For the ones dating after an A - boundaries RE alcohol?
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
For the ones dating after an A - boundaries RE alcohol?
For the ones who are no longer with an alcoholic and with a new partner --
What are the boundaries in regards to drinks? did you stop drinking altogether? do you expect the same from the partner?
I am a social drinker and I'm not sure why sometimes I get super angry and hurt when partner drinks, and why sometimes I don't care and even enjoy sharing a beer with him. Not that either of us drink often in fact months pass without even a thought of it...
Your insight is welcome!
What are the boundaries in regards to drinks? did you stop drinking altogether? do you expect the same from the partner?
I am a social drinker and I'm not sure why sometimes I get super angry and hurt when partner drinks, and why sometimes I don't care and even enjoy sharing a beer with him. Not that either of us drink often in fact months pass without even a thought of it...
Your insight is welcome!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I didn't drink while I was physically with my xabf. When dated for 6 months and I think I had 3 or 4 drinks in all that time (while out with friends). It didn't bother me to not drink for him. It just seemed to be the most supportive thing to do, so no biggie.
I don't think it would bother me if a date had a drink or two, if that date wasn't an alcoholic.
I'm guessing you get angry because it brings up all those old hurtful feelings?
I don't think it would bother me if a date had a drink or two, if that date wasn't an alcoholic.
I'm guessing you get angry because it brings up all those old hurtful feelings?
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
boundaries are about what you are comfortable with, not what I or this board or anyone else thinks is reasonable.
If you are uncomfortable being in an intimate relationship with someone who drinks then it is fine to have a boundary that is "I wont date a drinker", there is a difference between this and expecting a partner to become a non-drinker because of your boundary. It's fine for your boundaries to change and develop as you change and develop.
TC: I'm a mess at the moment and much of that is to do with the relationship I am trying to heal from, but there are issues that got me into that relationship, one's from a previous partnership, and ones from before that. I need time and space to sort through all of that.
I went from a very bad relationship with a guy who exhibited one set of problems to a horrible relationship with a guy who was not like the last one, but had his own set that gelled with mine into a nightmare. And he seemed lovely to begin with, although I wasn't hugely into him and I sort of fell into living with him quickly because of an outside circumstance, and before I knew where I was I was bonded to him emotionally, I gave all my power away, I believed I was trapped: a decade and 2 children later, after I had given over many of my core beliefs and twisted myself round to make a relationship that did not fulfil me work, because he was a nice guy and I owed him something, here I am pulling myself out of a pit trying to fathom why I accepted (for example) sexual pressure that changed into something worse.
I am fully aware that this is not what you asked about, and I am no expert on relationships (except as a poster-girl for what NOT to do) and everyone has to tread their own path, and learn along the way, and thjis is none of my business and I'm a codie so I'm going to poke my nose in anyway.. I say this with love and in the full knowledge that this is your life, not mine:
are you really sure about this current relationship? Your posts indicate that you have much healing to do from the last one, which is valid and understandable, but also your posts are filled with questions and flags about your current relationship.
I'm not after an answer: it's none of my business, and I won't say anything about it again.
Slowing down at any point is an ok thing to do, changing your mind at any point is an ok thing to do, relationships do not have to follow a formulaic progress to be worthwhile or working.
much love (((TC))
If you are uncomfortable being in an intimate relationship with someone who drinks then it is fine to have a boundary that is "I wont date a drinker", there is a difference between this and expecting a partner to become a non-drinker because of your boundary. It's fine for your boundaries to change and develop as you change and develop.
TC: I'm a mess at the moment and much of that is to do with the relationship I am trying to heal from, but there are issues that got me into that relationship, one's from a previous partnership, and ones from before that. I need time and space to sort through all of that.
I went from a very bad relationship with a guy who exhibited one set of problems to a horrible relationship with a guy who was not like the last one, but had his own set that gelled with mine into a nightmare. And he seemed lovely to begin with, although I wasn't hugely into him and I sort of fell into living with him quickly because of an outside circumstance, and before I knew where I was I was bonded to him emotionally, I gave all my power away, I believed I was trapped: a decade and 2 children later, after I had given over many of my core beliefs and twisted myself round to make a relationship that did not fulfil me work, because he was a nice guy and I owed him something, here I am pulling myself out of a pit trying to fathom why I accepted (for example) sexual pressure that changed into something worse.
I am fully aware that this is not what you asked about, and I am no expert on relationships (except as a poster-girl for what NOT to do) and everyone has to tread their own path, and learn along the way, and thjis is none of my business and I'm a codie so I'm going to poke my nose in anyway.. I say this with love and in the full knowledge that this is your life, not mine:
are you really sure about this current relationship? Your posts indicate that you have much healing to do from the last one, which is valid and understandable, but also your posts are filled with questions and flags about your current relationship.
I'm not after an answer: it's none of my business, and I won't say anything about it again.
Slowing down at any point is an ok thing to do, changing your mind at any point is an ok thing to do, relationships do not have to follow a formulaic progress to be worthwhile or working.
much love (((TC))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I don't have any boundaries with the new guy regarding his drinking. I don't drink that much. If I become uncomfortable with how much he is drinking, that is really my problem. I have decided if that happens, I will walk and not look back. I never want to try to control someone else's drinking again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick 
I don't have any boundaries with the new guy regarding his drinking. I don't drink that much. If I become uncomfortable with how much he is drinking, that is really my problem. I have decided if that happens, I will walk and not look back. I never want to try to control someone else's drinking again!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Ives: I see your point; however, I grew up in an alcoholic home and was with my xabf for 4 years. I have learned that I am not a good babysitter and I don't want to be one again. While it may be ok for some to do what your friend did, I will not put myself in the position of monitoring anyone else's habits again because it is not healthy for me. The relationship I have with myself is most important to me, so that's my choice. Also, I don't believe people even without a drinking problem would always appreciate my opinion of their drinking. I know for my life, if I want someone's opinion about my behaviors, I'll ask for it.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
Ives: I see your point; however, I grew up in an alcoholic home and was with my xabf for 4 years. I have learned that I am not a good babysitter and I don't want to be one again. While it may be ok for some to do what your friend did, I will not put myself in the position of monitoring anyone else's habits again because it is not healthy for me. The relationship I have with myself is most important to me, so that's my choice. Also, I don't believe people even without a drinking problem would always appreciate my opinion of their drinking. I know for my life, if I want someone's opinion about my behaviors, I'll ask for it.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
TakingCarge, it has been quite a few years now and I still have an uneasiness with this......I am overly wary when I see a date drink. My fiancee has an occasional beer, I did finally say that it is a problem for me to see beer in the frig, well, it is not a big deal to him, so now he stops occasionally at the store and buys one beer. I can deal with that.
I have to find what I am comfortable with and doesn't scare me.
I have to find what I am comfortable with and doesn't scare me.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
As I've said elsewhere whenever this issue comes up, I personally would be very, very uncomfortable with a partner expecting me to or insisting that I totally give-up any activity or behavior that I can engage in safely and healthily just because she/he is unable to do the same. And it seems to me to be even more of a stretch to consider allowing someone to exercise this level of control over me just because she/he has been involved with someone else in the past who was unable to engage in that activity or behavior safely and healthily.
I guess, for me, if a particular behavior or activity is triggering to someone, that very clearly is that person's issue not mine....and trying to prohibit me, or anyone else, from engaging in that activity or behavior, just is not, in my mind, a good (or indeed, any kind of) solution to that problem.
That being said, depending on the "severity" of someone's trauma or wounding related to the potentially triggering behavior/activity, if I care about that person, then, obviously, I am going to be open to negotiating mutually respectful boundaries/limitations around when and how I engage in that activity or behavior. I guess, ultimately, any kind of situation like this is a good opportunity to evaluate the communication and the ability to come up with solutions that work for and are respectful of both partners, and really, those are the most important things in any relationship.
freya
I guess, for me, if a particular behavior or activity is triggering to someone, that very clearly is that person's issue not mine....and trying to prohibit me, or anyone else, from engaging in that activity or behavior, just is not, in my mind, a good (or indeed, any kind of) solution to that problem.
That being said, depending on the "severity" of someone's trauma or wounding related to the potentially triggering behavior/activity, if I care about that person, then, obviously, I am going to be open to negotiating mutually respectful boundaries/limitations around when and how I engage in that activity or behavior. I guess, ultimately, any kind of situation like this is a good opportunity to evaluate the communication and the ability to come up with solutions that work for and are respectful of both partners, and really, those are the most important things in any relationship.
freya
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I haven't stopped drinking... but I drink a lot less since my former husband and his supply are gone. I like wine and I'll have a glass with dinner as long as it's around the house, but I don't go out of my way to buy it that often unless I'm cooking something that has wine in it.
My last boyfriend was charmingly paranoid about alcohol. He had a bad experience as a teenager with alcohol poisoning, and at age 50, hasn't gotten over it. In two years I saw him have more than one drink, a single time.
I don't know about y'all, but thanks to the education that was my marriage I can now spot an alcohol problem from a mile away, often without ever seeing the person drink. I haven't established any boundaries with people I've dated about drinking because I haven't dated any alcoholics since (and to me, it's black and white: someone either has a problem or they don't. No in betweens). I have valued friends who are alcoholics, but I don't monitor them. For the immediate future, I have no intention of putting myself in any situation where I may end up keeping an eye on someone's drinking (or after-hours computer use or parenting skills or personal spending or bill paying or hygiene or... etc.) I'm too tired.
My last boyfriend was charmingly paranoid about alcohol. He had a bad experience as a teenager with alcohol poisoning, and at age 50, hasn't gotten over it. In two years I saw him have more than one drink, a single time.
I don't know about y'all, but thanks to the education that was my marriage I can now spot an alcohol problem from a mile away, often without ever seeing the person drink. I haven't established any boundaries with people I've dated about drinking because I haven't dated any alcoholics since (and to me, it's black and white: someone either has a problem or they don't. No in betweens). I have valued friends who are alcoholics, but I don't monitor them. For the immediate future, I have no intention of putting myself in any situation where I may end up keeping an eye on someone's drinking (or after-hours computer use or parenting skills or personal spending or bill paying or hygiene or... etc.) I'm too tired.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
This is something I've dealt with as well. My boyfriend enjoys alcohol, but not in the same urgent way my x did. It sometimes triggered me in the beginning, as in I'd get nervous and concerned that he would do things my x used to do, but he's demonstrated that he doesn't do those things. It helps to stay calm and simply observe the situation for what it is, letting your instincts guide you. If it's clear this person drinks in a way that doesn't work for you, it's time to move on.
As for my own relationship with alcohol, it's never been a priority. I went through a period in my marriage where I was mad at it and abstained, but I now drink socially.
As for my own relationship with alcohol, it's never been a priority. I went through a period in my marriage where I was mad at it and abstained, but I now drink socially.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all for your comments around this...
Gladly it became a non-issue, both have been working extra-hard, he wakes up very early in the morning and we are trying to save $ .... once he went out with his friends and I got nervous but he came back and have had one beer and it was nothing out of this world....
It is great to separate the alcohol from the person... now that I think it was the xabf... the person, who said/did harmful stuff, not Jack Daniels, I feel better. Now that it really sank that HE did it and made all the decisions drunk or not... I am "reconciling" with alcohol itself... the bottle did nothing, it was the human drinking it...
With bf we don't even "talk" about drinks or anything... hopefully we will drink socially again... and that's all. And I am glad I know how to recognize the signs now.. if he ever turns to drink or whatever, I will flee... but TODAY... the Jack daniels and our wine bottles are untouched....
Gladly it became a non-issue, both have been working extra-hard, he wakes up very early in the morning and we are trying to save $ .... once he went out with his friends and I got nervous but he came back and have had one beer and it was nothing out of this world....
It is great to separate the alcohol from the person... now that I think it was the xabf... the person, who said/did harmful stuff, not Jack Daniels, I feel better. Now that it really sank that HE did it and made all the decisions drunk or not... I am "reconciling" with alcohol itself... the bottle did nothing, it was the human drinking it...
With bf we don't even "talk" about drinks or anything... hopefully we will drink socially again... and that's all. And I am glad I know how to recognize the signs now.. if he ever turns to drink or whatever, I will flee... but TODAY... the Jack daniels and our wine bottles are untouched....
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