nodaybut2day

SR family...I have slowly come to the conclusion that controlling my XAH is foolish and pointless. I'm ok with that. I actually feel liberated by it. I'm glad to be free of the responsibility I put on myself for years.

So, no controlling him.

And yet, in this instance, I NEED TO control him, or at the very least influence him, and knowing what I do, I can't see how that's going to happen.

I'm referring of course to the issue of custody with our 1 year old daughter. Things are coming to a head in medation between XAH and I. We only have 3 more free sessions to sort out 3 things: custody/visitation, child support, dividing up "family assets". My new lawyer has advised me to go into the next session with a proposed custody agreement already drawn up, and then discuss it with XAH and the mediator.

The problem is things are going well right now, and if I bring up this issue in mediation, things may become confrontational again, in a very big way. Right now, XAH asks to see DD once weekdays and once on the week-end. He *seems* to be sticking to his promise to control his temper, and though he tries to weasel out of it, he does go pick DD up at daycare. He has however forgotten or cancelled a few visits, and he's quick to try to move his visitation with DD to suit himself, and then last night, I noticed open cans of beer in his fridge and a beer glass sitting full in the fridge. This got me really frazzled because he SAID he wouldn't drink in her presence or have alcohol in the apartment during her visits. This is what he volunteered. I never cohersed that statement, but I was glad to accept it, however skeptical I was he could do it. And now it seems he cannot...

So I know I NEED to have a finalized custody agreement in place to protect myself and DD. I know that eventually, XAH will lose interest and only be the fun week-end dad--or maybe less than this, especially after he finds himself another partner and gets her pregnant (this has been his pattern...I am wife #4 and DD is child #4. XAH has already mentioned a new girlfriend to me.)

I don't care one bit for child support; anyhow XAH is unreliable and would be unable to pay....so it's not the issue. The issue is, I'm afraid to talk to him about granting me custody and him taking access rights; he's manipulated me in the past and I have trouble standing up to him. Also, he's unable to be honest about the fact that he doesn't have the time, energy or money to have DD 50/50, but he'll go after it out of pride.

So I find myself in an unpleasant situation of NEEDING to CONTROL him or convince him that shared custody, 50/50 is not a good thing, especially for a child like DD who thrives on routines and set schedules. I have found some research to back up my opinions but knowing XAH, I could pull the original Bible out of my butt and he wouldn't lend it credence. He's very

Please tell me this isn't a case of "let go and let god"! I am finding it *very* difficult to just let it to HP to care for my daughter, especially when her father has a proven track record of instability, addiction and anger management issues.

Any comments would be appreciated.

hello-kitty

You may need to control him or wish you could control him but maybe it would be better to accept that you CAN NOT control him. And then base all your plans on that premise.

He is a lose canon. You can't control him. I'm thinking that if you could, you wouldn't be in this situation.

I think you should do what your lawyer advises you. You don't seem to have many other options at this point. That's kind of what we pay lawyers for.

Good luck. I'm pulling for you that everything works out in your best interest and the best interest of your child. Sometimes we just got to have faith even if things don't seem to be going the way we want them too.

Cowgirl1265

Noday, its not HIM you need to convince. Its a judge. I am a mom and I understand how deep the need to protect your child is, and I understand full well how important this is to you.

The first step to getting through this is really the First Step. Step One. Acknowledge that you have no power over other people.

And so on from there, to Step two and three. Make a conscious decision to surrender this situation to your HP.

Does that mean you shouldn't do your due diligence of gathering information and doing everythingyou can to protect your child? Of course not. If it were me, the next time I dropped off the child I would take a camera and if there were any evidence of alcohol, I would take a picture to present. I would document every single time he cancelled or changed his visitation. And while there may be no evidence on the record that he is an alcoholic, there is no reason you cannot voice this as a concern. The simple fact that he agreed not to drink around her is evidence that even HE acknowledges it as a problem.

Do everything that you can, but at the same time recognize for your own sanity that you're not going to be able to control him, or the situation. Breathe and pray, breathe and pray. There are going to be feelings of fear and panic, I can read them in between the words in your post. They are feelings you need to experience and get through until they pass, and they won't kill you I promise.

************{hugs}}}}}}

Chrysalis123

My lawyer explained to me that a divorce is the dissolution of a "business". In my state feelings are not considered when making certain decisions in a divorce such as child support. There is a formula on the computer. If the child support deviates from what the formula spits out the judge will question why and there must be a good reason.

I agree with Anvil, ask for what you want and let the mediators and lawyers do what they are hired to do.

I am going to play devil's advocate. Take what you want and leave the rest. What will you say to your child years from now when he/she asks why Dad doesn't pay child support?

Years from now when the kid wonders and asks his/her father
why he does not pay support,he could say, "Well, I did not think your mother wanted me to."

It's OK to stand up for yourself and your kid and ask for what you need.

nodaybut2day

Thank you for your words of wisdom anvilhead, Chrysalis, cowgirl and hello-kitty. You each had very good points for me to think about.

I guess I am still doing the dance of anger and resentment with XAH; In a sense, I'm tyring to keep from rocking the boat, even though I want to be divorced from this person and even though I want something I know will cause chaos. I keep trying to figure out how to "buy" him out, to find the right kind of leverage to get him to give up, simply because I know he won't give me what I want: custody. He'll fight me tooth and nail because he truly believes that HE is the best father around, and that DD *needs* him in her life. In a sense, I'm saying the same thing...so maybe I'm being presumptuous. Am I? I mean, I don't think I am...

Don't get me wrong, I *want* a break, and I *want* to share parental responsibilities. Heck, when I got pregnant, I didn't want to be a single-mother. I was hoping to do the parenting thing as a partnership! But I just don't trust XAH to put DD's needs before his own. He never did when we were together.

I guess this is HP's way of forcing me to face my fear of confronting XAH. I'm thinking many deep breaths are in order....

GiveLove

Someone once explained constructive confrontation to me this way:

You find out from a doctor that you have to have surgery in order to save you from something that, if left unchecked, may end your life (or in your case, your daughter's life)

It's going to be painful. It's going to be stressful. It's going to mess you up for a few days or weeks.

And then it will heal, and your life will get much, much better.

noday, you may not be able to control your stbxah's actions, but you and a judge CAN dictate what is and isn't going to happen to your daughter. It'll be hard for a little while, and then it will be over, and she will be safe.

This is worth it.

If you want custody, partial custody, supervised visitation, whatever it is, then ask for it. If you want to be able to terminate visitation if/when you find alcohol in his apartment, then write that in. Protect yourself, and protect her, with defensive clauses like this.

And I agree with Anvilhead: It doesn't matter if he can't afford it, won't pay it, or whatever. Paying support for the child that you helped bring into the world is simple human decency, and just having a court order in place may give you a bit of leverage when & where you need it the most.

And I do believe in leverage

coffeedrinker

keep as much distance between the two of you as possible.

when i filed for divorce, my husband asked if we couldn't just save a lot of expense and do it ourselves. i paid $5000 to someone SO THAT i would not have to deal with him directly. i sorted things out through the lawyer, and she communicated with his. i simply told him that this was very emotional, i needed distance to think clearly, and that i wanted to use an expert i could trust to advocate for me in the best way possible. he accepted it but didn't understand it, but that did not matter to me.

not communicating with him, unless necessary and succinct, is more manageable.

nodaybut2day

Bucyn...I know you are right, it is just harder to accept letting go for my little girl, than to accept letting go for myself. She still feels like she's a part of me, just a more innocent and helpless part of me, so I get very aggressive when I think of anything that could hurt her.

Ugh. God grant me patience. I'm going to need it.

transformyself

Hey Girl
If I remember correctly, didn't you go into mediation a few months back with outragious anxiety? I'd say this is progress, not perfection.

It looks like you're on the verge of stopping the dance, of reaching a point where you're not afraid of his anger and can stop trying to get your way without upsetting him. For me, I had to hit bottom before I learned to stand my ground, stop fighting with him and just state my boundary firmly, then his tantrums didn't effect me.

This is really about boundaries, which are null in a codie's life.

I'd say you've got a fabulous opportunity here. You can do it. it sounds like you have a great case, one a judge won't think twice about granting you whatever you want. But what do you want? To placate this drunk abusive jerk? Really?

Maybe some anger about the situation would help. Finally getting angry enough to let go and leave my AH was what saved me, in part. I also had to make it my choice, not his.
I don't know how old you are, but I remember an old tv commercial for Wittnauer watches. This thin blond woman sat before a jewelers counter while the old guy pitched one watch after another to her. She just said repeatedly, "I want a Wittnauer." after ever one he showed her.

Just because you are afraid of confrontation doesnt' mean you can't do it. He's drinking and you haven't done what you said he would if he did. You're teaching him how to treat you (and you daughter) and believe me, if you stay calm and just state what you want and why and don't budge or get drawn into any other conversation---NO other conversation at all--you will be safe and feel like a superhero.

I want full custody because you: won't stop drinking, cancel visits and don't adhere to the rules we've set up in this interrum. If you don't accept this, we can let a judge decide.

Period. No matter what he says, do not respond and only say that one thing.

I bet you can do this. I bet you can..