Having a minor meltdown
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
Having a minor meltdown
I spoke to sober exABF this morning on the phone. I wanted his advice on something and we had a good talk and he seemed sensible, knowledgeable and was able to help me with what I needed. He had just been to the ski hill to sign up as an instructor. He sounded good.
A couple of hours later he turned up at my house (I am working at home right now). He wanted some lunch so I fed him a sandwich and then he got into "Please lend me some money. I have a check that's going to bounce at the bank". I told him for the umpteenth time "I don't lend you money any more because in the past you have not paid me back" which he denied. He owes me about $17,000. Then he goes into how mean I am and I'm no good in bed (pretending it's a joke). How he has no food (I suggested the food bank) and how he's going to kill himself after throwing his cat off the balcony. And he scares my cats for the fun of it after I have repeatedly told him to stop.
He left and I went back to work but I've been feeling icky and I came here and started reading some posts (you guys always make me feel better) and I then suddenly just burst into tears.
It feels like watching someone you love dying. I just don't know what to do. I can't give him money and I think I can't even give him support as a friend because he just abuses my friendship and upsets me. He's just not coping with everyday life and expects me to step in and rescue him. I just keep telling myself he has to learn how to do these things himself. If he doesn't have enough money to cover a check, of course it will bounce and you have to pay the penalty.
Any ideas?
Spinner
A couple of hours later he turned up at my house (I am working at home right now). He wanted some lunch so I fed him a sandwich and then he got into "Please lend me some money. I have a check that's going to bounce at the bank". I told him for the umpteenth time "I don't lend you money any more because in the past you have not paid me back" which he denied. He owes me about $17,000. Then he goes into how mean I am and I'm no good in bed (pretending it's a joke). How he has no food (I suggested the food bank) and how he's going to kill himself after throwing his cat off the balcony. And he scares my cats for the fun of it after I have repeatedly told him to stop.
He left and I went back to work but I've been feeling icky and I came here and started reading some posts (you guys always make me feel better) and I then suddenly just burst into tears.
It feels like watching someone you love dying. I just don't know what to do. I can't give him money and I think I can't even give him support as a friend because he just abuses my friendship and upsets me. He's just not coping with everyday life and expects me to step in and rescue him. I just keep telling myself he has to learn how to do these things himself. If he doesn't have enough money to cover a check, of course it will bounce and you have to pay the penalty.
Any ideas?
Spinner
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Stay the course, and stop asking him for advice on anything. He obviously takes your opening the door a tiny crack as an initation to move in and wallow around in your home and heart. Like those mucinex monsters on TV.
Learn to live your life without him in it. It's really hard, though.(((hugs)))
Learn to live your life without him in it. It's really hard, though.(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
Thanks Stella and KP. It's good just to come here and tell someone what's happening.
I am struggling with the thought that bf is not a good person. I am the kind of person who wants to see the good in everyone. Maybe that's why it hurts so much when he treats me badly because I can't imagine treating him or anyone like that.
It's hard to imagine being so self centred that you don't care about anyone but yourself. Even my cats are nicer than that! When I was crying they all came around and cuddled me.
I think I will have to go no contact.
Spinner
I am struggling with the thought that bf is not a good person. I am the kind of person who wants to see the good in everyone. Maybe that's why it hurts so much when he treats me badly because I can't imagine treating him or anyone like that.
It's hard to imagine being so self centred that you don't care about anyone but yourself. Even my cats are nicer than that! When I was crying they all came around and cuddled me.
I think I will have to go no contact.
Spinner
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
It was hard for me to, to actually absorb the fact that YES, he was lying, and YES, he was using me. I know that my xabf loves me, but because of his addiction, he's not able to stop himself from trying to take advantage of me and manipulate me. That's just the way it is.
Picture yourself in a little helium balloon basket, you're hovering in place close to the ground, and your xabf is hanging on a line, holding you down. Cut the line, get rid of the dead weight, and soar sister! Up up and away!
It's going to get better. It sounds like your on you're way.
Picture yourself in a little helium balloon basket, you're hovering in place close to the ground, and your xabf is hanging on a line, holding you down. Cut the line, get rid of the dead weight, and soar sister! Up up and away!
It's going to get better. It sounds like your on you're way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I started out wondering if I could stay in some form of contact from a distance with my XABF.
He always sounded so reasonable when I would talk to him on the phone, but when I had to stop paying for his car insurance and phone bill, he turned nasty. Then, If I didn't return his phone calls quickly or didn't text him right back the messages he left got more bitter and he would get so angry and he'd make threats to make me miserable or other such things.
I accepted that he would not change because we separated. He would continue to use me as a scapegoat for all things that didn't go well for him and that he would continue to threaten me if I didn't return to my post as his enabler.
I chose the healthier path for me and cut him off from my life. He still tries to get past my defenses calling from unknown numbers and such and may one day track me down or catch me off gaurd, and I will deal with that when it comes, but I know that once he gets an inch he will take a mile. The only person paying the price for that is me.
Stay no contact. Need advice come here. Need info on how to fix the sink, look it up online. Need a reference, call on a neighbor. There's nothing you need from someone who will only bleed you dry of your emotional health.
Best to you,
Alice
He always sounded so reasonable when I would talk to him on the phone, but when I had to stop paying for his car insurance and phone bill, he turned nasty. Then, If I didn't return his phone calls quickly or didn't text him right back the messages he left got more bitter and he would get so angry and he'd make threats to make me miserable or other such things.
I accepted that he would not change because we separated. He would continue to use me as a scapegoat for all things that didn't go well for him and that he would continue to threaten me if I didn't return to my post as his enabler.
I chose the healthier path for me and cut him off from my life. He still tries to get past my defenses calling from unknown numbers and such and may one day track me down or catch me off gaurd, and I will deal with that when it comes, but I know that once he gets an inch he will take a mile. The only person paying the price for that is me.
Stay no contact. Need advice come here. Need info on how to fix the sink, look it up online. Need a reference, call on a neighbor. There's nothing you need from someone who will only bleed you dry of your emotional health.
Best to you,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi spinner-
for myself, going no contact gave me a bit of distance and space to begin to process my feelings. at first, i felt like i had been hit by a bus emotionally, physically and financially. as the time of no contact went on, acceptance started to settle in. now, i am finally at the point where i can begin to look at my own contribution to our bus wreck.
i don't think i could have gone those those stages without totally removing him from the picture. no contact gave me the luxury of time to process, without him forever pulling at my good nature, upsetting me emotionally and making desperate demands.
acceptance took a long time to come. acceptance of who he is versus who i thought he was or wished he was. acceptance that he will chose the drink over everything. i suppose this is us coming out of our own denial.
at the end of the day, i really do believe that the most loving thing to do is to let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. we all understand that we do them no favors shielding them from this. in fact, we harbor the disease and give it room to take a further grip on them.
sometimes the right choice and the hard choice are the same. in the case of going no contact, i feel this is true. it's very difficult to step back and let their house of cards fall in on them but this might be the one thing which opens their eyes.
for myself, going no contact gave me a bit of distance and space to begin to process my feelings. at first, i felt like i had been hit by a bus emotionally, physically and financially. as the time of no contact went on, acceptance started to settle in. now, i am finally at the point where i can begin to look at my own contribution to our bus wreck.
i don't think i could have gone those those stages without totally removing him from the picture. no contact gave me the luxury of time to process, without him forever pulling at my good nature, upsetting me emotionally and making desperate demands.
acceptance took a long time to come. acceptance of who he is versus who i thought he was or wished he was. acceptance that he will chose the drink over everything. i suppose this is us coming out of our own denial.
at the end of the day, i really do believe that the most loving thing to do is to let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. we all understand that we do them no favors shielding them from this. in fact, we harbor the disease and give it room to take a further grip on them.
sometimes the right choice and the hard choice are the same. in the case of going no contact, i feel this is true. it's very difficult to step back and let their house of cards fall in on them but this might be the one thing which opens their eyes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
Hi everyone
Thanks for your experiences.
Ex phoned last night and like a fool I answered. Mostly I wanted to bring up his behaviour (asking for money) and tell him that was unacceptable. Somehow he brushed it off and told me that I am crazy. He says the weirdest things sometimes.
So I am gong to make another try at no contact. Trying to do some fun things this weekend, even though it's -28 degrees outside.
Spinner
Thanks for your experiences.
Ex phoned last night and like a fool I answered. Mostly I wanted to bring up his behaviour (asking for money) and tell him that was unacceptable. Somehow he brushed it off and told me that I am crazy. He says the weirdest things sometimes.
So I am gong to make another try at no contact. Trying to do some fun things this weekend, even though it's -28 degrees outside.
Spinner
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
yes, they tend to minimize.
so you're crazy to stop lending him money after he hasn't repaid $17K?
that's a good one!
enjoy your weekend, spinner and if you feel like speaking to him again, you can also write to us instead. it really helps get it out of the system to "reality check".
naive
so you're crazy to stop lending him money after he hasn't repaid $17K?
that's a good one!
enjoy your weekend, spinner and if you feel like speaking to him again, you can also write to us instead. it really helps get it out of the system to "reality check".
naive
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Ex phoned last night and like a fool I answered.
If you knew it was him calling, then yes you were foolish and you will learn in time to take better care of yourself and love yourself enough to not answer.
If you had to answer to find out it was him, then cut yourself a little slack. It takes that much extra effort to shut the call down after you pick up the phone. You'll get there.
Glad you are doing some fun things for yourself despite the cold.
Alice
If you knew it was him calling, then yes you were foolish and you will learn in time to take better care of yourself and love yourself enough to not answer.
If you had to answer to find out it was him, then cut yourself a little slack. It takes that much extra effort to shut the call down after you pick up the phone. You'll get there.
Glad you are doing some fun things for yourself despite the cold.
Alice
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
No contact sounds like a most stress free way to go way to go. Just drying out does not necessarily change a person into something better; it simply
eliminates another excuse for bad/irresponsible behavior IMHO. If you want to continue contact; offer to help him with advice only, referring him to a food bank sounds like a great approach (as you're doing) Review what your boundaries are and specific goals for him are. Explain why the way he is interacting with you is wrong and call him on it consistantly. Don't let him affect you with the bs pity party. Ask him what his plan is, have him commit to it and review how he is doing on it. He'll probably go on to other enablers, but maybe not. It's a cliche, but people only really change when they want; how we interact with them can have a positive impact though. Denial is real, and feeding the addictive beast behavior continues for a lot of dry people. I come to think of this as a sort of addiction substitution. Is he getting any type of outside help? Best of luck. You can make it work in a way that you feel good about your decisions regardless of how you approach having continued contact with him. People that love me took a similiar approach with me 6 months ago and I am in a much better place where I can discern who I respect, who I don't, and what my plan actually is.
eliminates another excuse for bad/irresponsible behavior IMHO. If you want to continue contact; offer to help him with advice only, referring him to a food bank sounds like a great approach (as you're doing) Review what your boundaries are and specific goals for him are. Explain why the way he is interacting with you is wrong and call him on it consistantly. Don't let him affect you with the bs pity party. Ask him what his plan is, have him commit to it and review how he is doing on it. He'll probably go on to other enablers, but maybe not. It's a cliche, but people only really change when they want; how we interact with them can have a positive impact though. Denial is real, and feeding the addictive beast behavior continues for a lot of dry people. I come to think of this as a sort of addiction substitution. Is he getting any type of outside help? Best of luck. You can make it work in a way that you feel good about your decisions regardless of how you approach having continued contact with him. People that love me took a similiar approach with me 6 months ago and I am in a much better place where I can discern who I respect, who I don't, and what my plan actually is.
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