What to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1
What to do?
24 year marriage, 2 kids 15 and 18. I work nights, the wife drinks vodka out of the bottle when I am not home. She has been doing this 4 or 5 years. Worse at times, then gets better for a month or two.
When she drinks, no memory, ask the same questions over and over, will not go to bed, can not talk, denies she is drinking (right!), falls down (bruises on her body), passes out in the chair. Has no memory when she starts drinking. I worry she will drive, I know she will kill herself or someone if she does. When she is sober she says she knows better than to drive, but when she is drinking she does not have a clue.
Me, I drink also, I keep no alcohol inside the house. I have told the kids we are splitting up. Kids are staying with me. Tuff on the 15yo. The wife has stated she will leave, looking for apt today. BUT, wants another try. Should I give in? She has tried AA but did not finish, never called her support person. This is going to kill us money wise. A lot of things we have worked for will be gone.
Finding and reading these forums is the reason I am not going to keep on with the same BS. Is this the right move?
When she drinks, no memory, ask the same questions over and over, will not go to bed, can not talk, denies she is drinking (right!), falls down (bruises on her body), passes out in the chair. Has no memory when she starts drinking. I worry she will drive, I know she will kill herself or someone if she does. When she is sober she says she knows better than to drive, but when she is drinking she does not have a clue.
Me, I drink also, I keep no alcohol inside the house. I have told the kids we are splitting up. Kids are staying with me. Tuff on the 15yo. The wife has stated she will leave, looking for apt today. BUT, wants another try. Should I give in? She has tried AA but did not finish, never called her support person. This is going to kill us money wise. A lot of things we have worked for will be gone.
Finding and reading these forums is the reason I am not going to keep on with the same BS. Is this the right move?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Cry,
Welcome to the family.
Hooray for you sharing with us!
It sounds like you are dealing with some heart wrenching and scary stuff!!
Ultimately, only you can decide the right move.
But, there is a lot of wisdom here. Keep reading. Read the stickies at the top. Read the wise words from others. Consider attending an AlAnon meeting in your area. Consider reading Melody Beattie's Book Codependent No More.
Think about the 2 c's:
You did not cause this.
You can not change it.
You can not control it.
And know that recovery is a slow process that takes a commitment and active work from the alcoholic and 99% of the time a recovery plan/group of some sort. Otherwise, no recovery and more of the same.
The behaviors you describe are awfully heartbreaking but not surprising in terms of what can happen to an alcoholic.
Take care of yourself and your 15 y.o.
Only your wife can take care of herself.
Good luck. Stick around!
Hugs,
Wife
Welcome to the family.
Hooray for you sharing with us!
It sounds like you are dealing with some heart wrenching and scary stuff!!
Ultimately, only you can decide the right move.
But, there is a lot of wisdom here. Keep reading. Read the stickies at the top. Read the wise words from others. Consider attending an AlAnon meeting in your area. Consider reading Melody Beattie's Book Codependent No More.
Think about the 2 c's:
You did not cause this.
You can not change it.
You can not control it.
And know that recovery is a slow process that takes a commitment and active work from the alcoholic and 99% of the time a recovery plan/group of some sort. Otherwise, no recovery and more of the same.
The behaviors you describe are awfully heartbreaking but not surprising in terms of what can happen to an alcoholic.
Take care of yourself and your 15 y.o.
Only your wife can take care of herself.
Good luck. Stick around!
Hugs,
Wife
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
I've been married for 17 years, and also have a 15 year old. I understand that this is very difficult and complicated.
I agree with everything Wife said. I've been on this journey a couple of months, and have read some good books and attended Al Anon. I am less insane now than I was 3 months ago. Progress.
Take care of yourself and your kids. As a child of an alcoholics, I can tell you that you are hugely important to them.
I agree with everything Wife said. I've been on this journey a couple of months, and have read some good books and attended Al Anon. I am less insane now than I was 3 months ago. Progress.
Take care of yourself and your kids. As a child of an alcoholics, I can tell you that you are hugely important to them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Me, I drink also, I keep no alcohol inside the house.
Do you have a drinking problem also?
I really feel for your kids. Offer them lots of information - kids do best with the facts - about alcoholism...and maybe they could check out AlaTeen in your area... I didn't discover AlAnon till my twenties but it was THE thing that finally got me on the road to a healthy mind. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and have been coping with my 3 alcoholic brothers all my life...I'd probably be locked in a closet right now if I hadn't found AlAnon and the tools it offered me to cope and change!
peace- glad you're here and as long as you keep doing the next right thing - no matter how unpleasant - you can't go wrong!
b
Do you have a drinking problem also?
I really feel for your kids. Offer them lots of information - kids do best with the facts - about alcoholism...and maybe they could check out AlaTeen in your area... I didn't discover AlAnon till my twenties but it was THE thing that finally got me on the road to a healthy mind. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and have been coping with my 3 alcoholic brothers all my life...I'd probably be locked in a closet right now if I hadn't found AlAnon and the tools it offered me to cope and change!
peace- glad you're here and as long as you keep doing the next right thing - no matter how unpleasant - you can't go wrong!
b
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
also -
kids need to be shown what ARE the facts (like Bernadette said)
and what is the 'entanglements' in a situation like this.
I mean, that children of alcoholic caretakers tend to be extreme in their posessiveness, in their individual need for attention and nurturing, even in how they get their needs met -
when you think about it -
makes sense -
I mean, any time they needed something -
they had to get their needs met by someone half conscious on the couch, right?
They have it 'built in' by now that they are NOT the top of anyone's list,
that they come AFTER... the substance.
That behavior has to be UNlearned.
Or a better, more efficient way has to be shown them.
Otherwise, it's just another family carrying on the same legacy.
Hopefully, you've a strong system in your area - AlAteen, for them and Al-anon for you.
Alcoholism and addiction have nothing to do with the 'level' of love someone may or may not have for family and others. The kids need to understand that. Or be led in that direction.
I can't recommend counseling enough, even if I can't spell it.
I hope you'll seek a system of support as well.
kids need to be shown what ARE the facts (like Bernadette said)
and what is the 'entanglements' in a situation like this.
I mean, that children of alcoholic caretakers tend to be extreme in their posessiveness, in their individual need for attention and nurturing, even in how they get their needs met -
when you think about it -
makes sense -
I mean, any time they needed something -
they had to get their needs met by someone half conscious on the couch, right?
They have it 'built in' by now that they are NOT the top of anyone's list,
that they come AFTER... the substance.
That behavior has to be UNlearned.
Or a better, more efficient way has to be shown them.
Otherwise, it's just another family carrying on the same legacy.
Hopefully, you've a strong system in your area - AlAteen, for them and Al-anon for you.
Alcoholism and addiction have nothing to do with the 'level' of love someone may or may not have for family and others. The kids need to understand that. Or be led in that direction.
I can't recommend counseling enough, even if I can't spell it.
I hope you'll seek a system of support as well.
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