Need some advice...burning question!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here, there, and everywhere
Posts: 4
Need some advice...burning question!!
Hello all!
I've been separated from my ABF of almost seven years for the last two months with zero contact. The first week was hell
, the second was a little bit better, and two months later, I'm starting to heal. I've been attending a lot of Al-Anon meetings and a few select open AA meetings, as well. When he asked me to leave, he had just started his recovery in September and was working a really good program. He had been dry for five years, and the naive person I was had no idea that he wasn't actually 'sober." Today, I've come to realize what my part was exactly, and by working a really good program myself, I'm starting to feel a bit better about this separation.
My question to all of you out there is: are there any of you who have separated, then reconciled, and to add to that did the transition from sick to healthy love/living together go smooth? I know it is different for every couple, and I was just curious if anyone had any feedback!
Thanks!
I've been separated from my ABF of almost seven years for the last two months with zero contact. The first week was hell
, the second was a little bit better, and two months later, I'm starting to heal. I've been attending a lot of Al-Anon meetings and a few select open AA meetings, as well. When he asked me to leave, he had just started his recovery in September and was working a really good program. He had been dry for five years, and the naive person I was had no idea that he wasn't actually 'sober." Today, I've come to realize what my part was exactly, and by working a really good program myself, I'm starting to feel a bit better about this separation. My question to all of you out there is: are there any of you who have separated, then reconciled, and to add to that did the transition from sick to healthy love/living together go smooth? I know it is different for every couple, and I was just curious if anyone had any feedback!
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Lucy, I'm not sure I understand. You're feeling much better about the separation and so you...want to get back together? I have seen a pattern among people who begin to do intense inner work for the first time: They start making discoveries within themselves, and often want to go back into the dragon's mouth in order to see if they can fix the past with this "new me" they find. Is it what's really best for you? Or would it be better to instead associate yourself with healthy people and healthy relationships?
To answer your question more directly, I was the person above. I found a new me. I found my role in everything. I went back, with soaring hopes that I had finally found a way to fix the relationship by fixing me.
Trouble was, he was the same person he had always been, and just as willing to blame everything on me as he always had. The "new me" quickly became the old, sick me, and stayed that way until I detached again.
Just my experience but...worth examining your motives and "playing the tape all the way through" on this to see where you're going with it, and what happens if you've changed, but he hasn't.
Good luck either way!!
To answer your question more directly, I was the person above. I found a new me. I found my role in everything. I went back, with soaring hopes that I had finally found a way to fix the relationship by fixing me.
Trouble was, he was the same person he had always been, and just as willing to blame everything on me as he always had. The "new me" quickly became the old, sick me, and stayed that way until I detached again.
Just my experience but...worth examining your motives and "playing the tape all the way through" on this to see where you're going with it, and what happens if you've changed, but he hasn't.
Good luck either way!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Lucy!
I'm glad you are here. Congrats on your recovery work! It sounds like you have a good support system for yourself. You will also find support here.
There are some members still posting that are in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. However, some members that have worked their recovery, allowed their alcoholic to work a recovery program and found serenity in a life together - have moved on from the support forum. Life goes on.
I can share my personal experience with you. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering codependent of an alcoholic marriage. I am divorced from my alcoholic. My ex is now sober. We live in different cities/state. That is where we are today. I take it one day at a time.
I'm glad you are here. Congrats on your recovery work! It sounds like you have a good support system for yourself. You will also find support here.
There are some members still posting that are in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. However, some members that have worked their recovery, allowed their alcoholic to work a recovery program and found serenity in a life together - have moved on from the support forum. Life goes on.
I can share my personal experience with you. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering codependent of an alcoholic marriage. I am divorced from my alcoholic. My ex is now sober. We live in different cities/state. That is where we are today. I take it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
You are telling my story. My XAH has not gotten sober. He was my drug. I have a new me. No contact is best for me. I still care about him but don't miss the crazies or the chaos. It took years to let him go. Hard stuff but after two years I know I am better off. He does try to hook me back in especially during the holidays. He is lonely and scared. I miss him but am glad I have "me" back and I don't miss the drama,lies,worries,hurt,wrecked cars,police,jail,duis,upset children,financial repercusions.Whew....got tired thinking about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
This is amazing:
I was so ashamed that I had done this...and it is only recently I've been able to detach for the most part...It isn't great yet, I know it won't be until I leave.
Even though STBXAH is not drinking and is "acting" more decent recently I don't trust it, he is still unemployed/unemployable because he lost his license, doesn't have a car, money or prospects of anywhere to go...he is still a parasite. He can get into abusive mode at any time if I should bring up that he needs to look for work or get his own money to buy cigarettes or whatever boundary I need to set.
It would take a LOT OF MILES to get him to a place where I'd consider reconciling...but everyone is still different.
To answer your question more directly, I was the person above. I found a new me. I found my role in everything. I went back, with soaring hopes that I had finally found a way to fix the relationship by fixing me.
Trouble was, he was the same person he had always been, and just as willing to blame everything on me as he always had. The "new me" quickly became the old, sick me, and stayed that way until I detached again.
Trouble was, he was the same person he had always been, and just as willing to blame everything on me as he always had. The "new me" quickly became the old, sick me, and stayed that way until I detached again.
Even though STBXAH is not drinking and is "acting" more decent recently I don't trust it, he is still unemployed/unemployable because he lost his license, doesn't have a car, money or prospects of anywhere to go...he is still a parasite. He can get into abusive mode at any time if I should bring up that he needs to look for work or get his own money to buy cigarettes or whatever boundary I need to set.
It would take a LOT OF MILES to get him to a place where I'd consider reconciling...but everyone is still different.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here, there, and everywhere
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GiveLove,
I'm just trying to gain some different perspectives from you all, because from what I've read in the FFA forums, you guys have a lot of es&h that is incredibly valuable. Today, I wouldn't go back, but I don't know if I'll feel the same tomorrow. I've heard from a lot of old timers that they more times than not, a reconciliation is a good possibility if both of us have gotten some recovery. I'm afraid that because both of us lived for so long in the dry disease, that it wouldn't be an easy path to a healthier "us." I'm grateful that whatever is supposed to happen is in God's hands and time, because in my time...everything cracks and breaks. I'm sorry if I've gone off in many different directions, but I'm feeling a little lost. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself...
I'm just trying to gain some different perspectives from you all, because from what I've read in the FFA forums, you guys have a lot of es&h that is incredibly valuable. Today, I wouldn't go back, but I don't know if I'll feel the same tomorrow. I've heard from a lot of old timers that they more times than not, a reconciliation is a good possibility if both of us have gotten some recovery. I'm afraid that because both of us lived for so long in the dry disease, that it wouldn't be an easy path to a healthier "us." I'm grateful that whatever is supposed to happen is in God's hands and time, because in my time...everything cracks and breaks. I'm sorry if I've gone off in many different directions, but I'm feeling a little lost. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
my brother divorced and while he was dating, came to the realization that he can't just be a healthier him, and jump into a relationship with a healthier woman, and voila
live happily ever after. it's more complicated than that.
what he hypothesized, then later came to live, is that he needed to not only grow into a healthier person, but he had to "practice" on and with others. does that make sense? just as young people date and "go steady" with other young people, they are learning what relationships are and what it is to be in one. you don't just learn it intellectually, you learn it experientially.
i sure wish i could write to you about my happy ending. i am reunited with mine after a terrible relapse. i still have no idea if we can make it. but you are two completely different people, and you are both, as you say, working a good program and strong in it. this is what i do know: relationships, even in ideal circumstances, are work, often times very challenging and painful work. but that is why the good times are so sweet. i hope people with real experience continue to weigh in - i too am very interested in how the odds look.
peace
live happily ever after. it's more complicated than that.
what he hypothesized, then later came to live, is that he needed to not only grow into a healthier person, but he had to "practice" on and with others. does that make sense? just as young people date and "go steady" with other young people, they are learning what relationships are and what it is to be in one. you don't just learn it intellectually, you learn it experientially.
i sure wish i could write to you about my happy ending. i am reunited with mine after a terrible relapse. i still have no idea if we can make it. but you are two completely different people, and you are both, as you say, working a good program and strong in it. this is what i do know: relationships, even in ideal circumstances, are work, often times very challenging and painful work. but that is why the good times are so sweet. i hope people with real experience continue to weigh in - i too am very interested in how the odds look.
peace
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi Lucy and welcome.
nope.
never managed it,
so can't help there,
My own personal experience is to
burn the bridge
blow it up
and seal off the gorge
so I'm no good to ya there.
just hello and welcome!
nope.
never managed it,
so can't help there,
My own personal experience is to
burn the bridge
blow it up
and seal off the gorge
so I'm no good to ya there.
just hello and welcome!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here, there, and everywhere
Posts: 4
To all that have replied, thank you all very much for you heart-felt and real responses. I am truly appreciative to read what others have gone through, and the responses have given me a completely different perspective on this whole situation. I absolutely love SR. Like Al-Anon, where has this forum been all of my "sick adult" life?!?! You guys are awesome
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