Can a recovering alcoholic please explain
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
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Can a recovering alcoholic please explain
what is the purpose of an active alcoholic telling a half truth when the whole truth is completely obvious, and not even particularly bad?
Related story: my former husband just sent me an email stating that "he" would be out of town and "he" would be back on such and so day of next week. Of course he's not going alone: his girlfriend of 3 years, in whose house he lives, and who considers herself to be practically his wife, is going with him. I knew that. Why not just say, "We're leaving on Wednesday and we'll be back on Saturday"? I've had a long time to get used to their domestic arrangements. They aren't exactly a secret.
In the decade I've known him, he's chronically fudged his way around anything that might hurt anyone's feelings or cause a confrontation, no matter how little the initial problem is or how much it gets escalated by the time it inevitably becomes public knowledge. How does that quote go, alcoholism is a disease of failure to learn from experience? During our divorce their little vacation would have hurt me, but time passes on, and I'm all right. Equally, after all this time, he avoids discussing, meeting, or acknowledging my partner like the plague. Does this treatment create a separate fictional zone where neither of us has a significant other or something? What good does that do?
Related story: my former husband just sent me an email stating that "he" would be out of town and "he" would be back on such and so day of next week. Of course he's not going alone: his girlfriend of 3 years, in whose house he lives, and who considers herself to be practically his wife, is going with him. I knew that. Why not just say, "We're leaving on Wednesday and we'll be back on Saturday"? I've had a long time to get used to their domestic arrangements. They aren't exactly a secret.
In the decade I've known him, he's chronically fudged his way around anything that might hurt anyone's feelings or cause a confrontation, no matter how little the initial problem is or how much it gets escalated by the time it inevitably becomes public knowledge. How does that quote go, alcoholism is a disease of failure to learn from experience? During our divorce their little vacation would have hurt me, but time passes on, and I'm all right. Equally, after all this time, he avoids discussing, meeting, or acknowledging my partner like the plague. Does this treatment create a separate fictional zone where neither of us has a significant other or something? What good does that do?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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All recovering alcoholics are not exactly alike. I can't say why your ex didn't mention that his girlfriend was accompanying him on his trip. Maybe he doesn't want to make waves, or maybe figures it's not something you need to know.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Maybe he was drunk when he wrote it? and if he had planned on carrying a six pack he would have wrote "we".
Sorry... some of my anger speaking...
No one knows his motives or if there are any motives. You can go mad thinking about the why's. If you need to agreed on schedules then focus on the schedules and let it go... your romantic life is none of his business...
When I wanted to "win" or "understand" I always got frustrated.. if you meet a bad person and on top of that addict... RUN.. and regard them as madmen, nothing makes sense, nothing is human, natural, or loving there..... wondering is a ticket to the psycho ward.
What a madman thinks, writes, says does not matter AT ALL
what a relief, now we can go ahead building a good life for ourselves.. what will YOUR WEEKEND will be like?? now that is more interesting !!
Sorry... some of my anger speaking...
No one knows his motives or if there are any motives. You can go mad thinking about the why's. If you need to agreed on schedules then focus on the schedules and let it go... your romantic life is none of his business...
When I wanted to "win" or "understand" I always got frustrated.. if you meet a bad person and on top of that addict... RUN.. and regard them as madmen, nothing makes sense, nothing is human, natural, or loving there..... wondering is a ticket to the psycho ward.
What a madman thinks, writes, says does not matter AT ALL
what a relief, now we can go ahead building a good life for ourselves.. what will YOUR WEEKEND will be like?? now that is more interesting !!
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Ugh, it was his work e-mail, or I would have assumed he was drunk. He's gotten busted for coming in hung over, but not actively intoxicated... yet.
I don't shove my love life (or any other part of my life) in his face, but neither do I hide what I'm doing. He didn't tell me when he had a new job in a new location, either-- although it seems perfectly obvious to me that I might need to reach him in an emergency regarding our child, and his cell phone plan has limited minutes and is sometimes disconnected.
I did email him back briefly and calmly and say that he didn't need to hide anything, I was ok with it. It's hard to enforce boundaries regarding lying-- what do you do? I'm not the honesty police, but just saying nothing while I'm being fed BS doesn't feel right to me either.
At least I don't have to filter through his un-communication regularly anymore! Thank GOD!
I don't shove my love life (or any other part of my life) in his face, but neither do I hide what I'm doing. He didn't tell me when he had a new job in a new location, either-- although it seems perfectly obvious to me that I might need to reach him in an emergency regarding our child, and his cell phone plan has limited minutes and is sometimes disconnected.
I did email him back briefly and calmly and say that he didn't need to hide anything, I was ok with it. It's hard to enforce boundaries regarding lying-- what do you do? I'm not the honesty police, but just saying nothing while I'm being fed BS doesn't feel right to me either.
At least I don't have to filter through his un-communication regularly anymore! Thank GOD!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
((BG))
XABF has arrived drunk to work, perhaps your ex was indeed drunk and the bosses have not found out yet. I like to think they are drunk not as an excuse but as a way to be able to let go.
Certainly muddy waters........ I'm glad he is not your problem anymore.
XABF has arrived drunk to work, perhaps your ex was indeed drunk and the bosses have not found out yet. I like to think they are drunk not as an excuse but as a way to be able to let go.
Certainly muddy waters........ I'm glad he is not your problem anymore.
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Hazarding a guess, I'd say he has not accepted he lost his marriage to his addictions (as you indicated in an earlier post). Acknowledging he has a girlfriend (even of 3 yrs) is acknowledging that he destroyed his marriage. Which means he has a problem. Which means he shouldn't drink. Don't want to have to deal with that.
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^ or not: it's not a lie, it's not a half truth. I might say the same thing with no underhand intentions at all, after all it is the truth.
I think a more interesting question would be "does it matter?" and then "why is this bothering me?"
I think a more interesting question would be "does it matter?" and then "why is this bothering me?"
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
I guess I just don't understand what the big deal is. You are divorced and have both moved on with your lives. Why does it matter whether or not he lets you know when his girlfriend goes on a trip with him? I would go so far as to ask, why is it important whether or not he lets you know he's even going away for a few days?
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Hi..
I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am not sure his statement really has to do with his alcoholism, recovery, or lack thereof.
Please accept this in the spirit it is written, but, he told you what he was doing., which, was the truth. He didn't lie and say he was going alone, or that he wasn't going anywhere. It was a statement about "him" and his actions. He probably didn't feel the need to say we, nor, why he should, as you are divorced. He also may not have wanted to mention a "we" as he thought it might be the wrong thing to say.
Sadly, sometimes, we look at people and actions, and tie everything back to addictions and recovery. Sometimes it is just the person and has nothing to do with either.
Peace
I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am not sure his statement really has to do with his alcoholism, recovery, or lack thereof.
Please accept this in the spirit it is written, but, he told you what he was doing., which, was the truth. He didn't lie and say he was going alone, or that he wasn't going anywhere. It was a statement about "him" and his actions. He probably didn't feel the need to say we, nor, why he should, as you are divorced. He also may not have wanted to mention a "we" as he thought it might be the wrong thing to say.
Sadly, sometimes, we look at people and actions, and tie everything back to addictions and recovery. Sometimes it is just the person and has nothing to do with either.
Peace
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