Frustrated with myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
Frustrated with myself.
I feel a little like a broken record here, like I'm blowing up the forums with the same problem. I've posted briefly about this the other day.
My exAH and I broke up quite some time ago, due to his alcoholism. Of course, in his eyes, it was entirely a different story. We tried to maintain a friendship, but I was blinded by still being in love with him and wanting what's best for him, which of course involved me being all up in his business, trying to control the situation "out of love," of course.
So I picked up Ms. Beattie's book, and I hit these forums up hard, and the ex and I didn't talk for a number of months. It's off and on, we mainly chat online, as we live in separate cities. So I'm feeling stronger, feeling like my life's sorta getting some control back, I don't wander around sick with worry, I don't go to bed sad, and wake up worried every day like I was before, and over the last few days we've recently had contact, and I was able to utilize my skills I've learned from here, and the book I'm reading, such as a couple times he tried baiting me into an argument (he's naturally a debator anyway) but rather than giving him a reaction, I just kind of was like "huh, that sucks. So how are your folks?" Just moved right along. Surprisingly, leaving him to his own thing has worked wonders - for both of us. It's not that I don't care about him, or worry about him, it's just this realization that I can't be responsible for his actions, or what he chooses to do in his life. So yeah, two convos over the last few days, have been great. We laugh, we carry on about music, whatever, right?
So last night, we're chatting a bit, and the convo goes a little beyond the realm of "friends," if you will, mainly just sexual in nature. He tells me something like, "Well I just don't want to lead you on." I'm like ? Lead me on? (We've been broken up for eighteen months.) "Well yeah, I mean.. I miss you, I miss our times together, I think about you sometimes, but I don't know that I'm convinced that we'll be together again."
Now this is where I start to feel like an idiot. A few things bug me here. 1.) Uh, he's just assuming that I'm interested in getting back together with him? He thinks I'm just going to be around whenever? 2.) Who was talking about getting back together? 3.) He's an active alcoholic, and was drunk when we were talking online (I know this because he's drunk pretty much every night.)
I know the reality is, I should take everything he says as a grain of salt, because he's not even sober, and who knows what he's saying. I could sit here and analyze til the cows come home, about how I dont think he's really over us, how i'm probably not totally over him, blah blah blah... But it doesn't really matter, because he's not in any sort of program, we're still at square one that caused us all our problems to begin with. So it's all really moot. So if I know all this, why am I sitting here mulling it over and over again? I'd like to think that I'm happy that we were actually able to have a decent conversation, for once, minus fighting and worry. I really don't want to get stuck in the rut where I was before, and read too deeply into what he's saying, and drive myself insane again. At the same time, it's not like I want to just shove him out of my life, either, I mean, he meant a lot to me. I feel like I may be wanna keep the distance.
I dont even know what the point of this post is, hehe. Today's been a rough day with some other personal family stuff, so when that happens, I have a tendency to start picking at EVERYTHING that could possibly bother me. I guess in a way, it bothers me that my ex seems to have this narcissistic thing going where he thinks I should be so lucky to have him as my boyfriend, when in reality, it's so the other way around. At the risk of sounding martyr-ish, I put up with *so much crap* because I cared for him and wanted to see us through, in hopes we could get through this. I realize now, of course, there's nothing I can do, but the vitrolic bitch in me wants to tell him yeah what'd you contribute aside from dickish comments, zero responsibility, and a couple bottles of wine a night? Oh, right. That'd be zero. Of course that's not totally true, but man, he just has no idea how good he had it!
I guess this turned into more of a venting session. :P
My exAH and I broke up quite some time ago, due to his alcoholism. Of course, in his eyes, it was entirely a different story. We tried to maintain a friendship, but I was blinded by still being in love with him and wanting what's best for him, which of course involved me being all up in his business, trying to control the situation "out of love," of course.
So I picked up Ms. Beattie's book, and I hit these forums up hard, and the ex and I didn't talk for a number of months. It's off and on, we mainly chat online, as we live in separate cities. So I'm feeling stronger, feeling like my life's sorta getting some control back, I don't wander around sick with worry, I don't go to bed sad, and wake up worried every day like I was before, and over the last few days we've recently had contact, and I was able to utilize my skills I've learned from here, and the book I'm reading, such as a couple times he tried baiting me into an argument (he's naturally a debator anyway) but rather than giving him a reaction, I just kind of was like "huh, that sucks. So how are your folks?" Just moved right along. Surprisingly, leaving him to his own thing has worked wonders - for both of us. It's not that I don't care about him, or worry about him, it's just this realization that I can't be responsible for his actions, or what he chooses to do in his life. So yeah, two convos over the last few days, have been great. We laugh, we carry on about music, whatever, right?
So last night, we're chatting a bit, and the convo goes a little beyond the realm of "friends," if you will, mainly just sexual in nature. He tells me something like, "Well I just don't want to lead you on." I'm like ? Lead me on? (We've been broken up for eighteen months.) "Well yeah, I mean.. I miss you, I miss our times together, I think about you sometimes, but I don't know that I'm convinced that we'll be together again."
Now this is where I start to feel like an idiot. A few things bug me here. 1.) Uh, he's just assuming that I'm interested in getting back together with him? He thinks I'm just going to be around whenever? 2.) Who was talking about getting back together? 3.) He's an active alcoholic, and was drunk when we were talking online (I know this because he's drunk pretty much every night.)
I know the reality is, I should take everything he says as a grain of salt, because he's not even sober, and who knows what he's saying. I could sit here and analyze til the cows come home, about how I dont think he's really over us, how i'm probably not totally over him, blah blah blah... But it doesn't really matter, because he's not in any sort of program, we're still at square one that caused us all our problems to begin with. So it's all really moot. So if I know all this, why am I sitting here mulling it over and over again? I'd like to think that I'm happy that we were actually able to have a decent conversation, for once, minus fighting and worry. I really don't want to get stuck in the rut where I was before, and read too deeply into what he's saying, and drive myself insane again. At the same time, it's not like I want to just shove him out of my life, either, I mean, he meant a lot to me. I feel like I may be wanna keep the distance.
I dont even know what the point of this post is, hehe. Today's been a rough day with some other personal family stuff, so when that happens, I have a tendency to start picking at EVERYTHING that could possibly bother me. I guess in a way, it bothers me that my ex seems to have this narcissistic thing going where he thinks I should be so lucky to have him as my boyfriend, when in reality, it's so the other way around. At the risk of sounding martyr-ish, I put up with *so much crap* because I cared for him and wanted to see us through, in hopes we could get through this. I realize now, of course, there's nothing I can do, but the vitrolic bitch in me wants to tell him yeah what'd you contribute aside from dickish comments, zero responsibility, and a couple bottles of wine a night? Oh, right. That'd be zero. Of course that's not totally true, but man, he just has no idea how good he had it!
I guess this turned into more of a venting session. :P
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
One thing that has helped me is I had tattooed on my forehead so I could see it every time I went pee (okay not really, but it was a good idea), "In what ways (that I prefer) am I expecting him to be right now?" Because any upset on my part is an indication that I am not accepting who he is AS IS.
Your ex boyfriend is who he is and was. He hasn't magically changed just because you have been separated for a few months.
Why did you separate back then?
Nothing has changed.
What are you expecting/hoping for?
Sometimes I have that feeling - I'm going to go "get myself fixed" with SR and Melody Beattie and the Steps and therapy...
...and then I can go back with MORE tools/power/ability/ideas to fix him!
Oops. That's not the purpose. Its still not about him. He still gets to be who he is. He's still an alcoholic that doesn't want to change and doesn't take responsibility. Right. I almost forgot.
And when I thought I had REALLY let go of my attachment to him being a certain way or working with me or being a better/different person or whatever I want to fix/change/complain about, I realize there is MORE letting go to do.
Who am I becoming? What do I want in my life?
I get to leave him be.
Love YOU.
Allow the universe to be what it is.
Let go some more.
Trust that you are okay.
Hugs,
Wife
Your ex boyfriend is who he is and was. He hasn't magically changed just because you have been separated for a few months.
Why did you separate back then?
Nothing has changed.
What are you expecting/hoping for?
Sometimes I have that feeling - I'm going to go "get myself fixed" with SR and Melody Beattie and the Steps and therapy...
...and then I can go back with MORE tools/power/ability/ideas to fix him!
Oops. That's not the purpose. Its still not about him. He still gets to be who he is. He's still an alcoholic that doesn't want to change and doesn't take responsibility. Right. I almost forgot.
And when I thought I had REALLY let go of my attachment to him being a certain way or working with me or being a better/different person or whatever I want to fix/change/complain about, I realize there is MORE letting go to do.
Who am I becoming? What do I want in my life?
I get to leave him be.
Love YOU.
Allow the universe to be what it is.
Let go some more.
Trust that you are okay.
Hugs,
Wife
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by grrl77 
I guess in a way, it bothers me that my ex seems to have this narcissistic thing going where he thinks I should be so lucky to have him as my boyfriend, when in reality, it's so the other way around. :P
He's not going to. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his personality/disease. I know its frustrating to you that he doesn't see it, and the likelihood is he never will.
So then the question is, what do you gain from this continued contact with him? Do you want to feel angry and frustrated every time you have a conversation with him?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You mention that it’s on and off………….that may be the key to your frustration. You have one foot forward – doing all these wonderful things for yourself, reading and discovering more about yourself, posting here and utililng new skills. YET you still have one foot back there…………….maybe it’s time to bring them feet together and move in one direction only.
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