tigger11

Physical & Emotional Abuse Discussions at DailyStrength: EMOTIONAL ABUSERS

Thanks, Miyah! This made some things very clear about ALL the behaviors in my life that constituted emotional abuse from my STBXAH. Wow!

miyah

Hi Tigger ,
It was a wake up for me. Some things I recognized, some things slipped by me.
But my XABF was in nearly every paragraph.
How are you doing??
I have court later today- I am nervous, hope he don't show.

pray4joy

Thank you so much for posting this link. It underlines the crux of the problems with my relationship and has helped me to understand why I was behaving so TOXIC myself...why I walked around so incensed and feel so very damaged. My sense is this is probably the source of the alcoholism as well...his parents are verbally abusive and we avoid much contact with them for that reason.
One of the ladies here had sent me contact information because she mentioned it sounded like I was being abused...I hesitated to follow up on that at the time but now, reading this, I know in my heart this is truth. It still will not be easy to send him to the wolves but methinks having support from the agency may be just what the doctor ordered to get me over that hump. I am learning it is okay to get help and I don't have to do everything myself. Thanks again.

tigger11

This was VERY helpful to me, too. My STBXAH also is in every paragraph. I found myself reading it from both my perspective, and the AH's perspective. I can see how he would have disputed everything, and how he gets people to be on "his side". It's so long. I wonder if it couldn't be shortened so that my lawyer could get a glimpse of what I've been dealing with.

Miyah - PRAYERS, crossed fingers and good thoughts in your direction today! Please let me know what happens.

One of the (many) things that keeps bothering me is my desire to talk to him, reason with him (HA), get him to see my perspective (HAHA). Thank goodness we have legal no-contact! Talking to him wouldn't do a dam thing except hurt me more. OHHHH it's so frustrating to have fallen in love with a sick, angry, illogical, unreasonable, hurting, self-hating, self-righteous, justifying, etc man who looked so good on the surface.

I wish two things right now. That the divorce gets done soon and fairly. And that I can move out of this stupid condo that I own that's apartment living that I hate. Unless God intervenes, neither of those things will happen any time soon, so I might as well stop wishing. Sigh.

(((Hugs to all SR Family!)))
-Tigg

Ives

I am simply staggered at how they are so adept at abusing us, but at the same time making us feel like it is we who are the abusers. That's why realising that everything they say is nonsense designed to do this, and not reacting is so paramount. The minute you react, you are toast.

Ives

Oh how I can relate to this paragraph. Except mine is a woman, and you can tack on spoiled, lazy, selfish entitlement princess to that list of adjectives.

Live

Someone here posted lately 8 tactics of emotional abuse...sorry I can't remember who. But they are brief enough to print out.

Elsie

WOW!!!! I'm not even done reading it yet and already I'm astounded by what I'm reading.
I can't thank you (and Miyah) enough for posting this!

I wish I had known about this site and all the things I've been reading, months ago.
Better yet, I know about it now, and I'm reading these things now, during a time when I'm seeing everything coming together and I'm in a place (geographically, mentally, emotionally) to be able to DO something about it!

He thought I was a strong woman before - he's not going to know what hit him now!

harleyd101

Since you guys are so experienced, I would like to ask a question....I've often wondered if this is a form of emotional abuse, so maybe you guys could tell me. My ABF will get dry for a couple of weeks of months, see me every day, have a pretty normal life, then bhammmm-he picks up, won't answer the phone, and disappears, either for a day, couple of days or weeks. I don't hear anything, then one day he reappears, asking for my codie help to detox. This feels like emotional abuse, cause things go along pretty well when he stops drinking (now I'm comparing it to when he's drunk!) and then he's just gone! He goes through this cycle, and it's like I get abandoned everytime he does this (at least that's what it feels like). I hear nothing, then when he comes back around, I'm emotionally torn up and sad (the anger has passed at that point) and I'm extremely vulnerable. That's when he gets back in usually. Does what I'm describing sound like emotional abuse? He says he stays aways because he doesn't want to jeapordize my recovery and he knows I can't stand him when he's drunk. I find it hard to believe it has anything to do with me, I think he's just off doing what he wants and I'm not even a thought in his head.

FindingPeace1

Ask yourself if it is okay with you to have a partner that
* drinks
* binges
* disappears
* returns and plays nice?

I'm not saying it is or isn't okay, but what is okay or not okay with you?

If you were to let go and not enable, eg. help him detox, what would happen?

Have you read Codependent No More?
When I feel vulnerable with my AH, I observe I am deriving my self-esteem/emotional well-being from him, rather than myself. When I catch that, I can pull it back and take care of myself, while allowing him to do whatever he is going to do.

tigger11

Hey Harleyd - I think alcohol abuse and emotional abuse go hand in hand, especially after spending a few months on this forum. As someone said to me the first week or so I was on here, it's as though our alcoholics read from the same script. It's almost word for word, action for action they all do the same things. As though they have a constant phone bridge going where they get on and say; "okay, I made her/him believe it was her/his fault, now what?".

Here's a good one for ya. I have legal visitations on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings of the labrador/poodle that we got about a year ago. He beat her several times, with witnesses (other than me) once. My condo assn wouldn't allow me to have her. So she's with him until I can find another place for her. So tonight, I'm going to visit her. Guess where 2nd STBXAH is going while I'm there? Around the corner to 1st AH for dinner. PISSMEOFF!?!?! Youbetcha. Nothing I can do about it. ARGH! Somebody very creative on the Alcoholics Bridge Line thought this one up.