I am new here...A little about me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
I am new here...A little about me.
I don't even know where to begin. My husband is an alcoholic. It's hard for me to use that word because I have avoided putting him into any kind of category for so long. We have been together 16 yrs and have three kids (13,12 and 7). He has always had issues here and there. It wasn't quantity so much as it was that everyone knew if he had too much,things could get sticky. A couple times a year there would be an incident related to drinking that would just make me a little crazy,but it was never a deal breaker.
In the last few years he switched over to heavy drinking on weekends. Every weekend he would get trashed, no matter how bad it made him feel and he was fairly calm at the start of this heavier drinking but slowly became more moody when he would. He has always been a bit gruff so I would remind him of his temper and ask him to be patient when it came to the kids and discipline. In the last two years the drinking has turned into a daily thing. Seven days a week he consumes at least 8-12 beers a day,he starts at work and continues when he is home. He gets drunk a couple times a week and passes out a couple times a week as well. In the last two years it has become very obvious to the kids. He is mean,yells and is hard to be around at times. Others he is the fun guy that is too loud and silly. Either way we have all learned to measure how drunk he is by his behavior.
The last year and a half there have been several serious issues with his drinking. It started with a night that I woke him to ask him something,he got angry and started calling me names..Got in my face and threatened to hit me as he held me away. The neighbors heard this and called the police. He was arrested and had to stay away from the house for 3 days. Luckily the kids were out of town with his mother for a visit and did not see it. A few months later he got pulled over and given a sobriety test which was questionable but they let him go provided I pick him up. I refused and let them drive him home in the police car. This was where I really started to feel frustrated and wasn't about to wake three kids to pick him up just because he made a bad choice. During this time I had a couple trips that took me away from home for a couple days at a time and the kids would call and the first thing they would say is that he had been drinking all day.
Over the summer he took the kids to visit his family and gave me a week to myself. During this trip he took a side trip to Vegas. This whole trip was a nightmare..He got black out drunk both nights,lost over 2,000 dollars,missed a flight,woke up on the other side of the city,lost his brand new cell phone. We could not find him for hours at a time,it was horrible. This was when his mother realized he was an alcoholic and it broke her heart..His father was and still is an alcoholic and she left him when my husband and his siblings were very young because of the same behavior. She shared her stories with me..They lost all their friends, they could not go out if he was drinking for fear of a scene, he passed out, he wet the bed, he picked fights..you name it..we had it in common.
During this time he also gambled at night often spending hundreds of dollars and even $700 in a single night. A couple months later we were downtown at a wine tasting event and I know it sounds like a bad idea, but it's very hard for me to be assertive when he assures me he will be ok. He got drunk and quickly became moody. The other person with us was the one person that is aware of all his issues and we quickly enacted the plan we created in case he went overboard..We suggested dinner at the hotel and flagged a cab,but soon realized it was too late.. He refused to get in the cab and walked off. I tried to get him back to the cab but it was clear he was not coming and he got angry insisting that I leave. An hour later I got a call from the Police Department. He had been arrested for Public Intox and Indecency as he urinated in public. So, $1,000 for bail, $1200 for an attorney and another piece of my heart breaking.
Through this the kids became more disappointed and saddened by his behavior. He has driven intoxicated at times we were not here and he felt the need to get beer,he was pulled over not long ago but once again released as he passed the sobriety test (though i know he wasn't sober,but I was out of town and could not stop him). In the last year and a half I realized that he started drinking in the morning. He purposely wakes before I do to drink,then stops when he hears me coming down the stairs. I have to keep alcohol in the house to avoid him driving that way,which he will do and hiding the keys never seems to help because he has spares. he will stop drinking when i am up and have coffee til its about noon and he feels its ok to drink. He then continues til he goes to bed..Unfortunately he is able to drink during working hours and I never quite know what or how much he has had before coming home.
The last incident was a week ago. I woke up at 11am and he was already trashed..The kids were sitting in silence on the couch and I sat near them seeing the obvious tension on their faces. He was gambling online and cursing,slamming fists on the table. At this point he was literally drinking whatever mixer or liquor he could find. He was drinking rum on ice,whiskey on ice,midori on ice. Whatever was there..My son was complaining about too much milk in his cereal and he shoved him into the wall (he is 7yrs old) trying to move him. He didnt realize how aggressive he was being. I asked him to leave him alone and he immediately became angry. He called me a f-ing B and told me to F myself..He was hitting walls and saying I f-ing hate you. It just spiraled out of control. He tried to apologize to my son by picking him up but ended up hurting him. At this point I was quietly telling the kids to get their shoes on. He was locking the door and standing in front of it,very menacing. The name calling continued. At this point all the kids were in tears and I was trying so hard to hold it together. They ran to the car while he was in the other room but it all happened so fast they were in shorts and it was about 20 outside. It was just humiliating.. They cried the whole drive. I had to take them to the mall and buy them clothes because they were not dressed for the weather. We basically did what has become standard..A movie,dinner..Whatever takes long enough to assure he is passed out when we get home.
He had no memory of anything. He is always so sorry and apologetic. I know he is,but he feels like he has no control over it and I feel helpless. He has been a soldier for 17 years with an exemplary record, He has done FIVE deployments to Iraq and left for a SIXTH in the last week. The night before he left he got drunk,passed out and I had to stay up all night to be sure he was packed and ready for his departure. He drank the hour before he left,threw up everything in his stomach and went off to work (I drove him) like it wasn't a big deal. The only reason it has never affected his job is because of how we cover everything up. He manages not to drink when overseas but when he comes back he can not stop himself. He is lucky to still have such an amazing career given the level of drinking he does and I am grateful that he still manages to perform it at a level well beyond other.
Unfortunately his being a great soldier is not enough to keep from devastating me and our kids. They love him so much and have only rarely mentioned not liking him around at times. The sad thing is that when he is gone you can see it in them..They are happier, they worry less. They aren't scared to say the wrong thing or that he will be too drunk. They aren't afraid to bring friends over. It kills me to be here and see this. He is such an amazing man,he has achieved every goal he has ever set. To see him reduced to drinking,passing out,wetting the bed and vomiting..Literally destroying himself.. Just breaks my heart. He jokes about being an alcoholic at times and cries at others when he sees what he is doing to us..This last incident really hurt him,he said that he thinks he should leave to protect the kids and to protect me..Because he doesn't think I would ever have the heart to leave him.
It amazes me that it has taken me so long to reach a point where I will say he is an alcoholic and a point where I realize that I just..Don't think I can do this..Above that, I am ashamed of what the kids have had to see,that they are watching this too. There are times I feel like maybe it's not that bad,but I KNOW it is and I know the kids should be above all else and this is not good for them..At all. He has told me that he understands he has no right to ask me to stay and he will not fight me, he will give me everything, and never blame me. Yet it's still so hard to walk away. I still love him so much, but after endless talks about his drinking and him getting into more and more trouble. I just don't see an ending that leaves any of us happy. I don't want the kids to hate him, I don't want to hate him. But it is still SO very hard..
I feel so alone in this. My mother and two of my friends know, but there is not much anyone can do to make you feel like you aren't alone. They all think it is time for me to leave and have offered their help. Tonight I just felt the need to "talk" to someone that has been through this. I see very few stories online that talk about a spouse successfully ending their dependency which does not give me much hope. I guess I am just looking for a shoulder. Or some hope for the future. I am very much at a low right now and while the break his deployment provides is a small relief it is mixed with the sadness of the situation. As well as those very real everyday fears for his safety. It makes it very hard for me to find any balance. In any case,thank you for listening....
In the last few years he switched over to heavy drinking on weekends. Every weekend he would get trashed, no matter how bad it made him feel and he was fairly calm at the start of this heavier drinking but slowly became more moody when he would. He has always been a bit gruff so I would remind him of his temper and ask him to be patient when it came to the kids and discipline. In the last two years the drinking has turned into a daily thing. Seven days a week he consumes at least 8-12 beers a day,he starts at work and continues when he is home. He gets drunk a couple times a week and passes out a couple times a week as well. In the last two years it has become very obvious to the kids. He is mean,yells and is hard to be around at times. Others he is the fun guy that is too loud and silly. Either way we have all learned to measure how drunk he is by his behavior.
The last year and a half there have been several serious issues with his drinking. It started with a night that I woke him to ask him something,he got angry and started calling me names..Got in my face and threatened to hit me as he held me away. The neighbors heard this and called the police. He was arrested and had to stay away from the house for 3 days. Luckily the kids were out of town with his mother for a visit and did not see it. A few months later he got pulled over and given a sobriety test which was questionable but they let him go provided I pick him up. I refused and let them drive him home in the police car. This was where I really started to feel frustrated and wasn't about to wake three kids to pick him up just because he made a bad choice. During this time I had a couple trips that took me away from home for a couple days at a time and the kids would call and the first thing they would say is that he had been drinking all day.
Over the summer he took the kids to visit his family and gave me a week to myself. During this trip he took a side trip to Vegas. This whole trip was a nightmare..He got black out drunk both nights,lost over 2,000 dollars,missed a flight,woke up on the other side of the city,lost his brand new cell phone. We could not find him for hours at a time,it was horrible. This was when his mother realized he was an alcoholic and it broke her heart..His father was and still is an alcoholic and she left him when my husband and his siblings were very young because of the same behavior. She shared her stories with me..They lost all their friends, they could not go out if he was drinking for fear of a scene, he passed out, he wet the bed, he picked fights..you name it..we had it in common.
During this time he also gambled at night often spending hundreds of dollars and even $700 in a single night. A couple months later we were downtown at a wine tasting event and I know it sounds like a bad idea, but it's very hard for me to be assertive when he assures me he will be ok. He got drunk and quickly became moody. The other person with us was the one person that is aware of all his issues and we quickly enacted the plan we created in case he went overboard..We suggested dinner at the hotel and flagged a cab,but soon realized it was too late.. He refused to get in the cab and walked off. I tried to get him back to the cab but it was clear he was not coming and he got angry insisting that I leave. An hour later I got a call from the Police Department. He had been arrested for Public Intox and Indecency as he urinated in public. So, $1,000 for bail, $1200 for an attorney and another piece of my heart breaking.
Through this the kids became more disappointed and saddened by his behavior. He has driven intoxicated at times we were not here and he felt the need to get beer,he was pulled over not long ago but once again released as he passed the sobriety test (though i know he wasn't sober,but I was out of town and could not stop him). In the last year and a half I realized that he started drinking in the morning. He purposely wakes before I do to drink,then stops when he hears me coming down the stairs. I have to keep alcohol in the house to avoid him driving that way,which he will do and hiding the keys never seems to help because he has spares. he will stop drinking when i am up and have coffee til its about noon and he feels its ok to drink. He then continues til he goes to bed..Unfortunately he is able to drink during working hours and I never quite know what or how much he has had before coming home.
The last incident was a week ago. I woke up at 11am and he was already trashed..The kids were sitting in silence on the couch and I sat near them seeing the obvious tension on their faces. He was gambling online and cursing,slamming fists on the table. At this point he was literally drinking whatever mixer or liquor he could find. He was drinking rum on ice,whiskey on ice,midori on ice. Whatever was there..My son was complaining about too much milk in his cereal and he shoved him into the wall (he is 7yrs old) trying to move him. He didnt realize how aggressive he was being. I asked him to leave him alone and he immediately became angry. He called me a f-ing B and told me to F myself..He was hitting walls and saying I f-ing hate you. It just spiraled out of control. He tried to apologize to my son by picking him up but ended up hurting him. At this point I was quietly telling the kids to get their shoes on. He was locking the door and standing in front of it,very menacing. The name calling continued. At this point all the kids were in tears and I was trying so hard to hold it together. They ran to the car while he was in the other room but it all happened so fast they were in shorts and it was about 20 outside. It was just humiliating.. They cried the whole drive. I had to take them to the mall and buy them clothes because they were not dressed for the weather. We basically did what has become standard..A movie,dinner..Whatever takes long enough to assure he is passed out when we get home.
He had no memory of anything. He is always so sorry and apologetic. I know he is,but he feels like he has no control over it and I feel helpless. He has been a soldier for 17 years with an exemplary record, He has done FIVE deployments to Iraq and left for a SIXTH in the last week. The night before he left he got drunk,passed out and I had to stay up all night to be sure he was packed and ready for his departure. He drank the hour before he left,threw up everything in his stomach and went off to work (I drove him) like it wasn't a big deal. The only reason it has never affected his job is because of how we cover everything up. He manages not to drink when overseas but when he comes back he can not stop himself. He is lucky to still have such an amazing career given the level of drinking he does and I am grateful that he still manages to perform it at a level well beyond other.
Unfortunately his being a great soldier is not enough to keep from devastating me and our kids. They love him so much and have only rarely mentioned not liking him around at times. The sad thing is that when he is gone you can see it in them..They are happier, they worry less. They aren't scared to say the wrong thing or that he will be too drunk. They aren't afraid to bring friends over. It kills me to be here and see this. He is such an amazing man,he has achieved every goal he has ever set. To see him reduced to drinking,passing out,wetting the bed and vomiting..Literally destroying himself.. Just breaks my heart. He jokes about being an alcoholic at times and cries at others when he sees what he is doing to us..This last incident really hurt him,he said that he thinks he should leave to protect the kids and to protect me..Because he doesn't think I would ever have the heart to leave him.
It amazes me that it has taken me so long to reach a point where I will say he is an alcoholic and a point where I realize that I just..Don't think I can do this..Above that, I am ashamed of what the kids have had to see,that they are watching this too. There are times I feel like maybe it's not that bad,but I KNOW it is and I know the kids should be above all else and this is not good for them..At all. He has told me that he understands he has no right to ask me to stay and he will not fight me, he will give me everything, and never blame me. Yet it's still so hard to walk away. I still love him so much, but after endless talks about his drinking and him getting into more and more trouble. I just don't see an ending that leaves any of us happy. I don't want the kids to hate him, I don't want to hate him. But it is still SO very hard..
I feel so alone in this. My mother and two of my friends know, but there is not much anyone can do to make you feel like you aren't alone. They all think it is time for me to leave and have offered their help. Tonight I just felt the need to "talk" to someone that has been through this. I see very few stories online that talk about a spouse successfully ending their dependency which does not give me much hope. I guess I am just looking for a shoulder. Or some hope for the future. I am very much at a low right now and while the break his deployment provides is a small relief it is mixed with the sadness of the situation. As well as those very real everyday fears for his safety. It makes it very hard for me to find any balance. In any case,thank you for listening....
Nonexistent Willpower
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 439
Thanks for sharing Parkerz and welcome to the board.
I say do not give up. There is a solution, and hence great hope for your family. Thousands of families do recover and become happier and more whole than ever.
However, the recovery rates from alcoholism are low. I'm proud to see your husband is a brave soldier serving his country. If he has willingness and discipline he can do it. Which I'm sure he does.
You and the children will need the same qualities. Do you live in a decent sized city, or near one? If so here is one 2-step plan:
1. You and the kids go to Al-Anon.
2. He goes to AA.
Problem solved!
OK not that easy but they will show you how. I know AA will show him how to get sober, and Al-Anon will show you how to "help" him get sober so to speak, by not enabling him, and taking care of you instead.
It may help you to try to focus on alcoholism as a disease, which you seem to understand already.
A person has cancer: Everyone feels sorry for him.
A person has alcoholism: Everyone wants to spank him! (understandably)
So you're right. It may be well beyond his control and he may need some serious help from what it sounds like. In the meantime the more you and the kids can prepare to deal with him and for him, the easier it will be for the entire family.
Thanks again for sharing your story. You are NOT alone...
I say do not give up. There is a solution, and hence great hope for your family. Thousands of families do recover and become happier and more whole than ever.
However, the recovery rates from alcoholism are low. I'm proud to see your husband is a brave soldier serving his country. If he has willingness and discipline he can do it. Which I'm sure he does.
You and the children will need the same qualities. Do you live in a decent sized city, or near one? If so here is one 2-step plan:
1. You and the kids go to Al-Anon.
2. He goes to AA.
Problem solved!
OK not that easy but they will show you how. I know AA will show him how to get sober, and Al-Anon will show you how to "help" him get sober so to speak, by not enabling him, and taking care of you instead.
It may help you to try to focus on alcoholism as a disease, which you seem to understand already.
A person has cancer: Everyone feels sorry for him.
A person has alcoholism: Everyone wants to spank him! (understandably)
So you're right. It may be well beyond his control and he may need some serious help from what it sounds like. In the meantime the more you and the kids can prepare to deal with him and for him, the easier it will be for the entire family.
Thanks again for sharing your story. You are NOT alone...
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome !
Do try al-anon, it has helped so many in similar situations " to find balance "
It helps to have a safe place to be honest about yourself and to share with others who understand and tell how they find serenity and recovery from the despair you too know about.
You deserve peace and joy;a sponsor can be useful to show you how to go about it.
Don't be afraid to ask for
Do try al-anon, it has helped so many in similar situations " to find balance "
It helps to have a safe place to be honest about yourself and to share with others who understand and tell how they find serenity and recovery from the despair you too know about.
You deserve peace and joy;a sponsor can be useful to show you how to go about it.
Don't be afraid to ask for
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
I do appreciate the suggestions, but there are concerns with sticking around..First of all. He has become increasingly volatile and has crossed a line by physically harming one of our kids. Intentional or not,he hurt my 7yr old son. I would love for him to go to AA, but am I supposed to gamble on it working,at my the expense of my kids? How much of his behavior should they be allowed to witness? I just can't see myself staying here with the kids,while he gets help. The problem with that is I feel like he would certainly get worse if I did leave. I am just terrified of him hurting one of them again,or even worse. As far as the Al-anon goes, I have looked into it but so far it hasn't been practical. I am a full time student, I work part time, I am a mother of three and my husband is deployed. There is so little time for anything since he has been gone that it has not been possible as of yet. I really am working hard to come to some kind of plan that I can map out and stick with,it just isn't easy. I do know that when he is here, my resolve to make or demand change weakens because I realize that his job can be a tremendous stress at times and I feel as though I add to that. I just wish there were easy answers. I am leaning towards getting a place when he comes back from his deployment and telling him that he needs to get help before I will move back in. After 16+ years of trying to change his drinking issues, I just can't take it for granted that he will take me seriously THIS time. I have done that for years and now because of it my kids have had to see and live through things that I could have prevented.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
They have to want to get better. I was a child of an alcoholic and I loved my Dad but it may have been better if Mom had left . It took a while but I did leave my marriage. The disease is progressive. I hope you can get to Alanon meetings. He probably has PTSD and is trying to cover up his feelings. My Dad was a fighter pilot in WW2. There are Alateen meetings for kids. Work on giving him some boundaries and maybe a trial seperation if he continues to drink when he returns. Don't try to stop the consequences. He has to pay the piper. I was afraid of the financial stuff with my X because I was getting ready to retire. That was one deciding factor in my decision to divorce. Now he is the only one effected by his choices and he is losing everything. We have been there. You are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
Carol,
That is true..They have to want to. We have had many conversations about his drinking and while he knows it is a huge problems he has never said he would or wants to get help. It sounds like he has resigned himself to being an alcoholic and doesn't think there is much room for change. After every incident even though he is sorry there is no lapse in drinking,he starts right back up the very next day. If there is to be a point he reaches to get help,he is not there yet. I worry that exposing the kids to this longer will make them angry and him as well as me for not taking some kind of stand. I have big kids and I realize that this plays into their development. I want them to have a healthy perspective where alcohol and what is acceptable is, I want them to have the self esteem to stand up for themselves, I want them to see that they deserve better, that they are worth more to me than my level of comfort is. That they are worth more, than his level of comfort is. I just feel like something needs to change. I don't doubt that his deployments have added to his anxiety and stress , but I don't think I can label PTSD as his biggest issue. He had drinking issues well before the deployments began. I feel like I have to spend my time thinking of what needs to be done and planning so that I don't fall into self pity. I am walking a fine line between ok and absolute mess. The last few days it has taken every ounce of control to stop myself from just collapsing into a heap and crying my eyes out.
That is true..They have to want to. We have had many conversations about his drinking and while he knows it is a huge problems he has never said he would or wants to get help. It sounds like he has resigned himself to being an alcoholic and doesn't think there is much room for change. After every incident even though he is sorry there is no lapse in drinking,he starts right back up the very next day. If there is to be a point he reaches to get help,he is not there yet. I worry that exposing the kids to this longer will make them angry and him as well as me for not taking some kind of stand. I have big kids and I realize that this plays into their development. I want them to have a healthy perspective where alcohol and what is acceptable is, I want them to have the self esteem to stand up for themselves, I want them to see that they deserve better, that they are worth more to me than my level of comfort is. That they are worth more, than his level of comfort is. I just feel like something needs to change. I don't doubt that his deployments have added to his anxiety and stress , but I don't think I can label PTSD as his biggest issue. He had drinking issues well before the deployments began. I feel like I have to spend my time thinking of what needs to be done and planning so that I don't fall into self pity. I am walking a fine line between ok and absolute mess. The last few days it has taken every ounce of control to stop myself from just collapsing into a heap and crying my eyes out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Yes I am sure the children love him he is their father,howeverthat doesn't mean they want to have him in the same house they are in.
Your story is so sad I feel had I stayed a minute longer in my marriage I would be were you are now.
Being the child of an alcoholic has terrrible results in the childs life as they grow into adults.Please read the stickies under adult children of alcoholics in this forum. It took me a long time to realize the effects of my childhood in my adult life.
He pushed your 7 year old into a wall however that may have happened it is scary to live with someone who makes you feel afraid and unsafe.
Think of all you are dealing with and imagine how the kids feel,they are children dealing with very big adult issues.
Life does get better when you are away from them.I am not saying it will be easy It has been 3 years since I left my EXAH.
You and your children deserve so much better,I wish you peace.
Your story is so sad I feel had I stayed a minute longer in my marriage I would be were you are now.
Being the child of an alcoholic has terrrible results in the childs life as they grow into adults.Please read the stickies under adult children of alcoholics in this forum. It took me a long time to realize the effects of my childhood in my adult life.
He pushed your 7 year old into a wall however that may have happened it is scary to live with someone who makes you feel afraid and unsafe.
Think of all you are dealing with and imagine how the kids feel,they are children dealing with very big adult issues.
Life does get better when you are away from them.I am not saying it will be easy It has been 3 years since I left my EXAH.
You and your children deserve so much better,I wish you peace.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
You will find lots of support and understanding here. I found a lot of wisdom in the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are also in the sticky posts.
I understand what it is like to have an alcoholic in your home and in your bed. I finally reached a point where I began to want more for myself and my children. I did not want my daughter to think it was okay for a marriage partner to keep breaking promises and not having any consequences. I did not want my son to think that angry outbursts and throwing things was a healthy way to express your frustrations. I did not want them to think I was not capable of protecting them. I wanted them to believe in me.
I had made up my mind to leave him when I went to my first Alanon meeting. I was not sure Alanon was for me because so much of their literature talks about loving detachment, compassion, etc....I took the advise that was offered to me at my 2nd Alanon meeting "Try about 6 meetings to see if Alanon is for you." I did. It works for me. Alanon has helped me develop skills to live my life in peace and serenity. I am gaining life skills that help me in personal and professional relationships.
I have used Alanon meetings, SR and self-help books in my recovery journey. We are here to support you as you begin your personal journey of recovery.
You will find lots of support and understanding here. I found a lot of wisdom in the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are also in the sticky posts.
I understand what it is like to have an alcoholic in your home and in your bed. I finally reached a point where I began to want more for myself and my children. I did not want my daughter to think it was okay for a marriage partner to keep breaking promises and not having any consequences. I did not want my son to think that angry outbursts and throwing things was a healthy way to express your frustrations. I did not want them to think I was not capable of protecting them. I wanted them to believe in me.
I had made up my mind to leave him when I went to my first Alanon meeting. I was not sure Alanon was for me because so much of their literature talks about loving detachment, compassion, etc....I took the advise that was offered to me at my 2nd Alanon meeting "Try about 6 meetings to see if Alanon is for you." I did. It works for me. Alanon has helped me develop skills to live my life in peace and serenity. I am gaining life skills that help me in personal and professional relationships.
I have used Alanon meetings, SR and self-help books in my recovery journey. We are here to support you as you begin your personal journey of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi and welcome parkerz-
the first step is to admit you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable. next, is to hand it over to your HP and trust that he can return the situation to one that is calm, loving and peaceful.
i know how hard it is to make a move or even a decision when you are exhausted from your unmanageable situation.
your situation sounds dangerous to me, for you and the children. the main threat which must be removed is his increasing physical violence.
use this time of his deployment wisely. you are all still in one piece.
if you do choose to leave, take note that leaving is a very dangerous time and take steps to formulate a sound exit plan that minimizes any and all risks. we can help there, if you decide to leave. i found it very helpful to brainstorm here and many thought of things i would have missed and to be frank, it saved my life.
so, welcome and there is a way out. it's not easy but there is a peaceful, safe future waiting for you and your three children. and for him too, but right now, you as the sole sane and sober parent, you need to take care of the four of you first.
naive
the first step is to admit you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable. next, is to hand it over to your HP and trust that he can return the situation to one that is calm, loving and peaceful.
i know how hard it is to make a move or even a decision when you are exhausted from your unmanageable situation.
your situation sounds dangerous to me, for you and the children. the main threat which must be removed is his increasing physical violence.
use this time of his deployment wisely. you are all still in one piece.
if you do choose to leave, take note that leaving is a very dangerous time and take steps to formulate a sound exit plan that minimizes any and all risks. we can help there, if you decide to leave. i found it very helpful to brainstorm here and many thought of things i would have missed and to be frank, it saved my life.
so, welcome and there is a way out. it's not easy but there is a peaceful, safe future waiting for you and your three children. and for him too, but right now, you as the sole sane and sober parent, you need to take care of the four of you first.
naive
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
First , I am sorry and understand much of what you are going through as many here do.
You mention he has achieved every goal he has ever set. Then does he not want to quit drinking or has he not achieved something he wants to achieve?
There are different opinions here on alcoholism in regards to it definition of 'disease.' I prefer to look at within the ability of choices and abuses.There is one that stands out in your story. Your husband manages not to drink when overseas, evidence of a choice to control the alcohol consumption that effects his behaviors.
Parkerz said: My AH proclaimed something similar at a point in our marriage. I had told him I didn't want a divorce, I wanted him to stop drinking and that if he continued drinking i was going to want a divorce. He responded at the time he would release me, he understood. I look back now and believe he told me that because he really had no intent or believed he would/could stop drinking. It was about a year and a half later I told him I was going to get a divorce. Oddly when I said I 'was' going to divorce him his response was not an attitude of release towards my decision.
Parkerz said: This is VERY common among families with abuse. My history and misplacement of my own worldview led me to this position beyond how I felt, however, still something that kept me in bondage as I had misplaced understandings of suffering and sacrifice in the commitment and unity of marriage: "Other people have it worse."
Actually, as I read your story I think,"She is one of the people who has it worse." We all have levels of having the ability to live and let live and the expectation of what has to function in the marriage partnership to decide if something in it is a deal breaker. Personally marriage is pointless to me if it is all "live and let live." For me a clear deal breaker is sleeping with someone besides me. When reading stories here on spouses who cheated on top of abusive drinking, (plus some not holding a job and spending huge amounts of money) I think," get the hell out, what are you even debating with yourself about?!!!" Some people here my story and they think," get out ." I read your story and I think, "get out."
Parkerz said: I am in the " I love him now like a brother instead of a husband" catagory. I have this idea in my head that this is why it makes it easier for me to end the marriage, no romantic feelings left. However, certain situations would have immediately ended our marriage no matter where i was in the romantic state.
If you left and he did blame you would you be guilty for leaving? If he were to stick to his statement of not blaming you and giving you everything it would be the exception. My AH made the statement that i could have everything. First it isn't fair in my situation( we have a situation where it is not just " what is left") however, his definition of everything is not in line with reality. Alcoholics often have a problem with reality when it actually hits. In some cases what he wants in supposedly giving me everything is not the fair share for the situations involved. As to not blaming me for 'divorce', this is also not actual in reality. In my experiences I would say one of the greatest behavioral issues with an alcoholic is their lack of reality in their extent of blaming others.
If his mind set is one of setting you free , at present, you might want to take him up on it. Notice he said "he should leave" instead of 'he should stop drinking' to protect himself, his marriage and his family.
You mention he has achieved every goal he has ever set. Then does he not want to quit drinking or has he not achieved something he wants to achieve?
There are different opinions here on alcoholism in regards to it definition of 'disease.' I prefer to look at within the ability of choices and abuses.There is one that stands out in your story. Your husband manages not to drink when overseas, evidence of a choice to control the alcohol consumption that effects his behaviors.
Parkerz said:
This last incident really hurt him,he said that he thinks he should leave to protect the kids and to protect me..Because he doesn't think I would ever have the heart to leave him.
Parkerz said:
There are times I feel like maybe it's not that bad,but I KNOW it is ...
Actually, as I read your story I think,"She is one of the people who has it worse." We all have levels of having the ability to live and let live and the expectation of what has to function in the marriage partnership to decide if something in it is a deal breaker. Personally marriage is pointless to me if it is all "live and let live." For me a clear deal breaker is sleeping with someone besides me. When reading stories here on spouses who cheated on top of abusive drinking, (plus some not holding a job and spending huge amounts of money) I think," get the hell out, what are you even debating with yourself about?!!!" Some people here my story and they think," get out ." I read your story and I think, "get out."
Parkerz said:
He has told me that he understands he has no right to ask me to stay and he will not fight me, he will give me everything, and never blame me. Yet it's still so hard to walk away. I still love him so much, but after endless talks about his drinking and him getting into more and more trouble. I just don't see an ending that leaves any of us happy. I don't want the kids to hate him, I don't want to hate him. But it is still SO very hard..
If you left and he did blame you would you be guilty for leaving? If he were to stick to his statement of not blaming you and giving you everything it would be the exception. My AH made the statement that i could have everything. First it isn't fair in my situation( we have a situation where it is not just " what is left") however, his definition of everything is not in line with reality. Alcoholics often have a problem with reality when it actually hits. In some cases what he wants in supposedly giving me everything is not the fair share for the situations involved. As to not blaming me for 'divorce', this is also not actual in reality. In my experiences I would say one of the greatest behavioral issues with an alcoholic is their lack of reality in their extent of blaming others.
If his mind set is one of setting you free , at present, you might want to take him up on it. Notice he said "he should leave" instead of 'he should stop drinking' to protect himself, his marriage and his family.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by AWEDA 
Being the child of an alcoholic has terrrible results in the childs life as they grow into adults.Please read the stickies under adult children of alcoholics in this forum. It took me a long time to realize the effects of my childhood in my adult life.
He pushed your 7 year old into a wall however that may have happened it is scary to live with someone who makes you feel afraid and unsafe.
Think of all you are dealing with and imagine how the kids feel,they are children dealing with very big adult issues.
Life does get better when you are away from them.I am not saying it will be easy It has been 3 years since I left my EXAH.
You and your children deserve so much better,I wish you peace.
My little girl was only 5 when I managed to get her mom out of the house with a lot of help from HP, Alanon, CPS, the courts, police etc..She is 8 now and we are doing much better, but the level of her understanding back then was MUCH MORE than I was willing to believe.
A CPS judge "sentenced" me to Alanon, I didn't "have time for it" either. Now 4 years later I still make time for 1 or 2 meetings a week and am still learning how to recover from my AXW's drinking.
BTW, she is still drinking and as a result my DD has an "imaginary" mom that we are trying to manifest to fill that void. We know it's just pretend, and we have fun with it, but I know both of us wish it were true.
Alcoholism is a terrible thing and it will go on for generations if "we" don't make a stand to stop it.
Good luck to you and may God bless you all.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
There are times I feel like maybe it's not that bad,but I KNOW it is and I know the kids should be above all else and this is not good for them..At all.
Do all you can to keep this in the forefront of your mind as you continue to reach out and seek help! Never forget that you know this. The kids should absolutely be above all else, they are children and you two are the adults, and for whatever reason - does not matter why, you are the sane and sober parent who is now in charge of protecting them, giving them the good examples of how to live, and good examples of healthy relationships and how to manage stress and money etc.
It's great you are here and seeking help! Keep reaching out and accepting help - sometimes just following directions (as Coyote had to do because of court-ordered AlAnon) - is the key to changing your life!
Stay strong - use this time that he is away to make a little plan for improvement. He has hurt your child, his own child. What more is it gonna take? Things can get very bad very fast. Please take care of you & the kids. That you will never regret.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
peace-
b
Do all you can to keep this in the forefront of your mind as you continue to reach out and seek help! Never forget that you know this. The kids should absolutely be above all else, they are children and you two are the adults, and for whatever reason - does not matter why, you are the sane and sober parent who is now in charge of protecting them, giving them the good examples of how to live, and good examples of healthy relationships and how to manage stress and money etc.
It's great you are here and seeking help! Keep reaching out and accepting help - sometimes just following directions (as Coyote had to do because of court-ordered AlAnon) - is the key to changing your life!
Stay strong - use this time that he is away to make a little plan for improvement. He has hurt your child, his own child. What more is it gonna take? Things can get very bad very fast. Please take care of you & the kids. That you will never regret.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hi Parkerz,
I think you are very brave and strong to have dealt with these issues for so long. You might not feel like it, but you are. And I encourage you to use your strength and bravery to follow your heart in this.
It sounds as though you've already made up your mind to leave while AH is deployed. You should follow your instincts. So often we, as spouses of Alcoholics do have great instincts, or gut feelings. People on this SR forum are unlikely to tell you what to do (like leave him, stay with him, whatever). But most of us believe in following our instincts. I'm thinking, if you have already made up your mind to leave, you probably already have at least somewhat of a plan. We here on SR can help with information on things you need to include in your plan. We've been there and done that.
Hugs to you Parkerz for all the horribly difficult things you're dealing with, and applause for your strength!
Keep reading and posting here. We're here for you, and are on your side, and have been through what you're going through.
Tigger
I think you are very brave and strong to have dealt with these issues for so long. You might not feel like it, but you are. And I encourage you to use your strength and bravery to follow your heart in this.
It sounds as though you've already made up your mind to leave while AH is deployed. You should follow your instincts. So often we, as spouses of Alcoholics do have great instincts, or gut feelings. People on this SR forum are unlikely to tell you what to do (like leave him, stay with him, whatever). But most of us believe in following our instincts. I'm thinking, if you have already made up your mind to leave, you probably already have at least somewhat of a plan. We here on SR can help with information on things you need to include in your plan. We've been there and done that.
Hugs to you Parkerz for all the horribly difficult things you're dealing with, and applause for your strength!
Keep reading and posting here. We're here for you, and are on your side, and have been through what you're going through.
Tigger
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi parkerz and welcome!
great advice and companionship here, glad you found us.
What a classic story of the progression of the phenomenon of alcoholism.
Do you have a 'bug out' plan?
Since you said you were a military family - I've known few officers who haven't made SOME kind of 'bug out' plan for their family- it kinda goes with the territory. You know, for the imenent invasion or the End Of The World...
Because I need to know you understand something, hon.
Violence in the home never DEcreases.
Ever.
Since one of my four ... relationships ... was miltary based, I know for a FACT that the military has turned its' eye towards recovery in soldiers especially since the recent heat from the media about vets coming home alcoholics.
(echoes of vietnam vets coming home heroin addicted back in my youth.)
But I firmly believe you should be getting yourself prepared.
I agree that he doesn't sound as if he's going to seek anything on his own
great soldier or not -
a coward is what it amounts to, badgering a 7 year old.
A bully and a coward.
I don't care ow many bullets he might have in his arse
from however many wars -
nothing shall be done to harm the children.
They live in fear in their own home.
They have no safe place.
They need one.
Period.
I hope you'll read the stickies at the top of the forum,
and see about makiing your own plan
which I hope you don't have to use.
You're not alone, hon.
Read that again.
great advice and companionship here, glad you found us.
What a classic story of the progression of the phenomenon of alcoholism.
Do you have a 'bug out' plan?
Since you said you were a military family - I've known few officers who haven't made SOME kind of 'bug out' plan for their family- it kinda goes with the territory. You know, for the imenent invasion or the End Of The World...
Because I need to know you understand something, hon.
Violence in the home never DEcreases.
Ever.
Since one of my four ... relationships ... was miltary based, I know for a FACT that the military has turned its' eye towards recovery in soldiers especially since the recent heat from the media about vets coming home alcoholics.
(echoes of vietnam vets coming home heroin addicted back in my youth.)
But I firmly believe you should be getting yourself prepared.
I agree that he doesn't sound as if he's going to seek anything on his own
great soldier or not -
a coward is what it amounts to, badgering a 7 year old.
A bully and a coward.
I don't care ow many bullets he might have in his arse
from however many wars -
nothing shall be done to harm the children.
They live in fear in their own home.
They have no safe place.
They need one.
Period.
I hope you'll read the stickies at the top of the forum,
and see about makiing your own plan
which I hope you don't have to use.
You're not alone, hon.
Read that again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
parker,
i am sorry you are living in such painful circumstances. interesting the fact that he does not drink to excess while on active duty (or so you think).
he does not wish to quit drinking; that is clear. hard for us to understand, but he loves the bottle over all else. it has served him for many years. it is very, very scary to put it down.
often times the alcoholic finds sobriety after the spouse joins al-anon. might you find an al-anon meeting where there is "daycare" provided? or could the children stay home (i bet the 13-year-old is quite capable) for two hours a week while you attend? you will find friends there, who understand and don't judge, and you could get a sponsor to help navigate the things going round and round in your head. S/R is great, but face-to-face is very beneficial.
you are aware of the abuse being inflicted on your children; you KNOW they need a safe and peaceful home. yet something is holding you back a little. not a critism; i understand the dynamics.
i vote for taking him up on his offer of leaving and supporting his family. if you can, do not uproot the children - he should be the one to leave. too often, we spend so much of our energy putting out fires, stopping the consequences of the A's behaviors, and staying stuck in our own pain, and the children's needs get neglected. right now you have come to the realization and wish to do the right thing by them. and they will see a strength in you - i know mine did, or do now that they are older and have a deeper understanding.
so glad you found S/R and are reaching out. it is very important first step.
i am sorry you are living in such painful circumstances. interesting the fact that he does not drink to excess while on active duty (or so you think).
he does not wish to quit drinking; that is clear. hard for us to understand, but he loves the bottle over all else. it has served him for many years. it is very, very scary to put it down.
often times the alcoholic finds sobriety after the spouse joins al-anon. might you find an al-anon meeting where there is "daycare" provided? or could the children stay home (i bet the 13-year-old is quite capable) for two hours a week while you attend? you will find friends there, who understand and don't judge, and you could get a sponsor to help navigate the things going round and round in your head. S/R is great, but face-to-face is very beneficial.
you are aware of the abuse being inflicted on your children; you KNOW they need a safe and peaceful home. yet something is holding you back a little. not a critism; i understand the dynamics.
i vote for taking him up on his offer of leaving and supporting his family. if you can, do not uproot the children - he should be the one to leave. too often, we spend so much of our energy putting out fires, stopping the consequences of the A's behaviors, and staying stuck in our own pain, and the children's needs get neglected. right now you have come to the realization and wish to do the right thing by them. and they will see a strength in you - i know mine did, or do now that they are older and have a deeper understanding.
so glad you found S/R and are reaching out. it is very important first step.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Parkerz, I was looking at old posts tonight and came upon this thread. I just wanted to add, if you're still with us, (and I hope you are), that you seem to be really wanting to do action A--leaving while he's been deployed--that that is what feels right in your gut, but you're looking for permission to do it. I was exactly where you are (a boundary was crossed and it gave me permission to go ahead and leave, which is what I really wanted to do). Can I just say, a boundary was totally crossed (abusing your son) and you have permission, from your HP, from a moral and ethical standpoint, from whatever, from me, from this board, from people who love you...to take this opportunity to leave him. It will not be easy, but I think it will start you on the path to peace. And you are so right when you say that you have to put the kids needs first. I don't know if I would have ever left if we didn't have a dd whose needs it felt easier to care about than my own. Do it for them first, and then figure out in therapy and Al-Anon why you could have done it guilt-free for yourself sooner than you did. Fake it till you make it. Your kids need you.
And again, It's OK, hell, even the MORAL, RIGHT, and WISE thing to do, to put them, and you, first. I keep needing to hear that, and I suspect you do too.
And again, It's OK, hell, even the MORAL, RIGHT, and WISE thing to do, to put them, and you, first. I keep needing to hear that, and I suspect you do too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Your story is so familiar to me. The anger, the passing out, the "no memory of it," the embarrassment, loss of social life, fearful, tearful children. I was living practically the same life in 2005. I felt like I was in hell, and I was.
Here is what I did. I made my husband leave the house. I found a therapist. I didn't want to, but I was so desperate I didn't know what else to do. I spilled my guts to her, and she convinced me that my children needed help, too. We all saw her, together and separately, for about a year. It was the best thing I ever did.
I believe as the wife of an active-duty soldier, there are counseling resources available to you. I hope you will seek them out. Your life can get better--much better.
L
Here is what I did. I made my husband leave the house. I found a therapist. I didn't want to, but I was so desperate I didn't know what else to do. I spilled my guts to her, and she convinced me that my children needed help, too. We all saw her, together and separately, for about a year. It was the best thing I ever did.
I believe as the wife of an active-duty soldier, there are counseling resources available to you. I hope you will seek them out. Your life can get better--much better.
L
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