stella27

STBXAH and I have 3 kids together (8, 7 and 2). We have been separated since August and the divorce is in process and winding down, and should be final in the next month or two.

We had a co-parenting counseling session with the psych who had counseled us while we were still married. 2 weeks ago. AH used the time to scream at me about how I was trying to control his life. Seriously 30 minutes of that. Only the smallest bit of substantive discussion. It was abuse, and it was witnessed by the psych (for that I am glad).

We have another "co-parenting" session in a week. I have decided that I will go, but if he becomes belligerent and angry, that I will leave.

Is this the right decision or should I just cancel these sessions altogether based on the one bad incident?

Pelican

I can't tell you what to do about the appointment. I can ask you a few questions that came to my mind when I read your post:

Is this professional really able to help you when the professional permits 30 minutes of raging? (IMO, 30 minutes of raging between a client and a counselor is okay, but 30 minutes of one adult raging against another???)

Is the co-parenting session required by the courts as part of your divorce? If so, can the sessions be private?

In my previous marriage, we had to take divorced parenting classes. We were allowed to choose when and where we took the classes. We did not have to take them together.

stella27

Thank you for these thoughts! YES. It was 30 minutes of raging, and I did think the psych should have intervened - and I told him that. But then I said "if you weren't going to intervene, then I hope you were taking notes."
He said what he witnessed was a narcissistic temper tantrum by someone who was NOT going to be told what to do.

Psych also said that he was able to see exactly the behavior I had been describing over the past months. So for that I am appreciative.

No - we are not required to do this by the courts. It really relates to discussing how we can communicate for the benefit of the children - and talking about our son, who sees this psychologist occasionally.

nodaybut2day

Hi stella...I just had a thought with regards to your situation. I don't know if it works the same way where you live, but here in Quebec, the mediator's notes on the session with the client are strictly confidential. They can only be release if ordered by the court. In addition, the mediator can only report whether the mediation process worked or didn't. Our lawyer-mediator told us a story about a man who openly and clearly threatened to kill his wife, in front of the mediator. When the police called to speak to the mediator and get him to make a statement, the mediator plainly refused, and said his testimony could only be obtained if ordered by the courts. If this is the case where you live, I wonder if there's any use to continuing your sessions.

Have you thought of calling the psychologist to discuss this issue BEFORE the next session takes place?

stella27

he's not a mediator, and it isn't court-ordered. It's voluntary, private counseling/consultation about the ground rules of being divorced but still parenting together (as if he and I know what that means!). The psychologist and I talked on the phone afterward and he said that AH "is never going to work with you about anything." so I don't expect that we will move mountains in counseling - only that STBXAH will hear from a third party that my requests are not unreasonable.

ItsmeAlice

Gosh, it sounds as though this counselor has decided your STB is a lost cause. Is that, perhaps, the reason he did not intervene during his 30-minute snit? Because there was no point in trying? STB will never learn anything so why bother?

If I received yes answers to those questions, my instinct would be not to attend the sessions any further other than on an individual basis to assist your son. It's just giving your STB a set date and time where you may feel obligated to stay and listen to his outbursts. I would think the counselor would at least be qualified to pass on to you any information that is therapeutic from his sessions alone with your STB.

Why pay for what's obviously not working? or Why continue with someone who has stepped back from actively treating half of a client pair (STB)?

There are many modes of therapies out there and there are other therapists in the sea

Alice