Very beginning steps for my family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 14
Very beginning steps for my family
My husband has been battling alcoholism for the past 7 years. He would go through periods of sobriety, followed by periods of heavy drinking, which would ultimately lead to some big incident, then attempt sobriety again. It was always a continuous vicious circle. Every time he drank too much, it destroyed a little more of my love for him, as it affected our kids and I so negatively.
This past weekend, he got up at 7:00 on Saturday morning with our 2 year old son. I had a sinus cold/headache, and stayed in bed for awhile longer. He's done this before, and it hasn't been a problem, as he seemed to like the alone time with our son. At about 8:45, my son was outside my bedroom door calling for me, and knocking at my door. After a couple minutes, he went away. I woke up, but didn't get up right away. Instead, I reached for my cellphone, and tried calling my husband's phone to see if he needed me for anything. His cellphone was in his pants in our room. I tried calling our home phone 4 different times. No answer. This made me start to get concerned. I got up, ran downstairs, and got to the kitchen in time to see my husband drive away with my son. I immediately went to the cupboard where his alcohol usually was. The bottle of Vodka that was 3/4 full at bedtime the night before...WAS GONE!!! I knew right then that my son was in terrible danger. I had no way to reach him, and didn't think I could stop him if I could find him in my car. All I could do was weep and pray and beg God. I didn't ask God to prevent a DUI. I knew that a DUI was inevitable. I just BEGGED God to keep everyone safe, and most importantly, bring my baby back to me.
This hell continued for an hour. At 10:00 the phone rang. It was the State Patrol. My husband had gotten stuck near a resort, approx 5 miles from town. Everyone was ok. They had arrested my husband for DUI. My baby was safe and sitting in the patrol car.
Right now, my biggest problem is absolute lack of trust with him. I am so very angry with him! I don't know if he deserves another chance to fix things. I don't know if we can have a future together without trust. My family is hugely affected by this both emotionally and financially. Right now just talking about it makes me cry. I need to hear from others who have gone through this, and what steps they took to overcome this time in their family's life.
This past weekend, he got up at 7:00 on Saturday morning with our 2 year old son. I had a sinus cold/headache, and stayed in bed for awhile longer. He's done this before, and it hasn't been a problem, as he seemed to like the alone time with our son. At about 8:45, my son was outside my bedroom door calling for me, and knocking at my door. After a couple minutes, he went away. I woke up, but didn't get up right away. Instead, I reached for my cellphone, and tried calling my husband's phone to see if he needed me for anything. His cellphone was in his pants in our room. I tried calling our home phone 4 different times. No answer. This made me start to get concerned. I got up, ran downstairs, and got to the kitchen in time to see my husband drive away with my son. I immediately went to the cupboard where his alcohol usually was. The bottle of Vodka that was 3/4 full at bedtime the night before...WAS GONE!!! I knew right then that my son was in terrible danger. I had no way to reach him, and didn't think I could stop him if I could find him in my car. All I could do was weep and pray and beg God. I didn't ask God to prevent a DUI. I knew that a DUI was inevitable. I just BEGGED God to keep everyone safe, and most importantly, bring my baby back to me.
This hell continued for an hour. At 10:00 the phone rang. It was the State Patrol. My husband had gotten stuck near a resort, approx 5 miles from town. Everyone was ok. They had arrested my husband for DUI. My baby was safe and sitting in the patrol car.
Right now, my biggest problem is absolute lack of trust with him. I am so very angry with him! I don't know if he deserves another chance to fix things. I don't know if we can have a future together without trust. My family is hugely affected by this both emotionally and financially. Right now just talking about it makes me cry. I need to hear from others who have gone through this, and what steps they took to overcome this time in their family's life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. If you are new here one of the most helpful things you can learn are the three C's when it comes to alcoholism:
You didn't cause it
You can't change it
You can't control it
Alcoholism is a horrible disease and what you are going through has been gone through by not only myself but most everyone else you will meet on these boards. You must take care of yourself and your child. Your husband will only get worse unless HE chooses to get help and seek recovery. Your job is to take care of you and that precious baby boy.
Are you involved in Al Anon?
You didn't cause it
You can't change it
You can't control it
Alcoholism is a horrible disease and what you are going through has been gone through by not only myself but most everyone else you will meet on these boards. You must take care of yourself and your child. Your husband will only get worse unless HE chooses to get help and seek recovery. Your job is to take care of you and that precious baby boy.
Are you involved in Al Anon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 14
I'm not involved in Alanon yet, though am currently looking into it. My husband has contacted our church to see what they have to offer in terms of AA, marriage counselling, etc.
I know I didn't cause it, change it, or control it. I just have SO MUCH guilt, and anger. The "what if's", and "if only's" keep me awake at night. Could I have protected my baby on Saturday if I had gotten up as soon as he called for me? Did he know something was wrong and was asking for help in the only way a 2 year old knows how to ask? I also have a 15 year old son, who has to face the embarrassment in his life as well. My husband was the head coach, and had to resign. My 15 year old was on his team. Right now the guilt is eating me alive.
I know I didn't cause it, change it, or control it. I just have SO MUCH guilt, and anger. The "what if's", and "if only's" keep me awake at night. Could I have protected my baby on Saturday if I had gotten up as soon as he called for me? Did he know something was wrong and was asking for help in the only way a 2 year old knows how to ask? I also have a 15 year old son, who has to face the embarrassment in his life as well. My husband was the head coach, and had to resign. My 15 year old was on his team. Right now the guilt is eating me alive.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Welcome. You will find so much support here, and I hope you will stay.
1. First thing you will have to do is to get a grip on yourself and the spinning and racing and guilty thoughts about what to do for the rest of your life. In this moment, everyone is safe. Especially you and your chidlren. So breathe a big sigh of relief.
2. You have done nothing wrong. Let go of the guilt.
3. Take a vow that from now on, you are going to protect your kids and your sanity first, because since Daddy isn't sane and able to be trusted, that leaves Mama in charge.
4. Don't look into al-anon for another minute. Just go. Right now. You need them now.
We are here for you. So try to slow down and breathe. It will be okay.
1. First thing you will have to do is to get a grip on yourself and the spinning and racing and guilty thoughts about what to do for the rest of your life. In this moment, everyone is safe. Especially you and your chidlren. So breathe a big sigh of relief.
2. You have done nothing wrong. Let go of the guilt.
3. Take a vow that from now on, you are going to protect your kids and your sanity first, because since Daddy isn't sane and able to be trusted, that leaves Mama in charge.
4. Don't look into al-anon for another minute. Just go. Right now. You need them now.
We are here for you. So try to slow down and breathe. It will be okay.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm not sure where your guilt is coming from, trust, because you aren't doing anything wrong.
An active alcoholic cannot be trusted. You've learned that now, so you can act accordingly. You know now that he is not to be alone with your two-year-old, whether or not he likes to be. End of story. And as for trust.....truly, lost of trust in him is not the end of the world. It simply is reality. What you want to avoid at all costs is lack of trust in yourself, and your ability to make wise choices for yourself and your child.
And I would be furious. Furious. Your baby could have died because of his actions. Not because you slept in. Because of his choice to drink, and endanger his child by driving drunk.
It helps me to sit down, when these wild emotions are coursing through me, and write down five small things I can do that will move me back to sanity. Al-Anon would be at the top of my list, and was. It helped me to gain perspective on my life with an alcoholic better than anything else ever could.
You have been given a second chance. Take care of yourself and your children. You cannot make him stop drinking, but you can protect the three of you from his actions until you make a decision on whether/how you want to go forward.
An active alcoholic cannot be trusted. You've learned that now, so you can act accordingly. You know now that he is not to be alone with your two-year-old, whether or not he likes to be. End of story. And as for trust.....truly, lost of trust in him is not the end of the world. It simply is reality. What you want to avoid at all costs is lack of trust in yourself, and your ability to make wise choices for yourself and your child.
And I would be furious. Furious. Your baby could have died because of his actions. Not because you slept in. Because of his choice to drink, and endanger his child by driving drunk.
It helps me to sit down, when these wild emotions are coursing through me, and write down five small things I can do that will move me back to sanity. Al-Anon would be at the top of my list, and was. It helped me to gain perspective on my life with an alcoholic better than anything else ever could.
You have been given a second chance. Take care of yourself and your children. You cannot make him stop drinking, but you can protect the three of you from his actions until you make a decision on whether/how you want to go forward.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome to SR!
I'm so glad you came to post. There are plenty more wonderful folk that will be along soon to support and encourage you.
Your feelings of distrust and anger are perfectly valid. That's a normal reaction. Your guilt, on the other hand, you can chuck!
He is his own person that makes his own choices and you couldn't have predicted this before today.
Your husband has shown with his actions that he does not make safe decisions regarding himself or your child. That is a shame and we all mourn the loss of the "good" husband (or father or child or grandmother or whomever!) for this alcoholic one. Unfortunately, you can't fix him and alcoholism is progressive, so the chances are he will make more bad decisions.
Your child's safety is paramount. What boundaries can you set so that your child (and you) stay safe?
You can take him back/forgive him, but you will get more of the same. Can you work on a list of what is unacceptable behavior (for anyone to do around you or your child) and what action you will take if your husband exhibits any of those behaviors? That will help clarify things.
It hurts so much that I can't help my husband that I love. That I can't protect him or fix him or get him to see...but I can't. All I can do is let go of trying to have him be someone he doesn't want to be. He wants to be who he is (dang it!).
Good luck! Stick around and read and post some more!
Hugs,
Wife
I'm so glad you came to post. There are plenty more wonderful folk that will be along soon to support and encourage you.
Your feelings of distrust and anger are perfectly valid. That's a normal reaction. Your guilt, on the other hand, you can chuck!
He is his own person that makes his own choices and you couldn't have predicted this before today.Your husband has shown with his actions that he does not make safe decisions regarding himself or your child. That is a shame and we all mourn the loss of the "good" husband (or father or child or grandmother or whomever!) for this alcoholic one. Unfortunately, you can't fix him and alcoholism is progressive, so the chances are he will make more bad decisions.
Your child's safety is paramount. What boundaries can you set so that your child (and you) stay safe?
You can take him back/forgive him, but you will get more of the same. Can you work on a list of what is unacceptable behavior (for anyone to do around you or your child) and what action you will take if your husband exhibits any of those behaviors? That will help clarify things.
It hurts so much that I can't help my husband that I love. That I can't protect him or fix him or get him to see...but I can't. All I can do is let go of trying to have him be someone he doesn't want to be. He wants to be who he is (dang it!).
Good luck! Stick around and read and post some more!
Hugs,
Wife
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SoberRecovery Family!
I'm sorry that your husbands alcoholism brought you here, but thankful that you have found us. You will find support, information and understanding for yourself here.
Please be gentle and loving with yourself. You DID NOT CAUSE THIS!
His drinking = His choice
His driving drunk = His choice
His driving drunk with baby = His choice
His choices = His consequences
As an adult, he needs to be given the opportunity to deal with his consequences.
You have been a supportive spouse and stayed with him for better and worse. You have done the best you could.
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. I still find lots of wisdom in the permanent posts at the top of this forum (called sticky posts).
Taking life one day at a time,
Pelican
I'm sorry that your husbands alcoholism brought you here, but thankful that you have found us. You will find support, information and understanding for yourself here.
Please be gentle and loving with yourself. You DID NOT CAUSE THIS!
His drinking = His choice
His driving drunk = His choice
His driving drunk with baby = His choice
His choices = His consequences
As an adult, he needs to be given the opportunity to deal with his consequences.
You have been a supportive spouse and stayed with him for better and worse. You have done the best you could.
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. I still find lots of wisdom in the permanent posts at the top of this forum (called sticky posts).
Taking life one day at a time,
Pelican
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 14
Thank you for all of your comments and support. They all help to put things into perspective. I know what I need to do. I was a strong person, but have been beaten down by this disease for too long. I have to stop doubting myself, and my ability to make important life-changing decisions for myself and my kids. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Honey, altho not all of us have the same story, each person here has lived with the pain, chaos and misery of a loved one's alcoholism. I will bet that every one of us has also had the "guilts", either for what we didn't do or what we did or thought, and those guilts held us often in a dead end relationship.
Put the guilt aside right now... you were ill, your son was in his FATHER'S care, the man who above all others is supposed to protect his son. The fact that he drank, was beyond thinking about anything other than that drinking IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Now that you know that, you can take what steps you need to take to keep your family safe from his dangerous actions.
As for your 15 year old, Oh my dear Lord, how he must feel at his father's behavior.
Your ah having to quit as coach is hurtful and embarassing for your elder son, and you, but IT IS AH's PROBLEM that caused this to be, and his problem to fix.
If your husband is sincere in his seeking help via church/AA then there may be hope for his recovery, and healing for his actions. Whatever he does, you also need help to cope and Alanon can help so much, as does coming to SR.
You are not alone, as those who have walked this path will walk it with you, and boy don't we know where the rocks and holes are...because we have tripped and fallen in our journey along it.
God bless
Put the guilt aside right now... you were ill, your son was in his FATHER'S care, the man who above all others is supposed to protect his son. The fact that he drank, was beyond thinking about anything other than that drinking IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Now that you know that, you can take what steps you need to take to keep your family safe from his dangerous actions.
As for your 15 year old, Oh my dear Lord, how he must feel at his father's behavior.
Your ah having to quit as coach is hurtful and embarassing for your elder son, and you, but IT IS AH's PROBLEM that caused this to be, and his problem to fix.
If your husband is sincere in his seeking help via church/AA then there may be hope for his recovery, and healing for his actions. Whatever he does, you also need help to cope and Alanon can help so much, as does coming to SR.
You are not alone, as those who have walked this path will walk it with you, and boy don't we know where the rocks and holes are...because we have tripped and fallen in our journey along it.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Wise and loving words spoken up there.
Fathers are expected to get up with their children sometimes. That's the way it is in normal families. You now have a new normal.
I am glad he sees he needs to renew his commitment to sobriety, but I wanna say that I think marital counseling is a really good idea. You have resentments, and you need some boundaries, and maybe a "what to do if" plan (due to his history) put in place. I think doing this with the aid of a professional would be great.
Fathers are expected to get up with their children sometimes. That's the way it is in normal families. You now have a new normal.
I am glad he sees he needs to renew his commitment to sobriety, but I wanna say that I think marital counseling is a really good idea. You have resentments, and you need some boundaries, and maybe a "what to do if" plan (due to his history) put in place. I think doing this with the aid of a professional would be great.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 14
I looked into joining al-anon online, but I don't see that it is possible. Does anyone know of sites where online forums for al-anon is handled? My AH attended his first AA meeting last night. He came back pretty weepy, said it was tough, tougher than he ever imagined. He also said he wished he had done it 5 years ago. I couldn't agree more. Thanks for the support! I need it so much right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I just looked up al-anon in our phone book.
Good luck. It will make all the difference in giving you the strength to keep on living and raising your children.
And I am glad that your husband is so willing to go for his own program.
Good luck. It will make all the difference in giving you the strength to keep on living and raising your children.
And I am glad that your husband is so willing to go for his own program.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
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