I'm tired

My AD was tossed from outpatient rehab today due to a poitive drug test-which wasn't her first I gather.She has done detox 3 times since July-2 stints at inpatient & has been in outpatient daily since October. She also seems to hook up with a new guy each time she's in this place. From speaking to her therapist today I was told that is frowned upon immensly. I can see why.

So...here we go down the road again. Maybe not as I feel we've never gotten off of the road. I am yet again in the position of resetting boundries. I am livid at again being conned by the lies. I wonder am I conned because I have hope-or should I say had hope. My ability to support lovingly is fading fast. I've been angry & shown it..to no avail. I've been calm..to no avail. Indifferent is next. I do know if she is not in a program she will be in violation of her & will go to jail which may be the blessing in this mess.

It is beyond me how an intelligent girl that had it all is now on probation for theft ..is at risk of losing her drivers license..lost her job..now thrown out of rehab & yet still DOESN'T GET IT!!! I'm ashamed to say she is my daughter.

outtolunch

Hey, you are wearing the shoes I wore in 2007/8 ! I wondered what became of them, once I threw them out.

Sounds like you are getting closer to your own bottom in terms of letting go and letting the chips fall where they will.

Now what's with all this " we" stuff? Are you addicted to a substance? Were you recently tossed out of a program for substance abuse? Did you lose your job? Did you steal? Is your license at risk? Are you on probabtion? Might you be facing some jail time? I think not.

I know you did not raise her to make the choices she has been making. It's not your fault. She has a mind of her own and as hard as it is to accept, we moms do not control our adult children.

My own bottom came when I was humbled by the realization that not only was I not able to fix my daughter, I had absolutely no influence over her and her choices. She was going to do what she was going to do. And I could either accept that or lose my mind.

Your daughter is an adult and her choices have consequences. Can you find the strength within yourself to back off, way off and give her the gift of realizing those consequences, cause until then, it's all make believe.

BTW, today my daughter is clean, employed and and all things considered, reasonably clear, in terms of her thinking. Tomorrow will take care of itself. What happens next is entirely up to her.

And oh yeah, I do get that not in a million years did you ever think any of this was going to happen. Just remember you did not cause this. You do not control this and you cannot cure this. What happens next is entirely up to her.

Carol Star

Jail has meetings! Love the addict hate the disease. I would work on some boundaries and let the consequences fall where they may. Let go and let God and go to Alanon. Let her walk.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome Mom- been there done that with my AS
so I understand your sorrow, frustration and disappointment.

The 3rd and last rehab my son went to I told him it was my last offer to help him and if her refused my offer or failed at inpatient he was on his own...and I meant it.
He went and has stayed sober. However, he was on his own for a few yrs and had get to a very low bottom before he was willing to change.

He's been sober for almost two yrs. But he still struggles with trying to live normally.

I truly have turned it all over to him. A few nights ago He went to jail for a night (unrelated to drugs and alcohol) for failing to meet a deadline to pay a fee. When he told me I didn't react at all...which is testimony to my recovery.

I've actively participated in a parent's al-anon group for yrs. It clearly helps me focus on myself and no one else.
My husband is quite happy that I have learned to let go and don't try to control the universe any more.
Learning to find serenity no matter what our AS/ADs are doing is our task.

Best wishes as you leave the solution to your daughter's problem to her.
She will need to feel some more consequences before she wants to change.
A nudge from the judge may get her attention.
It sounds like you know that we ought not do for them what they can do for themselves.

Keep sharing the support here from the parents as well as others is helpful.

tjp613

IT - I'm very sorry this is happening, but none of it is your fault OR your responsibility. Maybe it's just time to let go and live your own life for awhile. Think you can go no contact?

greeteachday

One of the lessons I had to learn about this disease is that my daughter wasn't doing it "to me"...it wasn't personal at all. The other lesson I had to learn, which was even harder, was that boundaries and how I acted and reacted were about me, not her. My emotions and reactions affected me...they made me nuts. Changing my reactions wasn't going to stop her use or control her actions, but it sure was going to help me live more sanely. When I was calm, it didn't control whether she used or not, but it did make me feel better and I didn't have to feel shame for my behavior.

It also helped me to think about how I have felt when in situations where someone ridiculed me or my choices and tried to tell me what to do. I hated it...I certainly was not going to change based on that...chances are I did just the opposite. I realized my daughter was probably no different and that helped me to stop trying to control her by how I acted.

Impurrfect

((IT)) - I'm an RA and it's only when I had to face the consequences of my using (which DID include jail) and my family loved me enough to say "we love you, but you need to get your act together before you come back around us" that I even considered recovery.

We A's are remarkably resilient and though we do things that make most families cringe, we CAN find our way to recovery, but we most often do it when we are left to our own devices.

I know it's hard...I'm also a codie who has a few A's I love. Even when I KNOW it's the right thing, I struggle with not wanting to jump in and take over.

I am also very grateful that my family went on with their lives...they didn't sit around and constantly worry about me, (though they did worry). When I got into recovery, it made me want to be a part of the family even more...to catch up on what I had missed.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I hope you find the strength to let her follow her path while you focus on you, because she is certainly only focusing on her.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Impurrfect

((Greet)) was posting at the same time I was, but I wanted to second what she said...we DON'T use to do it TO you...it's just what we do...I used because the sun was shining, or it was raining, or it was a day that ended in y...I always had a reason. The few times I came down enough to realize how much I was hurting my family, I instantly went and used again, to avoid dealing with those feelings. Our using has absolutely NOTHING to do with you...nothing. It's just something that gets hold of us, and takes over our every thought.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I'm tired

I am grateful to all that have answered me . I am attempting to detatch the best I can as my AD lives in my home. Due to no insc. on her part she is under the county funding for rehab. In speaking to her therapist Thursday I was informed she was eligible for more aid yet when she went to the assistance office she was told no-she is not-- so there is a mix up somewhere . She plans on speaking to whomever at the rehab center is in charge of this & passed the info onto her therapist. I do believe her in that if she had full medical she'd of chosen her plan of choice as she is in need of dental work & full medical would cover that.

I did take her unemp. debit card as I am owed a fortune & I have no guilt for doing so. I will get my money one way or the other. This was a 2 fold reason--to get what is owed me & it also blocks her access to her money. I realize I cannot stop anything but I can make it a bit more difficult to obtain.

I am at odds as to how to enforce my boundry of in a full time rehab then a 1/2 way house for minimum of 2 months or OUT. I wonder is she using...is she only using her depression/anxiety meds? She has not left the house in 2 days (since the call I recieved) I do know she tested positive for Suboxone -I was told this by her therapist--but not told what else it showed.

My detachment is hard as her dad has fully detatched from her ( we're separated) & I do know that a support system is important. He has basically written her off. He asks why I am still standing..how do you explain being a Mother? You don't. I also feel by him not being in the home it's easier for him to detatch--he is out of the day to day life here. I am dealing with anger by his actions as well. His indifference comes as he has reconnected with a woman he has been involved with on & off for the last 4 years. He is of the mind set "Just stop" & does not in any way shape or form care to see the 'dark hole' she is trying to fill but sees it as an escape--time to buck up he feels. As he cruises the River of Denial.

Kinda feel like the poster family for what dysfunctional is !!

teke

hi, just want to say that because my family wrote me off, i hit my bottom,suffered the consequences of my own actions, then and only then did i become desperate to get serious about my recovery and for me, that meant, i was willing to do whatever it took to get better.

i agree with you, it maybe a lot easier for your husband to detach because he's out the home. it is so hard to detach while taking a front row seat to addiction. maybe it would help you and her if somehow you could find the strength to enforce your boundaries or set boundaries you can enforce. i do have kids so i do understand your concerns but imo, as long as an addict have their basic needs met by someone else, all they have to be concerned with is how to get their drugs.

if my family had provided for me, i think i'd probably still be out using, in jail or dead. i'm so grateful today, now that i'm a few yrs clean, that they did write me off, it was just what i needed for me to see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become. i think they supported me by loving ne while allowing me to fall/find my own way and moving on with their daily lives. i know it haed but it still may be the most loving thing to do.

you and your family are in my prayers.

Impurrfect

((I'm tired)) - I have to agree with ((Teke)) on this. You say your daughter would have chosen her rehab of choice because of the dental work...my teeth are in HORRIBLE shape because of my using, but I don't have the luxury of a good dental plan at work, and it certainly hasn't caused me to do anything to jeopardize my recovery.

She got kicked out of a rehab for using....after numerous attempts at detox and rehabs. I'm sorry, but it sounds like she's using the "I want my rehab of choice" as an excuse to keep doing things her way, and her way does not include recovery, at this point.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you DO have choices. Yes, it is probably the hardest thing a mother ever has to do, do tell your child "you need to leave...deal with your consequences" and you may not be at that point, yet. A lot of mom's here have been down that road, many, many times.

One other hard truth...we female addicts don't always need money to get drugs. We have other ways to get them. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's a hard fact that is a possibility with addiction. I'm a recovering addict, and I'm telling you...if she wants to use, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do to stop her.

The best thing you can do is set boundaries and focus on you. If you do this, she will most likely get angry, tell you she has nowhere to go, and maybe even say she hates you (most of us A's did the same). Then, when we hit bottom and found recovery, we told those same people how grateful we were for what they did...and that if they hadn't we'd probably still be using.

I know you can only do what you can do, in your own time. I'm just giving you some things to think about, okay? I've been on both sides of the addiction fence, as ((Teke)) and others have..the addict and the loved one. I truly believe being the loved one is much harder, and thank God for all the people here who "get" how hard it is and were there to walk with me as I struggled.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

teke

AND i have to agree with everything impurrfect has to say, even about the teeth problem which is common for a lot of drug users.

I'm tired

I may of confused some in my previous post. My daughter is supposedly eligble for total medical through the state. The confusion is she was never told this only that she was covered for 'Womens health'-not full medical. It's as if the rehab place has more info than she does--when she calls her assistance caseworker she was told no-she is not eligble yet the rehab facility insists she is & with that coverage she will be able to do full inpatient as well as a half way house coverage. The state assistance office said she makes too much on unemp comp & the rehab center told me the Psychatrist filled forms out to help her get the coverage.

I do know through her admittance she has taken Suboxone last week as well as today ( a 1/4 piece) as she told me in detox they gave her far more than she needed. At this point if taking Suboxone stops Heroin until the insc. issue is resolved I'll take it. Of course my preference is nothing but it is the lesser of the 2 evils for now. Due to legal reasons she HAS to be in some sort of drug program-it is not an option to not be.

So far she is ok with my having her unemp card & all access to her money. She admits she has obligations & needs structure taking care of all she owes.

I thank all with prior addictive experience for replying--it helps immensley to hear what someone that has been down this road has to offer with advice.. opinions.