New to the forum, introducing myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2
New to the forum, introducing myself
I know it sounds trite but I finally decided to give up drinking for good on New Years day. So I am 8 days sober today. My forum name is a sanskrit word meaning "resolve" because I know that try isn't good enough anymore. I NEED to stop drinking for the good of my health, my relationship, and most of all, my 2 year old daughter.
But, this is incredibly difficult, and although my husband is very supportive I think he has no idea how I am struggling. We went for dinner last night with friends, a lovely restaurant, and I was fine, mostly, with not drinking with dinner (I mostly drank instead of eating, not with food, so it wasn't that difficult), but when we dropped them off at 11 (I was, for a change, the designated driver) and they headed over to their neighbor's to drink more, it was an incredible bummer. I LIKED hanging out with those people and drinking late at night - they were funny, and nice, and also, like me, big drinkers. Can I not ever hang out with them again? Basically we went home, paid the babysitter, my hubby got on the internet, and I went to sleep.
I know it won't always be the case, but it seemed. . .boring. Incredibly boring. And I'm really depressed about it. We're invited to hang out with them again this afternoon, but I just don't feel like going and feeling like a martyr while I resist temptation and everyone else drinks.
Right now, never again seems like an awfully long time. I'm hanging in there, but it's really got me down.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
But, this is incredibly difficult, and although my husband is very supportive I think he has no idea how I am struggling. We went for dinner last night with friends, a lovely restaurant, and I was fine, mostly, with not drinking with dinner (I mostly drank instead of eating, not with food, so it wasn't that difficult), but when we dropped them off at 11 (I was, for a change, the designated driver) and they headed over to their neighbor's to drink more, it was an incredible bummer. I LIKED hanging out with those people and drinking late at night - they were funny, and nice, and also, like me, big drinkers. Can I not ever hang out with them again? Basically we went home, paid the babysitter, my hubby got on the internet, and I went to sleep.
I know it won't always be the case, but it seemed. . .boring. Incredibly boring. And I'm really depressed about it. We're invited to hang out with them again this afternoon, but I just don't feel like going and feeling like a martyr while I resist temptation and everyone else drinks.
Right now, never again seems like an awfully long time. I'm hanging in there, but it's really got me down.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi and welcome and congratulations on being sober. Just not drinking last night was a huge achievement for you.
Have you got any additional help/resources to help you stay sober? Are you doing any recovery programme? AA?
Have you got any additional help/resources to help you stay sober? Are you doing any recovery programme? AA?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
Welcome to SR sankalpa!
There is literally a world of experience strength and hope here for you. I would like to recommend you find some meetings in your area and/or get some help through other recovery entities. I don't know how you feel about AA or any other recovery philosophy but getting out of where you are seems most important. If you stay around people who are drinking it won't be long before you join in (the old saying "if you hang around the barbershop long enough you're gonna get a haircut"..gives you an idea..) I don't mean leave home but get with others who are not drinking and see how they live without being bored. Life is a lot of fun without drinking. Kinda begin to see how much a person can associate only having fun through drinking...a part which seeks to keep us drunk...
Anyway, Welcome again!
We are all here for you...................
There is literally a world of experience strength and hope here for you. I would like to recommend you find some meetings in your area and/or get some help through other recovery entities. I don't know how you feel about AA or any other recovery philosophy but getting out of where you are seems most important. If you stay around people who are drinking it won't be long before you join in (the old saying "if you hang around the barbershop long enough you're gonna get a haircut"..gives you an idea..) I don't mean leave home but get with others who are not drinking and see how they live without being bored. Life is a lot of fun without drinking. Kinda begin to see how much a person can associate only having fun through drinking...a part which seeks to keep us drunk...
Anyway, Welcome again!
We are all here for you...................
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2
Recovery Programs
Thanks for the replies.
I'm not doing any of the recovery programs - mostly because I have been kind of turned off by the religious overtones in the 12 step program information I have read. (I'm a recovering Catholic too, ha ha). But I'm considering going to check out some of the open meetings just to see what they are like.
This will sound like a stupid question, I am sure: I know you're supposed to distance yourself from friends that drink. We do have friends that are not big drinkers and then many who are. Is it possible to stay friends with people who you used to hang out with when you were drinking?
I'm not doing any of the recovery programs - mostly because I have been kind of turned off by the religious overtones in the 12 step program information I have read. (I'm a recovering Catholic too, ha ha). But I'm considering going to check out some of the open meetings just to see what they are like.
This will sound like a stupid question, I am sure: I know you're supposed to distance yourself from friends that drink. We do have friends that are not big drinkers and then many who are. Is it possible to stay friends with people who you used to hang out with when you were drinking?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
I am able to be around friends who drink but my life is such that I have no real reason to be around them save maybe some special occasion. There are other ways of staying in contact. I have a life built on recovery now with its' own set of friends and things to do. My wife is not a alcoholic or addict and we have a wonderful life now, where in the past it was tragic but that is another story.
If you have problems with religion , not to worry, you will learn there is a difference between religion and spiritual, and if that doesn't agree with you there other approaches as well, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and others. If you are not open to meetings (I would humbly recommend giving it a shot anyway), get on the phone and find some other help.
There is a wealth of diversity here on SR. I am certain you will find what you seek if you persist..
Glad you are here.................
If you have problems with religion , not to worry, you will learn there is a difference between religion and spiritual, and if that doesn't agree with you there other approaches as well, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and others. If you are not open to meetings (I would humbly recommend giving it a shot anyway), get on the phone and find some other help.
There is a wealth of diversity here on SR. I am certain you will find what you seek if you persist..
Glad you are here.................
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome to SR.
Being newly quit I wouldn't recommend you hang out with old friends in situations where there is going to be a lot of drinking.
It is possible after some time has passed to be around people that are drinking a lot but you will probably find it somewhat annoying if your experience is anything like mine.
As far as staying friends with your people that is quite possible but you will have to work at it to find things that you can all do together that are fun and involve no drinking.
It is a situation that most of us social type drinkers have had to come to terms with.
Good luck.
Being newly quit I wouldn't recommend you hang out with old friends in situations where there is going to be a lot of drinking.
It is possible after some time has passed to be around people that are drinking a lot but you will probably find it somewhat annoying if your experience is anything like mine.
As far as staying friends with your people that is quite possible but you will have to work at it to find things that you can all do together that are fun and involve no drinking.
It is a situation that most of us social type drinkers have had to come to terms with.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 5,276
Welcome to SR, Sankalpa!
I'm new to recovery myself so don't have much advice about what to do about friends who drink..
But, I agree that support especially in the early stages of recovery is hugely important. If you're not into AA (and lots of people aren't), check out the chat room and the chat meetings on this site (Wed, Fri and Sat). Great wisdom and encouragement, plus chat is available 24 hours a day.
Congratulations on your 8 days of sobriety, that is fantastic!!!
I'm new to recovery myself so don't have much advice about what to do about friends who drink..
But, I agree that support especially in the early stages of recovery is hugely important. If you're not into AA (and lots of people aren't), check out the chat room and the chat meetings on this site (Wed, Fri and Sat). Great wisdom and encouragement, plus chat is available 24 hours a day.
Congratulations on your 8 days of sobriety, that is fantastic!!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Good to know you are heading into a sober future...
Welcome to our recovery community
By the time I decided to quit drinking....my work and my
social circle all revolved around alcohol.
Strangely.....I found drinking friends were not the people I
wanted as friends. 90% of our connection centered
around being drunk....we really had little in common.
Most drifted away when I stated I was attending AA
that my apartment was now a non drinking zone....
Thus allowing me time to form new friendships with
other sober people who shared my goals and lifestyle.
Welcome to our recovery community
By the time I decided to quit drinking....my work and my
social circle all revolved around alcohol.
Strangely.....I found drinking friends were not the people I
wanted as friends. 90% of our connection centered
around being drunk....we really had little in common.
Most drifted away when I stated I was attending AA
that my apartment was now a non drinking zone....
Thus allowing me time to form new friendships with
other sober people who shared my goals and lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 1
Sankalpa,
After reading your post, I had the resolve to join this discussion forum. My stomach's doing flip flops and my hands are shaking already. I know I've made a commitment (once again) to stop drinking.
And my biggest challenge will be the boredom that lies ahead.
After reading your post, I had the resolve to join this discussion forum. My stomach's doing flip flops and my hands are shaking already. I know I've made a commitment (once again) to stop drinking.
And my biggest challenge will be the boredom that lies ahead.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: scotland uk
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by sankalpa 
Thanks for the replies.
I'm not doing any of the recovery programs - mostly because I have been kind of turned off by the religious overtones in the 12 step program information I have read. (I'm a recovering Catholic too, ha ha). But I'm considering going to check out some of the open meetings just to see what they are like.
This will sound like a stupid question, I am sure: I know you're supposed to distance yourself from friends that drink. We do have friends that are not big drinkers and then many who are. Is it possible to stay friends with people who you used to hang out with when you were drinking?
I'm not doing any of the recovery programs - mostly because I have been kind of turned off by the religious overtones in the 12 step program information I have read. (I'm a recovering Catholic too, ha ha). But I'm considering going to check out some of the open meetings just to see what they are like.
This will sound like a stupid question, I am sure: I know you're supposed to distance yourself from friends that drink. We do have friends that are not big drinkers and then many who are. Is it possible to stay friends with people who you used to hang out with when you were drinking?
I could have written your posts can relate to everything you have said
Eating protein and life.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by sankalpa
Right now, never again seems like an awfully long time.
I'm glad you're here!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Originally Posted by Untoxicated
It does to me too but that's if I focus on the good that alcohol brought me. If I focus on the bad, never again sounds like a pretty good deal.
I'm glad you're here!
I'm glad you're here!
"never" seems too long, but I can do one day at a time not drinking. Look at it that way, just don't drink for this day. Not to mention all the bad things that won't happen to you now due to drinking... and it's pretty embarassing in the newspapers...
Welcome to SR!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
WELCOME!
Glad you're here Sankalpa, you came to the right place!
Alothough I use AA and maintain that it has been my own best solution for recovery, I do not advocate AA over any other program for anyone else, and my advice is always the same: it usually works best if you use a program, find one that suits you, AA or otherwise. I repeat: I would strongly suggest a program. I don't know where you are, in the US? I suspect you are, and if that is true, there are secular alternatives to AA and there are a myriad of outpatient rehab options.
I would qualify that statement. It depends on how much your friends drink. If you have friends that you essentially get drunk with and there is no other focus in your relationship with them, well, who wants friends like that anyway?
But you may have friends who are moderate drinkers and could easily pass up a visit to a bar or would have no problem with an alcohol free dinner with you: why leave those friends?
I have a group of very moderate-to-almost-non-drinking women friends who have the boring habit of ordering coffee in bars. Or if they order something, it is a glass of wine and they walk out of the restaurant after a 5 hour dinner leaving that same glass of wine half full.
I have no need to give up those kinds of friends. Why would I? As a recovering alcoholic, I know that I will never have to deal with excessive drinking or the pressure to drink around these women.
Very good question: you are asking something almost all of us asked ourselves. I think I answered the question already: is your relationship with your friends based on drinking? If you wanted to do something with them that did not involve drinking, would they still be interested?
When I was young and hit the bars a lot, a lot of my friends were simply drinking buddies who I had nothing in common with. Our only thing in common was hitting the bars. Lots of times when I was in their company, I actually did not like being around them. I didn't like them as people. But, I would order another drink and things would get all fuzzy and I would convince myself that maybe I liked them after all....
You CAN navigate these waters with good solutions and keep some, but perhaps not all of your social connections intact if you decide to stay sober. Yes, you will have to make some changes. But, I eventually found that there was a huge difference between drinking buddies and friends.
Glad you're here Sankalpa, you came to the right place!
Thanks for the replies.
I'm not doing any of the recovery programs - mostly because I have been kind of turned off by the religious overtones in the 12 step program information I have read. (I'm a recovering Catholic too, ha ha).
I'm not doing any of the recovery programs - mostly because I have been kind of turned off by the religious overtones in the 12 step program information I have read. (I'm a recovering Catholic too, ha ha).
But I'm considering going to check out some of the open meetings just to see what they are like.This will sound like a stupid question, I am sure: I know you're supposed to distance yourself from friends that drink.
But you may have friends who are moderate drinkers and could easily pass up a visit to a bar or would have no problem with an alcohol free dinner with you: why leave those friends?
I have a group of very moderate-to-almost-non-drinking women friends who have the boring habit of ordering coffee in bars. Or if they order something, it is a glass of wine and they walk out of the restaurant after a 5 hour dinner leaving that same glass of wine half full.
I have no need to give up those kinds of friends. Why would I? As a recovering alcoholic, I know that I will never have to deal with excessive drinking or the pressure to drink around these women.
We do have friends that are not big drinkers and then many who are. Is it possible to stay friends with people who you used to hang out with when you were drinking?
When I was young and hit the bars a lot, a lot of my friends were simply drinking buddies who I had nothing in common with. Our only thing in common was hitting the bars. Lots of times when I was in their company, I actually did not like being around them. I didn't like them as people. But, I would order another drink and things would get all fuzzy and I would convince myself that maybe I liked them after all....
You CAN navigate these waters with good solutions and keep some, but perhaps not all of your social connections intact if you decide to stay sober. Yes, you will have to make some changes. But, I eventually found that there was a huge difference between drinking buddies and friends.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi sankalpa
I guess it comes down to a choice: versus Sobriety's not boring. The forum would be empty if it was...
I needed to build a sober life - I tried living a drinker's life and just not drinking - that was hell.
So, for me that meant leaving some people and places behind - like Carol, others fell away by their own volition - most of my crowd by the end were drinking buddies.
I have good friends who still drink - they respect my situation, they're actually glad I faced up to my alcoholism and they support me.
Once I decided for good I really wanted to be sober, the fact they still drink means nothing to me.
Give it time - you're still weighing things up. This is a good place to do that.
Welcome to SR
D
I guess it comes down to a choice:
hanging out with those people and drinking late at night - they were funny, and nice, and also, like me, big drinkers
the good of my health, my relationship, and most of all, my 2 year old daughter
I needed to build a sober life - I tried living a drinker's life and just not drinking - that was hell.
So, for me that meant leaving some people and places behind - like Carol, others fell away by their own volition - most of my crowd by the end were drinking buddies.
I have good friends who still drink - they respect my situation, they're actually glad I faced up to my alcoholism and they support me.
Once I decided for good I really wanted to be sober, the fact they still drink means nothing to me.
Give it time - you're still weighing things up. This is a good place to do that.
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Welcome to SR Sankalpa and Wilma! Always happy to see new members and people trying to change their lives for the better.
SR has helped me to do what I considered the unthinkable over a year ago and that was to live a happy life without having alcohol in it. I never in a million years thought that would be possible. I kind of went through a mourning process in the beginning, but reading here and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel helped me persevere. The posts where people were showing a sense of humor were really inspiring to me because I thought I wouldn't be able to laugh like that again. I also get ALOT out of the gratitude section too.
With time I found I did actually see evenings without the every day wine. I did see a future without ordering from the bar at a restaurant. It can happen, but it takes a lot of work and determination. I still work at it by coming here and reading my old posts. I don't ever want to believe I can control it because I do know, with all certainity, where it will lead and I've already been down that road.
SR has helped me to do what I considered the unthinkable over a year ago and that was to live a happy life without having alcohol in it. I never in a million years thought that would be possible. I kind of went through a mourning process in the beginning, but reading here and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel helped me persevere. The posts where people were showing a sense of humor were really inspiring to me because I thought I wouldn't be able to laugh like that again. I also get ALOT out of the gratitude section too.
With time I found I did actually see evenings without the every day wine. I did see a future without ordering from the bar at a restaurant. It can happen, but it takes a lot of work and determination. I still work at it by coming here and reading my old posts. I don't ever want to believe I can control it because I do know, with all certainity, where it will lead and I've already been down that road.
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