Awkward Alanon meeting.. What would you do?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Awkward Alanon meeting.. What would you do?
I live in a very small town with 1 Alanon meeting. I used to go weekly for almost 18 months, but took a few months off due to a schedule conflict.
I show up today and a new woman shows up. The problem is this woman has caused my child and I ALOT of trouble a few years ago. This woman caused a bad accident, took zero responsibility for it, and threatened me with a lawsuit if I did not do exactly what she wanted and we were the ones with damaged property not her. She was angry because I dared to question her about her actions. She involved several administrative groups, conducted a smear campaign against me and my kid, and generally wrecked chaos and havoc. I stood my ground and stuck with the truth and after about 8 months of anxiousness on my part and fear of a lawsuit, both administrative groups found her wrong and told her to back off and leave us alone. But the damage was done from the smear campaign...small town.
She has sinced moved on to a new target and is suing my friend for a frivolous matter.
This women has some type of mental problem and I am glad she showed up at Alanon for some help. But.....
I felt unsafe and afraid at the meeting. So I sat through the meeting, shared once, did not give her eye contact, and left five minutes early as I did not want to speak with her since she is a major game player/manipulator.
When I arrived home after some errands, I found that her friend, another Alanon member had called me (I did a reverse number look up). This person has NEVER called me before today. Coincidence?? Maybe but I doubt it.
OK, I'm triggered and all my codie fears are rearing their heads. What would you do?
I show up today and a new woman shows up. The problem is this woman has caused my child and I ALOT of trouble a few years ago. This woman caused a bad accident, took zero responsibility for it, and threatened me with a lawsuit if I did not do exactly what she wanted and we were the ones with damaged property not her. She was angry because I dared to question her about her actions. She involved several administrative groups, conducted a smear campaign against me and my kid, and generally wrecked chaos and havoc. I stood my ground and stuck with the truth and after about 8 months of anxiousness on my part and fear of a lawsuit, both administrative groups found her wrong and told her to back off and leave us alone. But the damage was done from the smear campaign...small town.
She has sinced moved on to a new target and is suing my friend for a frivolous matter.
This women has some type of mental problem and I am glad she showed up at Alanon for some help. But.....
I felt unsafe and afraid at the meeting. So I sat through the meeting, shared once, did not give her eye contact, and left five minutes early as I did not want to speak with her since she is a major game player/manipulator.
When I arrived home after some errands, I found that her friend, another Alanon member had called me (I did a reverse number look up). This person has NEVER called me before today. Coincidence?? Maybe but I doubt it.
OK, I'm triggered and all my codie fears are rearing their heads. What would you do?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
This is just me, but I'd avoid the meetings for a time. But, I'm one of those "run away from conflicts at all costs" kind of people, so perhaps that's the wrong attitude to have. Do you have a sponsor you could discuss this with?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Yes, I am a run away from conflict type too...hence the trigger. But I know this person is a loose cannon and had been so for years and I am afraid of her.
I know I am jumping to a conclusion about the phone call but this person that called was also involved with the smear campaign against me....maybe she was just calling for something else (my gut says be suspicious and I was one to not listen to my gut for a good 20 years) Boy this recovery can be interesting!
I thought of the sponsor but she was there and knows nothing of the conflict with this woman. I don't want to make her aware of it and potentially cause a problem for the manipulative person. Obviously she is in some kind of crisis as she said she had never been to Alanon in our area, and had gone many years ago for awhile elsewhere...so she needs to be there as well.
I think I will try again next week and see what happens.
I know I am jumping to a conclusion about the phone call but this person that called was also involved with the smear campaign against me....maybe she was just calling for something else (my gut says be suspicious and I was one to not listen to my gut for a good 20 years) Boy this recovery can be interesting!
I thought of the sponsor but she was there and knows nothing of the conflict with this woman. I don't want to make her aware of it and potentially cause a problem for the manipulative person. Obviously she is in some kind of crisis as she said she had never been to Alanon in our area, and had gone many years ago for awhile elsewhere...so she needs to be there as well.
I think I will try again next week and see what happens.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I wouldn't run away. I am a codie and a recovering alcoholic. A woman who claims to be a friend of my family has brought myself and family members to court, on not less than three occasions, disputing our care as well as the care of court appointed agencies regarding decisions about my mentally ill brother. She has no reason to do this. She is an alcoholic, a codie herself to my brother and has mental issues.
This woman also conducted a smear campaign against me. She lied to many mutual friends that I had done things I had not done. She has attempted to bring criminal charges against me for things I have not done. They were thrown out in court during a hearing.
Tell your sponsor about this!
I would not under any circumstances avoid my meetings because of this.
Instead, ponder the steps. Is a higher power placing this woman in your life again? Maybe there is a reason for it.
Maybe the rooms of alanon is where you may hear how she percieves her circumstance. Of course, it will not be appropriate for either of you to share about your mutual experience, nor share feelings you have about each other.
This will be a challenge for you, but are not alone in alanon. You are in a group that supports you. Use that support, ask for help. Don't face this crisis alone: that is what alonon is for: to help you face a crisis together with the support of the group.
This woman also conducted a smear campaign against me. She lied to many mutual friends that I had done things I had not done. She has attempted to bring criminal charges against me for things I have not done. They were thrown out in court during a hearing.
Tell your sponsor about this!
I would not under any circumstances avoid my meetings because of this.
Instead, ponder the steps. Is a higher power placing this woman in your life again? Maybe there is a reason for it.
Maybe the rooms of alanon is where you may hear how she percieves her circumstance. Of course, it will not be appropriate for either of you to share about your mutual experience, nor share feelings you have about each other.
This will be a challenge for you, but are not alone in alanon. You are in a group that supports you. Use that support, ask for help. Don't face this crisis alone: that is what alonon is for: to help you face a crisis together with the support of the group.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote from littlefish (((Tell your sponsor about this! I would not under any circumstances avoid my meetings because of this.)))
Agree!!!! I would speak to your sponsor and tell her why you feel threatened at your meetings. This does not breach any rules, but makes your sponsor aware of a problem that is concerning you and may escalate if this woman is as difficult again to you or anyone else. You are only protecting yourself, and your recovery at the meetings, so go for it. If this woman starts her games up, then that is her problem.
As for that "surprise" phone call, yes I would be wary as it is just too much of a chance to be a coincidence.
God bless
Agree!!!! I would speak to your sponsor and tell her why you feel threatened at your meetings. This does not breach any rules, but makes your sponsor aware of a problem that is concerning you and may escalate if this woman is as difficult again to you or anyone else. You are only protecting yourself, and your recovery at the meetings, so go for it. If this woman starts her games up, then that is her problem.
As for that "surprise" phone call, yes I would be wary as it is just too much of a chance to be a coincidence.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Is a higher power placing this woman in your life again? Maybe there is a reason for it.
In any case, you may discover something eye-opening that you didn't know before....like why she is the way she is. And you may grow by being the bigger person. Hard to say unless you try.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by littlefish 
Instead, ponder the steps. Is a higher power placing this woman in your life again? Maybe there is a reason for it.
Anyway, part of my forgiveness plan is praying for help in forgiving certain folks and praying for them. I ask for help in forgiving XAH, this lady, and others. And today she shows up in Alanon, the day I decide to return. HP is up to something~
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123
I have come to a place were I am working on the idea of forgiveness. Not forgetting, but forgiveness and letting go. I read somewhere that forgiveness involves taking that person off of my hook and placing them onto God's hook. My business is taking care of me... not holding grudges and resentments against others.
Anyway, part of my forgiveness plan is praying for help in forgiving certain folks and praying for them. I ask for help in forgiving XAH, this lady, and others. And today she shows up in Alanon, the day I decide to return. HP is up to something~
Anyway, part of my forgiveness plan is praying for help in forgiving certain folks and praying for them. I ask for help in forgiving XAH, this lady, and others. And today she shows up in Alanon, the day I decide to return. HP is up to something~
freya
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
When we are the one who knows better, we must do better.
Don't expand the bad energy...release it.
Don't wrap a story around the future and what could happen...just take it one mtg. at a time.
Maybe if this woman continues going and dedicates herself to al=anon your whole small community will benefit. She robbed you once don't do it to yourself by stopping the mtg. that YOU benefit from
Don't expand the bad energy...release it.
Don't wrap a story around the future and what could happen...just take it one mtg. at a time.
Maybe if this woman continues going and dedicates herself to al=anon your whole small community will benefit. She robbed you once don't do it to yourself by stopping the mtg. that YOU benefit from
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hey Chrysalis, while I agree this is about your recovery and not about her, if you are too focused on her while in the meeting well I don't know if it will be of any help to you anyway. I would join online meetings instead while I work on the anger or resentment towards this person until I can see her and don't feel a thing. But that's just me.
I work with xabf and its hard not to be triggered by the past. What I do sometimes is imagine the person around is his twin. Perhaps a similar visualization can help.
Maybe you can try to imagine this woman that goes to the meeting is the twin of the problematic woman you once knew? and that the one you see around is not the same one that hurt you before.
Hugs!
I work with xabf and its hard not to be triggered by the past. What I do sometimes is imagine the person around is his twin. Perhaps a similar visualization can help.
Maybe you can try to imagine this woman that goes to the meeting is the twin of the problematic woman you once knew? and that the one you see around is not the same one that hurt you before.
Hugs!
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