Kittyboo

...of anger.

I'm really struggling with this lately. Over the past few months i've gone from feeling the pain that I lost someone amazing (because that person was never real)...to the pain of being so angry that I didn't walk away sooner, that I didn't confront the lies, that I put his feelings before mine.

I've done the journaling, even writing the letters to release what I am feeling, but I am having a really difficult time lately.
I think a lot of it is that I am so removed from my friends, and still living in the place I moved to to give us a chance. I'm only here for 4 more months until the semester ends, but some days are hard.

How did you / do you deal with your anger? How do you forgive yourself for not walking away sooner?
Just feeling blah tonight.

husbandofacoa

I got so tired of giving other people control of my happiness by being angry with them. Most of the time I can now just let it go. Sometimes I have to say my peace but I don't expect them to agree with me. If I can just say it, I don't build resentment.

Since it sounds like your anger may be directed at yourself, you need to realize that you did the best that you could at the time. None of us deliberately put ourselves through this crap. It is all that we know at the time. Try to feel good that you are on this forum and are working toward getting better.

These folks that we let make us miserable are very cunning and manipulative. They are the grand masters of placing blame on others and controling their lives. We are the types who are trying to do right and trying to hold things together. It is not our fault that we didn't know how not to be taken advantage of.

Keep working at the program. It really does get better.

Kittyboo

Thank you ... sometimes it's easy to forget " it's what we knew at the time ".

transformyself

Yay! I know the answer to this. I thought about what I needed and how to get it, and repeated this phrase to myself

I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now.

Wrote it down and said it to myself every hour.

Then I felt more grateful and could be in the moment. Love my life.

harleyd101

I am like you too, because I beat myself up so much worse than anyone else could. Forgiveness is a part of the process...be gentle with yourself, and remember that you did the best you could with what you had, and you did it out of love. I had to finally come to the realization that I am not a bad person, he is not a bad person, he is just very, very sick. Forgive yourself sweetie, and the anger will go away.

KeepPedaling

You shouldn't have to forgive yourself for having hope.

Pelican

How did you / do you deal with your anger? How do you forgive yourself for not walking away sooner?

When I feel anger, I acknowledge it and take action. I try not to stuff it inside where it can come back later. I have found ways to release my anger by getting in my car and turning up the stereo and screaming. I have also cussed and punched the passenger seat in my car.

I don't get angry as often now. I think my recovery work may be helping. One of the things I needed to work on was learning to love myself and forgive myself. I found positive affirmations to be helpful. Most of mine came from Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life." Two of my favorites are:
"I love and accept myself exactly as I am"
"I approve of me"

barb dwyer

Anger (for me) is usually a HUGE energy rush.

So - I redirect the energy,
without shutting off of bottling it up.
(which can make ya sick...
not talking something like a cold -
I'm talking the 'big C' level illness)

When it hits sudden-like,
I clean.
That's the first easiest thing to expend energy.
Kitchen, house, yard, car... whatever.

OR-

I draw.
I've drawn some EVIL-looking stuff,
letting that energy flow out.

It's funny that THOSE drawings ...
are the ones people want to buy.

When I calm down enough,
I will write about it in my journal.

That's how *I* do it.

ItsmeAlice

I try to remember that I, too, had an addiction...an addiction to my life with XABF. I did not think I could leave and therefore I never would leave. I wasn't entirely a fool, I was also ill in my own way.

Venting your anger in healthy ways as suggested is really where it's at. Getting that negative energy out will make a big difference.

I also find focusing on future projects and plans helpful in keeping me looking forward and not back. When the past creeps up in my mind I ask myself, which is more useful to think about an upcoming class, party, or event, or some random argument or an upset with XABF 3 years ago. Undoubtedly, I choose to think of a future I'm wishing for rather than a past I'd just as soon forget.

(((Hugs)))
Alice

Gold

Oh yeah. Anger, I feel it a lot.
For me it is a kind of self rightous thing that stops me looking at my own issues because I am so comfortable and caught up being angry with some-one else.
I have no answers because I am in an angry place right now too. i allow the feeling, try and understand what is actually is that I am angry about and often its about failed expectations.
i dont think there is anything wrong with anger per se. In our societly women (sorry men) are socialised not to express anger because it is not lady like or socially acceptable so we tend to bottle it up and the resentment festers.
Journalling sounds good. I just want to move away from anger but think its a bit of a comfort zone. I take time out, have a bath, spend time with ppl i enjoy
Sorry my rambling probably dont help but it is an interesting topic. thanks for posting

bookwyrm

I'm not completely over the anger at myself. I keep having to remind myself that I am human, I am allowed to make mistakes. Progress, not perfection. My counsellor has me eliminating the 'should's from my internal dialogue (I should have known better, I should have left earlier etc) - but it is hard somethimes!! I wish that I had found this forum - or even looked for something like it - a long time ago. And then I let it go (back to the first step).

You are not alone in feeling like this but I've found that I'm slowly learning to forgive myself. :ghug3

Live

This is a loss and grief process and the anger is very normal, expected and a critical part of the process. You will likely move in and out of anger until it gets worked through.....we may know something with our head, but out heart does not necessarily just jump in line with our thinking. We are thinking AND feeling beings.

Try some of the ideas above and others that you know of, feel, have heard about and will hear about. Please have patience with yourself and remember that this is a phase of a process and is temporary.
I am no longer comfortable with being angry at myself for being hurt by others.

best wishes,
Tena

kia

i fee1 angry at myse1f for wanting to give it a11 up and go back the sensib1e bit of me is thinking why are u doing this cos u know how it wi11 go someone said on here if theres no change then there wi11 be no change and thats whats gonna happen i know and yes i agree i think im addicted to him i cant stay away is this a re1apse or what

myawakening

Kit...what you feel is NORMAL. I had the same issue...I was angry all the time. Angry at him for his drinking and destroying our life...angry at myself for staying long after I should have. The anger was eating me up alive.

My counselor helped me work through my anger. She helped me see that "I made a choice to stay until I knew it was time to go". Like Pelican...when I wanted to let the rage I felt inside out...I got in my car and drove...AND SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS! Oh God, it felt so good! My throat was sore, but my body felt relaxed. The anger had been released...for then. Whenever it bottled up inside me...I drove and screamed again.

Is my anger gone? Not all of it, but it doesn't possess me like it did. What you feel is normal and the anger will leave you when it's ready to go...when you are finally at peace with your situation. Until then...stop beating yourself up...be kind to yourself. You did the best you could at the time. When the anger starts to gather around you again...find your car keys and get moving:-)

kia

thats so true sorry im crying now upet me i know what u mean i just want to 1et it out and dont understand why i want to go back so much its hard sometimes to put it into words what is going on in my head

stella27

I had to know for sure that leaving was the only option before I left.
I couldn't break up my children's home unless there was no other way.

What I regret the most is that I didn't listen to my younger self (before the babies started coming) who KNEW that his behavior wasn't acceptable to me.

Why did I ever give a FLIP about his feelings when mine were so clearly not on his mind?

Kittyboo

"Why did I ever give a FLIP about his feelings when mine were so clearly not on his mind?"
Exactly Stella!

Thanks everyone for the words, advice, all of it. I even woke up today remembering something he said to me that I had forgotten...and the anger and pain hit AGAIN. Not overwhelming though. But I just want to forget all of it. Of course it was something he said to place blame on me for how I was feeling.

My counselor and I discussed my anger in a past session, and discovered that for me, anger and sadness deliver similar reactions. I feel anxiety and I cry. But normally I don't scream, or yell....I always want to "fix" whatever is wrong. I'll always soak up my own anger as long as the situation works itself out....as long as it's all "ok".
Well I guess ALL of this anger, probably from my entire life is catching up with me now.

I've read from a couple of members here before where they have expressed being angry that their XABF, or XAH seems to get to move on with his life, no consequences, no pain,..a new relationship...."lateeedah, look at me, i'm happy, get who I want, do what I want, and could care less that I hurt you.."
Logically, yes, we know they are NOT happy people...but riight now, that's definitely how I feel.

But thank you again everyone! Yes, it is a process, I just thought I would be past most of this anger by now.

Kassie2

It's a process which means it takes time. We process things on many levels over time and as we are exposed to experience. The task is to answer the question of what does this change and what doesn't change.

and the rest... the further you move forward, the less you will think about it, do little things everyday to remind you that you are moving forward.

also, we can't undo the past, getting angry doesn't change it and just serves as a reminder of why you made a different choice when you did.