mamaplus2kids

I have been dating the same man for over three years. At first, we were in love and we did some things together. We would go on hikes, go visit museums, go to concerts, and have picnics with the children. But since about two years, those activities have ceased and he just comes over 2-4 evenings a week.

He's always on the go. Even on a Saturday or Sunday morning, he leaves and makes no plans to include me in his day. He admitted to me that the first thing he does after leaving us is to smoke his self-rolled cigarette that contains pot. He says that the amount of pot is so little that it's barely there. I asked him if I could tolerate that amount, and he said no, as I never smoke. So this confirmed that this small amount is significant enough and that he needs it daily. This is so disappointing.

I've been sad and disappointed that he wouldn't help take care of my kids on Dec. 28 when I was sick with a cold and fever. I am never sick. This was the first time in years. I am sad that I can't rely on him when I am sick... He says that he's changed half his life for me; he complains that I haven't changed at all for him. I asked him what he has changed and the only thing he could come up with was that he has had to wake up early and go to bed early when he's with me which has benefitted his business!

So, I insisted on a break. I haven't seen him since Jan 1st, but we've been talking on the phone daily. My therapist says that the break hasn't really been a break because we've had contact. What's worse is that we are both invited to a dinner tonight. Our hosts are mutual friends and they've been planning this evening for a long time. I told him that I would go to the dinner but that we would restart the break tomorrow. I feel like the last 8 days have been for naught... but I am seeing how dysfunctional our relationship is.

It just hurts... I miss him, yet I know I need to move on. Really sucks!!!!

CatsPajamas

Oh Mom+, I'm sorry you're going thru this. It hurts so much when we realize that our relationship isn't what we thought it was, and that our partner isn't the person we though he was.

I went thru this, more than once, after I divorced my exH. I'm a very stubborn learner, so it took me awhile to figure things out. The good news for me was that I learned about setting and maintaining boundaries, I learned what was and was not acceptable behavior, and finally - I learned to recognize when a relationship was toxic for me.

I had to learn how to trust myself and my instincts again... many many yrs in a dysfunctional and abusive marriage stripped away my rational thinking. I know that I stayed in a dating relationship about a year longer than I should have because I kept doubting myself.... but ultimately I had to end it because it just wasn't healthy for me.

I am a list maker, so I actually made a list of pros and cons of the relationship, and also the things that were really important to me in a healthy relationship. Once I got it all on paper, it was pretty obvious to me that I wasn't in the type of relationship that I wanted, or that I deserved.

Good luck. It stinks that you're faced with this, but hopefully you can make some good and positive choices for yourself.

Hugs,
Cats

naive

hi mama-

well, you always have the option of not going to the dinner. i would imagine that if you explained the situation to your hosts and begged out, any real friend would certainly understand.

if you do go and you really don't want to see him anymore, watch out for "obligatory body contact" such as the mandatory hello hug or the obligatory good bye hug.

for me, this is a big one. i find men will cross that line anytime the opportunity occurs.

it's a new boundary i have set for myself. i feel really good merely saying good-bye and keeping my own personal space.

here's another one i've recently figured out. dress modestly, as in turtle neck sweater that's not too body hugging, if you really don't want to attract the wrong attention from him.

naive