Relationship question.
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Relationship question.
Thinking about wishes for the New Year and romance came to mind.
At this point, I think I would freak out if I suspected someone I was interested in was an addict.
I wonder if the opposite should be true?
Is it possible for two codependents to survive in a relationship??
My mother and I are both codependent and we love each other's company but can't survive long without making the other crazy!
I'm living in the fear that there is no one without either problem available out there.
What do you all think?
Alice
At this point, I think I would freak out if I suspected someone I was interested in was an addict.
I wonder if the opposite should be true?
Is it possible for two codependents to survive in a relationship??
My mother and I are both codependent and we love each other's company but can't survive long without making the other crazy!
I'm living in the fear that there is no one without either problem available out there.
What do you all think?
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I read somewhere, there's probably very few relationships that have no drama, no attention-getting games whatsoever, in them.
But there is a whole world of non alcoholic/codependents out there... if you didn't grow up with either, that particular dance is the exception, not the rule. I think. Having been married to an alcoholic now I recognize codependent-addict patterns when I see them, but to me they're still the minority.
There's degrees of this stuff: my former recent bf has no addictions, and only the mildest tendency towards codie-ness. He likes to date, and help out, intelligent, somewhat troubled women-- but he backs off sharply if their troubled-ness starts to interfere with his life. He never makes their problems his primary focus.
I hate to admit this... but I found him difficult to connect with, and part of it was his lack of needs. Helping and caring and saving and rescuing are certainly bonding experiences, even if the bonds established are ones we later regret.
But there is a whole world of non alcoholic/codependents out there... if you didn't grow up with either, that particular dance is the exception, not the rule. I think. Having been married to an alcoholic now I recognize codependent-addict patterns when I see them, but to me they're still the minority.
There's degrees of this stuff: my former recent bf has no addictions, and only the mildest tendency towards codie-ness. He likes to date, and help out, intelligent, somewhat troubled women-- but he backs off sharply if their troubled-ness starts to interfere with his life. He never makes their problems his primary focus.
I hate to admit this... but I found him difficult to connect with, and part of it was his lack of needs. Helping and caring and saving and rescuing are certainly bonding experiences, even if the bonds established are ones we later regret.
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I guess two codependents in a relationship are about as healthy or as unhealthy as two addicts in a relationship. They could be an understanding ally when it comes to staying on track in recovery or they could be a total trigger to each other.
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I think we each must choose the path that is most healing, and the path that gets us where we want to go in life.
For me, that meant spending as little "romantic" time as possible with codependents AND addicts. Neither of them were adding to my learning, and the "having an understanding sounding board" wasn't growing me as a person, I discovered.
I ended up marrying a man who is neither (and yes, there are plenty). He is understanding, but has little patience with my old routine of "I have a right to do XYZ (insert damaging behavior here) because I'm codependent."
It has forced me to get stronger, braver, and more......normal.......in a way that having a codependent soulmate never could have.
Just my experience though Alice, ymmv
For me, that meant spending as little "romantic" time as possible with codependents AND addicts. Neither of them were adding to my learning, and the "having an understanding sounding board" wasn't growing me as a person, I discovered.
I ended up marrying a man who is neither (and yes, there are plenty). He is understanding, but has little patience with my old routine of "I have a right to do XYZ (insert damaging behavior here) because I'm codependent."
It has forced me to get stronger, braver, and more......normal.......in a way that having a codependent soulmate never could have.
Just my experience though Alice, ymmv
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I think they exist, but I've also found that have picked alcoholics and codies not too far out of my relationship with xabf. The new guy does not seem to be either, but I still wait for the other shoe to drop even after almost 6 months.
As for my codie behaviors toward him, because I still have them, he does not allow me to behave like a co-dependent. I remember early on saying stuff like "If this or that doesn't work for you, we can change plans." He finally sat me down and said that if something didn't work for him, he would definitely tell me. I've learned to just take what he says at face value. It's hard though, still. I question a lot, but try to keep it to myself.
As for my codie behaviors toward him, because I still have them, he does not allow me to behave like a co-dependent. I remember early on saying stuff like "If this or that doesn't work for you, we can change plans." He finally sat me down and said that if something didn't work for him, he would definitely tell me. I've learned to just take what he says at face value. It's hard though, still. I question a lot, but try to keep it to myself.
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Just one more thing to point out - there is nothing wrong with being codependent! Relationships demand that of us - AA gave it a bad name when using it to describe our relationships to A's. But there is a difference between being codependent in a positive relationship and a negative one.
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I asked a friend about his take on healthy relationships. He said sometimes he or his SO will snap at the other or say something cranky. They either rephrase or apologize then or later. It is not regular and neither avoid taking responsibility. That was a revelation to me.
It's possible!
It's possible!
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Have you ever read Harville Hendricks' Getting the Love You Want and/or Keeping the Love You Find? Very interesting and enlightening and a really excellent take on why we're attracted to the people to whom we're attracted and how that can work to our advantage.
Also, a very interesting -- but somewhat more complicated and darker -- approach by Valerie Harms, entitled The Inner Lover. I guess I would paraphrase the message as being: if one's going to get crazily attracted to and act out with "the wrong sort of person," here's what one might be able to get from it. She's amazingly honest and open about her pretty messed-up affairs.
freya
...and, BTW, for me, healthy relationships seem to require interdependence....codependence is another matter entirely.
Also, a very interesting -- but somewhat more complicated and darker -- approach by Valerie Harms, entitled The Inner Lover. I guess I would paraphrase the message as being: if one's going to get crazily attracted to and act out with "the wrong sort of person," here's what one might be able to get from it. She's amazingly honest and open about her pretty messed-up affairs.
freya
...and, BTW, for me, healthy relationships seem to require interdependence....codependence is another matter entirely.
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Originally Posted by Kassie2 
Just one more thing to point out - there is nothing wrong with being codependent! Relationships demand that of us - AA gave it a bad name when using it to describe our relationships to A's. But there is a difference between being codependent in a positive relationship and a negative one.
Relationships work best when they are balanced, interdependent, as Freya said. When one or both is codependent, then the relationship will eventually suffer.
The very best relationship advice I have ever gotten came from this forum. Someone (I forget who now) said to make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner. Write it down. Once you have your list, make it your goal. That's right, become the person you want in a partner. This is a win-win situation because not only do you become the kind of person you want to spend time with, you will attract that kind of person, as well. I can tell you from experience--it works.
Yes, the healthier you become, the healthier the people who are attracted to you. Is that so surprising?
L
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