question, before I act/react.
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question, before I act/react.
Hi all. You all know my story. yadada.
No change here, except for me. Abf is still here, and I know he is taking pills again. No drama, no crazy behavior, frankly all is fine, except that I 'know', and I don't want it. (for my own reasons.)
My sister was just here, and I put the house on the market. (my home). She said in todays market, be prepared for a long sell, because It's an expensive home, and those homes just aren't selling.
I told her that part of the reason I was doing this, is because I rely on the abf's income to help pay for expenses here. She was advising me not to throw the 'baby out with the bath water' so-to-speak.
I told her that everything I learned about addiction, tells me I have to turn my back on him. She said, "If you love him, I'd insist that he gets help, I wouldn't just thrown him out."
Here is the question. Because of my desire to detatch, I have not even discussed his issues with him. As I said, there is no craziness here, nothing is in my home, he is loving to all of us, and is a good provider. So how do I go about making a move. I love him, and I wish things were different for him, but I know there is nothing I can do. So, do I sit down with him and tell him that by say the end of january -- he needs to get help for himself, on his own, or he will have to leave? Do I just do nothing... still? Or do I just send him packing-- which would be shocking to him.... (because he dosen't think there is any issues here). I just am at a loss.
The reason I'm at a loss is because his taking pills while he is at work, dosen't directly affect me, *but it does, cause I know.* I just can't live with knowing he is doing something that is destroying his life... (his health), I worry that it will never stop, or something bad will happen to him. SO, I know that deep down inside, just knowing alone, is enough for me to take some further steps.
Putting the house up for sale, is the bigget step I could have taken thus far. Now where do I go.
Looking for imput and insight, before I just act out carelessly, then find myself knee deep in uneeded drama etc.
Any comments, suggestions?
Thank you
Hope everyone is doing well.
Love,
Cess
No change here, except for me. Abf is still here, and I know he is taking pills again. No drama, no crazy behavior, frankly all is fine, except that I 'know', and I don't want it. (for my own reasons.)
My sister was just here, and I put the house on the market. (my home). She said in todays market, be prepared for a long sell, because It's an expensive home, and those homes just aren't selling.
I told her that part of the reason I was doing this, is because I rely on the abf's income to help pay for expenses here. She was advising me not to throw the 'baby out with the bath water' so-to-speak.
I told her that everything I learned about addiction, tells me I have to turn my back on him. She said, "If you love him, I'd insist that he gets help, I wouldn't just thrown him out."
Here is the question. Because of my desire to detatch, I have not even discussed his issues with him. As I said, there is no craziness here, nothing is in my home, he is loving to all of us, and is a good provider. So how do I go about making a move. I love him, and I wish things were different for him, but I know there is nothing I can do. So, do I sit down with him and tell him that by say the end of january -- he needs to get help for himself, on his own, or he will have to leave? Do I just do nothing... still? Or do I just send him packing-- which would be shocking to him.... (because he dosen't think there is any issues here). I just am at a loss.
The reason I'm at a loss is because his taking pills while he is at work, dosen't directly affect me, *but it does, cause I know.* I just can't live with knowing he is doing something that is destroying his life... (his health), I worry that it will never stop, or something bad will happen to him. SO, I know that deep down inside, just knowing alone, is enough for me to take some further steps.
Putting the house up for sale, is the bigget step I could have taken thus far. Now where do I go.
Looking for imput and insight, before I just act out carelessly, then find myself knee deep in uneeded drama etc.
Any comments, suggestions?
Thank you
Hope everyone is doing well.
Love,
Cess
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
She said, "If you love him, I'd insist that he gets help, I wouldn't just thrown him out."
He is an adult and can do what he likes. Cessy and the rest of the world be damned.
So it really doesn't matter what your sister says, does it?
It only matters what Cessy wants out of life for her and her children. It only matters what Cessy thinks is best.
Good luck deciding on what you want to do with your house! It's a tough market out there right now.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
haven't you been down the "get help or else" road before? and how did that go? and how does his getting help or not affect putting your house on the market? what IS your true motivation here? answer that, and all else will be clear as a bell..........
My motivation for doing that, is so that I can truely afford what I have ALONE. BECAUSE, i'm afraid the end result of all of this is that I will ultimately have to go-it alone.
Not because I want to, but because him doing pills dosen't work for me. It's od anvil, he's better now than he has been in the past two years. He's more loving, attentive, involved, ..... no late nights, extremely supportive about my school... But, I've grown. And I've learned so much.
Now that I see an 'out' for me, and have come to terms with the fact that I don't 'need' this house, and that it's only keeping me 'stuck', I'm going forward. I did get accepted to one of the best colleges in the north-east, and I start next week, my first spring semester there.
Priorties are as follows:
(obviously)kids.
Reduce debt.
School.
Work.
Peace.
Thats it.
Very focused. And I know the other 'elephant' needs to be addressed. This is why I'm preparing, and not being 'rash' and expecting some results out of 'talks' or 'ultimatums'.
SO, is my sister right? Do I give him sit-down, with a date? Do I just ask him to leave, or do I do nothing?
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Haven't you already drawn a boundary about drug use multiple times? And told him he needs to move out? I guess the question is how are you going to get him out and keep him out because the guy always seems to end up staying... every time you tell him to leave.
Ultimatums don't work with addicts. Go back and read your old posts - You've been there done that already.
If it was me, I'd say you have til the end of the month to find a place to stay. Period. I am changing the locks on January 31st. I wouldn't try to convince him to get help for his problem (again). He'll be one step closer to the bottom if you stop giving him a place to do drugs.
Ultimatums don't work with addicts. Go back and read your old posts - You've been there done that already.
If it was me, I'd say you have til the end of the month to find a place to stay. Period. I am changing the locks on January 31st. I wouldn't try to convince him to get help for his problem (again). He'll be one step closer to the bottom if you stop giving him a place to do drugs.
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cessy, what works for you? Letting him stay until the house is sold or asking him to leave by a certain date?
You have a host of reasons for listing your house, and one of them is a different value system than his. When you tell him your reasons for listing, will you tell him that too?
If he, on his own and without any more prompting from you, decides to seek treatment, are you leaving the door open for him to join you again somewhere else?
You have a host of reasons for listing your house, and one of them is a different value system than his. When you tell him your reasons for listing, will you tell him that too?
If he, on his own and without any more prompting from you, decides to seek treatment, are you leaving the door open for him to join you again somewhere else?
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Hi Cessy,
I'm assuming "you" are somewhere on that list correct?
I can only share with you what I know, which is what happened to end my marraige to my second husband (yes, there were only two
)
I had begged him to allow me to be part of his life, and he mine. I exhausted myself trying to figure out what it would take to see change. He was not an addict, except for his obsession with Harleys and his buddies and cars etc etc.
At some point I gave up, but hung in there for a short while until I could ask him to leave. During that short while, I had basically shut down, going through the motions, phoning it in...
I lost weight, and slept horribly, I was sad and angry and confused all at once.
My marraige ended because I had finally had enough, but you know what? He had NO CLUE! He thought everything was fine because we weren't fighting. He thought I was happy. Are you kidding me? I would visibly shake quite often, for no obvious reason!
How could my own husband not see that?
I've often thought what would have happened if I had made him leave before I reached that point. Would we have found a way to solve our differences? Would we still be married today?
Questions I will never have the answer to...
I'm assuming "you" are somewhere on that list correct?
I can only share with you what I know, which is what happened to end my marraige to my second husband (yes, there were only two
)I had begged him to allow me to be part of his life, and he mine. I exhausted myself trying to figure out what it would take to see change. He was not an addict, except for his obsession with Harleys and his buddies and cars etc etc.
At some point I gave up, but hung in there for a short while until I could ask him to leave. During that short while, I had basically shut down, going through the motions, phoning it in...
I lost weight, and slept horribly, I was sad and angry and confused all at once.
My marraige ended because I had finally had enough, but you know what? He had NO CLUE! He thought everything was fine because we weren't fighting. He thought I was happy. Are you kidding me? I would visibly shake quite often, for no obvious reason!
How could my own husband not see that?
I've often thought what would have happened if I had made him leave before I reached that point. Would we have found a way to solve our differences? Would we still be married today?
Questions I will never have the answer to...
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
When you've really had "enough" your going to know & act on it. You may even, a few times, *think* you've had enough and even act on it only to backpedal because you really haven't had "enough" yet. Sometimes, like in my case, you do this a couple of times before it really sinks in.
I speak from experience. That was/is me. And I am trying once again. Set some boundries, then prepare yourself to follow through with the consequences if/when he crosses them. Also prepare yourself for your consequences (continuing to live with active addiction and suffering it's effects on you) if you don't enforce your boundries.
Addiction is progressive. Thats a fact. There is no "handling it" for an addict. They may carry the illusion for awhile but the addiction will progress.
I wish you the best,
Teggie
I speak from experience. That was/is me. And I am trying once again. Set some boundries, then prepare yourself to follow through with the consequences if/when he crosses them. Also prepare yourself for your consequences (continuing to live with active addiction and suffering it's effects on you) if you don't enforce your boundries.
Addiction is progressive. Thats a fact. There is no "handling it" for an addict. They may carry the illusion for awhile but the addiction will progress.
I wish you the best,
Teggie
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, a huge congratulations on acceptance into such an excellent college. I hope you are as excited about it as I am for you!
Secondly, how about putting yourself on top of that list?
As someone else said, it doesn't matter what your sister says. Statements like that come from people who are not educated, nor have had to live with active addiction.
There are a tremendous amount of resources out there should he ever get to the point he's hit a bottom. NA/AA are free. Rehabs are everywhere. There is counseling/therapy. He's an adult, and is making his own choices.
Putting your house on the market is a huge step for you! Take care of yourself first and foremost, and please let us know how school is once you start, okay?
Secondly, how about putting yourself on top of that list?
As someone else said, it doesn't matter what your sister says. Statements like that come from people who are not educated, nor have had to live with active addiction.
There are a tremendous amount of resources out there should he ever get to the point he's hit a bottom. NA/AA are free. Rehabs are everywhere. There is counseling/therapy. He's an adult, and is making his own choices.
Putting your house on the market is a huge step for you! Take care of yourself first and foremost, and please let us know how school is once you start, okay?
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[QUOTE=Freedom1990;2485299]First of all, a huge congratulations on acceptance into such an excellent college. I hope you are as excited about it as I am for you!
Secondly, how about putting yourself on top of that list?QUOTE]
Hey freedom,
Thank you! I am sooooo dang excited. I was going to a pretty decent college, and I decided it was time to transfer........ and I tried, and I waited. The letter came about a week before Christmas, that I was accepted! THEN, 2 days before Christmas, I got a letter saying that I got a scholarship from the college itself, because of my current G.P.A. (a 4.0 that Anvil lovingly teases me about paid off!) lol.
I practically did backflips down my snowy driveway in my p.j's!!!!!
This week I went to campus for the first 'real time' and obtained my books, new schedule, etc. Whoa. Whatta experience. I became nervous, excited, hesitant, joyous, thankful, all at once... just a plethera of emotions balled up into one.
It's ironic. Sat. night I came home from work, and there was a tiffanys jewelry box with a pretty bow on my pillow., with a card under it. The abf bought me a beautiful necklace, and a card that stated how proud he was of me, and that he is here to support me in what he knows is the last couple years of a life-long dream/journey.
I was touched and disheartend. The very thing that is setting me free, (my independence and education) is having a positive affect on him. Again, my whole world is changing right before my eyes.... the people I'm interacting with, the degree right within reach, my internships at hospitals, (working with crisis intervention) is giving me soooo much perspective. It's too bad that he dosen't see.... (as cece said, that this is ending before his eyes).
I am, (just fyi) at the top, very top of my priority list.
Failed to write that.... (almost forgot about the kids... lol). It's really school, and pushing forward, (that in turn takes care of ME and my kids). The house was a HUGE thing for me. But as anvil eloquently pointed out to another member, it's really just walls and a roof.
The kids are amazeing through this process....they think it's awesome to tell their peers where mom is going to school now. In addition, they have NO problem selling the home, and tell me, "mom, all we really need is a little home or an apartment at this point anyhow".... because they are all going off to college now also, (except the 13yr old, who is with dad a lot as well).
SO.... it's all falling into place for me. Yea, I have my days.... where things seem bleek, and I worry about money etc. .... but hopefully the good lord will put some young buyers my way, who will enjoy this monstrosity of a home with kids who need 2 acres of land to run on! Then I'll really be on my way.....
Just one more little bump in the road. I'll figure it out, (with a little help from my friends here on SR)!
Thank you for the inquery. Hope you are doing well, and that school is going well for you also.
Love,
Cess
Secondly, how about putting yourself on top of that list?QUOTE]
Hey freedom,
Thank you! I am sooooo dang excited. I was going to a pretty decent college, and I decided it was time to transfer........ and I tried, and I waited. The letter came about a week before Christmas, that I was accepted! THEN, 2 days before Christmas, I got a letter saying that I got a scholarship from the college itself, because of my current G.P.A. (a 4.0 that Anvil lovingly teases me about paid off!) lol.
I practically did backflips down my snowy driveway in my p.j's!!!!!
This week I went to campus for the first 'real time' and obtained my books, new schedule, etc. Whoa. Whatta experience. I became nervous, excited, hesitant, joyous, thankful, all at once... just a plethera of emotions balled up into one.
It's ironic. Sat. night I came home from work, and there was a tiffanys jewelry box with a pretty bow on my pillow., with a card under it. The abf bought me a beautiful necklace, and a card that stated how proud he was of me, and that he is here to support me in what he knows is the last couple years of a life-long dream/journey.
I was touched and disheartend. The very thing that is setting me free, (my independence and education) is having a positive affect on him. Again, my whole world is changing right before my eyes.... the people I'm interacting with, the degree right within reach, my internships at hospitals, (working with crisis intervention) is giving me soooo much perspective. It's too bad that he dosen't see.... (as cece said, that this is ending before his eyes).
I am, (just fyi) at the top, very top of my priority list.
Failed to write that.... (almost forgot about the kids... lol). It's really school, and pushing forward, (that in turn takes care of ME and my kids). The house was a HUGE thing for me. But as anvil eloquently pointed out to another member, it's really just walls and a roof.
The kids are amazeing through this process....they think it's awesome to tell their peers where mom is going to school now. In addition, they have NO problem selling the home, and tell me, "mom, all we really need is a little home or an apartment at this point anyhow".... because they are all going off to college now also, (except the 13yr old, who is with dad a lot as well).
SO.... it's all falling into place for me. Yea, I have my days.... where things seem bleek, and I worry about money etc. .... but hopefully the good lord will put some young buyers my way, who will enjoy this monstrosity of a home with kids who need 2 acres of land to run on! Then I'll really be on my way.....
Just one more little bump in the road. I'll figure it out, (with a little help from my friends here on SR)!
Thank you for the inquery. Hope you are doing well, and that school is going well for you also.
Love,
Cess
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cessy68
My sister was just here, and I put the house on the market. (my home). She said in todays market, be prepared for a long sell, because It's an expensive home, and those homes just aren't selling.
What you paid, need or want out of the sale means nothing to buyers. In most parts of the U.S., right now, home values are declining. The buyer's tax credit thing is not likely to have much impact on higher priced homes. The interest rate on jumbo mortgages will.
The longer a property sits in this market, the less net proceeds a seller will recieve because they have chosen to chase the market down. There are plenty of homes in my area that have been listed for almost three years. Some of them actually do sell and close 25-35% off the original asking price which was based on the seller's fantasy.
When I go on listing appointments, I probe for seller motivation. If someone does not have to sell, right now, chances are, they will not sell.
You have the choice to sell the competition or get sold. Things are not going to magically turn around, this spring.
In the mean time, are you able to handle the monthly nut without his financial assist, given you have gone back to school and are not making the income you once did?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Posts: 852
Originally Posted by outtolunch
In the mean time, are you able to handle the monthly nut without his financial assist, given you have gone back to school and are not making the income you once did?
Rough numbers I make about 3200 mthly and 800 child support.
400 of that child support ends in july, *which is why I'm really doing the math* now.
SO, that leaves me with (in july) 3600.
My current mortgage is 2200.
SO, can I pay the mortgage... sure. Lights... yea, but heating this place is running huge, and I have a car-payment, insurance , etc.
No credit card debt at all. But without his income, after basic expeses I'm short.
Right now, with the money he gives... it's ok, but still very tight.
I need about a 1100 mth mortgage to do it alone.
Sister told me a lot of what you said. She basically said, if I get low-balled, take it and run, and just rent for a while, rather than holding out for equity money..... that's what she thinks.
Thank you....
What do you think?
Love,
Cess
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cessy68
I was touched and disheartend. The very thing that is setting me free, (my independence and education) is having a positive affect on him.
He bought you a bauble and wrote you a nice note. That's a nice gesture, not anything more or less.
It sounds like you are rationalizing inertia, again. Doing nothing as it relates to him, has financial advantages. I get it. We all get it.
You care for him and accept him on his terms and in exchange he cares for you and provides for you.
Can you do this with absolutely no expectations that he is going to change?
Can you accept him as is, where is?
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Posts: 852
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Can you do this with absolutely no expectations that he is going to change?
Can you accept him as is, where is?
Can you accept him as is, where is?
And THAT is not acceptable, and therefore why I'm writing this thread. Trying to push through to the last phase of what-to-do.
I am human, and have had a 5 yr. relationship with him. I feel guilt, when i see the necklace and a sweet letter. I know he's a good man, outto. It's pure guilt. Guilt that I can't live with him as-is. Guilt that I know he wishes he didn't have that nasty little habit , that he has to hide. Guilt that I'm making plans to get-out, while he's busy making life plans for us. Guilt that he just dosen't even know where I'm at. At least before, (before my detatchment) he had me screaming like a child, and he KNEW that I wasn't alright with things. I think now, I've set him up for a huge fall.
It's all about the guilt.
Did you read the financial statement above... (lol).
Thank you,
Cess
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cessy68
Nope, nope and nope. I have done the math back and forth a hundred times.
Rough numbers I make about 3200 mthly and 800 child support.
400 of that child support ends in july, *which is why I'm really doing the math* now.
SO, that leaves me with (in july) 3600.
My current mortgage is 2200.
SO, can I pay the mortgage... sure. Lights... yea, but heating this place is running huge, and I have a car-payment, insurance , etc.
No credit card debt at all. But without his income, after basic expeses I'm short.
Right now, with the money he gives... it's ok, but still very tight.
I need about a 1100 mth mortgage to do it alone.
Sister told me a lot of what you said. She basically said, if I get low-balled, take it and run, and just rent for a while, rather than holding out for equity money..... that's what she thinks.
Thank you....
What do you think?
Love,
Cess
Rough numbers I make about 3200 mthly and 800 child support.
400 of that child support ends in july, *which is why I'm really doing the math* now.
SO, that leaves me with (in july) 3600.
My current mortgage is 2200.
SO, can I pay the mortgage... sure. Lights... yea, but heating this place is running huge, and I have a car-payment, insurance , etc.
No credit card debt at all. But without his income, after basic expeses I'm short.
Right now, with the money he gives... it's ok, but still very tight.
I need about a 1100 mth mortgage to do it alone.
Sister told me a lot of what you said. She basically said, if I get low-balled, take it and run, and just rent for a while, rather than holding out for equity money..... that's what she thinks.
Thank you....
What do you think?
Love,
Cess
The issue, as I see it, is that it's nothing more than a " they can always make an offer" strategy. Reality is, buyers probably will not make an offer, if they can buy a comparable home for less, elsewhere.
I assume your sister is your listing agent. She knows better than anyone that her job is to create some excitement for your home amongst all the unsold homes. It has to be in top condition and priced to sell. Don't worry about the low balls. Price it right, now.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cessy68
Nope. And I don't 'expect' that he will change..... I love him as-is, minus the addiction.
And THAT is not acceptable, and therefore why I'm writing this thread. Trying to push through to the last phase of what-to-do.
I am human, and have had a 5 yr. relationship with him. I feel guilt, when i see the necklace and a sweet letter. I know he's a good man, outto. It's pure guilt. Guilt that I can't live with him as-is. Guilt that I know he wishes he didn't have that nasty little habit , that he has to hide. Guilt that I'm making plans to get-out, while he's busy making life plans for us. Guilt that he just dosen't even know where I'm at. At least before, (before my detatchment) he had me screaming like a child, and he KNEW that I wasn't alright with things. I think now, I've set him up for a huge fall.
It's all about the guilt.
Did you read the financial statement above... (lol).
Thank you,
Cess
And THAT is not acceptable, and therefore why I'm writing this thread. Trying to push through to the last phase of what-to-do.
I am human, and have had a 5 yr. relationship with him. I feel guilt, when i see the necklace and a sweet letter. I know he's a good man, outto. It's pure guilt. Guilt that I can't live with him as-is. Guilt that I know he wishes he didn't have that nasty little habit , that he has to hide. Guilt that I'm making plans to get-out, while he's busy making life plans for us. Guilt that he just dosen't even know where I'm at. At least before, (before my detatchment) he had me screaming like a child, and he KNEW that I wasn't alright with things. I think now, I've set him up for a huge fall.
It's all about the guilt.
Did you read the financial statement above... (lol).
Thank you,
Cess
You have no idea what his plans are, right now. He probably does not either.
Is he taking action to untangle himself from his current wife or is it all talk to keep you both addicted to the fantasy?
Given the current financial dependency, you need his financial support, right now. Once the house is under contract, it's time to rent for awhile and figure out the rest of the story.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by anvilhead
perhaps use this necklace as an opportunity for dialogue...give it back and explain to him exactly as you have done here where you are at, where you want to go with your life and why you can no longer accept his gifts anymore than you can his addiction. and that FROM NOW ON, you ask nothing of him, not to change in any way, but that for you to achieve peace and balance in your life, you simply MUST make changes FOR YOURSELF.
i did a little gut check myself recently....did a review of my "escape plan" if one is needed or desired. altho i am in a committed relationship, for my own peace of mind i need to assure that i am still able to take care of myself, by myself, without any outside support. if hank vanished via alien abduction, simply left or some other worst case scenario, i can ALMOST afford things on my own. since he and i make a roughly equivalent amount on paper that also means if something happened to me, he could ALMOST afford things on his own too. he's been on layoff since october and i have been amazed at what a forced budget restriction can do!!! it reminds that i can make do with less and be just fine - with the caveat that i have to make some tough choices and put certain things on hold. like i haven't had a haircut in months, cuz RIGHT NOW that's just an expense that TO ME is not necessary for survival. i put off enrolling in writing school. we delayed our "christmas" which was going to be each of us buying some new duds. we gave my daughter and her beau gift cards, including the starbucks card my boss gave me and i "regifted" to her. we even quit getting the dogs their fancy tube food - they still get the dry fancy kibble but with a dribble of beef broth instead. i put our heating bill on the budget payment plan so i pay an equal amount each month instead of the sharp rises and declines in heating costs. i haven't seen the inside of a movie theatre or a restaurant in a long time.
now that i know i can do just fine with less, and that hank and i can each ALMOST afford things solo, i can work on that ALMOST stuff. i can continue to simplify and employ fiscal frugality. hell i might even be able to start putting money back IN to savings soon! LOL and i am reassured that i can take care of myself. i am beholden to no one. i give myself the gift of CHOICES and OPTIONS........
i did a little gut check myself recently....did a review of my "escape plan" if one is needed or desired. altho i am in a committed relationship, for my own peace of mind i need to assure that i am still able to take care of myself, by myself, without any outside support. if hank vanished via alien abduction, simply left or some other worst case scenario, i can ALMOST afford things on my own. since he and i make a roughly equivalent amount on paper that also means if something happened to me, he could ALMOST afford things on his own too. he's been on layoff since october and i have been amazed at what a forced budget restriction can do!!! it reminds that i can make do with less and be just fine - with the caveat that i have to make some tough choices and put certain things on hold. like i haven't had a haircut in months, cuz RIGHT NOW that's just an expense that TO ME is not necessary for survival. i put off enrolling in writing school. we delayed our "christmas" which was going to be each of us buying some new duds. we gave my daughter and her beau gift cards, including the starbucks card my boss gave me and i "regifted" to her. we even quit getting the dogs their fancy tube food - they still get the dry fancy kibble but with a dribble of beef broth instead. i put our heating bill on the budget payment plan so i pay an equal amount each month instead of the sharp rises and declines in heating costs. i haven't seen the inside of a movie theatre or a restaurant in a long time.
now that i know i can do just fine with less, and that hank and i can each ALMOST afford things solo, i can work on that ALMOST stuff. i can continue to simplify and employ fiscal frugality. hell i might even be able to start putting money back IN to savings soon! LOL and i am reassured that i can take care of myself. i am beholden to no one. i give myself the gift of CHOICES and OPTIONS........
1st.... the necklace. Good Idea. Hard work on my part. I will mull that one over, I just don't want it to get drama filled, (which I'm extra cautious on how I approach things now) because I AM sensitive, and handing back a necklace with those words, could easily turn into a drama-fest. SO unless I'm real prepared, I'll have to sit on that. However, ponder it I will. Thank you.
It's fun to be frugal sometimes. I too am on a payment plan w/ utilities, so that I pay a fixed amout each month... that has made things easier. I did go over-board w/ the kids at Christmas, but they were the only ones. (I'm paying for it now, because I'm short with cash.).... Yet, at least I didn't rackup any credit cards.
Lastly, what you said about never being dependant again.....wow. I know. I can't believe I find myself here. After the story I told you all on Callies post, about when I left my jerk (nicely put) ex.... 12 yrs ago, I said I'd NEVER be put in the position that I was back then. I would NEVER be held back by a mans income.
Hmmm.
Well, I guess I'm not. I guess I 'could' manage. You saw the math.... and yes, right now, If he were gone TODAY, I'd be a little sc****d. But, not a lot sc****d. I do have options... and the best one was what I decided today. Sell the house. I will rent something, or buy a little quaint home, that I can afford with 'comfort' alone. Hopefully the rest will fall into place very soon.
One step forward anyhow.... I'm aworkin' at it!!
thank you,
Cess
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Cessy~ I think you are making a smart move. No matter what happens with abf, it puts you in a more secure place. And it gets rid of that even being a part of the equation. I hope that the home sale goes smoothly for you.
And remember that addiction is not the only issue you face with your abf. Whether he quits the pills or not, you don't get his whole heart. You deserve someone who is 100% there for you. Five years is plenty of time for him to take care of his past and make his present (YOU) his priority. Don't let him take you for granted, because it sounds to me like he is.
And remember that addiction is not the only issue you face with your abf. Whether he quits the pills or not, you don't get his whole heart. You deserve someone who is 100% there for you. Five years is plenty of time for him to take care of his past and make his present (YOU) his priority. Don't let him take you for granted, because it sounds to me like he is.
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