nodaybut2day

I need some input regarding non-romantic relationships, especially after having disentangled from a very toxic marriage. How do you, knowing your codependent tendencies, approach friendship? Are you more guarded with yourself? Do you watch yourself for recurrence of "codieness"?

I ask specifically because I recently got back in touch with a friend from theatre school, who also happens to be a guy. There is NO romance here, nor was there ever. During my marriage with my XAH, I wasn't "allowed" to have male friends. I know that my XAH's jealousy was warranted because in my past, I had always slept with my male friends. As in, all of them. So, maybe XAH had a reason to be afraid of my guy friends. During the marriage, I pushed away a lot of people, both male and female, and now that I've left, I'm finding that my friends are slowly coming out of the woodwork.

I want to re-establish a healthy social life again, but I'm wondering if it's ok to do so. I guess I still feel like XAH would disapprove. I invited my friend over for dinner (at my parents' house, whoohoo), but for some stupid reason, I feel guilty, and worried that my evil codie side will come out with a vengence.

Is this dumb?

hello-kitty

i'm guessing if it's something he would disapprove of, it's probably a step in the right direction....

However, I would probably slow down on the whole jumping into bed with my male friends. <<wink>>

bookwyrm

I'm more aware of my codie tendancies but I do wrestle with the urge to 'help' more than I ought to with my friends - because I care! I have to keep reminding myself to look after me first and then them, if they want my help. It's starting to feel less unnatural now but I still have a way to go!

One friend's vaccum cleaner isn't working so good and I have to resist the impulse to give her my nearly new one because I don't have as many carpets! She probably wouldn't accept it, she certainly hasn't asked or even hinted at it (just had a moan about hers as you do!) but I'm not going to offer. I'm learning my carpets need to be hoovered just as much as her's do!

Bernadette

I was sitting in class a few semesters ago and my nutty professor who couldn;t ever properly keep track of time in the lecture didn;t have a watch.... this professor - he was a good teacher - but always a discombobulated mess - and I immediately started fantasizing about getting him a watch - what color, where I would go to buy it etc. how awkward it would be to give it to him so how could I do it anonymously..and then I just was like B!! Wake up!!! I mean, it amazes me how quickly my mind goes to "helping" out in extreme unasked for ways in even the most benign situations like this.

But see, nodaybu2tday, the beauty is, the difference is being aware. Aware of the triggers and aware of the thought pattern. I try to wait to be asked for my help - I mean that is #1. Then (because my initial reaction is always, yes, please, you lost your finger? Let me cut mine off and give it to you!) I try to practice my new habits of mind.

If I have been asked for something - I have found phrases like "Hmmmm, let me think about it." or "give me a minute and I'll get back to you." or "I can't say right now let me check the calendar." Just little phrases that buy me a second on my own to check my motivations and check my true availability or willingness or the consequences for say, sleeping with someone!

Progress not perfection! Awareness and mindfulness are two things I need to practice daily!

peace-
b