Callie

First of all, thank you so much for your love and support. I cannot express how much gratitude I feel for the posts, pm's, love and concern. I have not been online for a few days due to the chaos in my life.

The night before last I got ANOTHER call from a neighboring county sheriff's office. He was picked up AGAIN for erratic driving. Another OMVI (operating a motor vehicle while impaired). He was on a major highway driving a junk car without a headlight that would barely run. It was a "buddy's" sisters car. His buddy was with him but had no license and didn't want to drive w/0 a headlight. They had calls come in from people about his driving, they got him. Of course they were AGAIN going to release him. He didn't call me, he called his sister. She called me. Long story short, the other guy's mom picked them up. I said I wouldn't give him a ride home.

He has been picked up 3x in the last 10 days for OMVI and failure to maintain control. He's had 4 accidents in the last 10 days. He has been whacked out of his mind with methadone, xanax, atavan and heroin. His arms were a butchered up mess. He's been @ his mom's all day running and at home all night to sleep. Kids and I have been staying @ my parents.

He went to court 2x yesterday. The first time was for the previous night. The second time was for the NYE accident. He's had trouble with 2 sheriff's offices and the police. FINALLY all three departments got together to have him held @ a multi county jail until his court date, which is in Mid Feb. He went to court yesterday afternoon and thought he'd just have to do some paperwork for a continuance. He never came out. I got a call saying 'hey, can you come and get me @ the sheriff's office?' I said what happened? He said I need '$2500 cash or $300 bond to get out.' I didn't really respond yes or no and hung up.

I spoke with his family and everyone is in agreement that he's where he needs to be. He's safe, we're safe and society is safe. About 20 minutes later a deputy calls and asks if I'm coming with the paperwork and I said no. He said you're not posting bond? I said no, there will be no bond. He said I'm taking him now then. I asked to talk to AH and they put him on. I tried to explain why I wasn't posting (i know, i know) and he said Callie, just call your dad - get the $ and get me out of here. I said no. He hung up on me. I was in the sheriff's parking lot by then and saw them leading him out to the cruiser in cuffs. He didn't see me, but saw my vehicle. When he finally saw me - he just gave me a dirty look and looked away. It was hard seeing them take him away, but it would be harder seeing people take him away in a coffin.

The correctional facility said he would be in a holding area for the entire time. Visitation on Sundays, no phone calls in and no smoking. They said they do NOT do methadone or administer ANY narcotics, but would medically supervise his detox as best as they could.

The phone starts ringing off the hook about 2 hours later. Collect calls from jail. I did not answer, his family did not answer, my family did not answer. I called the police station and the CF and asked that I be notified if he was let out. His family called everyone that they could asking that he NOT be bailed out.

Yesterday I talked with him and he was coming down from his high. He was more coherant. He has NO recollection of about 80% of the last 2.5 weeks. Remembers bits and pieces, but that's about all.

Yesterday, I told him that I filed for divorce, told him of all of the charges he was facing, he came to realize that he was facing possible time for all that he's done and he was unexpectedly thrown in jail for 3.5 weeks minimum, he's going to have to go through detox, he can't smoke, can't live in his home etc.
Yesterday was NOT a good day for him but has been a long time coming.

I stupidly(codie) find myself feeling bad for him because the binge that he was on yielded all of this for him. He choose to be so far gone that he had no clue what he was doing - but I know it was his choice. His comment when I begged him to stop was 'I'm just gettin' started, this is only the beginning' has severe consequences. My AH has never been in jail or even close to it. Part of me feels bad because it wasn't 'him in his right mind' that did these things. The rational side of me knows that if he wouldn't have chosen to remain high for 24/7 - 2 weeks straight - he wouldn't be facing these problems.

The courts did not have to put him in jail, they made the choice because they saw how out of control he was. I'm glad for that. The judge came down hard on him and I guess they had police waiting on him to take him away.

Everyone has asked me if I feel relief. Yes, but no. Yes because @ least he's safe - the kids and I can resume as normal of a life as possible, but no because I'm afraid he'll manipulate someone to bail him out. He's where he needs to be right now and I pray that he stays there.

So I'm left with 3 wrecks to deal with through insurance, a cell phone to find and cancel. My SUV has a bent frame (he admitted to taking it finally) so it may be totaled, which means I'll have to look for a new vehicle. I'm left to work through a divorce. My house is a disaster, I have about 12 loads of laundry to do, holes in the wall to fix, garage doors to replace. It's a mess. But at least now it's a mess that I can tackle and don't have to worry about someone re-creating it again and again.

I'm left with what I'm going to tell the public. I'm trying to come up with something simple and to the point without elaborating. Most importantly I have no idea what to tell the kids. They're 9. They know daddy's been making some bad choices and we've had to stay @ grandma and grandpa's. I haven't told them about jail yet because I'm not sure if he's going to get out. I think I'm going to talk with them this weekend. Any ideas with what to say? Obviously I'll be truthful and to the point, but they'll be devastated. Hopefully I can get the house together, get back in here and finally experience some peace.

About the thread that was closed. Thank you so much for your contribution. (Thank you too Janet - love ya!) In reality, during that time my head was absolutely spinning. I had NO time to gain my bearings because it was blow after blow after blow. If we were not married I could have cancelled insurance, had him removed from my house, shut my phone off and left him to himself. In MY state though as his wife I AM responsible IF he would do something and get someone killed or we would get sued. They will FIRST go after him and THEN to me. Even though I was told here repeatedly let him go, shut the door, cancel this or that I COULD NOT do that because of the assets and money that I could potentially lose. AS HIS WIFE it was as much on me as it was him. That is the law in our state and I can't help that.

I really haven't had time to re-read the 'big bang' thread as of late. I really couldn't comprehend much during that time. I don't know that I was asking for advice as much as I was asking to know that I wasn't alone. I have never been through anything like that before and I was in total crisis mode. Really during that time everything that I had learned kind of went out the window. It was adrenaline pumping, terror, fight or flight mode. I CONSTANTLY felt like that.

Now that things have calmed down I can grasp Let Go, Let God - the 3 c's, the serenity prayer or whatever. I can USE those tools. During the last 3 weeks I could not. I was scared to death he was going to OD, kill himself or someone else in a wreck. I had not a moments peace, not ONE during that time. I exhausted every option that I could to get him out of here and off of the streets. Again I did this BECAUSE I AM financially LIABLE as his wife. Maybe I didn't handle myself according to the codie recovery handbook to a T. But I did the very best that 'I' could do during that time.

It was only 3 weeks ago that I decided to go ahead with a divorce. Up until that time I had every intention of working on my marriage. The divorce was a HUGE, HUGE step for me. I have no intentions of reversing that. My AH and I are SO intertwined, so severely wrapped up in eachother. We've been together since we were babies ourselves. We were both 17. Adult life TOGETHER is all that we have ever known. In a sense we 'grew up' together. (at least one of did ;0) The life that we built TOGETHER - healthy or not was a HUGE decision to make to dismantle. It was put solely on MY shoulders. He would never and will never make that decision on his own. Because he's sick, he 'needs' me. It's a toxic cycle and one that has taken and will take every fiber of my being to fully break. I know 100% without a doubt though that this bond needs to be severed.

Even after all of this, I just get a call on my cell from 3 way call. It was AH and a lawyer. I didn't answer. He said 'Callie' c'mon. What are you doing, just post my bond and get me out. See, even after everything that he's done there's still that 'she's got my back' attitude. He's already scrambling around trying to get an attorney from jail. He's scared to death of the detox that is about to come and he will pull out every single stop from his arsenal to assure that he doesn't have to go through it. Attorneys are running to him because he 'looks' like he's going to be able to cough up whatever retainer they ask for. I've had 2 bail bondsman calling me today so far. Declined them all. That's huge for me. I know it's best for everyone involved.

I just want some peace and quiet. I want to clean up this mess and NOT have this drama on my doorstep. I want to move on and start a new chapter with my kids. I want to repair myself and our lives and be fully present for them. They are awesome kids.

Thanks so much guys. I'm not a hard core recovering codie and probably will never be. I don't want to be so staunch and so severe in my boundaries that I never let anyone in. I was burned. Burned badly, but I have learned, am learning alot. I still have alot of love and compassion in my heart. I hope that never changes. I have learned for the future how important boundaries are. In any relationship. I allowed him to cross them time and time again. Just KNOWING that he would change. KNOWING that he was in there somewhere. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But I know that I can't fix or control this anymore.

I changed my screen desktop to a butterfly, which means rebirth. I want to look @ it every day as a reminder of the new life that I'm about to start. I am hoping to make this chapter in my life the best yet. I still have alot of loose ends to tangle up. I still have to go through the detox of letting him go. It will be hard, I know it. But nothing can be as hard as the last 5 years of my life will be. At least now I have a goal - to rebuild myself as a divorced woman. My goal is no longer "I'll be happy when....." (he's clean, he does this, he does that etc). My life will now revolve around myself and my kids.

I have a long road, I know it - but I'll get there. I already feel a sense of relief. Thanks for the concern, the pm's, the advice and for SR. I have no idea what I would do without you guys. Love ya!

Ann

Callie, I hear hope in your voice today, instead of panic, and I love that you are strong enough to do the right thing.

Keeping you and your kids in my prayers, it may still be a rough road but you're heading out of the chaos and into peace.

Hugs

cece1960

(((Callie)))
I'm glad you are able to take a step back and try to wrap your head around all of this.

There's nothing wrong with feeling bad for your husband. How could you not? Look at what has become of his life.

There's a difference between having compassion, and feeling you can change the outcome. Between feeling bad for someone in a very bad place, and feeling responsible.

Our addicted love ones are not monsters, they are people in crisis. Unfortunately we need to move out of the way and let then face the consequences.

Prayers that each day brings you clarity and peace

(((Hugs)))

eaglesgirl

I am so glad you took time to come and post here... So many have been keeping you and your children in their prayers...

Ann is correct... your post today has taken on a tone of HOPE... I am thankful that you may get some much needed peace for now.

Keeping you and your children close in my thoughts and prayers....

suki44883

So glad to know you and the kiddos are safe. Take care of yourself and stay strong!

serenityqueen

Thanks so much for letting us know you're ok. You do sound hopefull and even though it's been madness, to say the least over the last 3 weeks, you sound at peace. Just knowing that he is somewhere that he can't hurt anyone else or himself any longer definately has to make you breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Of course it's hard for you knowing that he's sitting in jail, more than likely in withdrawls right now. I know you love the man that you married, but as you very well know, the person sitting in that jail right now isn't your Husband. The disease took him over completely a long time ago. And remember, this is a disease. If he had Cancer, you'd do everything in your power to see he got all the help he needed, not because you necessarily want to remain married, but because of the history you do have together, he's the Father of your boys and you are a loving, caring person. To begin treatment for his disease he must begin to face the consequences of his choices and behaviors. He needs to get the drugs out of his system. He needs time to sit and think about everything that happened. No, he may not remember all the details, but in a way, I think that may be good. He'll be forced to really stop and think about exactly what happened that got him to the point he is at right now, why he's sitting in jail and no one will come and bail him out. If you bail him out, he's going to run and shoot some dope right away to stop the withdrawls and to calm the anger that he's feeling. You've made a great deal of positive, yet difficult decisions about what's best for you, your boys and yes, even him. Continue to make the right decisions and let him sit. If someone else bails him out, then so be it. It's another example of having to accept the fact that we can't control everything.

I know you want to hurry up and get your house back to being your home for you and the boys, but please take things easy. You have been through a huge trauma over the past 3 weeks. Don't overwhelm yourself by trying to do it all right away. I'd love to see you take this evening to spend peaceful, relaxing yet fun time with the boys. Watch a movie, play a board game, anything that will give them some peace and feelings of security as well as yourself. After they go to bed, take the longest, hottest, most relaxing bath you have ever taken. You can lay back and soak without worrying what's going to happen in the next 5 minutes. You know the holes in the walls will be there tomorrow. lol

I don't know if the Sheriff's Dept gave you the information about the VINE System here in Ohio. It's an automated system that will notify you 24 hours a day if there is any change in his status. You simply call the number, put in the info regarding his name and so forth, your phone number, and it will call you if he is released. You don't need the Courts to grant you permission to use this, it's available to anyone. The number is 1-800-770-0192.

I would encourage you to not accept any more phone calls from him, especially right now. He's going to be in top form as far as trying to manipulate you into coming to get him. And whatever you do, please, please, please don't go and visit him. He's going to be really dope sick this Sunday and there's nothing you could say or do that would be of any benefit to him. I honestly think he would just get more aggitated if you went to see him and didn't bail him out.

As far as what to tell the boys, I would just tell them that their Daddy made some bad choices and he's in jail right now because of them. You don't have to go into details. Just reassure them that he's safe, he's got a warm bed to sleep in, he's being fed 3 meals a day, there's doctors there is he would get sick, etc. When I was in prison, Brandon seemed to be comforted knowing these things. He especially wanted to make sure I had a pillow.

You call me anytime you want. I'm so thankful that you and everyone involved is ok.

Big hugs,
Judy

hello-kitty

Girl! You are really moving forward. I have had to do this several times and it is HARD. But it really is the best thing.

For me it's not about being a hard core staunch recovering codie. But it IS about drawing firm boundaries about the way I will let people treat me and my child - even if that person is my childs father. It's about treating myself better (because if I don't who will?!) Now I allow myself to have VALUE in a relationship. Before, I kinda used to just rescue people and hope they appreciated it. Now, I rescue myself and my son.

As you may or may not have read on here, my ex still causes me trouble - not as much because I have boundaries - but he still does. However, having my boundaries in place gives me a clearer perspective on things. I know that dealing with him is my choice. And that the consequences of dealing with him are something I have to own as well. My boundaries serve as a protective bubble from his erratic behavior. And he's not even using that I know of - but he fried his brains with drugs.

I have compassion for him. But I will not try to save him anymore. In many ways, that is forced because by nature I am a "saver". However, he has to stand alone. It's the only hope he has really. And me too - the only hope I have to protect my son.

Anyway, thanks for your update. Please keep them coming. You are in my thoughts. I'm glad you and the kids are safe and have the support of your family.

hello-kitty

I don't know if you read my PM, but re: what to tell the kids.

I don't tell my son much - just that daddy has some responsibilities that he needs to take care of but I love you and you have nothing to worry about. I will always take care of you.

The rest of the public doesn't need to know anything your not comfortable sharing. I just say, "I don't want to talk about that right now. Let's talk about YOU!"

PacNorwesterner

I can only say: Thank God that he is in jail. You and the kids are safe; your dh is safe; and the general public is safe, for today.

Lifting up prayers for your serenity.

Ann

I just re-read your post and this jumped out at me. Do you realize that not once did what you want depend on anyone else or what they do? You CAN have all these things, you're already on the path that will bring them to you.

You are so much stronger than you think, your kids are lucky to have you to keep them safe and to lead by example.

Hugs

Impurrfect

(((Callie))) - thanks for posting the update.

I'm glad he's in a safe place, even though that "safe place" is jail.

I have to admit...my dad had a trip to OH 2 nights ago, and since I didn't know WHERE in OH you lived, I was praying that your AH wasn't on the road...more than I already had been. Selfish? Yes, I'm sure it seems that way, but it was realistic. I HAD been worried that he was going to kill himself and/or someone else.

I am glad to hear hope in you voice and I hope that you can continue to move forward and let him deal with his consequences. Yes, it hurts to see someone who "had it all" go down this path, but we CAN have compassion and still step away.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chino

It won't change unless you allow it to happen. One of my favorite quotes is "purity of soul cannot be lost without consent."

You, your husband, your family, remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Bernadette

Most importantly I have no idea what to tell the kids. They're 9. They know daddy's been making some bad choices and we've had to stay @ grandma and grandpa's. I haven't told them about jail yet because I'm not sure if he's going to get out. I think I'm going to talk with them this weekend. Any ideas with what to say? Obviously I'll be truthful and to the point, but they'll be devastated.

What I craved more than anything as a child of an A father was honesty. 9yr olds understand a lot, they see the truth and they recognize if truth is being shared with them. My imagination was way worse than if my mom had just told us the truth, it may have been sad and painful, but it would have made me feel so respected and not ashamed. Instead I felt like I didn't really matter, like my mother must've been assuming this didn't affect me very much(!!!) and like I couldn't be trusted to know the truth and like there was a lot for me to be ashamed of.

Recently, when one of my A bros got his 2nd DUI and was in jail and making all the crazy phone calls and begging to come and stay with me after release, and for money, etc, and on and on, I sat my boys down and said "This is why alcohol abuse is so bad and dangerous. Right now Uncle is in jail. Alcoholism leads to jail! But he has been in jail in his mind for the last 20 years...addiction means giving up your freedom, never forget that! Right now you guys have clean, sober, free, sane brains....if you choose to abuse drugs and alcohol you can find yourselves very quickly imprisoned in your mind. And I think that's a crummy way to live. And no one can love you out of it, or rescue you out of it, it is a very hard place to find yourself. Uncle loves us and we love him, but he has a whole huge problem that only he can fix....so lets send him a message of love but we will not be bailing him out or letting him crash here. That would be helping the bad guy "alcohol" and we don't play for that team."

I know it is a huger thing because he is their dad, but you can't go wrong with honesty and you cannot protect them from the sting of reality - dad is an addict, and nothing we did caused it, nothing we do can control it, and nothing we do can cure it. And that is painful to accept but true, and once accepted it leads to a release from shame.


Good luck Callie -stay strong - stay true!

peace-
b

CatsPajamas

Callie,

I don't have much to add as the others have said it well. We love you, and we are praying for you and your children, and your H also. Perhaps this is his time and he'll be able to grasp the reality and severity of his situation, and he can reach out for the help that he needs.

In my experience, I talked to my kids about choices, consequences, actions, behaviors, boundaries. They probably know more already than you think they do.

Hugs to you all
Cats

cessy68

Hey Callie,

Glad to hear that you and the kids are well. Mommy doing fine = Kids will be o.k.

Keep your head up girl, there is an amazing world out there --out of this craziness just waiting for you.

Love,
Cess

liesagain

Callie

My son (step son) has both a father and mother that are addicts. His mother has had very little to do with him since he was a baby ....hes almost 14 now. His father has full custody of him.......so I have full custody of him currently.

He spends time with his mothers family, hes known for a really long time that both of his parents are addicts.

But he also only knew his dad in recovery so though he knew dad use to use drugs he learned that a person doesnt have to be "using drugs" as he puts it-----" because there are alot of meetings, they dont cost anything the person just needs to want to go"

When his dad relapsed the 1st time he was about 9, I tried to keep it hidden, but kids KNOW somethings up....dad didnt come home and he wasnt here when he woke up ....I was a wreck and he (son/step son) was getting sent to sleep over with a family member.
He KNEW something, he just didnt know what.

It took a few relapses before I finally told him the truth and he took it well, he had been resentful in his attitudes towards his mother because she didnt get better yet his dad had always stayed away from "using drugs again".............so he blamed her alot for her active addiction(at that time)

then when his dad relapsed I thought he would be crushed but he has been told and taught from the beginning that addiction is a disease.........the brain is messed up from using drugs and the person doesnt always make the best decisions but its NOT about him or how much either of his parents love him ----its about them, their addiction/disease and their choices once a person uses drugs and becomes an addict it takes work --hard work for the rest of their life not to use drugs again. Hes been to open meetings with his dad and hes been to treatment centers so he knows its not just us, not just our family addiction isnt selective.

He knows we cant make his mom or his dad better, he knows its not about him, and its not about love and he also knows he has another "parent" ME who wont let him down who will be honest and who will be here for him no matter what.

Callie sometimes thats the best we can do...........is be truthful so they can trust and count on US If I lie to him or keep things from him.......who can he count on? Who can he trust? For me it is most important that he not grow up afraid to love or trust and to have someone he can count on all the time..........I'm not perfect I make sure to tell him that too. but I am here, will be here and will be trustworthy. When I finally told him the truth about his dads relapses I started by telling him I was sorry for not telling him sooner but that I wasnt sure how to tell him and that I was worried about him.........but now saw that telling him the truth would be best, and told him he could ask me ANY questions he wanted at that moment and anytime he had a question...

you know what he asked me? He asked me What drug did my dad do? So I answered and said cocaine actually crack cocaine ......he sat there very quiet for a few minutes then he said...............thats why my dad didnt come home because that drug makes a person "nervous" and he knew he couldnt be around us or we would know.

I asked how he knew that and he said he learned about it at school what each drug was and what they did to a person......

For him he needed to make sense of the events that were happening around him...........it wasnt so much about the drug as it was why dad didnt come home when he did the drugs.

Hes also encouraged to ask about or talk about his mom.......As much as I dont care for her I MUST help him accept her without blaming himself thats my job as his parent or at least thats how I see it. ....so I also make sure to tell him good things about his mother, even though she doesnt seem to have it in her to get clean and be a part of his life I tell him his mom was a good mom before the drugs, and she loves him no matter what choices shes made or makes. I also tell him that I pray for his mom, because I want her to get better I feel its imporant to make sure he knows its okay for him to love her and care about her......she is afterall the ONLY biological mother he will ever have. If I dont like her or act hostile about her how can he feel free to love her?

His opinions and thoughts and feelings for his dad are alot easier, he loves his dad, knows his dad clean and sober hes has never seen him high but he knows his dad has used drugs "again" and has needed to be away for treatment to get clean and stay clean..............he seems to view his parents in different light........the kid is alot smarter than alot of us....his view is
yeah its a disease but its for them to want help and get it, when the do ...great when they dont ----"well I can't feel bad for her, she can do the same stuff my dad does to get better she just doesnt and its not my fault"

He knows recovery is a choice just like active addiction is.........

It didnt all start out so straigh foreward and honest it was little by little and keeping the discussions open all the time over the years ........

hope this helps a little.

NeedingHelp7

Yay!!!! Callie, Oh my gosh, you don't know how glad I am to hear from you!!!

And how glad I am to hear he's locked up (not that I like anyone locked up), but him....yeah!!!! Hopefully he will sit in there til your divorce is finalized at least.


I fully agree with this Callie....it's gonna be hard to detach completely, but you can do this!!!

Be back in a bit....

Callie

x

coffeedrinker

I just want some peace and quiet. I want to clean up this mess and NOT have this drama on my doorstep. I want to move on and start a new chapter with my kids. I want to repair myself and our lives and be fully present for them. They are awesome kids.

this is so so very very . . . . . . beautiful



peace

MrsMagoo

AWESOME Callie! Dig your heels in girl and remember, as he gets dope sick, its going to get ugly. The phone calls will probably increase despite your resistance because like you said, you always have his back.

Keep your head down and seriously, don't go see him this weekend. None of this is your fault but you are a walking, talking target and probably will be for quite a while. Stay busy with the kids and be around positive people.

I too clean when I just don't know what else to do. They physical energy quiets my mind and sure does help with sleep! I bet you feel like you could sleep for a week huh?

Much love, big hugs and continued prayers for peace and healing. I'm so glad you posted!