Officially screwed up family...
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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Officially screwed up family...
I thought I came from a screwed up family - sometimes I thought I was the one who was screwed up - then not, and I was etc. - but now I am convinced that I am not the only one.
I just learned today that my SIL died in Sept. I knew early in the year that she was dying and called a lot only to leave messages and not have any of them returned. I was expecting every phone call to get the Call... but it didn't happen. Whenever I said I wanted to come visit - they wouldn't allow it and I just tried to be understanding.
Today I decided to Google her name for an obit and sure enough it was there! I called my brother to let him know that I saw the obit from months ago and wanted to know why he didn't call me. It isn't alcohol related but I am married to an alcoholic and life is crazy enough but now I am starting to wonder.
Is this normal?!
I just learned today that my SIL died in Sept. I knew early in the year that she was dying and called a lot only to leave messages and not have any of them returned. I was expecting every phone call to get the Call... but it didn't happen. Whenever I said I wanted to come visit - they wouldn't allow it and I just tried to be understanding.
Today I decided to Google her name for an obit and sure enough it was there! I called my brother to let him know that I saw the obit from months ago and wanted to know why he didn't call me. It isn't alcohol related but I am married to an alcoholic and life is crazy enough but now I am starting to wonder.
Is this normal?!
Oh my word Kass, I'm so sorry. I've experience a bit of my family not telling me what's going on in their lives as well and it does hurt to be excluded. I learned a favorite great uncle died this year as well, and I wasn't told until I asked about him for the umpteenth time.
My family has always been the type to avoid telling anyone bad news for fear of worrying the children etc but I thought they had been better in the last few years with the critical things.
For most stuff, I chalk it up to my keeping a distance from them with my problems with XABF. I think I started pulling back from them long ago when the addict/codie dance began and they just did know how to close the gap.
Maybe there is some of that going on with your family and maybe now is the time to tell them in some way that you were hurt by not being told, no accusations of course, and you'd like to be more in the loop in the future if they could open up more to you.
Communication now will net you more communication later when life events happen.
Just my experience with it.
Hugs,
Alice
My family has always been the type to avoid telling anyone bad news for fear of worrying the children etc but I thought they had been better in the last few years with the critical things.
For most stuff, I chalk it up to my keeping a distance from them with my problems with XABF. I think I started pulling back from them long ago when the addict/codie dance began and they just did know how to close the gap.
Maybe there is some of that going on with your family and maybe now is the time to tell them in some way that you were hurt by not being told, no accusations of course, and you'd like to be more in the loop in the future if they could open up more to you.
Communication now will net you more communication later when life events happen.
Just my experience with it.
Hugs,
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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Thanks for the support. I have learned that this was on purpose and goes back a long time. My bro holds resentments and I just realized that my SIL tried to bridge the gap.
I have decided that there are a number of ways to respond. I am not feeling very strong as this means my whole family has separated from me. I do admit that codie behavior did lead to me withdrawing from those who were close to me but since our separation they have returned to normal.
My choice to respond is to accept the separation for whatever the reason. To believe in a HP and design that while this may not have been the course predicted, it is the one that occurred and my response to it can be healing for me or not. Since my resolution this year is to be kind and take care of myself I choose to accept that I have very little control over other's choices but I can have the reaction I choose - I choose to be ok no matter what. I will send a letter of condolence to my bro.
I will let go of negativity and embrace an openness to take a different path and see where that leads me.
How this relates to my RAH is that it reminds of what his family did to him. I guess it allows me to access some what he must feel and need to address in a healing way in his own life. I still stand by my own need to feel safe in the relationship which is not available right now.
I have decided that there are a number of ways to respond. I am not feeling very strong as this means my whole family has separated from me. I do admit that codie behavior did lead to me withdrawing from those who were close to me but since our separation they have returned to normal.
My choice to respond is to accept the separation for whatever the reason. To believe in a HP and design that while this may not have been the course predicted, it is the one that occurred and my response to it can be healing for me or not. Since my resolution this year is to be kind and take care of myself I choose to accept that I have very little control over other's choices but I can have the reaction I choose - I choose to be ok no matter what. I will send a letter of condolence to my bro.
I will let go of negativity and embrace an openness to take a different path and see where that leads me.
How this relates to my RAH is that it reminds of what his family did to him. I guess it allows me to access some what he must feel and need to address in a healing way in his own life. I still stand by my own need to feel safe in the relationship which is not available right now.
Most families have plenty of crazy to go around.
All we can do is seek our own recovery and keep our own side of the street in order.
Sometimes we can reach out and change the dynamic with others just by being willing.
All we can do is seek our own recovery and keep our own side of the street in order.
Sometimes we can reach out and change the dynamic with others just by being willing.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Yesterday I found the nerve to tell someone out loud what happened b/c I was getting flooded with memories of the past. Mostly I realized that I had done a lot of excusing other's bad behavior and only looking/assuming the best about others. I never saw the bad side of others' and now I can stop wondering why I am in a relationship with an A - I knew there was a connection in there somewhere.
Could use some reminders that I did nothing wrong - and that it is not wrong to see the good in others.
Could use some reminders that I did nothing wrong - and that it is not wrong to see the good in others.
It is not wrong to see the good in others. What we're teaching each other here on SR is how to keep our own lives healthy and joyful in the process.
This is what I would do as well. I wouldn't be able to guess (or face) my family's personal reasons for not notifying me sooner, but this the kind of thing where I tend to do the right thing now, and figure out the deeper stuff later, when I'm feeling stronger.
Hang in there, Kassie.
I will send a letter of condolence to my bro.
Hang in there, Kassie.
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