jennypenny

Hi everyone,
I'm brand-spanking new to this site and can't tell you guys how happy I am that you all are here. I don't even know where to begin. My mom died in January 2001, but I feel as though I'm living my life the same way I did when she was alive, and I can't begin to guess how to change that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I was extremely protective of my mother and her drinking when she was alive, yeah, because it was embarrassing, but mainly because I loved her more than anything or anyone on earth. I didn't want people judging her. So I never had friends over, and when I did go out, I always had this nagging [I]urgency[I]to get back home and see what was going on. My whole life, from the time I was old enough to pay attention till the time she died, revolved around getting her to take a nap so she'd wake up sober and be my mom again. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but it was pretty much my life's goal, day in and day out. And when she died, my heart broke completely in half. My father had died 11 years earlier when I was only 17; my one and only sibling was married already. So it was just Mom and me, as it had always been. And now, well, it's just me. It's just been me for 9 years now. But I still have that...urgency, y'know, to get the "fun time" over with and get back home to my pets. I'm turning into an isolated weirdo at the ripe old age of 37. I have a lot of shallow acquaintances and about 1 friend. I go through periods where I just go to work and come home, for months on end, then I conclude that's not normal so I go out on a date. I invariably find some flaw in him, usually about 2 hrs into things, then spend the rest of my "fun time" figuring out how I can avoid him once I get back home.
So here's what I need to know: do any of you suffer from this self-imposed isolation, for lack of a better term? And how in God's name do you get past it?

Thanks for your time.
Jennifer

GingerM

At the age of 27, I split with my fiance'. It was the last relationship that I was in where I was repeating the same set of extremely unhealthy behaviors. He tried to kill me, didn't succeed. I tried to kill myself and didn't succeed.

At that point, I intentionally became a social hermit. I made my life as regimented as possible. I did the same things at the same time every day. The rituals of my life gave me a sense of order and control that I had never experienced before. I was comfortable for the first time in my life.

I don't think you're necessarily a 'weirdo' for staying home by yourself. It can be a very good opportunity for you to do some serious navel-gazing and digging around in your psyche about where you are now, where you'd like to be, and what you need to do to get from here to there. When you are completely alone, you can say whatever you need to say, out loud, without concern for someone telling you that you're irrational or stupid for feeling that way.

I'm glad you have pets, they're great to talk to about how you're feeling. And talking, out loud, helps get the emotions from inside you to outside you. There is something in talking that helps one to see more clearly, and for me at least, often helps me to find root causes of triggers.

I spent three years as a voluntary "social hermit." I had no real friends at the time, and I think that actually helped me. I had no one to distract or placate me. I was forced, by my isolation, to dig my demons up, look them in the eye, and attempt to figure out what to do with them.

During that time, I studied Zen Buddhism, which, in hindsight, probably helped me tremendously, since Zen focuses on acceptance of what is rather than changing things around you. I'm not suggesting you need to study Zen, but I am suggesting that perhaps, rather than forcing yourself to go out more, you might need to stay in more.

Everyone walks a different path to recovery. My path was quite different from most others on this board. Perhaps your path is different as well. If you're happy staying home, why force yourself to go out?

jennypenny

thanks, ginger. i really appreciate your response. i guess it all hearkens back to "guessing at what normal is". you've really been through the ringer yourself. i'm so glad you're at a healthy place now. the fact that you endured all that and can somehow manage to help other people is, well, really remarkable.
thanks again.
jen

guiab

Hi jennypenny,
Have you tried alanon meetings (coda, acoa, or similar group)? I am not saying that your isolation is bad, and as Ginger pointed out it can be very useful, but you can focus some'outside time' on recovery while inside time would be for you to digest what you've taken in, free of the effort to socialize when you don't want to.

I tend to isolate or overwork and the meetings have gotten me into a routine of attending to recovery and breaking the habit of running away from my fears and shame. I can go somewhere and discuss my thoughts, stumble over words, and cry and I know now that I will only see smiles, nods of understanding, or maybe an understand laugh.

There are also on-line meetings (including soberrecovery). Or you could work with a therapist/counselor. I have used therapists in the past and, well, have mixed results. (generally, I got into a people-pleasing habit of telling my counselor what he/she wanted to hear.)

One observation is that you feel the need to be home and it is not a 100% comfortable feeling for you. I know that feeling of a compulsion (be it cleaning, exercising, working, surfing the net, ect) that just does not ever deliver serenity. You should see time home, or time elsewhere, as something good for you and not a duty.

I hope this helps you. Take care.

Stereosteveo

My father died Jan 21, 2001, I was 31.
I have since been through periods of isolation.

tromboneliness

My wife and I (both ACoA's, and she's a recovering alcoholic as well) tend to isolate -- we stick to ourselves most of the time, don't get out much together, and we don't have a lot of close friends. Whenever we go out together, I think we usually feel tired afterwards, and are happy to be back "in here" as opposed to "out there."

It had never occurred to me that this was a symptom leftover from growing up in alcoholic households -- and maybe it isn't, or maybe it is... but this may not be something we necessarily need to get past. Maybe it's just how we are!

It's funny -- as an individual, I have things I go out and do (as it happens, I'm a bowler, and almost every weekend, I'm out at a tournament someplace or other, often in another state) -- I find that energizing and fulfilling. My wife has certain things that she does by herself, too. As a couple, though, we pretty much stick to ourselves; we do not have much of a social life.

At this point (mid-to-late 40s), I don't really see that changing -- but I'm also starting to think it's really not a problem. Maybe we just like to stay home -- what's so bad about that?

T

GingerM

Absolutely nothing! Not all of us are highly social people. I have a few friends, but I don't socialize with them much. I don't socialize much at all with anyone. I've never enjoyed the big party scene or the always-going-out-with-friends thing. My sister was the social animal in our family. I'd still prefer a night in to a night out on the town.

I would guess that there are a lot more people like us Trombone. The media, however, tends to imply that there's something wrong if we're not constantly hanging out with a large number of people, having great lives filled with interesting things. Meh. I'm happy with what I have: a safe relaxing peaceful household where I can be myself without fear of judgment by others. Then again, a tv show or movie about one or two people sitting at home doing.....nothing interesting? I can't quite see that making it to air.

dothi

I think the tendency to isolate can be a by-product of growing up in a dysfunctional household.

My sister and I grew up with an explosive codie mom and ocassionally explosive drunk dad. Couple that with no privacy (no doors on the bedrooms) and you get no privacy from random angry outbursts, parents/siblings fighting, etc. I am much better than my sister, who lives alone these days. She is still learning what is normal in roommate-type relationships, and cannot yet shake the uncomfortable feeling of someone haphazardly wandering into her personal space. When she visits accommodating her privacy needs is key to a comfortable visit.

I don't think a hostile environment is the only factor though. If you grew up in a home with a lot of tension - perhaps depression, resentment, competition, bitterness - all those feelings are uncomfortable to be around. If that was the backdrop of your social experience growing up, it makes sense you would tend to isolate to avoid what was "normally" uncomfortable for you.