Really upset......whats the point?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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Really upset......whats the point?
Just when I think we are both getting somewhere he goes and does something stupid and we're both back to square one. I know him doing something stupid shouldn't make me go backwards but it does. After his escapade of drinking the other day and being really ill the next day, he is now in a pub drinking again. That is after he's spent the last 2 days telling me how great he is doing with things.
He really upset me today by basically shouting at me down the phone that I am a mess and I need to sort myself out and stop worrying about him because he can take care of himself and sort himself out. He clearly can't.
I know he does have a point and I need to sort myself out, but shouting it at me just upsets me. He said he can't see me tonight even though he really upset me, andnow he tells me he is at the pub. Seems like he doesn't care about me at all.
Really starting to feel that this just isn't worth it. perhaps I would be better off on my own.
Feel so lonely and upset.
He really upset me today by basically shouting at me down the phone that I am a mess and I need to sort myself out and stop worrying about him because he can take care of himself and sort himself out. He clearly can't.
I know he does have a point and I need to sort myself out, but shouting it at me just upsets me. He said he can't see me tonight even though he really upset me, andnow he tells me he is at the pub. Seems like he doesn't care about me at all.
Really starting to feel that this just isn't worth it. perhaps I would be better off on my own.
Feel so lonely and upset.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Really starting to feel that this just isn't worth it. perhaps I would be better off on my own.
WHOOO HOOO!!! Just maybe, you're reaching the point of having enough! Once you do reach that point, you'll start to make changes that are beneficial to YOU, which is what a healthy person does.
WHOOO HOOO!!! Just maybe, you're reaching the point of having enough! Once you do reach that point, you'll start to make changes that are beneficial to YOU, which is what a healthy person does.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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Ugh I know how this feels...having my entire balance be so easily influenced by the stupid actions and words of another person. I truly empathize with you.
As suki said, it looks like you're getting one step closer to figuring out what you're willing to live with. This is great!
As suki said, it looks like you're getting one step closer to figuring out what you're willing to live with. This is great!
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I seem to swing between the 2 all the time - I've either had enough and feel awful, or I'm going to give everything to make it work. i can't keep up with my own feelings. I feel so drained. Did everyone go through this yo-yo stage?
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
He really upset me today by basically shouting at me down the phone that I am a mess and I need to sort myself out and stop worrying about him because he can take care of himself and sort himself out. He clearly can't.
Now, what are YOU going to do to take care of YOU?
L
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
"....I'm going to give everything to make it work."
(ok, I still can't figure out how to take a section and quote it in a reply!
)
A relationship is a two way street, it's not just your job to make it work, it's his too.
You're drained and tired partly because it seems you're the only one putting in effort.... that's not a relationship, atleast not a healthy one.
I know that when in the middle of it all, it was such hard work, and draining because I chose for it to be such hard work. I chose to immerse myself in his problems and issues.... well, that did NOTHING for my peace of mind. Blah.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it sucks, it's hard to seperate yourself from something when it's what you know. What are you getting out of this besides constant drama to fill your life?
I'm stubborn too.... but now i'm stubborn in the fact that I won't compromise my peace of mind for someone else's self destructive nonsense.
Be Well, take that long bath and for a moment, drift off to Never Never Land.
(ok, I still can't figure out how to take a section and quote it in a reply!
)A relationship is a two way street, it's not just your job to make it work, it's his too.
You're drained and tired partly because it seems you're the only one putting in effort.... that's not a relationship, atleast not a healthy one.
I know that when in the middle of it all, it was such hard work, and draining because I chose for it to be such hard work. I chose to immerse myself in his problems and issues.... well, that did NOTHING for my peace of mind. Blah.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it sucks, it's hard to seperate yourself from something when it's what you know. What are you getting out of this besides constant drama to fill your life?
I'm stubborn too.... but now i'm stubborn in the fact that I won't compromise my peace of mind for someone else's self destructive nonsense.
Be Well, take that long bath and for a moment, drift off to Never Never Land.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Oh Dear Lord!! Just worked out that I have used up 23849 days of my allotted span and a lot of them non too wisely.
Will have to see that I do a better job on what is left.
Thanks for the wake-up call Anvil.
Will have to see that I do a better job on what is left.
Thanks for the wake-up call Anvil.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hijacking for a little lesson in SR quotes to KittyBoo
Use the "quote" button at the bottom of each post. It will open a new screen for you to post your reply.
Use your mouse to highlight the material you want deleted. Or backspace over each word i-n-d-i-v-d-u-a-l-l-y, phew...
Or the trick I learned from Bernadette: just highlight with your cursor the section you wish to address, then click post reply. Paste the section to your replay and then highlight it with a different color by highlighting it with your cursor and clicking on the capital A next to fonts and choose your color.
TaDa
edit: too funny! I just messed up the quote of Kittyboo I pasted at the top, then I erased it, and now it has gone, gone, gone...
Use the "quote" button at the bottom of each post. It will open a new screen for you to post your reply.
Use your mouse to highlight the material you want deleted. Or backspace over each word i-n-d-i-v-d-u-a-l-l-y, phew...
Or the trick I learned from Bernadette: just highlight with your cursor the section you wish to address, then click post reply. Paste the section to your replay and then highlight it with a different color by highlighting it with your cursor and clicking on the capital A next to fonts and choose your color.
TaDa
edit: too funny! I just messed up the quote of Kittyboo I pasted at the top, then I erased it, and now it has gone, gone, gone...
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I did about 3 years in limbo, vacillating between trying to make the marriage work, ignoring it and doing my own thing and plotting my escape. If you're not ready to escape, doing your own thing can be a healthy choice.
I found being the only one working on the marriage to resemble a bird trying to fly with one wing.
I found being the only one working on the marriage to resemble a bird trying to fly with one wing.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Well,
Anything worth doing is worth doing well....you're worth the time and effort.
Anything really rewarding is hard work....you and a happy life of your design with or without a partner is your reward.
Let the voices of experience here tell you what I learned from them...friendship is great, love is divine, faith is uplifting, and trust makes you invincible - the secret is to have it all for free for the rest of your life you have to find it all within yourself.
You are your own best friend and having one friend leads to another and another...
Love yourself and you can share that love with others, only love others and you risk always losing it.
Have faith in you and faith in something, anything, greater than yourself or other people, and you can rid yourself of worry and incessent doubt.
Trust in yourself and never let yourself down. You are the one person who will always have your best interests at heart without alterior motives or baggage (and yet we toss our own selves to wolves time and time again, what's up with that?)
To your question, there is a point. When it hits you, you'll know it and you'll wonder how you could ever have overlooked it before.
Bestest,
Alice
Anything worth doing is worth doing well....you're worth the time and effort.
Anything really rewarding is hard work....you and a happy life of your design with or without a partner is your reward.
Let the voices of experience here tell you what I learned from them...friendship is great, love is divine, faith is uplifting, and trust makes you invincible - the secret is to have it all for free for the rest of your life you have to find it all within yourself.
You are your own best friend and having one friend leads to another and another...
Love yourself and you can share that love with others, only love others and you risk always losing it.
Have faith in you and faith in something, anything, greater than yourself or other people, and you can rid yourself of worry and incessent doubt.
Trust in yourself and never let yourself down. You are the one person who will always have your best interests at heart without alterior motives or baggage (and yet we toss our own selves to wolves time and time again, what's up with that?)
To your question, there is a point. When it hits you, you'll know it and you'll wonder how you could ever have overlooked it before.
Bestest,
Alice
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
I seem to swing between the 2 all the time - I've either had enough and feel awful, or I'm going to give everything to make it work. i can't keep up with my own feelings. I feel so drained. Did everyone go through this yo-yo stage?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
My therapist aske me why I stayed in conversations where someone was berating me. I didn't have an answer other than it NEVER dawned on me that I could exit said conversation. I thought that I had to stay engaged because the other party wanted it that way. Leaving wasn't in my mindset. When you can get passed that notion, relationships become easier...in a way. The ugliness you still cannot control, but YOU CAN CONTROL surrounding yourself with it.
Hugs
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
let's make 2010 the year we set our boundaries and enforce them.
i really am done "being polite" to someone who ignores what i say and keeps crossing those lines.
for example, last night, an old neighbor showed up at my door, with a bottle of whiskey in his belly. he has asked to come see me prior, and i have clearly stated "no, don't come to my new house. it will upset xABF and i don't need more trouble."
so, last night, he shows up with a big "hello darling!". i said "i told you not to come here. good bye". then i went back inside, felt bad for about one minute, and then thought "no, i'm not going to feel bad because he chose to step over my boundary."
iwantcontrol, have you considered what your boundaries are with your alcoholic?
naive
i really am done "being polite" to someone who ignores what i say and keeps crossing those lines.
for example, last night, an old neighbor showed up at my door, with a bottle of whiskey in his belly. he has asked to come see me prior, and i have clearly stated "no, don't come to my new house. it will upset xABF and i don't need more trouble."
so, last night, he shows up with a big "hello darling!". i said "i told you not to come here. good bye". then i went back inside, felt bad for about one minute, and then thought "no, i'm not going to feel bad because he chose to step over my boundary."
iwantcontrol, have you considered what your boundaries are with your alcoholic?
naive
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
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A good friend use to tell me, you will know when you had enough. I reached that place a few times... Then this last relationship, even that was too much. It's then that I Reallly learned that lesson. It takes awhile afterward to get to placing yourself a few rungs up the ladder. But it is soooo worth going thru all this. Life is too Short, not to have some serenity, peace, & control of your own bank account.
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Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I ended up spending the weekend at my BF's so I couldn't use this forum. I really am in a total whirlwind at the moment and can't work out which way is up. We had a fairly nice weekend although he is still irritable and moody.
Alcohol figured in the weekend once and I have been trying to go along with his theory that normal drinking is OK - we shared a bottle of wine. I'm not sure this was a good idea but I'm fed up with trying to control things and causing arguments. Any opinions on this are welcomed. He doesn't seem to be aiming for abstinence ever, so I guess 'normal' drinking is OK if he can control it - it would have to be I suppose. Confusing. I know not everyone is the same so maybe he can control it and drink like a normal person.
I am realising that I can't control or change his drinking habits so I'm going along with this idea that he can drink normally. He might still be lying and drinking through the day but I am jsut going to have to trust he isn't for now. I will find out eventually if he is lying. If he really is going to drink only occassionally in the evenings or at the weekend, and only have a few, then I can live with that situation. He wouldn't have to worry about me finding out he is drinking, and wouldn't have to lie about it.
Am I being really naive and stupid here?
Alcohol figured in the weekend once and I have been trying to go along with his theory that normal drinking is OK - we shared a bottle of wine. I'm not sure this was a good idea but I'm fed up with trying to control things and causing arguments. Any opinions on this are welcomed. He doesn't seem to be aiming for abstinence ever, so I guess 'normal' drinking is OK if he can control it - it would have to be I suppose. Confusing. I know not everyone is the same so maybe he can control it and drink like a normal person.
I am realising that I can't control or change his drinking habits so I'm going along with this idea that he can drink normally. He might still be lying and drinking through the day but I am jsut going to have to trust he isn't for now. I will find out eventually if he is lying. If he really is going to drink only occassionally in the evenings or at the weekend, and only have a few, then I can live with that situation. He wouldn't have to worry about me finding out he is drinking, and wouldn't have to lie about it.
Am I being really naive and stupid here?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
As someone who has been in your shoes, you sound like you are in denial. Going along with the idea that he can drink normally? (You already have observed that he can't, right? So you are suspending YOUR awareness of this reality with the fantasy that is easier to deal with right now.)
"He might be lying but I am just going to trust he isn't." "He wouldn't have to worry about me finding out he is drinking , and wouldn't have to lie about it." He is a sick man and you are putting him in charge of the status of your relationship. Is this what you want? I am not judging you, but want to point this out to you. I did something similar and deeply regret it now. He is sick, just as my ex was. As a sick person he will not make healthy choices. When we allow an unhealthy person to determine our destiny/life/future, we WILL have an unhealthy life, etc.
As someone who has been in your shoes, you sound like you are in denial. Going along with the idea that he can drink normally? (You already have observed that he can't, right? So you are suspending YOUR awareness of this reality with the fantasy that is easier to deal with right now.)
"He might be lying but I am just going to trust he isn't." "He wouldn't have to worry about me finding out he is drinking , and wouldn't have to lie about it." He is a sick man and you are putting him in charge of the status of your relationship. Is this what you want? I am not judging you, but want to point this out to you. I did something similar and deeply regret it now. He is sick, just as my ex was. As a sick person he will not make healthy choices. When we allow an unhealthy person to determine our destiny/life/future, we WILL have an unhealthy life, etc.
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