judgment and condemnation.

The role of the professional Enabler - (i.e. clergyman, doctor, lawyer or social worker) - can be most destructive, if it conditions the family to reduce the crisis rather than to use it to initiate a recovery program. The family has probably known for a few years that drinking was creating serious problems, but this is not so apt to be visible to person outside of the family. When the family turns to professionals who are not adequately qualified to deal with alcoholism, befor the anti-social behavior has become obvious, the family may be told that this not alcohlism and that there is nothing they can do until the drinker wants help.

When alcoholism reaches the point where it breaks outside the family and the alcoholic himself turns to such professional people, he secures a reduction of his crisis by seekingand using those persons as Enablers. This again keeps the Merry-Go-Round going. The family which was told initially that here were no signs of alcoholism is now taught that the way to deal with it is to remove the symptoms, rather than to deal realistically with the illness. The very persons who failed to identify the alcoholism in its early stages may now treat the more advanced symptoms by helping the alcoholic get back on the merry-go-round. This further conditions the family to believe that nothing can be done to cope with the alcoholism. Even when the family members attempt to secure help for themselves or the alcoholic, the professional role may be that of an Enabler, rather than leading the family and the alcoholic into a long-range program of recovery. As the Enabler is the first person on the scene, he influences the remainder of the second act because it sets the direction and movement of this part of the play. Thus the uninformed professional helps everyone get back on the Merry-Go-Round.

The Victim does not get on the Merry-Go-Round until the drinking has begun to interfere with the alcoholic's work, usually after he has been on the job for many years and a close friendship exists between the boss and the alcoholic. The boss protects his alocholic friend, knowing that the wife and children will suffer if the man is fired. This is especially true if the company has no program for helping alcoholics to recover. Fellow workers also protect the alcoholic's job because this man is their friend. Person interest and friendship cause the Victim to give the alcoholic the very "help" that increases his dependency and need for denial.

The wife is the first person who joins the alcoholic on the Merry-Go-Round. If she absorbs injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises, is outwitted or undermined in every effort to cope with the drinking situation and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility directed toward her, her own reaction is hostility, bitterness, anxiety and rage. Playing the role in this way makes the wife sick. She is not a sick woman who made her husband become an alcoholic but a woman who becomes part of an illness by living with it. She is put in a role which forces her to become the Provoker. She is caught between the advancing illness of alcoholism and the wall of ignorance, shame and embarassment inflicted upon her by society. This crushes her; she needs information and counseling, not because she caused her husband's illness, but because she is being destroyed by it.

THE WIFE STANDS ALONE

Another reason why the wife needs help in the plan of recovery is that if she changes her role and begins to act in a new way she will discover she is standing alone. Others - friends, relations, business associates - will treat her as an actor who is deserting a play when there is no substitute to take her part. This is especially true if the wife separates from her husband, whether by choice or necessity.

Some wives can change their roles by having talks with a counselor who has basic knowledge of alcoholism, or by attending group meetings in a local alcoholism clinic or mental health clinic. Others gain insight and security by taking part in the Al-Anon Family Group meetings. Having new friends who understand her new role, because they have lived through similar pain and agony, is very important for the wife at this time. Relatives and friends may tell her how wrong she is in trying to play a new role; she needs people who understand and can give moral support in her search for answers to the problems of alcoholism.


The basic mistake made by women who seek help for their husbands' alcoholism si that they want to be told what they can do to stop the drinking, not realizing that it may take a long time to learn a new role in the alcoholic marriage. Long periods of regular weekly conferences or group meetings are often necessary before a wife begins to change her feelings and learns to act in a new, constructive way. If others in the play do not learn new roles, the wife may need to remain in the group for a period of 2-3 years before her feelings and emotions will permit a change in role.


The wife should seek help for herself to recover from her own fears, anxieties, resentments and other destructive forces at work in an alcoholic marriage. As she is able to change, this may change the drinking pattern of her husband, and in many causes such a change leads to the alcoholic's recovery. Few husbands can stand a drastic change in their wives without making basic changes in their own lives, but this desirable change cannot be guaranteed. Many wives seek some form of help and then drop out of a program when the problems of an alcoholic marriage are not solved in a short time.

To avoid injury to the children, the wife must seek help outside the circle of family and friends. When she plays the role of Provoker the children are placed between a sick father and a sick mother. The wife who seeks and finds help early enough can prevent much of the harm which is being passed on to the children through her reaction to her husband. If she seeks and finds help, it will protect the children in many ways and may open the the door to her husband's recovery. The rate of recovery increases greatly when the wife seeks help for herself and continues to use this help.

The Moral Issue is also important. No one has a right to play God and demand that the alcoholic stop drinking. The reverse is also true. the alcoholic can only continue to act like a little god, telling everyone what to do, while doing as he pleases, if a supporting cast continues to play this role. The wife has every moral right and responsiblity to refuse to act as if her husband were God Almighty whose ever wish and commandment she must obey. As a rule, she cannot tell her husband anything for he refuses to hear it. Her only effective means of telling him what she means is to learn to free herself from his attempt to control and dictate what she is to do. This independence may be exercised in silence; it need not be expressed in words. Just as the real message to the wife is what the husband does and not what he says, she must learn to convey her message by acting in a new way.

Two things that may interfere with success is a long-range program for his wife. First, the husband's attitude toward the new role may range from disapproval to direct threats or violence. Second, responsibilities in the home, especially if there are young children, make it difficult for the wife to get away to go to group meetings, counseling or therapy during the day. At night, few alcoholic husbands will baby-sit or pay for this service while the wife attends meetings of Al-Anon or other therapy. Nor should they be trusted with this responsiblity while drinking.

If the couple married at an average age, during the pre-alcoholic stage of his illness, the wife ist he first person who joins him on the Merry-Go-Round when alcoholism appears. Many years later the Enabler and the Victim start their roles. If recovery from alcoholism is to be initiated before the illness becomes acute, the wife must initiate the recovery program. Most persons today, often including the helping professionals, are unwilling to accept alcoholism as an illness until it reaches the addictive stage of chronic alcoholism. Thus the wife will find herself in a position of a pioneer in the search for help. If her minister condemns drunkenness, she is ashamed to turn to him. If her doctor fails to recognize the existence of alcoholism in the early stages, medical help and counsel for her are cut off. If conditions become unbearable and she consults a lawyer, he may talk in terms of separation or divorce as the only service he can offer. This increases her sense of failure as a wife, or terrifies her with the prospect of the anxiety and grief she would have, if she took such action. So most wives stay on the Merry-Go-Round or get back on soon after trying to stop it or get off.

Until there are drastic changes in our cultural and social attitudes toward drinking and alcoholism, the family member who wishes to initiate a program of recovery from alcoholism must understand this can be a long and difficult process. However, if the wife or other family member is willing to enter a weekly program of educaiton, therapy, Al-Anon, or counseling, and work at it for a period of six months, changes usually occur, not only in her life but often in the life and action of the alcoholic. A wife cannot make a change unless she believes it to be the right and moral choice, so she must understand the nature of alcoholism. She must also have the courage to stand against her husband's opposition to her own program of recovery. A wife cannot be expected to do what is beyond her emotional or financial capacity. However, by remaining in a program of her own, she may be able to solve problems which at first seemed to difficult.

There is no easy way to stop the merry-go-round, for it can be more painful to stop it than to keep it going. It is impossible to spell out definite rules which apply to all members of the play. Each case is different, but the framework of the play remains much the same.

The family member is able to see the Merry-Go-Round of the alcoholic, but often fails to see that she is the one who helps to keep it going. The hardest part of stopping the repeated cycleis the fear that the alcoholic won't make it without such help. But what she unknowingly considers help is the very thing that permits him to continue to use alcohol as the cure-all for his problems.

If a friend is call upon for help, this should be used as an opportunity to lead the alcoholic and the family into a planned program of recovery.

A professional who has alcoholics or their family members as clients or patients should learn how to cope with alcoholism. Specific literature is available through local, state, and national programs on alcoholism. Short, intensive workshops are also available for professionals who are willing to spend time and effort to acquire basic knowledge of alcoholism.

If a wife thinks her husband has a drinking problem or drinks too much too often, she should seek help and counsel immediately, evaluating the situation in order to find the programs best suited to her needs. Regardless of the kind of help the wife chooses, she should not stop after a few conferences or meetings, for changes do not occur overnight. Regular attendance should be continued, for many wifes learn it takes a long to secure the real benefit from such a program. In our present society, the wife has one basic choice - to seek help for herself or permit the illness of alcohlism to destroy her and other members of her family.

Al-Anon is the most widespread group resource for the family today, just as AA for the alcoholic. Each has several thousand groups throughout the country. Many communities also have Alcoholism Information Centers, Mental Health Centers and professional persons who have learned to give wise and helpful counsel to the family.

To repeat, the wife can find a source of help for herself. This is the only way to break the merry-go-round of denial. Once help is found, she must continue to use whatever help is available and build her own program of recovery, perferably within an established group. Starting a recovery program may can greater suffering, conflict and confusion, but in the long run this is far less painful than helping the alcoholic continue to drink by remaining a member of the support cast of the play which keeps the Merry-Go-Round turning.

In the last one think addict, parent child...........'
sorry its alot to read but these stickys helped me alot

you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

I'm tired

Look under your county pages in the yellow book for Drug & Alcohol. Every county has one or try the county Behavorial for drug rehab--even your Health Dept. will know. I know it's available all across the US. Or ask at the rehab places that you're calling when they ask you about insc. where you may go to inquire as to treatment with no insc. they are all aware of what's out there & can lead you. Salvation Army is all over the US as well. But your AS is the one that NEEDS to want 1st & foremost.

Carol Star

There is a show on tv on Monday nights your husband could learn from...Intervention on A&E . The leaders educate the family members on how not to enable the addict/alcoholics. It actually hurts them to help by slowing down their trip to the bottom.