Emotionally lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 4
Emotionally lost
Good morning all! 
I am trying to collect my thoughts so that I can write something that makes sense but it doesn't seem to be working. Pardon me if I ramble or lose focus.
I went to my Dr yesterday and he is sending me to do an evaluation....Grief and Alcoholism.
I used to be the person who had it all together and could do anything. Now, I feel like I can barely get out of bed. I don't really understand why and how; I want to be myself again but I just cannot seem to pull it together.
I suppose my downward spiral started along time ago but it seems to me that it started on 2/14/08. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I talked with him and when I left I grabbed a 12 pack, hit the hills and since that day, I have been drinking whenever I can. My Dad died on 3/14/08, my son was 9 mos old... I cannot even begin to express how horrible this has been. My Dad was all I had; I was not (still am not) close to anyone in my family. It was always just Dad and I.
So here I am. My son will be 3 this summer. Ugh, the bottom line: I hate my life and I am barely functioning.
I am going to try the program my Dr recommended including AA. I am scared that I am going to hate my life even more if/when I stop drinking but I have try since the way I am going isn't working either. When I am drinking I can laugh about my Dad, I can cry, things look better but the pain is barely tolerable. How is this going to feel sober? Honestly, I hurt so bad it feels like it will kill me. AHHHHH!
Anyone know anything about this? Is this grief on top of an addiction problem? Is what I am feeling normal for where I am? Help!?!?
I am trying to collect my thoughts so that I can write something that makes sense but it doesn't seem to be working. Pardon me if I ramble or lose focus.
I went to my Dr yesterday and he is sending me to do an evaluation....Grief and Alcoholism.
I used to be the person who had it all together and could do anything. Now, I feel like I can barely get out of bed. I don't really understand why and how; I want to be myself again but I just cannot seem to pull it together.
I suppose my downward spiral started along time ago but it seems to me that it started on 2/14/08. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I talked with him and when I left I grabbed a 12 pack, hit the hills and since that day, I have been drinking whenever I can. My Dad died on 3/14/08, my son was 9 mos old... I cannot even begin to express how horrible this has been. My Dad was all I had; I was not (still am not) close to anyone in my family. It was always just Dad and I.
So here I am. My son will be 3 this summer. Ugh, the bottom line: I hate my life and I am barely functioning.
I am going to try the program my Dr recommended including AA. I am scared that I am going to hate my life even more if/when I stop drinking but I have try since the way I am going isn't working either. When I am drinking I can laugh about my Dad, I can cry, things look better but the pain is barely tolerable. How is this going to feel sober? Honestly, I hurt so bad it feels like it will kill me. AHHHHH!
Anyone know anything about this? Is this grief on top of an addiction problem? Is what I am feeling normal for where I am? Help!?!?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Welcome to SR!
Grief is a process... a process that becomes arrested, stuck, when one is in active alcoholism... So you've been spinning your wheels... Get sober and recovered, pull yourself out of this... Will it hurt? Probably... but you will grow and move through this terrible grief.
Keep coming back!
Mark
Grief is a process... a process that becomes arrested, stuck, when one is in active alcoholism... So you've been spinning your wheels... Get sober and recovered, pull yourself out of this... Will it hurt? Probably... but you will grow and move through this terrible grief.
Keep coming back!
Mark
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,042
I can relate. My drug and alcohol use spiraled out of control when my sister (and only surviving blood relative) passed on June 4, 2004. I also felt as if my whole world had ended. It was a combination of not wanting to feel the pain and the guilt of "why her not me".
I have been drug and alcohol free since Aug 21, 2007. What I know is that I was blessed to have such a wonderful person in my life, she is no longer here physically but her spirit lives on in the memories I have of her. She passed, I didn't. I have developed a support system of people both in and out of the AA program and I am not alone.
It is good that you are working with your doctor and getting help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I have been drug and alcohol free since Aug 21, 2007. What I know is that I was blessed to have such a wonderful person in my life, she is no longer here physically but her spirit lives on in the memories I have of her. She passed, I didn't. I have developed a support system of people both in and out of the AA program and I am not alone.
It is good that you are working with your doctor and getting help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hello,
Just prior to entering the program my son was diagnosed with multiple handicapps. I was brought to the point of knowing I probably didn't have enough guts to actually kill myself, but I could understand why some people would. It was like, "Oh, so this is what it feels like to be suicidal".
It was either make a change or die. The first meeting I went to, I heard someone say "The best thing you can do for your son is to love his mother". I didn't think that was possible. I later asked the woman who became my sponsor "How do I do that". She said by working the program, and learning to take care of yourself.
Flash forward 2 1/2 years. I've been transformed emotionally, physically, and mentally. That pathetic person I was is but a shadow. I'm doing things today I would have never dreamed of. A job that's amazing. I'm a confident mother. I feel truly blessed.
I do have help with anti-depressants, there's a big family history there. But, without AA, Sure, I might be okay. But with AA and the fellowship of like people... I've been rocketed into the fourth demension. It's far better than I could have imagined.
I don't think I'd have the transformation I've been blessed to have without being at that absolute low.
You're doing all the right things right now. Keep it up.
Just prior to entering the program my son was diagnosed with multiple handicapps. I was brought to the point of knowing I probably didn't have enough guts to actually kill myself, but I could understand why some people would. It was like, "Oh, so this is what it feels like to be suicidal".
It was either make a change or die. The first meeting I went to, I heard someone say "The best thing you can do for your son is to love his mother". I didn't think that was possible. I later asked the woman who became my sponsor "How do I do that". She said by working the program, and learning to take care of yourself.
Flash forward 2 1/2 years. I've been transformed emotionally, physically, and mentally. That pathetic person I was is but a shadow. I'm doing things today I would have never dreamed of. A job that's amazing. I'm a confident mother. I feel truly blessed.
I do have help with anti-depressants, there's a big family history there. But, without AA, Sure, I might be okay. But with AA and the fellowship of like people... I've been rocketed into the fourth demension. It's far better than I could have imagined.
I don't think I'd have the transformation I've been blessed to have without being at that absolute low.
You're doing all the right things right now. Keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: My world
Posts: 379
Hi and welcome.
I think the evaluation is the right way to go. You sound very depressed and of course for good reason. I went through a very similar situation almost 30 years ago (boy, I'm old
) No don't worry it doesn't take that long to get better.
My parents died when I was barely 20. I immediately had my first child and once my baby was born, fell into deep depression. It took a year to be diagnosed.
I was just like you described, couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to live, felt terribly guilty because I wasn't a good mum and the grief for my parents was overwhelming.
The only good thing was that I didn't drown myself in drink then (I made up for that later). Counselling really helped and things got better slowly. I think I felt cheated at the time, why me why my parents why so early etc. etc., but over the years I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason and we have to cope with the cards we are dealt. It makes us who we are.
The grief never went quite away, I don't think it ever will, but that is all part of it. I still cry occasionally and that's okay too.
I know it's tough right now to see everything clearly, but please remember that what your dad was to you, you are to your little boy.
Please work with your doctor, get some kind of recovery plan together, stay with SR for support and keep strong and look forward, not back. One day you will laugh about your dad without being drunk and while you are telling his grandson all about him - I promise.
:ghug3
I think the evaluation is the right way to go. You sound very depressed and of course for good reason. I went through a very similar situation almost 30 years ago (boy, I'm old
) No don't worry it doesn't take that long to get better.My parents died when I was barely 20. I immediately had my first child and once my baby was born, fell into deep depression. It took a year to be diagnosed.
I was just like you described, couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to live, felt terribly guilty because I wasn't a good mum and the grief for my parents was overwhelming.
The only good thing was that I didn't drown myself in drink then (I made up for that later). Counselling really helped and things got better slowly. I think I felt cheated at the time, why me why my parents why so early etc. etc., but over the years I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason and we have to cope with the cards we are dealt. It makes us who we are.
The grief never went quite away, I don't think it ever will, but that is all part of it. I still cry occasionally and that's okay too.
I know it's tough right now to see everything clearly, but please remember that what your dad was to you, you are to your little boy.
Please work with your doctor, get some kind of recovery plan together, stay with SR for support and keep strong and look forward, not back. One day you will laugh about your dad without being drunk and while you are telling his grandson all about him - I promise.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by Alizerin 
Hello,
Just prior to entering the program my son was diagnosed with multiple handicapps. I was brought to the point of knowing I probably didn't have enough guts to actually kill myself, but I could understand why some people would. It was like, "Oh, so this is what it feels like to be suicidal".
It was either make a change or die. The first meeting I went to, I heard someone say "The best thing you can do for your son is to love his mother". I didn't think that was possible. I later asked the woman who became my sponsor "How do I do that". She said by working the program, and learning to take care of yourself.
Flash forward 2 1/2 years. I've been transformed emotionally, physically, and mentally. That pathetic person I was is but a shadow. I'm doing things today I would have never dreamed of. A job that's amazing. I'm a confident mother. I feel truly blessed.
I do have help with anti-depressants, there's a big family history there. But, without AA, Sure, I might be okay. But with AA and the fellowship of like people... I've been rocketed into the fourth demension. It's far better than I could have imagined.
I don't think I'd have the transformation I've been blessed to have without being at that absolute low.
You're doing all the right things right now. Keep it up.
Just prior to entering the program my son was diagnosed with multiple handicapps. I was brought to the point of knowing I probably didn't have enough guts to actually kill myself, but I could understand why some people would. It was like, "Oh, so this is what it feels like to be suicidal".
It was either make a change or die. The first meeting I went to, I heard someone say "The best thing you can do for your son is to love his mother". I didn't think that was possible. I later asked the woman who became my sponsor "How do I do that". She said by working the program, and learning to take care of yourself.
Flash forward 2 1/2 years. I've been transformed emotionally, physically, and mentally. That pathetic person I was is but a shadow. I'm doing things today I would have never dreamed of. A job that's amazing. I'm a confident mother. I feel truly blessed.
I do have help with anti-depressants, there's a big family history there. But, without AA, Sure, I might be okay. But with AA and the fellowship of like people... I've been rocketed into the fourth demension. It's far better than I could have imagined.
I don't think I'd have the transformation I've been blessed to have without being at that absolute low.
You're doing all the right things right now. Keep it up.
My friend in AA lost her father and basically spiralled downhill very fast, they were very close. She went to a grief counselor who turned out to be in AA himself, she didn't find out until she walked into AA of her own volition...she had a resentment against him for not saying for quite some time:-0
Point is grief counselling helped her and AA helped her and still does...sorry for your loss and hope you get to a meeting very soon for your own sanity and to start a new sober life!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: manchester
Posts: 523
I think i can relate a bit. my brother died unexspected a few monthes ago
we were very close all ower lives . i hit the bottel big time i was soo soo soo upset i tryed to jump out the car on the way home from pub after the funaral
ive been sober about 19 days now'
and am coping with it a lot lot better .drinking just seems to bring all the greef
back .witch i coudent handel.
we were very close all ower lives . i hit the bottel big time i was soo soo soo upset i tryed to jump out the car on the way home from pub after the funaral
ive been sober about 19 days now'
and am coping with it a lot lot better .drinking just seems to bring all the greef
back .witch i coudent handel.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi and Welcome,
I think it's the fear of what we will have to deal with in sobriety, that keeps so many of us from stopping drinking. It sure did with me. But, the thing is, you will be able to deal with it, and you will begin to heal. As long as alcohol is in the loop, things will get worse, not better.
I'm glad you found us.
I think it's the fear of what we will have to deal with in sobriety, that keeps so many of us from stopping drinking. It sure did with me. But, the thing is, you will be able to deal with it, and you will begin to heal. As long as alcohol is in the loop, things will get worse, not better.
I'm glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Red, welcome to SR. So sorry for your loss, as you can see though drinking only brings you more grief and problems. I lost my mom 5 months into sobriety and everyone expected me to turn back to alcohol but it did the opposite; I had not been a good daughter (i was a drunken daughter) during mom's life so I chose to honor my mom by maintaining my sobriety after she was gone. I know she is up in heaven smiling at me and she is proud of me.
Take whatever help is offered you, do it to honor your dad, for yourself and for your son.
Take whatever help is offered you, do it to honor your dad, for yourself and for your son.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
sorry to hear of your loss my friend.....im glad you here and welcome to sr.
cubiles right imo.......as human beings there are a series of stages we go through while greif stricken........not always in order.....but normally ending in acceptance........a slow process for some.
As drinkers we learnt quickly that we could change our perception/feelings by "rounding off the edges"..........so we dont see reality or feel reality with any force.
coming to terms with lost loved ones is tough........and it will be tough.
but at least your see and feel it for what it is..........not the rounded off version..
keep us posted on how your doing....
cubiles right imo.......as human beings there are a series of stages we go through while greif stricken........not always in order.....but normally ending in acceptance........a slow process for some.
As drinkers we learnt quickly that we could change our perception/feelings by "rounding off the edges"..........so we dont see reality or feel reality with any force.
coming to terms with lost loved ones is tough........and it will be tough.
but at least your see and feel it for what it is..........not the rounded off version..
keep us posted on how your doing....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Thanks for Sharing your story, I really feel for you and am very glad that you are reaching out to us here and moving forward with your doctors advice. I have struggled with depression and loss for a very long time, getting clean is a major step towards working through the pain and loss. You are giving yourself and your son a wonderful gift buy doing what you are doing and taking back control from the bottle. I am wishing you all the best of success and hope that you feel better soon! Today is a new day we have to make a positive change! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, it has really helped me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I'm sorry for your loss.
There's been a lot of great advice here - I agree that alcohol is the great 'putter-offerer' of emotions and difficult, tragic situations...the healing really starts when we stop self medicating.
Welcome to SR
D
There's been a lot of great advice here - I agree that alcohol is the great 'putter-offerer' of emotions and difficult, tragic situations...the healing really starts when we stop self medicating.
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 4
Wow! I never expected such an outpouring of support! Thank you all! 
I honestly had no idea how many people had felt the way I do and it is very comforting to hear that plus it adds meaning and value to the advice.
I am still scared but looking forward to next week...My evaluation is scheduled for Tues and I cannot wait to start dealing with all of this.
A close friend told me something yesterday that I wanted to share with you....
There is nothing wrong with me per se; I just haven't been given the right tools for the job I am faced with. A screwdriver (pun intended) doesn't fix everything.
I thought that was a cool way of looking at this and it is helping me look forward to the journey ahead. Hey, I am not going to the mental hospital, I am just picking up some tools. LOL-it sounds sooo much better!
Thank you all again...I truly am looking forward to the weeks to come with y'all and local therapy
PS Is this the right place to post a thankyou when folks respond to your original post? I have never spent any time on forums so I don't really know how this works.
I honestly had no idea how many people had felt the way I do and it is very comforting to hear that plus it adds meaning and value to the advice.I am still scared but looking forward to next week...My evaluation is scheduled for Tues and I cannot wait to start dealing with all of this.
A close friend told me something yesterday that I wanted to share with you....
There is nothing wrong with me per se; I just haven't been given the right tools for the job I am faced with. A screwdriver (pun intended) doesn't fix everything.
I thought that was a cool way of looking at this and it is helping me look forward to the journey ahead. Hey, I am not going to the mental hospital, I am just picking up some tools. LOL-it sounds sooo much better!
Thank you all again...I truly am looking forward to the weeks to come with y'all and local therapy
PS Is this the right place to post a thankyou when folks respond to your original post? I have never spent any time on forums so I don't really know how this works.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi,
Yes you can post thank yous with comments in a new post or you can individually click on the "thanks" icon at the bottom right hand corner and it will just show your username as saying thanks for that individual post.
Good luck.
Yes you can post thank yous with comments in a new post or you can individually click on the "thanks" icon at the bottom right hand corner and it will just show your username as saying thanks for that individual post.
Good luck.
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