They never go away
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7
They never go away
Hi! I stumbled across this site searching for answers why suddenly 5 years after leaving my Ex husband I find myself taking steps backwards.
Little background...my Ex is an alcoholic. We were together 11 years, married 7 and we did not have children together (Thank you God). I left because his alcoholism was spinning out of control, he was on medical leave for "anxiety" from his job and was drinking pretty much 24/7. Two weeks before I left he put his fist in my face and threatened to knock my F'ing head off if I said another word. He had never before been violent, so that was the end for me. But, I loved him. I chose the user name IM1IN10 because I just read how only one in ten women leave an alcoholic partner and apparently I'm pretty brave for doing it.
Between 5 years ago and now I would hear how he was doing...terrible. He threatened to take his life several times while talking to me on the phone. I have never wished him harm, I have always wanted him to be safe and healthy and happy and I have been supportive in any way I can to him.
I am now happily re-married and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, Hope.
I heard he is sober and has been for about a year and 1/2 (I'm estimating) and I finally heard this month what brought about his sobriety. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis I believe officially 2 years ago although his enzymes were high when I was still with him in 2004. So, his esophagus ruptured, he lost 4 pints of blood and was in ICU for a while.
This information has really set me back. I feel guilty, I feel sad, I feel angry. Why is he sober NOW? Why did this awful disease pick us? We were supposed to be together forever! We were supposed to have a family! I saw photos of him last week and it brought back a rush of emotions I didn't even know were still in me. I drive home from work thinking about him and cry. What the hell is wrong with me?
I, like an idiot, want some closure from this. I want to talk to him sober for once. I don't even know if he's attending AA. But I know he is NOT ready to talk to me about it. I sent him an email just saying "I heard you are sober, I'm thrilled for you...why didn't you tell me?". Because I saw him a few months ago to retrieve some things he still had at our old house. We have been on good terms with each other, so why wouldn't he tell me? I sent him an email "I'd like to talk to you..." He wrote me back "What's up? Talk about what? I'm all ears!".
It's amazing to me what a manipulative disease alcoholism is...I just keep getting sucked back in, even though I've been gone 5 years and have a new, wonderful, happy life. It really sucks.
Little background...my Ex is an alcoholic. We were together 11 years, married 7 and we did not have children together (Thank you God). I left because his alcoholism was spinning out of control, he was on medical leave for "anxiety" from his job and was drinking pretty much 24/7. Two weeks before I left he put his fist in my face and threatened to knock my F'ing head off if I said another word. He had never before been violent, so that was the end for me. But, I loved him. I chose the user name IM1IN10 because I just read how only one in ten women leave an alcoholic partner and apparently I'm pretty brave for doing it.
Between 5 years ago and now I would hear how he was doing...terrible. He threatened to take his life several times while talking to me on the phone. I have never wished him harm, I have always wanted him to be safe and healthy and happy and I have been supportive in any way I can to him.
I am now happily re-married and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, Hope.
I heard he is sober and has been for about a year and 1/2 (I'm estimating) and I finally heard this month what brought about his sobriety. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis I believe officially 2 years ago although his enzymes were high when I was still with him in 2004. So, his esophagus ruptured, he lost 4 pints of blood and was in ICU for a while.
This information has really set me back. I feel guilty, I feel sad, I feel angry. Why is he sober NOW? Why did this awful disease pick us? We were supposed to be together forever! We were supposed to have a family! I saw photos of him last week and it brought back a rush of emotions I didn't even know were still in me. I drive home from work thinking about him and cry. What the hell is wrong with me?
I, like an idiot, want some closure from this. I want to talk to him sober for once. I don't even know if he's attending AA. But I know he is NOT ready to talk to me about it. I sent him an email just saying "I heard you are sober, I'm thrilled for you...why didn't you tell me?". Because I saw him a few months ago to retrieve some things he still had at our old house. We have been on good terms with each other, so why wouldn't he tell me? I sent him an email "I'd like to talk to you..." He wrote me back "What's up? Talk about what? I'm all ears!".
It's amazing to me what a manipulative disease alcoholism is...I just keep getting sucked back in, even though I've been gone 5 years and have a new, wonderful, happy life. It really sucks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Pffft. Your closure is your marriage and your beautiful daughter, or at least it should be.
Isn't it funny how they all seem to evade working and get disability due to 'anxiety'? How 'bout they try to stop drinking so the anxiety goes away.....
Isn't it funny how they all seem to evade working and get disability due to 'anxiety'? How 'bout they try to stop drinking so the anxiety goes away.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7
Ives
I'm talking about closure directly with him. I have moved on, but that doesn't change that although it probably will never happen...I'd like to hear "I'm sorry". That would be complete closure in my opinion.
Yes, I remember going to see the employer hired counselor who diagnosed him with "anxiety". I told him "yes, I do believe he has anxiety, but he is also an alcoholic, and that's a real problem that needs to be addressed". Hello, the anxiety meds don't even work if they're drinking and taking them.
Thanks for your comments.
Yes, I remember going to see the employer hired counselor who diagnosed him with "anxiety". I told him "yes, I do believe he has anxiety, but he is also an alcoholic, and that's a real problem that needs to be addressed". Hello, the anxiety meds don't even work if they're drinking and taking them.
Thanks for your comments.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi IM1IN10...you may have to come to terms with the fact that he may never give you that "I'm sorry" you're looking for. It's another instance of not being able to control another person's behaviour. As frustrating as that can be (trust me, I feel your pain!).
I'm sorry he's not sober yet, but YAY for you for moving on!
I'm sorry he's not sober yet, but YAY for you for moving on!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7
Thank you nodaybut2day...
There are NO people who would understand in the slightest why I feel this way except for the people who have lived it...the people here.
I'm really not looking for any answers...there aren't any. There's so much I just have to "accept" and it's hard. Just wanna get it out of my system so I can get back to MY life.
There are NO people who would understand in the slightest why I feel this way except for the people who have lived it...the people here.
I'm really not looking for any answers...there aren't any. There's so much I just have to "accept" and it's hard. Just wanna get it out of my system so I can get back to MY life.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello IM,
Thank you for making me feel less insane. Although I have not been married I was planning to marry someone who turned out to be a heavy drinker or early alcoholic in my opinion. We work together and its been over a year I asked him not to talk to me again. To me it seems I was the one in pain for most of 2009 while he got another drinker right away and has been skating all this time.
I believe the expectations for them to apologize or at least acknowledge some of the harm are natural. But it hurts a lot to have expectations that may never be met. In my opinion....... you do not need him to do or say anything to obtain the closure you seek.
Perhaps there is some pain you need to acknowledge and feelings/actions you need to forgive yourself for? when I think of this person as a mirror... I feel better because I can work on myself.
I wanted him to realize who I am, well he never did... but it is enough for me to realize who I am. I wanted him to see how brave I am, well he does not even notice or care, but I do realize it.. and its enough. I wanted him to apologize but once I start forgiving myself for my errors.. its enough. I wanted him to acknowledge the great pain he caused, well I don't think that day is coming any time soon. But if I acknowledge what I went through... and learn from it... its enough.
Closure is not up to him. In therapy there are several exercises that have helped me a great deal. I don't want to interact so I "write" to him. All that I feel. Then I burn the papers. I imagine I meet him, as vividly as possible and talk to him... they say for the mind, its no difference if you actually talk to the person or if you imagine it... for the minds its still real.
Weeks ago I imagined him crying and taking me by both hands and saying he was sorry for my pain... this was very healing. Perhaps you may benefit from similar exercises with the guide of a counselor? for me, alternative therapies also help me cope with the daily reminders (like Bach flowers)
Also what helps me when I am in pain expecting things that never come, is to imagine he has been drinking trying to avoid feeling pain, so if he does not even acknowledge his own pain, how can he ever acknowledge the pain he causes others? and that he is not being evil, its just all he can do, all he knows. Perhaps others hurt him and ignored him and that is what he does to others now.
But that doesn't mean I have to live in the same hell, I can change and grow and learn and find the challenge and enjoy it and accept my feelings, ALL of them... and be compassionate with myself. If others can't or won't do, if their path is different, so be it...
"The language of letting go" is a great book by Melody Beattie, I recommend it as well
In any case know you are not alone..
Thank you for making me feel less insane. Although I have not been married I was planning to marry someone who turned out to be a heavy drinker or early alcoholic in my opinion. We work together and its been over a year I asked him not to talk to me again. To me it seems I was the one in pain for most of 2009 while he got another drinker right away and has been skating all this time.
I believe the expectations for them to apologize or at least acknowledge some of the harm are natural. But it hurts a lot to have expectations that may never be met. In my opinion....... you do not need him to do or say anything to obtain the closure you seek.
Perhaps there is some pain you need to acknowledge and feelings/actions you need to forgive yourself for? when I think of this person as a mirror... I feel better because I can work on myself.
I wanted him to realize who I am, well he never did... but it is enough for me to realize who I am. I wanted him to see how brave I am, well he does not even notice or care, but I do realize it.. and its enough. I wanted him to apologize but once I start forgiving myself for my errors.. its enough. I wanted him to acknowledge the great pain he caused, well I don't think that day is coming any time soon. But if I acknowledge what I went through... and learn from it... its enough.
Closure is not up to him. In therapy there are several exercises that have helped me a great deal. I don't want to interact so I "write" to him. All that I feel. Then I burn the papers. I imagine I meet him, as vividly as possible and talk to him... they say for the mind, its no difference if you actually talk to the person or if you imagine it... for the minds its still real.
Weeks ago I imagined him crying and taking me by both hands and saying he was sorry for my pain... this was very healing. Perhaps you may benefit from similar exercises with the guide of a counselor? for me, alternative therapies also help me cope with the daily reminders (like Bach flowers)
Also what helps me when I am in pain expecting things that never come, is to imagine he has been drinking trying to avoid feeling pain, so if he does not even acknowledge his own pain, how can he ever acknowledge the pain he causes others? and that he is not being evil, its just all he can do, all he knows. Perhaps others hurt him and ignored him and that is what he does to others now.
But that doesn't mean I have to live in the same hell, I can change and grow and learn and find the challenge and enjoy it and accept my feelings, ALL of them... and be compassionate with myself. If others can't or won't do, if their path is different, so be it...
"The language of letting go" is a great book by Melody Beattie, I recommend it as well
In any case know you are not alone..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
This apology thing really gets me!
Last night, my AH and I were brushing teeth and I was sitting on the toilet. He spit in the sink and some of his spit landed in my face.
"You spit on me!" I said laughing.
"I didn't mean to!' was his reply.
Then I was irked. "How about sorry?"
"I apologize to you all the time," was his reply, "besides, saying I didn't mean to is the same thing."
"Saying I didn't mean to is protecting your image. Saying I'm sorry is caring for my experience."
No reply.
Later, he popped in and laughingly said, "Sorry for rudely spitting in your face."
"That sarcasm doesn't cut it!" I said to his retreating frame.
No reply.
So, there you go. Maybe it has to do with being an alcoholic. Shame? Inability to accept responsibility? Don't know. But I know he doesn't have it in him to apologize sincerely.
I grieve that, too.
Last night, my AH and I were brushing teeth and I was sitting on the toilet. He spit in the sink and some of his spit landed in my face.
"You spit on me!" I said laughing.
"I didn't mean to!' was his reply.
Then I was irked. "How about sorry?"
"I apologize to you all the time," was his reply, "besides, saying I didn't mean to is the same thing."
"Saying I didn't mean to is protecting your image. Saying I'm sorry is caring for my experience."
No reply.
Later, he popped in and laughingly said, "Sorry for rudely spitting in your face."
"That sarcasm doesn't cut it!" I said to his retreating frame.
No reply.
So, there you go. Maybe it has to do with being an alcoholic. Shame? Inability to accept responsibility? Don't know. But I know he doesn't have it in him to apologize sincerely.
I grieve that, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i read something from Dr Phil once i think it was to never do anything you wouldn't do with your partner right there in the room. i have found that to be extremely sage advice.
does sound to me like you still have some processing to do, not with him perhaps, feelings can sneak up out of left-field, when we think they are all worked through and over: pesky varmits.
((hugs)) I know one of my fears about leaving my alcoholic-soon-to-be-ex-H (Stbxah) was that he would sober up, get with the programme, after I was gone, and all that I had longed for, pinned my hopes on, dreamed about, begged for, given up, would appear, beyond my ability to have it. That I would then feel all the things you are feeling now. In some ways, horrible though it is to say, it is easier that he doesn't because it validates daily the decision I made. I do understand.
although you may want to assess whether this really is about alcoholism: it doesn't weave a magic spell from afar, and might be something closer to home?
It's amazing to me what a manipulative disease alcoholism is...I just keep getting sucked back in, even though I've been gone 5 years and have a new, wonderful, happy life. It really sucks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7
My husband is aware I have spoken to him and he knows I care about him. I really don't consider asking someone how he is doing "keeping track of him". He wasn't just my husband, he was my friend for 11 years, I think it's perfectly normal to ask about him. I have spoken to him on occasion. Our divorce was not ugly.
I also think it's perfectly normal to want an apology from someone who hurt me even if he is an alcoholic. And isn't he supposed to apologize? The possibility I may not get one is something I will have to live with.
Please don't mistake this, I am not "in" love with him. I do wonder "what might have been" and I think this too is perfectly normal.
I also think it's perfectly normal to want an apology from someone who hurt me even if he is an alcoholic. And isn't he supposed to apologize? The possibility I may not get one is something I will have to live with.
Please don't mistake this, I am not "in" love with him. I do wonder "what might have been" and I think this too is perfectly normal.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
My 2 cents.
Most of us feel like you describe with or without knowledge of HIS current status. The issue as I see it is that WE are NOT owed anything and will likely NEVER get the acknowledgement we want. Coming to terms with THIS REALITY is the only thing that WE can do. I struggle too.
Most of us feel like you describe with or without knowledge of HIS current status. The issue as I see it is that WE are NOT owed anything and will likely NEVER get the acknowledgement we want. Coming to terms with THIS REALITY is the only thing that WE can do. I struggle too.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
IM ... just a thought.. even if he was your long time friend... if the hurt is great still and your thoughts go back to him, could you try going No contact? the less you know about him the better.
It sounds harsh but its easier to go No contact than to keep knowing about what they are doing and obsessing about whatever it is that is going on in their lives, the shoulds..
I agree with Jen, you can use the lack of acknowledgement and apologies in your favor, knowing you were right staying away from him.
It sounds harsh but its easier to go No contact than to keep knowing about what they are doing and obsessing about whatever it is that is going on in their lives, the shoulds..
I agree with Jen, you can use the lack of acknowledgement and apologies in your favor, knowing you were right staying away from him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
JMHO - but I think you are on a slippery slope....pull out of the funk you are in hunny and get on with your life.....your life with you ex is gone now...and besides he could relapse at any moment...we are trying to bash you hun its just things that we see in your wording thats all.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Welcome!
I love your name. Haven't seen that statistic, but believe it 100% because I'm the woman that does things others don't. Unfortunatly, until recently, many of those things weren't healthy. Leaving my AH was a miraculous wonderful thing that I'm thankful for every day. It was like climbing out of a tar pit. Still picking that sh** off me.
Living with, trusting and wanting to spend my live with an alcoholic taught me so much. So has leaving him. I made the choice to leave and have consciously worked to improve my life and life for my children. At this point, I don't in wish him ill either. I earned this.
Reading your post, it doesn't surprise me that you're looking for closure, for an apology, for some sort of acknowledgment from him. You've got a two year old. What a party! You sound like a whip smart woman, and having a little daughter this age is bound to generate thoughts of what is possible, her unlimited potential and dreams for the future.
It can also surface grief for things lost. Lots of emotion.
It sounds like you're having a bout of grief which makes perfect sense to me. Your EAH email is very telling, though, and I am here to testify to the unlimited madness you can experience if you re-engage wtih him. If you willingly go down that rabbit hole. Other folks are here all day long talking about their confusion regarding their recovering alcoholics and why they're still so freaking insane.
Now please tell me if I'm wrong about or reading something into this but
It appears to me that you may have been snooping, or trying to find out information about him? Gone looking for it?
When this is happening to me, I move from simple grief to re-entering that insane relationship I have with my AH. I get caught in a cycle of: trying to understand my emotions, spending a lot of time in my head imagining what he's doing and feeling angry/hurt/sad about our relationship. I obsess about him and it never helps. Never. Not after 14 years. It only hurts me.
And when I have contact with him, it gets worse. My madness gets worse. I can't think straight, I live in resentment and anger and pain.
I'm betting this isn't what you're looking for. I don't think you want the "you are powerless so stop hurting yourself" speach. you want answers. You're regretting the past. You want him to apologize. I understand and validate that.
Acceptance is my friend. Letting go is my friend. For a long while, it took much more for me to get there. I had to obsess, I had to wring out my heart, mind and soul. I had to contact him, get all emotionally attached (and with that always comes the spinning tornado of madness-never sanity) and reach the point where I am completly exhausted from trying to sort it out.
Thankfully, today I don't go there.
I hope this helped. I think the bottom line is none of us have figured out how to extract an apology from our A's. And what your describing looks to me like the cycle I go through when I spend too much time trying to figure out the madness of alcoholism. And also looks like grief and resentment resurfaced.
But you have the choice of stopping it. Maybe getting into therapy to dig some of that stuff out and let it go would help, but I promise you, if you make a conscious effort to stop snooping (if you are), send him back off to neverland with blessings and refocus on your life, you can be back at peace again.
Does this help?
I love your name. Haven't seen that statistic, but believe it 100% because I'm the woman that does things others don't. Unfortunatly, until recently, many of those things weren't healthy. Leaving my AH was a miraculous wonderful thing that I'm thankful for every day. It was like climbing out of a tar pit. Still picking that sh** off me.
Living with, trusting and wanting to spend my live with an alcoholic taught me so much. So has leaving him. I made the choice to leave and have consciously worked to improve my life and life for my children. At this point, I don't in wish him ill either. I earned this.
Reading your post, it doesn't surprise me that you're looking for closure, for an apology, for some sort of acknowledgment from him. You've got a two year old. What a party! You sound like a whip smart woman, and having a little daughter this age is bound to generate thoughts of what is possible, her unlimited potential and dreams for the future.
It can also surface grief for things lost. Lots of emotion.
It sounds like you're having a bout of grief which makes perfect sense to me. Your EAH email is very telling, though, and I am here to testify to the unlimited madness you can experience if you re-engage wtih him. If you willingly go down that rabbit hole. Other folks are here all day long talking about their confusion regarding their recovering alcoholics and why they're still so freaking insane.
Now please tell me if I'm wrong about or reading something into this but
I heard he is sober and has been for about a year and 1/2 (I'm estimating) and I finally heard this month what brought about his sobriety. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis I believe officially 2 years ago although his enzymes were high when I was still with him in 2004. So, his esophagus ruptured, he lost 4 pints of blood and was in ICU for a while.
This information has really set me back. I feel guilty, I feel sad, I feel angry. Why is he sober NOW? Why did this awful disease pick us? We were supposed to be together forever! We were supposed to have a family! I saw photos of him last week and it brought back a rush of emotions I didn't even know were still in me. I drive home from work thinking about him and cry. What the hell is wrong with me?
This information has really set me back. I feel guilty, I feel sad, I feel angry. Why is he sober NOW? Why did this awful disease pick us? We were supposed to be together forever! We were supposed to have a family! I saw photos of him last week and it brought back a rush of emotions I didn't even know were still in me. I drive home from work thinking about him and cry. What the hell is wrong with me?
When this is happening to me, I move from simple grief to re-entering that insane relationship I have with my AH. I get caught in a cycle of: trying to understand my emotions, spending a lot of time in my head imagining what he's doing and feeling angry/hurt/sad about our relationship. I obsess about him and it never helps. Never. Not after 14 years. It only hurts me.
And when I have contact with him, it gets worse. My madness gets worse. I can't think straight, I live in resentment and anger and pain.
I'm betting this isn't what you're looking for. I don't think you want the "you are powerless so stop hurting yourself" speach. you want answers. You're regretting the past. You want him to apologize. I understand and validate that.
Acceptance is my friend. Letting go is my friend. For a long while, it took much more for me to get there. I had to obsess, I had to wring out my heart, mind and soul. I had to contact him, get all emotionally attached (and with that always comes the spinning tornado of madness-never sanity) and reach the point where I am completly exhausted from trying to sort it out.
Thankfully, today I don't go there.
I hope this helped. I think the bottom line is none of us have figured out how to extract an apology from our A's. And what your describing looks to me like the cycle I go through when I spend too much time trying to figure out the madness of alcoholism. And also looks like grief and resentment resurfaced.
But you have the choice of stopping it. Maybe getting into therapy to dig some of that stuff out and let it go would help, but I promise you, if you make a conscious effort to stop snooping (if you are), send him back off to neverland with blessings and refocus on your life, you can be back at peace again.
Does this help?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
IM,
I think it is perfectly normal to wonder about someone who was in your life for all those years.
I also think it is perfectly normal to feel like you got the shaft since he is now sober...
But consider this: his being sober, or more together does not take away from all the pain he made for you two, and I think the key here is to work with your feelings. They are your feelings. you are over here, and he is over there.
I have been hanging by a thread, have a child with my ex, am still being abused in whatever way he can...he is not sober, but has pulled himself together more than ever before, BUT... I am hanging onto this:
I loved him, and I love him still... I just love him from OVER HERE. I want him to stay OVER THERE.
I hope you can work out your anger, and sadness over the loss of this love, this person.
I think it is perfectly normal to wonder about someone who was in your life for all those years.
I also think it is perfectly normal to feel like you got the shaft since he is now sober...
But consider this: his being sober, or more together does not take away from all the pain he made for you two, and I think the key here is to work with your feelings. They are your feelings. you are over here, and he is over there.
I have been hanging by a thread, have a child with my ex, am still being abused in whatever way he can...he is not sober, but has pulled himself together more than ever before, BUT... I am hanging onto this:
I loved him, and I love him still... I just love him from OVER HERE. I want him to stay OVER THERE.
I hope you can work out your anger, and sadness over the loss of this love, this person.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
1IN10,
I hope you are seeking therapy for your unresolved feelings.
Even when I let go of the need to hear a sincere apology, I stil feel that he should.
"If he were really working a program, he would come to me, speak from the heart, and ask for forgiveness." But I have realized that this not only keeps us stuck, it is misplaced. It is not for us to say what someone else should do - that's called an expectation. And today's expectations are tomorrow's resentments.
I have a non-sober but very kind and soft-spoken ex-husband. He has never apologized for assisting in creating a family where alcoholism dwells, nor for the non-present partner he was for many years, which caused me to leave him, although he did experience treatment and sobriety years ago. I also have a current-partner who, after a recent relapse, has much to feel sorry for. He has twice told me "I'm truly truly sorry for the hurt I have caused you" but once it was in a voicemail and once in an email. He has also said, "you know I am sorry - for all of us. How many times do I have to apologize?" I believe that in his head and his heart, he feels that he has. It's not how I would have done it, or how I would have wanted it done, but I believe right now it is heartfelt, and all he is capable of.
I hope you can let go of this need. I think dwelling on the "what if's" and "why's" are a cousin to regret. (and yes, I have them too)
They eat us up.
I hope you are seeking therapy for your unresolved feelings.
Even when I let go of the need to hear a sincere apology, I stil feel that he should.
"If he were really working a program, he would come to me, speak from the heart, and ask for forgiveness." But I have realized that this not only keeps us stuck, it is misplaced. It is not for us to say what someone else should do - that's called an expectation. And today's expectations are tomorrow's resentments.
I have a non-sober but very kind and soft-spoken ex-husband. He has never apologized for assisting in creating a family where alcoholism dwells, nor for the non-present partner he was for many years, which caused me to leave him, although he did experience treatment and sobriety years ago. I also have a current-partner who, after a recent relapse, has much to feel sorry for. He has twice told me "I'm truly truly sorry for the hurt I have caused you" but once it was in a voicemail and once in an email. He has also said, "you know I am sorry - for all of us. How many times do I have to apologize?" I believe that in his head and his heart, he feels that he has. It's not how I would have done it, or how I would have wanted it done, but I believe right now it is heartfelt, and all he is capable of.
I hope you can let go of this need. I think dwelling on the "what if's" and "why's" are a cousin to regret. (and yes, I have them too)
They eat us up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much for your responses! Sometimes we need to hear what we really don't want to hear. I agree that I should not talk to him. Talking to him is not good for me or for him. I blocked him on fb (and his family too), this way I can't see him and he can't see me. He knows I want the best for him and really, maybe his leaving me alone is his apology to me. Nothing is ever going to change what was and I just have to live with it being a part of my past...him too.
My husband and my daughter deserve 100% of my attention...and I deserve to be happy.
Thanks again xoxoxo
My husband and my daughter deserve 100% of my attention...and I deserve to be happy.
Thanks again xoxoxo
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