lostmyway

A recent experience that I just wanted to share. Perhaps you could respond with your first moment of gratefulness in sobriety.

My three year old son wanted to cuddle in his bed before going to sleep on Saturday night. I have little resistance to cuddling with my little guy, so I obliged, even though I still had things to do before getting into my own bed. Well, I ended up falling asleep. My husband came looking for me around 5:30 a.m. when he woke up and realized I wasn't lying next to him. He woke me to come into our room, but I had to go to the bathroom first. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I hadn't taken my makeup off and I was still in the clothes I had worn to 5:30 mass. And then, suddenly, I started to cry. At first I thought I had lost my mind, but when I stopped for a moment, my emotions actually made a lot of sense.

The last time I looked in the mirror with smeared makeup still on my face and my clothes still on from the previous night, I had been blacked out, taken alcohol and Ambien was probably lucky to even be alive.

But on Sunday morning, as the darkness outside was just starting to give way to light, I realized that the makeup and the clothes were on under much different circumstances. I could think clearly. My mouth didn't taste bad, I didn't have to use half a tube of toothpaste and a bottle of mouthwash to kill the taste of alcohol, which still always tasted no matter what I did anyway. Alcohol fumes were not coming out of my nose as I exhaled. I didn't have to rush to the sink to drink more water. I didn't need to take anything for a headache. I wasn't the usual mess that had to worry about how I was going to get through the day caring for my kids because I felt so badly from the night before.

I am free and it is a wonderful and beautiful thing. I could not ask for a better gift. I tried to stop drinking so many times I lost count. Now I'm doing it, I'm really doing it (15 days today) and it is the easiest and best thing I have ever done for myself.

bananagrrrl

I like waking up with a clear head, steady hands, hungry for breakfast and ready for the day.

My moment of clarity came and still does when I think about this: Why on earth would I put a foreign substance in my body to the point of blacking out? I love life and I want to enjoy it to its fullest extent. Sober.

intention

Hi Lostmyway

That's really amazing. Hug the little guy, enjoy and always remember it

Hevyn

Oh, how wonderful. I'm so happy for you. I did the blacking out thing for too many years before getting the message. I remember one time waking up in a dark hotel room - the clock said 4:00 - I didn't know if it was AM or PM.....frightening & disgusting behavior.

As you said, you are free. We never have to live our lives in chains again. It's so good to actually be participating in life instead of just phoning it in.

shaun00

lovely.

i had lots of lump in the throat moments where the gratitude overwhelmed me....just that feeling to be free.

while i was thinking how good "I" felt something happened.

i had to meet my mother off the train.
she hadnt seen me for a long time.....last time i was a shivering wreck living on the streets 60/lb under weight....tried to get money out of her and dissapeared.

i put on a tie and suite.....id had a hair cut and put most of my weight back on...my eyes where white again...
she got off the train and looked past me......
i called her..."mum".
she hadnt recognized me and bust into tears.
tears of joy that her son was back and alive.

she is a very religous women...........and it took ten minutes to help her stop crying and clutching her rosary.

THAT day shifted the focus from me............that day i realized the the damage alcohol does is not just too me.

i dont plan on torturing people anymore........

intention

Hi trucker, that is a very moving story, your mum must be very proud. It's a shame we can't see what we are doing when we are doing it.

serenityqueen

That is wonderful! The simple things like our child wanting to cuddle is one of the greatest Blessings in the world!

My son will be 21 years old Wednesday. I didn't get C & S until he was 16 so he witnessed much more than any of us could possibly imagine. He's told me many times that he was forgiven me, but he will never forget. Your son is young enough that if you never pick up again, chances are very good that he won't remember any of the times that Mommy was "sick," and couldn't play, just threw something together for breakfast or lunch, had a headache, was yelling to turn the TV down, to be quiet . . .

When you described how you felt waking up with the day before's make up smeared all over, that sickening taste of alcohol, trying everything in the world to get that taste out of your mouth and those toxic fumes, it took me back to when I was using. And I thank you for that. We need to never forget what it was like. Things like that will keep us from picking up, even if it is Just For Today.

God Bless & enjoy that little boy because they grow up so fast. You have so many happy years ahead of you to enjoy, to remember and to treasure without having any guilt.

Hugs,
Judy

Dee74

Thanks LMY

D

InsideOut

What a GREAT moment for you!! Thanks for sharing such a good feeling!! I am also enjoying waking up refreshed and ready for what the day has to offer!!

yeahgr8

My first moment was walking into AA, approaching some older guy that had shared at that meeting and asking him to help me...i was grateful to him for saying yes and from there my gratitudde grows to emcompass everything as i understand now i tried to change my life for 20 years and Someone else has helped me where i could not help myself:-)

sunshinebaby

As a mum, I found this post very moving. Keep up the good work xxx

lostmyway

I'm glad you are able to relate. For the longest time I felt like the only alcoholic mother in the world. Surely no one else drank like I did and still took care of their kids. But when I finally sought help, I found out that there are others just like me. I felt so relieved. I think there is not enough support out there for alcoholic moms, which could be partly our own doing...we don't want to be judged or made to feel like terrible people, and we certainly don't want to tell the wrong people and get social services involved in our lives. And so, we keep our horrible secret to ourselves. Keep reaching out, sunshinebaby...I'm right there with you.

Gypsy Feet

your sobriety is a blessing that extends into your child's life too, I am so happy for you both.

juliwuli

my four are all grown up now, but the other day my 18 year old said 'i'm glad your not a pi$$ head anymore' err.. i think that was a compliment,
i know that feeling well, screaming at everyone to be quiet because i was 'ill' its so great not to have to do that anymore, well done to you LMW

lostmyway

I am SO GRATEFUL for getting sober when my kids are still so young (3 years and 3 months, respectively.) I heard a statistic saying that many women who are alcoholic commit suicide between the ages of 45 and 60 because they realize at that point that they have damanged the lives of their children and they cannot forgive themselves for it. It sounds like you and your son still have a good relationship, despite the "I'm not sure if that was really a compliment" sort of compliment you received. That is fantastic.

Tazman53

You know it may not sound like a big deal, but at the time it was. I was grateful that I was able to go home and get straight to a meeting that night and get a sponsor the day I got out of detox! I left detox in a mental battle of behemoth proportions, buy a 12 pack for the ride home or drive straight home, it was the beginning of me learning how to lean on my HP for strength.

Some tear jerkers folks, thanks for sharing.

jamdls

Nice post Lost, good for you! Most every morning since I stopped drinking has been filled with gratitude just waking w/o that awful hangover feeling and the wondering what did I do lst night. More than 2 yrs after my last drunk I continue to love being sober.