Shamperz

There are a lot of stories and experiences on here of how things have lead to an inevitable split in a relationship because of how serious things can get (or even worse).

I genuinely believe that we are not past the point of no return as there is a lot of good in our relationship and stuff to look forward to.

I fully appreciate the comments people have given me on here so far and its certainly opeining my eyes. However I cant help but think there is a balance somewhere.
Does anyone have any positive experience of helping a partner get over alcohol and any constructive advice?

Thanks

bookwyrm

Have a look through some old threads - this is a question that comes up a lot with newcomers. You have already had some good advice here. Does your GF want your help?

Shamperz

She doesnt know im on here. She avoids the subject altogether and when its raised gets very defensive.

coffeedrinker

if she avoids the subject and/or gets defensive, she is not ready to get sober.

you need to decide if you are able to live with things as they are now.

keep coming here, and try al-anon. it's the best thing you can do.

tjp613

Shamperz has received the "standard" advice in her other threads but isn't too keen to accept it, Coffeedrinker. She's waving her arms in the air asking and looking for people who have successfully "helped a partner get over alcohol" and "constructive" advice.

So let's step aside and leave the thread open to allow those people to speak up, shall we?

harleyd101

Shamperz....All of the people here have lived through what you are going through...their experience and subsequent actions are all valid, as is their responses. I am a recovering alcoholic, with an alcoholic BF. What you are looking for is an answer to fix her. That answer is not here. You do not have the power to fix her. She is not yours to fix. All you have the power to do is to take your life back, stop living in the problem and start living in the solution. Denial is a terrible thing. When I first started reading here, I thought my alcoholic was different, that we were different, and these people here were mean and unresonable when it came to dealing with their alcoholics. I thought most were angry. Then, as my pain became worse, I had a light-bulb moment and came back here and reread many of the posts. I didn't have a terminally unique alcoholic. He rolls like all the other alkies on these threads. What I did have was a horrible case of co-dependency. I was (and still am) addicted to him. When the pain of living with them outweights the pain of being without them, you will change something. Cause you know that nothing changes if nothing changes, and it sounds like you are looking for her to change. It's not about that anymore...it's about us changing, because really, that's were our power lies. We have the choice today to heal and grow, or to keep doing what we have always been doing, or to stay stuck in the pain of loving someone that doesn't love themselves enough to get help.

I know that recovery can be done, and I can tell you that after 13 years clean and sober, I relapsed. I stopped working a program, going to meetings, and surrounding myself with people in recovery. Today I have a little over 4 years clean again. This was not because someone I loved wanted to help me, (help me, leave me, I didn't really care) this was because I hit a personal bottom of hopelessness and despair, and I prayed that God would take me or save me. He saved me (again). This personal experience did not involve another person. People just got in the way of my drinking (including my children). I did not loose everything when I drank, I gave it away, and couldn't have cared less.

This does not happen for everyone. I do not want to die an alcoholic death, and there are many people out there that will die for me. I, alone with my God, made the decision to clean up. God saved me, not a person in human form.

I do believe with all my heart that God did for me that which I could not do for myself. You have no power here, and the sooner you realize that, then you can embark on a journey of "self". Because that is what it is all about...understanding why you do the things you do. It all stems from self. If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done. Try something different, cause what you are doing isn't working.

Be good to yourself today, and put all that energy you spend trying to figure her out into you. Cyber hugs!!

Bernadette

Does anyone have any positive experience of helping a partner get over alcohol and any constructive advice?

My dad finally called AA and a 12th stepper came over and took him out for a coffee and he started attending AA, got sober, worked hard for his recovery, and he and my mom stayed together.

Why he picked up the phone that day I don't know. To me it was just another typical hungover day. He told me years later it was just the day he had enough. He was done and desperate to change. He always stressed it wasn't my mother's "help" which had amounted to nothing but bitter and twisted codie weirdness and had warped us kids and our family beyond beyond. The only thing he did say she did that he used was she had written down the number to AA years before and given it to him and he had kept that in his dresser. That was 7+ long years before he used it though. And, I mean any alcoholic can find the number to AA! First in the yellow pages!

Note, this phone call marked the end of a 25+ year drinking career. My parents had been married for 20 of those years, 5 kids. When my father recovered he really grew and changed as a person, it was pretty amazing, he became the most mentally healthy of anyone in my family! He died twenty years into his sobriety.

My mom however has never changed and is still a raging codie enabling my A brothers. Codependence warped some of her very best qualities. She made her choices. But she doesn't have an authentic relationship with any of her children. As she sees it my father got to have a ball and party for 25 years then become the most adored and revered changed person for the rest of his life. She can't help but be bitter because she refuses to take any responsibility for her choices.

If my mom had been rigorously honest and worked some kind of program or therapy and been honest and supportive of us kids things would be very very differerent for her...and as he said - it wouldn;t have made a difference to when or how my dad chose recovery. She kept herself stressed & sick all those years for nada.

So shamperz I think the only success you ever see around addiction is when each family member takes responsibility for their own problems. For example it's great that you are here, in spite of the fact that she is unreceptive to changing (defensive is the obvious typical A reaction when confronted!). It is great that you are asking questions and learning the real deal about alcoholism.

Help yourself. Put all that energy into helping yourself. Just like alcoholics think they are "unique" or different, that the normal rules of addiction don't apply to them (I can do this myself! Leave me alone, you've got a problem not me!) we who love A's can get caught in the same kind of thinking about ourselves. I had to find ways to still love my A brothers but not enable their alcoholism nor harm myself. AlAnon helped me alot with that!

So I have stated my truth with my A bros, given them the # to AA, told them I hope they use it and then I got busy taking care of my side of the street only! It's working miracles for me!
peace-
b

RollTide

I found that 100% of me could not change 1% of him.

FreeBird09

I only wished I could have changed him. The truth is, as stated above, we can only change ourselves. The truth really sucks..

AlwaysGrowing

Shamrez

Let me ask you this question? In all of your life how many times have you been able to cure a disease you have no control over. Oh! And it isn't up to you. You are depending on someone else for that.

I'm sorry for your situation. My my true experience it will be a few years+ before she is even thinking about being ready. The switch/her decision doesn't not come overnight but over time. Hence the reason they call this a slow death.

This is real and I wish you could change her. But, you can't.

My you find acceptance that you can't. It does take time for that as well.

AG

DesertEyes

I've lived it both ways.

I have my share of experience, but I can't give you any advice because I'm not a professional shrink, social worker or anything like that. All that any of us can give you is our personal experience, nothing more.

My ex-wife became addicted to pain pills after a difficult disease. When she no longer needed them, she still _liked_ them. I did all the stuff al-anon suggest we _not_ do. I begged and cried. I raged and threatened. I prayed to God and cussed at life. If you want to know the details just read the al-anon literature, my story is all over those pages.

Finally, when nothing else worked, I went to al-anon. And a good shrink. In the end they were right. My ex-wife didn't _want_ to quit the pills and all I was doing was enabling her in the worst way.

A few years later, after the divorce, after lots and lots of meetings, a great sponsor, working the steps, I fell in love again. With another addict.

* heavy sigh *

I'm not well yet, but I'm better.

She ended up in the hospital from her addictions. Lots of denial. The usual story.

The difference this time was _me_. I had tossed myself into the deep end of al-anon and got into the program with a vengance. So when the "appropriate moment" happened in the hospital room I was able to do a succesful "intervention".

I told my lady she was free to do with her life as she chose. I was not going to try, in even the smallest way, to get involved in her choices or her addiction. However, I expect the same respect from her in return. In _my_ life I want no addictive behavior of any kind. None of this "I'm a work in progress" or "One day at a time" or any other excuses disguised as recovery. If she wants a relationship with me I want 100% abstinence 100% of the time. Otherwise we are done and she is free to live her life any way she wants.

That was _not_ as easy as it sounds.

She's got a little over a year and a half recovery now. We've had a few rough spots since then, but no more relapses. My boundary still stands, and it always will. She so much as takes _one_ whiff of pot, one sip of wine, one bullemic purge in the bathroom and we're done.

There's no "success" with addiction. It's a battle every single day. Our relationship has worked so far, but there is no guarantee it will work tomorow. There's no "end" to the battle, no resting on our laurels. The medical profession has not yet found a magic pill that cures addiction. All we have is these strange little programs of recovery and the experience of millions of others who have walked this path before us.

In my case the whole al-anon "deal" has worked, and worked very well. It saved my sanity in a marriage that had been destroyed by addiction, and saved a different relationship that was on the verge of also being lost.

I have no idea if my current relationship will last the years. That's not really my concern, that's the HP's problem. If it doesn't then I'll just try again. And again. And again. It may take me a few more relationships before I get one to stick, who knows. I do know that without the principles of al-anon I don't have a prayer of making _any_ relationship work.

Mike

Jadmack25

Quote from Shamperz(((Does anyone have any positive experience of helping a partner get over alcohol and any constructive advice?))))

Yes Shamperz, I have helped my abf get over alcohol and get sober......HUNDREDS OF TIMES in the past 20 years.

BUT when HE decided that he wanted, needed or had to have a beer, I only got to know about it when he phoned me drunk or turned up totally sozzled and made my life hell till it was "sober me up" time again.

The only influence I have had over him, has been in refusing contact, no enabling or support at all for him, til HE was so miserable, lonely, missed me and was so sick of himself that HE went for help. Prior to this happening I was only being used and manipulated for his comfort, as he swore off the drink (til next time) with no real intention of doing so. I fell for that every time til finally I QUIT.

He is sober still, but the shoe could drop anytime. If it does I am GONE for good.

I wish you luck with your A, but do not hold out much hope I fear.

God bless

Shamperz

Guys

So many good and heartfelt replies here im so greatful to you all for spending some time to help my understanding. I have been mentally preparing myself for the worst if I feel an ultimatum situation is unavoidable.

I do still have one problem in that I need to be absolutely certain about what im doing. That is to say ive been with her a little over two years and from suggestions ive heard about her past, she may have vastly improved since and may be getting better. But this isnt something i can proove or disproove but would feel awful if yes she still has issues but has made the improvements because we are together - I wouldnt want to set her back.

I do need to say that she doesnt often noticably get wasted. but she does drink often and also in secret (even if its just a couple of cans). Now most people can handle a couple of cans but its the fact that she sneaks and knows the consequence but STILL does it.

Am I being too harsh or have I just seen the early stages maybe? Who knows.

Bernadette

she may have vastly improved since and may be getting better. But this isnt something i can proove or disproove but would feel awful if yes she still has issues but has made the improvements because we are together - I wouldnt want to set her back.

Alcoholism can be a life-long affliction Shamperz. Some alcoholics drink for decades before they are ready to stop & change. Most never stop.

I really do know how hard it is to believe - because I felt the same way for a long time - but you are powerless over her addiciton. So whether you stay or go it will not matter. If you were powerful enough to make her better, if any of us had any power or control over our loved one's addictions, then this forum would not exist!

I had to do enough research until I understood the nature of the addicted mind - so I could accept that if I said No to my brothers for soomething and they decided to go on a bender and even if they decided to blame me for the rst of their life for their drinking because of that time I rejected their request - that really is NOT the truth. An alcoholic will use any and all external targets to hoist blame upon. The most convenient targets are their loved ones /enablers. That's how the cycle of insanity is perpetuated.

Depending on the circumstances an alcoholic will say anything and do anything to just be able to keep drinking.
Admit they have a problem? Wow - look at the effect on the enablers "She/He is admitting the problem - maybe now a change will come!" Years go by, still drinking.

Denying they have a problem? Wow, it is so obvious to the entire world but She/He will not admit there is a problem. I'll show them evidence of the problem! Maybe then they will "see!" Years go by, still drinking.

We fight and the alcoholic goes on a bender because we fought? So I stop picking fights. Years go by, still drinking.

Nothing gets in the way of their drinking Shamperz. I lived it with my father and I have been seeing that rule in action with my A brothers for 20 years now. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. They will play any game, pity party, boastful, sneaking, lying, in your face, whatever! Years go by, still drinking!

Do what's best for you and you can't go wrong. Try to second guess an alcoholic and your influence over whether they drink or not and you are settng yourself up for the cuckoo roller coaster.

I do believe we can help an alcoholic, by telling them the truth, by providing hotline numbers or referals for treatment once, and then we have to let it go. We cannpt do it for them, and we should not put our lives on hold waiting, hoping, fearing....

Do the next right thing for you (sometimes we can't even name that because the alcoholic's needs have come first for so long!).
More will be revealed.

peace-
b.