to admit anger or not...
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to admit anger or not...
It is so weird how, although I am here every day and reading recovery literature and journaling and doing the Steps and going to therapy...I still have a fantasy thinking piece of me...
So, I was out doing yoga last night and came home, got in bed with AH watching t.v. on netflix and he burped a beer burp (you know the one).
I am usually slow to register my feelings, but after a bit I started to realize I was enraged. So, so mad at the sneaky deception of it even after...blah blah blah. While at the same time realizing my anger is from my attachment to the fantasy that he isn't REALLY a lying, hiding alcoholic (which is MY problem, not his).
But what to do in the moment?
One voice in my head says, "Nothing you will say makes any difference and means you are meddling, so leave him alone. If you push him about it, you are just setting him up to lie more and push it further underground. Part of your recovery is letting go and allowing the truth to be the truth - he drinks and lies and its none of your business. Breathe and leave it be."
And another voice says, "Enabling is protecting him from the consequences of his behavior, and isn't a consequence your anger? You have always left him alone with his drinking. When you confronted him, you saw a new, awful side of him that you hadn't seen. That helped you move along in the letting go process. If part of your recovery is voicing the stuff you have been in denial about, especially since you tend to shut yourself down for fear of his reaction, shouldn't you tell him you're pissed? Besides, you don't want to suppress your anger."
I didn't say anything, but I must be super see through because he started fussing that I seemed angry. I said I was tired and closed my eyes (still SEETHING). He got extra mushy/affectionate, brushing the hair off my face, etc., which just made me more mad (assuming it was alcoholic guilt making him affectionate - YUCK!). I just ignored him with my eyes closed till he went to sleep.
I recognize I have to deal with my feelings of anger, which are normal. I need to work on that.
My question is, which voice is encouraging the healthy choice?
So, I was out doing yoga last night and came home, got in bed with AH watching t.v. on netflix and he burped a beer burp (you know the one).
I am usually slow to register my feelings, but after a bit I started to realize I was enraged. So, so mad at the sneaky deception of it even after...blah blah blah. While at the same time realizing my anger is from my attachment to the fantasy that he isn't REALLY a lying, hiding alcoholic (which is MY problem, not his).
But what to do in the moment?
One voice in my head says, "Nothing you will say makes any difference and means you are meddling, so leave him alone. If you push him about it, you are just setting him up to lie more and push it further underground. Part of your recovery is letting go and allowing the truth to be the truth - he drinks and lies and its none of your business. Breathe and leave it be."
And another voice says, "Enabling is protecting him from the consequences of his behavior, and isn't a consequence your anger? You have always left him alone with his drinking. When you confronted him, you saw a new, awful side of him that you hadn't seen. That helped you move along in the letting go process. If part of your recovery is voicing the stuff you have been in denial about, especially since you tend to shut yourself down for fear of his reaction, shouldn't you tell him you're pissed? Besides, you don't want to suppress your anger."
I didn't say anything, but I must be super see through because he started fussing that I seemed angry. I said I was tired and closed my eyes (still SEETHING). He got extra mushy/affectionate, brushing the hair off my face, etc., which just made me more mad (assuming it was alcoholic guilt making him affectionate - YUCK!). I just ignored him with my eyes closed till he went to sleep.
I recognize I have to deal with my feelings of anger, which are normal. I need to work on that.
My question is, which voice is encouraging the healthy choice?
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To me, anger is a signal that something needs to change. It's a little (or big) push that my psyche gives me when something isn't right.
Whether you express that anger to him or not is really not the issue. Your anger is telling you something is wrong, something needs to change. Knowing the only person you can change is you, what is your anger telling you? Maybe you need to sleep in another room if you smell 'that smell?'
SEETHING and ignoring doesn't sound like a pleasant way to spend the evening to me.
L
Whether you express that anger to him or not is really not the issue. Your anger is telling you something is wrong, something needs to change. Knowing the only person you can change is you, what is your anger telling you? Maybe you need to sleep in another room if you smell 'that smell?'
SEETHING and ignoring doesn't sound like a pleasant way to spend the evening to me.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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My question is, which voice is encouraging the healthy choice?
This one...
One voice in my head says, "Nothing you will say makes any difference and means you are meddling, so leave him alone. If you push him about it, you are just setting him up to lie more and push it further underground. Part of your recovery is letting go and allowing the truth to be the truth - he drinks and lies and its none of your business. Breathe and leave it be."
Of course, you still need to decide if this is the life you want to live.
This one...
One voice in my head says, "Nothing you will say makes any difference and means you are meddling, so leave him alone. If you push him about it, you are just setting him up to lie more and push it further underground. Part of your recovery is letting go and allowing the truth to be the truth - he drinks and lies and its none of your business. Breathe and leave it be."
Of course, you still need to decide if this is the life you want to live.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hey Alice,
Mine's not a drinker, but a miserable dry drunk.
I read your post and something struck me. I seems to me you reacted to BOTH voices and appropriately! Good for you - You didn't blow up and fly in a rage, and you didn't pretend to be "fine" either. It seems his affection during this time stemmed from his feeling insecure, and rightfully so. He should absolutely feel insecure about his future with you. Not unloved or not cared about, just insecure. ;-)
Mine's not a drinker, but a miserable dry drunk.
I read your post and something struck me. I seems to me you reacted to BOTH voices and appropriately! Good for you - You didn't blow up and fly in a rage, and you didn't pretend to be "fine" either. It seems his affection during this time stemmed from his feeling insecure, and rightfully so. He should absolutely feel insecure about his future with you. Not unloved or not cared about, just insecure. ;-)
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I guess I don't know how to be present to the anger yet. I was tired and wanted to sleep, although I was so mad I couldn't...but I was too tired to get up and go drive around and scream...
I suppose I could have (if I could have
) sat with the feelings and observed them (rather than sit in them with no observer...).
It wasn't the smell that I needed to remove myself from.
I was mad about him sneaking around and hiding.
What is it telling me? I don't want to be with someone that sneaks/hides/self abuses.
I am actually starting to do some shadow work and sneaking/hiding/lying is DEFINITELY on my shadow list, so I can work with it internally.
I suppose I could have (if I could have
) sat with the feelings and observed them (rather than sit in them with no observer...).It wasn't the smell that I needed to remove myself from.
I was mad about him sneaking around and hiding.
What is it telling me? I don't want to be with someone that sneaks/hides/self abuses.
I am actually starting to do some shadow work and sneaking/hiding/lying is DEFINITELY on my shadow list, so I can work with it internally.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I think this is a hard one and something I have been working on...being responsive and not being a doormat. Most of the time I sit with my feelings for a while. If it's bothering me after I sit for a while, I discuss it with the person I'm upset with, not because I expect it will change them, but because I need to let them know what boundaries are and what I will and won't accept. I then try really hard to follow through with that. It's part of being a codie for me and I'm pretty sure something I will continually have to work on. Hugs!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker 
It is so weird how, although I am here every day and reading recovery literature and journaling and doing the Steps and going to therapy...I still have a fantasy thinking piece of me...
So, I was out doing yoga last night and came home, got in bed with AH watching t.v. on netflix and he burped a beer burp (you know the one).
I am usually slow to register my feelings, but after a bit I started to realize I was enraged. So, so mad at the sneaky deception of it even after...blah blah blah. While at the same time realizing my anger is from my attachment to the fantasy that he isn't REALLY a lying, hiding alcoholic (which is MY problem, not his).
But what to do in the moment?
One voice in my head says, "Nothing you will say makes any difference and means you are meddling, so leave him alone. If you push him about it, you are just setting him up to lie more and push it further underground. Part of your recovery is letting go and allowing the truth to be the truth - he drinks and lies and its none of your business. Breathe and leave it be."
And another voice says, "Enabling is protecting him from the consequences of his behavior, and isn't a consequence your anger? You have always left him alone with his drinking. When you confronted him, you saw a new, awful side of him that you hadn't seen. That helped you move along in the letting go process. If part of your recovery is voicing the stuff you have been in denial about, especially since you tend to shut yourself down for fear of his reaction, shouldn't you tell him you're pissed? Besides, you don't want to suppress your anger."
I didn't say anything, but I must be super see through because he started fussing that I seemed angry. I said I was tired and closed my eyes (still SEETHING). He got extra mushy/affectionate, brushing the hair off my face, etc., which just made me more mad (assuming it was alcoholic guilt making him affectionate - YUCK!). I just ignored him with my eyes closed till he went to sleep.
I recognize I have to deal with my feelings of anger, which are normal. I need to work on that.
My question is, which voice is encouraging the healthy choice?
So, I was out doing yoga last night and came home, got in bed with AH watching t.v. on netflix and he burped a beer burp (you know the one).
I am usually slow to register my feelings, but after a bit I started to realize I was enraged. So, so mad at the sneaky deception of it even after...blah blah blah. While at the same time realizing my anger is from my attachment to the fantasy that he isn't REALLY a lying, hiding alcoholic (which is MY problem, not his).
But what to do in the moment?
One voice in my head says, "Nothing you will say makes any difference and means you are meddling, so leave him alone. If you push him about it, you are just setting him up to lie more and push it further underground. Part of your recovery is letting go and allowing the truth to be the truth - he drinks and lies and its none of your business. Breathe and leave it be."
And another voice says, "Enabling is protecting him from the consequences of his behavior, and isn't a consequence your anger? You have always left him alone with his drinking. When you confronted him, you saw a new, awful side of him that you hadn't seen. That helped you move along in the letting go process. If part of your recovery is voicing the stuff you have been in denial about, especially since you tend to shut yourself down for fear of his reaction, shouldn't you tell him you're pissed? Besides, you don't want to suppress your anger."
I didn't say anything, but I must be super see through because he started fussing that I seemed angry. I said I was tired and closed my eyes (still SEETHING). He got extra mushy/affectionate, brushing the hair off my face, etc., which just made me more mad (assuming it was alcoholic guilt making him affectionate - YUCK!). I just ignored him with my eyes closed till he went to sleep.
I recognize I have to deal with my feelings of anger, which are normal. I need to work on that.
My question is, which voice is encouraging the healthy choice?
I seethe sometimes.
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I could have written your post wifeofadrinker. I am still at the point of rolling over saying nothing
2 days ago i put fresh sheets on the bed. One of my favourite things if getting into bed with crisp clean sheets. AP had been on a session that night. When he finally turned of his noisy DVD and crawled to bed drunk I was able to remove my earplugs and come out from the other end of the house and go to bed. I walked into the room and almost gagged at the stench of beer in the fresh room. I still went to bed, seething, tossing and turning for hours while he snored oblivious and slept great! I haven't spoken to him since and he is tiptoeing around.
My point is .... my anger stems from violated boundaries. Now 2 days later it almost seems silly to have an argument over it but the damage is done. my respect for him has eroded just another layer away.
I suspect the "healthy" appropriate choice is to calmy loving have an adult conversation the next day with him sober and state when you do X(come to bed drunk smelling of beer)I feel Y (angry) because Z (the clean bed I was looking foward to smells). At 46, I am not that grown up yet. And it is so exhausting having those little conversations everytime a boudary is violated because they are violated lots.
And right now it is easier to stay angry than have the hard conversations with AP
2 days ago i put fresh sheets on the bed. One of my favourite things if getting into bed with crisp clean sheets. AP had been on a session that night. When he finally turned of his noisy DVD and crawled to bed drunk I was able to remove my earplugs and come out from the other end of the house and go to bed. I walked into the room and almost gagged at the stench of beer in the fresh room. I still went to bed, seething, tossing and turning for hours while he snored oblivious and slept great! I haven't spoken to him since and he is tiptoeing around.
My point is .... my anger stems from violated boundaries. Now 2 days later it almost seems silly to have an argument over it but the damage is done. my respect for him has eroded just another layer away.
I suspect the "healthy" appropriate choice is to calmy loving have an adult conversation the next day with him sober and state when you do X(come to bed drunk smelling of beer)I feel Y (angry) because Z (the clean bed I was looking foward to smells). At 46, I am not that grown up yet. And it is so exhausting having those little conversations everytime a boudary is violated because they are violated lots.
And right now it is easier to stay angry than have the hard conversations with AP
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Originally Posted by Gold
I could have written your post wifeofadrinker. I am still at the point of rolling over saying nothing
2 days ago i put fresh sheets on the bed. One of my favourite things if getting into bed with crisp clean sheets. AP had been on a session that night. When he finally turned of his noisy DVD and crawled to bed drunk I was able to remove my earplugs and come out from the other end of the house and go to bed. I walked into the room and almost gagged at the stench of beer in the fresh room. I still went to bed, seething, tossing and turning for hours while he snored oblivious and slept great! I haven't spoken to him since and he is tiptoeing around.
My point is .... my anger stems from violated boundaries. Now 2 days later it almost seems silly to have an argument over it but the damage is done. my respect for him has eroded just another layer away.
I suspect the "healthy" appropriate choice is to calmy loving have an adult conversation the next day with him sober and state when you do X(come to bed drunk smelling of beer)I feel Y (angry) because Z (the clean bed I was looking foward to smells). At 46, I am not that grown up yet. And it is so exhausting having those little conversations everytime a boudary is violated because they are violated lots.
And right now it is easier to stay angry than have the hard conversations with AP
2 days ago i put fresh sheets on the bed. One of my favourite things if getting into bed with crisp clean sheets. AP had been on a session that night. When he finally turned of his noisy DVD and crawled to bed drunk I was able to remove my earplugs and come out from the other end of the house and go to bed. I walked into the room and almost gagged at the stench of beer in the fresh room. I still went to bed, seething, tossing and turning for hours while he snored oblivious and slept great! I haven't spoken to him since and he is tiptoeing around.
My point is .... my anger stems from violated boundaries. Now 2 days later it almost seems silly to have an argument over it but the damage is done. my respect for him has eroded just another layer away.
I suspect the "healthy" appropriate choice is to calmy loving have an adult conversation the next day with him sober and state when you do X(come to bed drunk smelling of beer)I feel Y (angry) because Z (the clean bed I was looking foward to smells). At 46, I am not that grown up yet. And it is so exhausting having those little conversations everytime a boudary is violated because they are violated lots.
And right now it is easier to stay angry than have the hard conversations with AP
I don't want to be with a partner that sneaks around drinking alcohol in secret. That IS how I feel. That is why I am mad.
I feel like I am in stillness in my cocoon. You can call it gathering evidence. You can call it getting ready. I am developing acceptance with what IS SO. I am working on feeling my feelings more. Listening more (with your help and others, LaTeeDa!) to what I want. To giving myself permission to have what I want in my life. To allowing myself to say, "No. I will not accept this."
Meanwhile I am embracing my own lying, deceit, sneakiness, shame, false fronts, etc. I am human, too.
I love you folks.
W
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thanks anvilhead.
great point. It is time to start carrying out consequences of violated boundaries.
Ny next important task is to define the boundaries (which is easy because my anger is a very perceptive receptor)
Then to work out what I want to implement as the consequences.
Taking a big breath here.
Thank you so much
great point. It is time to start carrying out consequences of violated boundaries.
Ny next important task is to define the boundaries (which is easy because my anger is a very perceptive receptor)
Then to work out what I want to implement as the consequences.
Taking a big breath here.
Thank you so much
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hi wife-
i'd vote with anvilhead and set up your own space in the house. that way, if he beer burps and it rubs you the wrong way, you can go into your own room! and sleep without a drunk liar next to you.
i did. and it was critical to my sanity....
naive
i'd vote with anvilhead and set up your own space in the house. that way, if he beer burps and it rubs you the wrong way, you can go into your own room! and sleep without a drunk liar next to you.
i did. and it was critical to my sanity....
naive
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Originally Posted by naive
hi wife-
i'd vote with anvilhead and set up your own space in the house. that way, if he beer burps and it rubs you the wrong way, you can go into your own room! and sleep without a drunk liar next to you.
i did. and it was critical to my sanity....
naive
i'd vote with anvilhead and set up your own space in the house. that way, if he beer burps and it rubs you the wrong way, you can go into your own room! and sleep without a drunk liar next to you.
i did. and it was critical to my sanity....
naive
Its not his proximity.
It's that he would not be real.
Its the depth of my past denial and acceptance.
The depth of my self-abandonment.
Its the depth of his choice.
Its the depth of his pain.
Its the choice I have to make to stand for myself.
I can't solve that by a different room. Its going to take a different life.
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Wife, I totally understand where you are coming from. The decision between anger and supression is a hard one. I used to be so filled with rage at every single lie! It was exhausting. I do not like to be lied to and I felt like it was my DUTY to tell him that I KNEW he was LYING and I didn't appreciate it! It always escalated into a huge fight. Now I don't tell him I know he's lying, we don't really fight about it anymore and it's a lot more peaceful at my house.
Yet, I don't feel any better. I bet AH does though. What a drag.
Yet, I don't feel any better. I bet AH does though. What a drag.
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I think I was greatly disturbed by the hiding et al. too,until I realized what the problem was - A - and then I knew it was part of his problem that he had to deal with - and my part was deciding how I was going to respond to the problem.
Anger is an emotion that tells us something is wrong - so ask yourself what is wrong and then figure out to make things right for yourself. That can occur any number of ways.
Anger is an emotion that tells us something is wrong - so ask yourself what is wrong and then figure out to make things right for yourself. That can occur any number of ways.
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i have the same question about admitting the anger or not, but i am quite easy to read and he knows when I'm angry. I do try to repress it so as not to cause big arguments though, which probably isn't healthy. I'm beginning to get to the point where creating boundaries, enforcing consequences and tiptoeing around my emotions all the time just seems like too much effort just to be with him. It really shouldn't be this hard. I've had a great relationship in the past with a nonalcoholic and it never needed to have all this boundary setting - we just respected each other and got on with things. I want that. I don't want to live like this anymore.
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Mine did not lie. He is alarmingly open about his disease, and uses the word disease to justify. He is not in control, he says.
My point is that his being honest about how much beer he needs to function or get to sleep does not change anything.
If it REALLY is the dishonesty that is at the top of your list, then make it really clear to him that he does NOT have to lie anymore.
Once that is clear, and he is openly drunk to whatever degree he "needs" to be, then I think you will need to re assess your list.
Because, for me, the open honesty did not change the fact that he is a lousy drunk, who is several different personalities on any given day depending on the level of consumption he is at.
My point is that his being honest about how much beer he needs to function or get to sleep does not change anything.
If it REALLY is the dishonesty that is at the top of your list, then make it really clear to him that he does NOT have to lie anymore.
Once that is clear, and he is openly drunk to whatever degree he "needs" to be, then I think you will need to re assess your list.
Because, for me, the open honesty did not change the fact that he is a lousy drunk, who is several different personalities on any given day depending on the level of consumption he is at.
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i must admit i am confused about why you wouldn't want to establish your own room in the house. i'm also confused why you would want to sleep next to him, after he drank and lied to you, yet once again.
wouldn't it be liberating to say, "hey man, i'm sick of the lies and the booze" and go into your own room and sleep in your own bed?
what kind of message do you send him when you continue with well-worded communication but your actions say something else?
after all of your recent communication to him, he still KNOWS he can come into the bed with hot chocolate laced with alcohol, or let out a beer burp snuggled next to you.
then, you act angry, he asks about it and you say you're tired?
how about "yeah, i'm tired! i'm tired of your drinking!" and go sleep in your own room!
wouldn't it be liberating to say, "hey man, i'm sick of the lies and the booze" and go into your own room and sleep in your own bed?
what kind of message do you send him when you continue with well-worded communication but your actions say something else?
after all of your recent communication to him, he still KNOWS he can come into the bed with hot chocolate laced with alcohol, or let out a beer burp snuggled next to you.
then, you act angry, he asks about it and you say you're tired?
how about "yeah, i'm tired! i'm tired of your drinking!" and go sleep in your own room!
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I completely agree...and I am an alcoholic.
He is going to drink, wether he hides it or not. Removing the dishonesty of hiding it also provides an opportunity for you to come out of hiding with your feelings, your anger.
Simply...maybe a statement of I know you are drinking, no need to hide it, be honest about it...and you can be honest with the statement that you don't like him drinking.
Then, it is in the open...his choice, and then your choice on a boundary and your reaction.
He is going to drink, wether he hides it or not. Removing the dishonesty of hiding it also provides an opportunity for you to come out of hiding with your feelings, your anger.
Simply...maybe a statement of I know you are drinking, no need to hide it, be honest about it...and you can be honest with the statement that you don't like him drinking.
Then, it is in the open...his choice, and then your choice on a boundary and your reaction.
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Good stuff. So much good stuff.
naive - I guess I don't want my own room because what the hell am I getting my own room for in my own house? If I have to do that, I need to GET OUT and I haven't been ready to do that. It makes me mad to have to sleep in another bed! He should sleep in another bed! Screw that! But I don't feel right telling someone to sleep in another bed when its his bed, too...I'm confused about this...which says there is more there to uncover...
Buffalo66 - I think you're right. The honesty piece is huge and I can see more clearly with that that I can set a boundary I feel good about.
I feel uncomfortable with him drinking because I FEAR he's an alcoholic, but I don't KNOW. And I feel its not my business. I haven't seen him drunk in years, and I don't know if he is one way drunk and another way sober, so I can't say I don't like him drunk. So I feel weird about not wanting him to drink. If he wasn't a hider/sneaker, I probably would never have had a problem at all. And I like a drink, maybe 4x a year, and would like to travel to Italy, lets say, and taste wine there...so I am not theoretically opposed to being partnered with a drinker. My concern was it seemed he was drinking 'too much', but that's not my business, is it? I don't want HIM to drink TOO MUCH (haha! The control of others!!!) and that is clearly unreasonable. Its all muddled up with the hiding and defensiveness, and the whole thing is upsetting, and again confusing, which says there is more to be uncovered in my heart...
He did say (last night) that he thought it was stupid to not drink in your own home and that he took back his promise to not drink. And that is somewhat reliving, strangely enough, although I don't think he will stop being sneaky.
Back to the bed things...As I look deeper, I don't want to sleep somewhere else because when my AH is threatened, he sleeps on the spare bed or tucks the blankets around him so I won't touch him and it seems SO silly to me.
Don't we, as mature adults, need to be able to feel feelings (sad, mad, hurt) and still be present to our love of our partners? Isn't running away NOT the thing to do? I feel like I should be (watch out! a 'should'!) grounded enough to able to be in the bed (not necessarily snuggling) and feel feelings. (Is that way off?)
But not acknowledging my feeling is B.S. You're right.
Bucyn - really good advice to be real with the feelings and allow him to ASK why if he chooses. I SO was passive aggressive! (damn!) I remember my mom saying numerous times, "There's no reason to throw up on someone." I think she meant don't get out of control with your upest, but I think I took it to mean my anger is just throw up, so I stuffed/denied it growing up. I have a lot of learning to do with HOW to be with feelings and how to express them.
You have a TON of great things to say. Thanks for all your kind/tough love words.
anvil - "this is the make or break point, that last tough bend in the road as we work towards establishing and CARRYING OUT healthy boundaries." That's it. Every day I get clearer this is not okay, that he isn't going to change, that I am not respecting myself by being here..but I am so resistant to TAKING ACTION! (enter whiny, child's voice) "It's haaaarrrrddd! I don't waaaannnnttt toooo!"
I am stuck there right now. Hoping with more time to see and build self respect I can move forward. I don't know how to muster it.
Did I mention how much I love you all??!?
naive - I guess I don't want my own room because what the hell am I getting my own room for in my own house? If I have to do that, I need to GET OUT and I haven't been ready to do that. It makes me mad to have to sleep in another bed! He should sleep in another bed! Screw that! But I don't feel right telling someone to sleep in another bed when its his bed, too...I'm confused about this...which says there is more there to uncover...
Buffalo66 - I think you're right. The honesty piece is huge and I can see more clearly with that that I can set a boundary I feel good about.
I feel uncomfortable with him drinking because I FEAR he's an alcoholic, but I don't KNOW. And I feel its not my business. I haven't seen him drunk in years, and I don't know if he is one way drunk and another way sober, so I can't say I don't like him drunk. So I feel weird about not wanting him to drink. If he wasn't a hider/sneaker, I probably would never have had a problem at all. And I like a drink, maybe 4x a year, and would like to travel to Italy, lets say, and taste wine there...so I am not theoretically opposed to being partnered with a drinker. My concern was it seemed he was drinking 'too much', but that's not my business, is it? I don't want HIM to drink TOO MUCH (haha! The control of others!!!) and that is clearly unreasonable. Its all muddled up with the hiding and defensiveness, and the whole thing is upsetting, and again confusing, which says there is more to be uncovered in my heart...
He did say (last night) that he thought it was stupid to not drink in your own home and that he took back his promise to not drink. And that is somewhat reliving, strangely enough, although I don't think he will stop being sneaky.
Back to the bed things...As I look deeper, I don't want to sleep somewhere else because when my AH is threatened, he sleeps on the spare bed or tucks the blankets around him so I won't touch him and it seems SO silly to me.
Don't we, as mature adults, need to be able to feel feelings (sad, mad, hurt) and still be present to our love of our partners? Isn't running away NOT the thing to do? I feel like I should be (watch out! a 'should'!) grounded enough to able to be in the bed (not necessarily snuggling) and feel feelings. (Is that way off?)
But not acknowledging my feeling is B.S. You're right.
Bucyn - really good advice to be real with the feelings and allow him to ASK why if he chooses. I SO was passive aggressive! (damn!) I remember my mom saying numerous times, "There's no reason to throw up on someone." I think she meant don't get out of control with your upest, but I think I took it to mean my anger is just throw up, so I stuffed/denied it growing up. I have a lot of learning to do with HOW to be with feelings and how to express them.
You have a TON of great things to say. Thanks for all your kind/tough love words.
anvil - "this is the make or break point, that last tough bend in the road as we work towards establishing and CARRYING OUT healthy boundaries." That's it. Every day I get clearer this is not okay, that he isn't going to change, that I am not respecting myself by being here..but I am so resistant to TAKING ACTION! (enter whiny, child's voice) "It's haaaarrrrddd! I don't waaaannnnttt toooo!"
I am stuck there right now. Hoping with more time to see and build self respect I can move forward. I don't know how to muster it.
Did I mention how much I love you all??!?
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