light at the end of the tunnel...an update
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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light at the end of the tunnel...an update
hello sr family-
well, it's january now. i left my abf last march. i feel myself coming back now. i forgot how much i enjoy my own company. it feels so good to be away from abf and his whole lifestyle. i realize now it wasn't only him who was toxic, it was also his toxic friends. i do not miss the depressed energy nor the highs and the lows.
i've had many offers from other men, but at this point, i know i am best solo. and it feels good. i'm eating healthy, sleeping, making sure i get some daily sunshine, doing simple yoga. my mom is going to buy me a juicer and i'm excited to start juicing fruits and vegetables. i want to be healthy and strong.
my broken shoulder is healing now and i can do six push ups! i am going to rehabilitate it by swimming. it took 7 months but i am no longer in pain. i don't have the same flexibility but i think i can get that back if i discipline myself. it's one of my goals for this year to get back to 100% strong, body mind and soul.
financially, i am poor but it's ok. i feel the years of built-up resentment leaving me now and i'm left with compasssion for all of those within the grasp of alcohol.
i went 5 months without a drink, but now i take one occassionally. for myself, those 5 months sober were critical as my life was spinning out of control and i needed to get back in the driver's seat.
as for xABF, he parties on. i heard he was leaving the town, which would be great. he has a new lover who is like him. i don't know her, but i know that she is a heavy drinker, she looks aged even tho she is younger than i, her house is filthy and she is known for her street fighting.
i feel neutral about it. my heart doesn't hurt anymore.
i look forward to the springtime and my new home has a big yard. i'm going to plant some vegetables and watch them grow. i have a boombox and i look forward to doing some gymanastic tumbling in my new yard, once my arm is strong enough. i used to be a gymnast, so the broken shoulder was really a hit to me.
the townsfolk are a split bag. it's a small place and xABF is the local. i have been surprised by the number of people who have abandoned me and believe his lies and i have also been surprised at those who have helped me. lately, i have been receiving the tip-offs as i go down the street, as to if xABF is about. this is great, as i can change my course and avoid him.
so, i guess this whole thing has shown me who my friends are and who the fake friends are. valuable lesson indeed.
xABF sold my car last week, i was told by his brother. and you know what? i don't care. it was the last thing outstanding and now it's over. he gave me none of the profits but i am glad because what is the cost of the anxiety and lost sleep wondering if he would actually rip me off once more. so he did. fine. it's finished and i actually am glad it's finished so i don't have to think about it anymore. it's a relief actually.
i think i'm coming out of the woods now.
i saw xABF yesterday. he beckoned me over. i took a good look at him, standing there wearing the shoes i bought him, the shirt i bought him. he had a new tattoo on his neck, he looked desperate. i looked him in the eyes and then turned away. it's not that i am indifferent to his suffering but what can i say that has not already been said?
there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me. i know who he is too, and it's not what i want for myself.
so friends, that's the update. i couldn't have done it without you and i seek to return what has been given me here.
naive
well, it's january now. i left my abf last march. i feel myself coming back now. i forgot how much i enjoy my own company. it feels so good to be away from abf and his whole lifestyle. i realize now it wasn't only him who was toxic, it was also his toxic friends. i do not miss the depressed energy nor the highs and the lows.
i've had many offers from other men, but at this point, i know i am best solo. and it feels good. i'm eating healthy, sleeping, making sure i get some daily sunshine, doing simple yoga. my mom is going to buy me a juicer and i'm excited to start juicing fruits and vegetables. i want to be healthy and strong.
my broken shoulder is healing now and i can do six push ups! i am going to rehabilitate it by swimming. it took 7 months but i am no longer in pain. i don't have the same flexibility but i think i can get that back if i discipline myself. it's one of my goals for this year to get back to 100% strong, body mind and soul.
financially, i am poor but it's ok. i feel the years of built-up resentment leaving me now and i'm left with compasssion for all of those within the grasp of alcohol.
i went 5 months without a drink, but now i take one occassionally. for myself, those 5 months sober were critical as my life was spinning out of control and i needed to get back in the driver's seat.
as for xABF, he parties on. i heard he was leaving the town, which would be great. he has a new lover who is like him. i don't know her, but i know that she is a heavy drinker, she looks aged even tho she is younger than i, her house is filthy and she is known for her street fighting.
i feel neutral about it. my heart doesn't hurt anymore.
i look forward to the springtime and my new home has a big yard. i'm going to plant some vegetables and watch them grow. i have a boombox and i look forward to doing some gymanastic tumbling in my new yard, once my arm is strong enough. i used to be a gymnast, so the broken shoulder was really a hit to me.
the townsfolk are a split bag. it's a small place and xABF is the local. i have been surprised by the number of people who have abandoned me and believe his lies and i have also been surprised at those who have helped me. lately, i have been receiving the tip-offs as i go down the street, as to if xABF is about. this is great, as i can change my course and avoid him.
so, i guess this whole thing has shown me who my friends are and who the fake friends are. valuable lesson indeed.
xABF sold my car last week, i was told by his brother. and you know what? i don't care. it was the last thing outstanding and now it's over. he gave me none of the profits but i am glad because what is the cost of the anxiety and lost sleep wondering if he would actually rip me off once more. so he did. fine. it's finished and i actually am glad it's finished so i don't have to think about it anymore. it's a relief actually.
i think i'm coming out of the woods now.
i saw xABF yesterday. he beckoned me over. i took a good look at him, standing there wearing the shoes i bought him, the shirt i bought him. he had a new tattoo on his neck, he looked desperate. i looked him in the eyes and then turned away. it's not that i am indifferent to his suffering but what can i say that has not already been said?
there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me. i know who he is too, and it's not what i want for myself.
so friends, that's the update. i couldn't have done it without you and i seek to return what has been given me here.
naive
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
thanks catlover. it feels good to be making small acheivable goals. it felt good to look him in the eyes and not cower as usual. i remain grateful to you for your straight talk when i was on my knees. yours sincerely, naive
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
The very interesting thing is that those "small achievable goals" are seemingly small and insignificant from a tangible standpoint, but from an intangible standpoint, they represent huge shifts in paradigm, and enormous bursts of self-empowerment.
CLMI
CLMI
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catlover, you're right (as usual, i could add). i feel my power coming back as i reflect on what is it i want out of life, what's important to me. a year ago, i was crisis managing, putting fires out left and right, struggling to keep the very roof over our head.
now, i have the luxury of no drama, now that the reset button has been hit.
having nothing is a very good starting point. from down on one's knees, there is nowhere to go but up.
i know there is more yet to unfold. i begin now to take stock of how this happened because i don't want it to happen again. that's why i've made the decision to go solo.
i really believe if you can't stand alone, you can't stand at all. that said, a few loyal friends have stood by me thru thick and thin. i can count them on one hand but they have stood the test of actually having to make a sacrifice for me and all the others are gone now.
in many ways, i feel i have come out stronger. i had to make some very tough choices under intense pressure. i had to humble myself to ask for help. i prayed the whole way thru, requesting guidance to do what was best for everyone.
and at every dark corner, a new door opened once i let go and surrendered everything to my HP and put the whole mess into his hands. once i let go and admitted i was powerless over alcohol, once i raised the white flag of surrender, things started moving and i was helped every single desperate night. it's hard to put into words really.
now, i have the luxury of no drama, now that the reset button has been hit.
having nothing is a very good starting point. from down on one's knees, there is nowhere to go but up.
i know there is more yet to unfold. i begin now to take stock of how this happened because i don't want it to happen again. that's why i've made the decision to go solo.
i really believe if you can't stand alone, you can't stand at all. that said, a few loyal friends have stood by me thru thick and thin. i can count them on one hand but they have stood the test of actually having to make a sacrifice for me and all the others are gone now.
in many ways, i feel i have come out stronger. i had to make some very tough choices under intense pressure. i had to humble myself to ask for help. i prayed the whole way thru, requesting guidance to do what was best for everyone.
and at every dark corner, a new door opened once i let go and surrendered everything to my HP and put the whole mess into his hands. once i let go and admitted i was powerless over alcohol, once i raised the white flag of surrender, things started moving and i was helped every single desperate night. it's hard to put into words really.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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i don't know how to celebrate together, but here's my best internet try...
YouTube - Aretha Franklin - Rock Steady [1971] [HDTV]
YouTube - Aretha Franklin - Rock Steady [1971] [HDTV]
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I often find it really hard to say encouraging and complimentary things to someone with a journey like yours, because I fear the words I'd use could sound smug or patronizing, but wouldn't be meant that way at all. But I will say there is great reason to celebrate, having seen a portion of your journey and where you are today, versus where you could otherwise have been. I think you will look back and see how you were strengthened from the experiences, and be glad in the end of the result of this in your life, although nobody would wish the suffering you had on another person.
Your journey has been inspirational, and to see you now share it with others who are coming in similar to the way you came in, now from the other side, is very powerful for me to observe.
I look forward to the types of things you'll be saying in another 6-12 months, even.
I do think yours is a journey to celebrate.
I often see your posts and think, "'Naive,' no longer! Time for a name change!"
CLMI
Your journey has been inspirational, and to see you now share it with others who are coming in similar to the way you came in, now from the other side, is very powerful for me to observe.
I look forward to the types of things you'll be saying in another 6-12 months, even.
I do think yours is a journey to celebrate.
I often see your posts and think, "'Naive,' no longer! Time for a name change!"
CLMI
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
thanks for your continued support, jadmack and catlover-
what can i say except i feel love flowing thru me for everyone here. i don't know where i would be now without this place...maybe crippled or dead by fire or insane.
may the others find us and come into the safety and strength given so freely and selflessly here. this is my prayer today.
i recall clearly the moment my confused mind made a decison to follow the advice here. i thought to myself "it is obvious to me that i can't think straight anymore but these people seem to be able to."
i remember very clearly typing my first post. i read over it in my haze and thought "dear me"" and hit the send button.
i don't know if i can ever repay what has been given to me, but i'm gonna try.
naive
what can i say except i feel love flowing thru me for everyone here. i don't know where i would be now without this place...maybe crippled or dead by fire or insane.
may the others find us and come into the safety and strength given so freely and selflessly here. this is my prayer today.
i recall clearly the moment my confused mind made a decison to follow the advice here. i thought to myself "it is obvious to me that i can't think straight anymore but these people seem to be able to."
i remember very clearly typing my first post. i read over it in my haze and thought "dear me"" and hit the send button.
i don't know if i can ever repay what has been given to me, but i'm gonna try.
naive
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by naive 
i don't know if i can ever repay what has been given to me, but i'm gonna try.
naive
i went back and glimpsed at some of your threads, and i am amazed. you have apparently been transformed, and it is an inspiration to me for one, and surely others will come along that you can touch. your peaceful life sounds so good right now, and reminds me of how i felt when my (now-ex) husband first moved out.
thank you for shining your light
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Oh Naive (definitely NOT naive!) what an inspirational post! Would that I were where you are right now. I particularly loved this line of yours:
now, i have the luxury of no drama
I was also struck by how eloquently you stated just how entrenched we are by our alcoholics. Amazing how much we allow them to steal from us emotionally.
The good news is... according to your post, and looking at my own progress, is that we DO make progress. Sometimes more slowly than we'd like, but it didn't take us 10 minutes to get here, so it may take a while to heal and grow.
I am SO proud of you, inspired by you, and glad that we're part of the SR family together!
HUGE HUGS!
Tigger
now, i have the luxury of no drama
I was also struck by how eloquently you stated just how entrenched we are by our alcoholics. Amazing how much we allow them to steal from us emotionally.
The good news is... according to your post, and looking at my own progress, is that we DO make progress. Sometimes more slowly than we'd like, but it didn't take us 10 minutes to get here, so it may take a while to heal and grow.
I am SO proud of you, inspired by you, and glad that we're part of the SR family together!
HUGE HUGS!
Tigger
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
I am so happy that you have found peace and health and joy...we know it was a really difficult journey for you and applaud your having stayed the course - I can only hope that I am writing something similar within the next year. I can only hope that I too can gather the strength and follow through needed to reach the goal you have.
Keep up the good work. I send my love and gratitude.
D
Keep up the good work. I send my love and gratitude.
D
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Your post makes me happy Naive. I can't tell you how much you worried me a few times there.
I can so relate to the just being glad it's over thing too. I've lost everything I own, and at this point - it's still worth it - to be away from that nightmare. If I never get it back, so be it.
I can so relate to the just being glad it's over thing too. I've lost everything I own, and at this point - it's still worth it - to be away from that nightmare. If I never get it back, so be it.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Naive - I went back and read your introductory thread. gosh, what a heartbreaking story you had and NOW you are free again. You are an incredible inspiration to all of us and I'm so proud of you for pulling your life together the way that you have.
Are you English or American? Why don't you move back to the States to be near your family?
Are you English or American? Why don't you move back to the States to be near your family?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
((((((((((((((((((((((naive)))))))))))))))))))))))
I love reading your posts and you have become such a vital and experienced voice for gfs/bfs of alcoholics.
there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me. i know who he is too, and it's not what i want for myself.
YOU TOTALLY ROCK!
You've come a long way baby....thanks for your generosity sharing here.
peace-
b.
I love reading your posts and you have become such a vital and experienced voice for gfs/bfs of alcoholics.
there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me. i know who he is too, and it's not what i want for myself.
YOU TOTALLY ROCK!
You've come a long way baby....thanks for your generosity sharing here.
peace-
b.
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