cassandra2

Tonight a boundary I have set with one of my RABF's sisters was tested AGAIN today.

This was a boundary that both myself and my RABF had set in place months ago. When we started to get back together our daughter had been spending alot of time with one of his sisters. This included special trips to the zoo, shopping, buying special presents for no reason etc.....

Now this wasnt a problem with ME before we got back together because my other children were not apart of the equation for obvious reasons. So when me and RABF got back together I said from now on all of that special attention needs to STOP. If she wants to take the baby then she has to be willing to not only extend the offer to my other kids but follow through with it.

Now this has continued with the sister buying special things for the baby but NO ONE else and there are 5 other nieces aside from my kids. So fine I cant control if she goes out and buys a toy or some clothes or a jacket or whatever else it is that she picks up, but I can control the whole "oh only the baby can go because she is my favorite" bs....

So tonight the RABF sends a text asking if the baby (who is 2) can go with his sister to the MONSTER TRUCK RALLEY!!!!!! Of course only the baby is invited. I firmly told him its not fair and I am NOT doing that to the other kids. I think he knew what my response would be but just thought he would try.

Now here is the thing that I realized in all of this.

Its damn hard for us codies to feel "comfortable" enforcing boundaries because it goes against what we are accustomed to doing. It makes us back up our words with actions. It makes us accountable to ourselves. And I am sorry but if any of you are codierrific like me then you KNOW how HARD that is to do. In fact how many times have many of us come here or to other "normal" people in our lives to get confirmation that we did the right thing in standing up for what we believe in or what we will no longer tolerate?

Anyway, I felt pretty damn good about myself at first and then went right into codie mode about did I do the right thing? Whats the big deal? Am I just being a b**ch? Is it just me being controlling?

Then the more I thought about I started to think of my childhood and how my grandmother used to do this with me and my cousin. And let me tell you it was nice being showered with gifts and rubbing it in my cousins face (you know kids stuff) but now we talk about it as adults and she has told me how much that hurt her. I NEVER want my kids to be hurt like that especially if I can prevent. And if I look like a B**CH then so be it.

The sister has issues of her own which I wont get into but there is ALOT more behind the scenes going on then just her wanting to shower my baby with gifts. I read it all HERE....Why certain people play the games they play.

I know what her motivation is and let me tell you its not nice. I choose not to allow my children to be casualties in her effort to feel better about herself.

I just wanted to vent and perhaps get some feedback on why its hard for others to enforce boundaries.....

Spiritual Seeker

Ask your other kids if they mind the attention the baby gets from the aunt.
Ask them in a neutral way w/o giving your opinion/
Actually see how they feel about it or if they are bothered by it.

cassandra2

Had that conversation. They have said it bothers them. The nieces have even said that it bothers them also....

Chino

My daughter is the only person I ever had trouble dealing with. She is very vocal and loud when whining or ranting. I couldn't kick her out when she was underage and sending her to her room always turned into a nightmare, she just got worse. Since I couldn't beat the crap out of her, which is what I wanted to do, I tried to ignore everything. That became a very bad habit on my part.

outtolunch

My first reaction, too. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile for a two year old at a monstor truck rally.

I respect that you are insisting that she treat all your children the same for all the obvious reasons.

coffeedrinker

Being the "nice guy", "pushover", "whimp" that I generally am, when something is very important, such as this, I tend to preface the statement with and "I'm sorry, but.." and a "thank you for.....but we have a rule" or something to that effect. It makes it easier for me to spit it out.

cassandra2

I guess for me I have always questioned myself. Even when I know without a shadow of a doubt I am doing the right thing.

I think that stems from my alcoholic mother always questioning my decisions. Everytime I made a move she wondered out loud to me whether I had made the right decision. Then this voice inside of me would start talking in my head and make me question myself...Did I do the right thing? Even when I knew with every fiber of my being that at that moment in time I had done what I thought was right.

Now today I know that I made the right decision. So today I started telling myself that having these boundaries may NOT please another person, but who gives a sh*t. This is MY boundary to protect myself and my kids. I cannot and will not tolerate bad treatment to any of my kids. I did that for tooooo long by staying in an abusive marriage...

I just wondered if others had the same inner conflict or difficulty in enforcing boundaries.

The aunt is no longer speaking to me. And you know what that makes her an ass and not very much of a woman especially if she is giving me the silent treatment. I have told her this before that I will not tolerate it anymore. I have given her the opportunity to know why I do it. To bad she cant deal with it.