sofacat

Out of the clear blue sky! His car pulled up and there He was! (Or "is "should I say).........says he needed to get more clean clothes. (Hmph!) I'll give him that and 10 more minutes! He's on his computer now!!! URGH!!!!!!!

I'm "fine" .....not freaky or panicking right now. After these 4 days of solely working on "Me" and working this program through...I'm ok. I was just starting to get my self back completely ( well kind of completely...no crying or sadness, just a bit of anxiety) But much much better than I was 4 days ago!
"Thank you SR!".....but now I have to ask him to leave all over again! 'Cause doesn't look like he's planning on it...and still not sober ( surprise, surprise! )

I just hoped like hell he was on the verge of grabbing onto that first step...but that's his deal.

Wish me luck and I'll post back!

teke

btdt many many times. my ah would almost always forget something so that he could come back to pick it up and then he would almost always play sleep, find some thing around the house that needed fixing, needed to wash clothes or something. he would just plan forget to leave and true enough i would eventually have to do it all over again. i hope this is not the case for you but don't be surprized, honestly, i'm not.

i got so tired of going through the same ole greiving process again and again until i finally packed up everything i thought he might use as an excuse and made him stay away.

sofacat

and just like that!......he's gone, again.

He of course, was all doom and gloom (not a sign of a person in recovery by any means)
For example, I asked how he was doing...and he replied with great sarcasm..."Great, I just loooove staying at my parents house." I said nothing. Then after about 10 minutes I asked... he if wouldn't mind helping Me put the X Mas Tree box in the attic[/I] , to which he replied "You're kidding Me, right?" and then I said "No, I could just use a hand if you wouldn't mind." and He said..."Well, considering I don't live here anymore, No...I won't help you." ................Nice, right?

( I need a vent here so I can shake it off..."If you wouldn't mind.")

I wanted to make sure that I had the opportunity to tell him
(for my own peace of mind) that He has choices and he can choose to be here if He works the program and stays clean. Now, of course he's still playing Mr. Manipulation, and I don't blame Him....I've conditioned him to know that he always gets his way when he does this. Not this time. Not this time!!!! So, as I was saying.... I made sure to let Him know that I am not angry (anymore) that he relapsed, and that I do love and care about Him very very much....then He butted in to remind me that I "threw Him out" because he "slipped"........First of all, he didn't "slip" ....he relapsed! But, I digress-

I cleared that up (for myself) that I did not "throw Him out"...that We had established house rules before he came home from rehab, and I did not ask him to leave because he relapsed...I asked him to leave because he:

1. Made a commitment to pay me back. And he started blowing money before he did so.

2. Lied to me on numerous occasions. I will no longer tolerate his lying.

3. Was in our (my) home high on pills.

4. Wasn't going to meetings every day when He returned from overseas.

These were all boundaries established by me before he came home from rehab. He agreed to these. So, I did not choose to ask him to leave, he chose the minute he started trampling all over the "house" rules. Period.

He hemmed and hawed on the computer for almost an hour. Finally, I asked if he could wrap it up by 5PM.

He said "I live here too and I need to get some things...." and then he asked how long I am off from work (I'm off til the end of this week) ...and I told him he can't stay here. He has choices, and so do I. And right now I am choosing to take care of myself because it's all I can do.

Now, through all of this I was okay. Seeing him high and the "deny, deny, deny" really made it much easier to stand my ground...and he knew it!

So what does the addict do, in one last attempt to serve a fatal blow to the one who's not caving in....

As he was walking out the door I told him that I love him and I know he can do this....(encouragement)....he says-

"I guess it's clear that we're broken up, so start thinking about what we need to divvy up." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The shot heard round the world! Oh, it was his last desperate attempt to manipulate Me.
But four words apply here:
I did not waiver.


urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!! I'm just so flippin' irritated that a grown person would behave like that! I know, he's an addict...yadda, yadda, yadda......... and I can't expect a person who is not sober to even remotely have a grounded healthy conversation with Me. But it's still irritating! I am human, after all.

I have heard this breaking up thing last time he stood his ground and "proclaimed sobriety"...that was a few weeks before he checked himself into rehab. Good thing is, I saved all the e mails from him from the last time to remind myself the tactics that were used on me. It helped me remember.

((( sigh ))) Thanks, I needed to get that out.

Clearly, he's not ready. It's just so damn sad.
But, "yay" for Me...I guess I am!

Ann

He may not have changed, that's quite clear, but YOU have and you are moving in a healthy direction by taking care of yourself.

I know that must have been hard, emotionally, but I'll bet it wasn't as hard as you might have thought it could be?

You may have some painful times, and times of feeling joy and peace of moving forward. In time, the pain will fade and new beginnings will open to you.

Hugs

Impurrfect

(((Sofacat))) - I think you did great!!

Yes, we will still try to have a "reasonable conversation" with an unreasonable addict for a time, until we "get it" and that takes time. You recovered quickly, and he stood your ground. Give yourself a pat on the back, take a deep breath, and try to relax...I'm sure your adrenaline is flowing pretty high, about now.

One more thing....be thinking of ways to get his stuff to him, so he doesn't need to "drop by" any more.

Big hugs and prayers!

Amy

sofacat

You're right, Ann...it wasn't. There was a moment there while I could hear him packing his things and I went into the bathroom to stabilize and breathe. I made sure not to creep out until I was centered. It worked!

Thank you so much for that. With the support of SR and learning to trust myself, things are getting better day by day. They're not perfect...but it's much better. I'm sure I will cry more tonight, but I'll pick myself back up in the morning and start a new day for Me.

((( hugs back! )))

teke

i'm proud of you, you stood your grounds but don't be suprized if he continues to check back from time to time.

sofacat

Thanks teke,

I'm sure he'll surface again. He's not a violent man, nor vengeful. His always been kind of the "happy", funny guy. He's a codie-people-pleaser too. So I don't feel threatened by him that way. He is a grudge holder though...and accountability has never been his strong suit. (surprise, surprise.)

I didn't tell him he had to move out. I told him he can't be here unless he's sober. And right now, though he "says" he is sober...we both know he is not. Right now he's got his enabling parents who wouldn't dare confront him even if they found the pills as his audience. So he's got fuel for his fire, ya know?

Only time will tell. But thank you, and I will be sure to make provisions. My mother lives right across the street from me (another mini series) and a neighbor across the street who doesn't miss a thing! Sometimes I guess you need your neighbors to be nosy!

liesagain

you did great sofa

not easy I'm sure but you did great

tchappy

You are doing really good!

It is amazing to me how much he sounds exactly like my ex ABF. He said the exact same things, wanted to play on the computer, the break up thing, the pissy attitude...he could be a twin to my ex. Is it because they are addicts or men?

But it does feel sooooo good not to let them manipulate you or the conversation anymore. You know you have made it or are on your way when you can stand your ground and not let them manipulate their way back in to your life.

Your posts are helping me too....my Ex is still trying to manipulate his way back in on almost a daily basis. So, I am having to be strong on a DAILY basis..it is getting tiring and I hope it comes easier as the days pass. Or maybe a restraining order may be in the near future. ; )

Thanks for your posts and again you are doing great.