iwantcontrol

So, my boyfriend has been doing quite well so far this year. He hasn't been completely drunk yet at all, and as far as I know has only drank alcohol once, but it may be more. Even so, he has managed to control it and has not been drunk. While I know this is good, I am expecting the inevitable. He can't keep that up for long and I am jsut waiting for the big blow out. I'm trying to not get carried away but that is easier said than done. I'm happy he seems to be coping with it better, but want to stay realistic.

When the inevitable happens and he gets drunk and lies about it again, I'm just now sure how to react. I will feel disappointed and upset, and I know at first I'll feel like it is the end of the world, and that it means he will never get sober so we can't possibly work etc etc. But really it isn't the end of the world is it? I'm still quite new to all of this, and am trying to figure out how best to deal with these situations.

Do I get angry at him? Tell him I'm disappointed, or that it is OK and that he shouldn't worry too much about it? I just don't know the most beneficial approach (beneficial both for me and him). I don't think there is any point getting really angry and going on and on about it, but I can't just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. I don't want to make him feel even more guilty, but he needs to know it is not OK.

Any help is most welcome. I don't mean to sound so negative about it all -but I want to try to be realistic. I have faith in him but I have had faith in him before. Thanks for reading.

LaTeeDa

Just to make sure I understand what you're asking.........

You want advice on how to react to something that hasn't happened yet? Is that what you're asking?

L

iwantcontrol

It sounds mad but that does seem to be what I'm asking. I know it will happen at some point and I know my instinctive reactions aren't going to help. They will make the situation much worse, so I want to work out the best, calm way to respond, that will make it less horrible. I hope that makes sense.

LaTeeDa

I find the best way to respond to life is to live. None of us can predict the future or control what another person might or might not do. I guess what I'm saying is if you focus on living your own life, doing what makes you happy and moves you toward whatever your goals are, then you will learn how to take life as it comes. From that position, you can respond--in the way that is best for you--to any situation that comes up.

L

iwantcontrol

Thanks, I know I sometimes need to relax more and just takes things as they come, but I am a planner and I like to know where I stand. Like right now, I can't get hold of him on the phone and I suspect he might be drinking. I've been panicking and obsessing about it for hours now. I just can't seem to find a good way of dealing with it. Especially as I don't really know if he is drinking or just asleep.

LaTeeDa

So, if he is drinking, how is your panicking and obsessing going to help? Does it change anything? No. It only ruins your day. How about going on about your life and your business and let him go about his?

L

transformyself

Love your title. The End of The World?

could be. you coming here, posting and hearing all this sage wisdom could be the end of a world where you've imprisoned for god knows how long. Freedom, peace and joy lie in these pages. Welcome.

stella27

Waiting for the other shoe to drop was miserable. I spent all my time in knots. I wish you a better life than that. ((hugs))

enlightened

IWC,

Is it any way to live your life with your gut instinct telling you he will fail? You obviously can't live with that. I share your experience. I didn't want to put up with the inevitable lies and deceit any longer. Past behavior predicts future behavior. Don't live your life on a roller coaster of emotions. There are many men in the world that are adults w/o the issues that your BF has. Why are you so worried about he will feel when and if he fails? NOT your issue! Don't waste your time wondering what he's up to. NOT your issue! Take care of yourself. If it doesn't feel right, than it isn't. Set up concrete boundries, if he crosses them..you have a choice. Go on living always wondering when the next bomb will hit, or, live you life peacefully without him.

hello-kitty

My life was out of control because of my need to control someone elses behavior. I learned that the only things I could control were my actions and my reactions. I learned that if I didn't own it, I had to let it go very quickly. I had to teach myself new behaviors. I had to practice them over and over until I got them right. to this day, i am still learning how to control myself - when to let go, how to let go.

I gained a lot of control over my actions and reactions by writing down my personal boundaries and what I would do if someone violated them. It took the focus off others and put it on me.

Maybe ask yourself - What are my values? What are my boundaries? What kind of behavior am I willing to accept in my life? what kind of people do I want to surround myself with?

Maybe, learning as much about yourself as possible will reduce your need to control others and help you feel more in control of yourself... just a thought.

At least it will keep you busy and take your attention off him for a while.

iwantcontrol

Thanks for the welcome - it helps to be on the forum, even if it is just to be able to be honest about what is going on.

Stella27 - that has hit the nail on the head - I feel like I am in knots every time I can't get hold of him. This cant go on.

I know it doesn't help obsessing about it, but I find it so hard to get on with my own things when this is happening. It is so damn irritating. I was starting to wonder whether it is all about drinking, or whether part of me thinks that he might get so drunk that he cheats on me. Perhaps that is why I get so worried. Becasue I would not tolerate that at all. There is no way I could forgive him for cheating. It would definitely be over. I'm pretty sure I trust him sober, but drunk I just don't know.

iwantcontrol

Hello-kitty: thanks, that is good advice. I find it hard making boundaries about his drinking becasue i dont really understand what he is trying to achieve. I think he is just trying to cut back on the destructive daytime drinking, and get his normal life back. I don't think he is going for abstinence at the moment. So I find it hard to make boundaries - i can't say I won't tolerate him drinking again, but I guess i can say i wont tolerate the nasty language and behaviour he shows towards me when he has been drinking. I find this very hard to stick to.

LaTeeDa

It doesn't matter what he is trying to achieve. What do you want to achieve? Boundaries are about you, what is unacceptable to you, and what you will do if unacceptable behavior occurs.

What are you trying to achieve?

L

GiveLove

The greatest sanity in my life -- and I too was a world-class controller, as many adult children of alcoholics are -- came when I worked hard and finally developed the strength to set boundaries and keep them.

Part of my obsession was knowing (at that point) that I didn't know how I might react when my ABF crossed a boundary. There was a certain amount of wrecked self-esteem and self-respect because I knew I couldn't trust myself........to protect myself. I was groundless, unprotected. It was awful.

Because I wouldn't protect myself through my actions, I HAD to rely on him to behave a certain way. And in order to get him to behave that way, I had to control, control, control.

The peace I achieved when I could finally say, "If you get drunk and abusive again, I will be forced to end this relationship" -- and absolutely mean it -- was the most amazing feeling. It changed my life.

I hope it's something you too can practice, in small steps, until you get there. You will be so much happier. This is no way to live, is it?

naive

iwantcontrol- you just figure out how you want to be treated and when he crosses that line, you leave. boundaries in a nutshell.

iwantcontrol

That is how I feel now and I do need to work on my boundaries. I guess I'm just too afraid of losing him to see them through. This isn't any way to live - you are very right there. What keeps me going is that he does seem to be trying and things do seem to be improving.

naive

they all say that. see where he is a year from now. that's the ticket.

true love is forever.

iwantcontrol

it does feel like my relationship is with his drinking. i don't want my life consumed by his problems, but i want him in my life. I need to do some serious thinking and work out how to achieve this. Thanks for all your replies - they have really helped. Off to bed now but will check in again tomorrow.

GiveLove

It is very hard, I remember too well how that feeling was: If I can't have this man, it will be the end of the world. It made me act in very disrespectful ways toward myself.

The opposite of that is this: I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who gets drunk and abuses me. I don't care WHO they are. (jude law, the richest man in the world, jesus, gandhi....or this man)

It's a journey to get there, iwantcontrol, not easy by any stretch. We'll walk along with you to keep you company

iwantcontrol

thanks ever so much. it helps knowing other people have got through it. i truly appreciate your post. i get so angry for letting him treat me badly - i've never let anyone speak to me the way he has. it really hurts, even though i know it is the alcohol talking. off to bed now to ponder things........