My cell phone is evil
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Location: Quebec
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My cell phone is evil
I have to admit, I activated this cell phone initially when my separation from XAH was "going well", so I could keep in touch with my stepson. It also made it a bit easier to communicate with XAH, since texts are so impersonal compared to real live phone conversations.
Since my stepson dropped his phone in the washing machine (and since XAH forbade me to speak to his son), the phone's been rather useless. I've used it twice for emergency calls to my daughter's daycare or to find my dad in a crowded post-Boxing Day shopping mall. Aside from that, I don't look at it.
Since my "fight" with XAH Sunday night, I hadn't turned it on. In fact, it was out of power and I only charged it at work Monday afternoon and forgot about it. This morning I see that it's got 4 unread messages on it. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach lurched.
It's got to be XAH. Maybe it's about our argument. Or rather his accusatory argument with me. Maybe he's going to pick DD up from daycare. Maybe it's nothing. I have to read the messages but I don't want to!
I honestly HATE having a cell phone. Whenever it chimes, I get stressed. My father never calls it since I'm always either at work or at home, within reach of a landline. I'm now "allowed" to talk to my stepson again but he's got a new phone and I don't have the number. I don't know if I should keep this thing. If I get rid of it, my phone aversion will be transfered to my work voicemail or my home voicemail, or my email, because inevitably, I'll have to talk to XAH and I hate it so much. No wonder I'm too nice to him when he's just polite; I'm relieved that he hasn't thrown a hissy fit again.
Ugh.
Since my stepson dropped his phone in the washing machine (and since XAH forbade me to speak to his son), the phone's been rather useless. I've used it twice for emergency calls to my daughter's daycare or to find my dad in a crowded post-Boxing Day shopping mall. Aside from that, I don't look at it.
Since my "fight" with XAH Sunday night, I hadn't turned it on. In fact, it was out of power and I only charged it at work Monday afternoon and forgot about it. This morning I see that it's got 4 unread messages on it. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach lurched.
It's got to be XAH. Maybe it's about our argument. Or rather his accusatory argument with me. Maybe he's going to pick DD up from daycare. Maybe it's nothing. I have to read the messages but I don't want to!
I honestly HATE having a cell phone. Whenever it chimes, I get stressed. My father never calls it since I'm always either at work or at home, within reach of a landline. I'm now "allowed" to talk to my stepson again but he's got a new phone and I don't have the number. I don't know if I should keep this thing. If I get rid of it, my phone aversion will be transfered to my work voicemail or my home voicemail, or my email, because inevitably, I'll have to talk to XAH and I hate it so much. No wonder I'm too nice to him when he's just polite; I'm relieved that he hasn't thrown a hissy fit again.
Ugh.
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Ok, I bravely ran off to lunch with a good friend who is also separating from a control freak, and had her read my text messages for me. After a few technical hiccups, she gave me the gist of what was sent to me on Sunday after our argument over the phone:
"I'm tired of my daugther treating me like a stranger because you're dragging your heels on getting an legal agreement finalized."
"From now on, I'll pick her up when I want to and you can pick her up from me or she can spend the night. I'll just send you a text to let you know."
"And I'll do my best not to introduce her to Alex (guess this is the new girlfriend/enabler), but my word is as good as yours meaning not very."
Can I sigh here? *sigh*
Do I respond to him? Do I remind him that his daughter was probably thinking he was stranger because *he* neglected to visit with her for 2 weeks? I'm really tempted to panic and call in reinforcements because I don't like the idea of him picking her up whenever, then again, if I really think about this, it's just empty threats. He's too lazy to come get her at my parents' house on the week-end, so the worse that can happen is that he'll pick her up from daycare a few times a week, trudging through the snow and ice, and I'll have to get organized to go pick her up at his place before bedtime. She may cry and be fussy with him, but he won't care about that. That'll be my fault. I'm hoping he tires of that quickly and goes back to just seeing her once or twice a week.
Boy am I glad I had my cell phone off until now.
Am I being a bad mother here?
"I'm tired of my daugther treating me like a stranger because you're dragging your heels on getting an legal agreement finalized."
"From now on, I'll pick her up when I want to and you can pick her up from me or she can spend the night. I'll just send you a text to let you know."
"And I'll do my best not to introduce her to Alex (guess this is the new girlfriend/enabler), but my word is as good as yours meaning not very."
Can I sigh here? *sigh*
Do I respond to him? Do I remind him that his daughter was probably thinking he was stranger because *he* neglected to visit with her for 2 weeks? I'm really tempted to panic and call in reinforcements because I don't like the idea of him picking her up whenever, then again, if I really think about this, it's just empty threats. He's too lazy to come get her at my parents' house on the week-end, so the worse that can happen is that he'll pick her up from daycare a few times a week, trudging through the snow and ice, and I'll have to get organized to go pick her up at his place before bedtime. She may cry and be fussy with him, but he won't care about that. That'll be my fault. I'm hoping he tires of that quickly and goes back to just seeing her once or twice a week.
Boy am I glad I had my cell phone off until now.
Am I being a bad mother here?
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Being a bad mother? Now that made me laugh. Seriously No, you are not.
You are keeping her out of this mess and doing everything you are actually capable of to keep her life as pleasant and nurturing as possible. That's your job. I don't see him stepping up to that plate in the last few weeks. So the problem, as it has been, is his.
The best judge of future behavior is the past. Nothing has changed in him to indicate any different. I think your instincts are right, he will lose interest in this if you let it alone. He says he will send you a text if he wants to pick up DD at daycare. Try to be accomodating to show you're a good sport, and like you say, he may try it once then blame you for it being difficult (no more so than it is for you I'm sure) and never try it again.
He's just trying to push your buttons and you can diffuse it by letting it go in one ear and out the other.
Great job with having a friend intervene on the cel phone, but next time have her leave all the button pushing out of it and give you just the useful bits. Just the facts maam.
Best to you!
Alice
You are keeping her out of this mess and doing everything you are actually capable of to keep her life as pleasant and nurturing as possible. That's your job. I don't see him stepping up to that plate in the last few weeks. So the problem, as it has been, is his.
The best judge of future behavior is the past. Nothing has changed in him to indicate any different. I think your instincts are right, he will lose interest in this if you let it alone. He says he will send you a text if he wants to pick up DD at daycare. Try to be accomodating to show you're a good sport, and like you say, he may try it once then blame you for it being difficult (no more so than it is for you I'm sure) and never try it again.
He's just trying to push your buttons and you can diffuse it by letting it go in one ear and out the other.
Great job with having a friend intervene on the cel phone, but next time have her leave all the button pushing out of it and give you just the useful bits. Just the facts maam.
Best to you!
Alice
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
what does the parenting plan from the divorce decree outline regarding visitation? IMHO no way in hell can he just "get her whenever he wants" - uh uh, YOU are the custodial parent and as such you are in charge of her schedule, her health, well being, and knowing her whereabouts every minute of every day. he doesn't just get to f'ing waltz in whenever HE feels the urge....no way. we are talking about a CHILD here and her needs must come first...she isn't a damn toy, she isn't there for his amusement. there is a damn good reason why VISITATION times and dates are set AHEAD of time. that HE missed them is HIS problem.
I *have* been dragging my heels regarding getting a parenting plan drafted because a) my first lawyer turned out to be a dud and couldn't give me a solid legal opinion if her life depended on it, and b) I was hoping the situation would diffuse itself and that it would be unnecessary. Oyah and c) I'm afraid that if we go to court, he'll be awarded full joint custody, meaning 50/50, and I'm SO not ready to give into that. DD can't even get to sleep without nursing down yet, and I truly don't agree that a 50/50 split is good for young children.
As for HER needs, XAH doesn't care. It's all about him and HIS rights and HIS needs. I'm starting to think that he uses his children to get women. It's part of his "seduction arsenal": Poor misunderstood single dad, used and abused by every woman he's been with, who struggled his way through life while raising brilliant and beautiful children against all odds, with their hair streaming in the wind and unshed tears scintillating in their eyes...yadda yadda yadda...Hell, I fell for it when I met him, and now that there's a new woman in his life, he probably wants her to meet HIS daughter.
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Yes, I have an appointment with a new lawyer Thursday morning, and from what I've been told, this one is more "assertive" than my current lawyer. I'll see what she says with regards to what a judge would award considering our situation. Sadly, here in Canada, judges are all politically correct and LOVE to award joint custody because it's supposedly in the best interest of the child. And since XAH has somewhat changed his behaviour since he supposedly got a lawyer (doesn't drink in DD's presence, is way more involved when she visits, changes her, plays with her, feeds her properly), I have very little ground for contesting such an arrangement, except that I feel DD is far too young and needs a safe place to call home, not to be shuffled back and forth for her father's pleasure.
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