Got caught off guard
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Got caught off guard
Ok, so things were going well with XAH. For some reason, he didn't ask to see DD much during the holidays, and I wasn't about to prompt him to see his child, so due to his laziness and a short bout of stomach flu on my part, he saw DD today for 2.5 hrs, after 2.5 weeks of not seeing her. He still called me, but it was to discuss other pressing and dramatic issues in his life.
I honestly thought that he'd settled down, and had started to accept that he's simply ill-equipped to care for a 17 month old infant. Today's visit went well. One concern though; I got there a bit after 10 a.m., and he was drinking what looked like Coka-Cola in the glasses he usually uses for beer. I didn't give into the temptation to sniff the glass when he left the room, but I did remember once the visit was over that he was not to drink while caring for DD. The initial plan was to let him care for DD for 2 hrs or so, and see if there was a problem.
Tonight, XAH calls me asking whether or not our lease assignment was a done deal, considering all the problems we'd had contacting the landlady. I confirmed that it was, as per the rules set by the tenants' association here. He then proceeded to drill me with questions; I have to admit I was so off guard that I just fell into the trap of answering him, like I used to;
Him: So, now that you're off the hook with the lease, when are you going to look for an apartment?
Me: Um, next summer.
Him: So, my next question is, how long do you plan on freeloading off your parents?
Me: What?
Him: How much food do you pay there? How much rent?
Me (scrambling): 200$ a month, plus gas, plus rent as of January.
Him: Oh is that right?!! How long are you planning on freeloading off your parents and living the middle of nowhere?! And for that matter, I've only seen my daughter for 2 hours in the past two weeks! Since December, MY visitations have just mysteriously gone out the window...BLAH BLAH BLAH
It just went on like that. Accusations. Blame shifting. Demands. Everything was my fault. I couldn't tell if he was drinking or not, but I never could. I just know that he LOVES to call up his son's mother in the evening to ream her out about something or other. I guess I'll be receiving his calls now.
I know I should have just shut him down and not answered his questions. I did something like that at some point, telling him that if he couldn't speak to me politely, I'd hang up...but damnit, I'm so angry at this man that I just got drawn into the conversation and jumped at the opportunity to let him have a piece of my mind.
I feel rather stupid now for falling into this trap. I guess I'd let my guard down. Things had been cordial between us, almost "friendly", and them WHAMO. We're back to being adversaries. I don't know what happened. I just know that he strung me along in the conversation long enough to hang up on me. ARG!!
The only thing I'm glad about is the fact that I was very clear on the concept that I do not exist solely to shuttle his daughter to his apartment, or to act as his personal secretary, reminding him to schedule his visitations with her. He plain forgot twice, then cancelled, then I got sick and he *generously* agreed to wait until I wasn't puking my guts out to get me to drive DD over to his place. And I reminded him that I organized my entire day around making sure he had time with his daughter, and that he could have very well asked me to come back to get DD later than I planned to, but there was no getting through to him.
UGH, I'm SO FRUSTRATED right now.
I honestly thought that he'd settled down, and had started to accept that he's simply ill-equipped to care for a 17 month old infant. Today's visit went well. One concern though; I got there a bit after 10 a.m., and he was drinking what looked like Coka-Cola in the glasses he usually uses for beer. I didn't give into the temptation to sniff the glass when he left the room, but I did remember once the visit was over that he was not to drink while caring for DD. The initial plan was to let him care for DD for 2 hrs or so, and see if there was a problem.
Tonight, XAH calls me asking whether or not our lease assignment was a done deal, considering all the problems we'd had contacting the landlady. I confirmed that it was, as per the rules set by the tenants' association here. He then proceeded to drill me with questions; I have to admit I was so off guard that I just fell into the trap of answering him, like I used to;
Him: So, now that you're off the hook with the lease, when are you going to look for an apartment?
Me: Um, next summer.
Him: So, my next question is, how long do you plan on freeloading off your parents?
Me: What?
Him: How much food do you pay there? How much rent?
Me (scrambling): 200$ a month, plus gas, plus rent as of January.
Him: Oh is that right?!! How long are you planning on freeloading off your parents and living the middle of nowhere?! And for that matter, I've only seen my daughter for 2 hours in the past two weeks! Since December, MY visitations have just mysteriously gone out the window...BLAH BLAH BLAH
It just went on like that. Accusations. Blame shifting. Demands. Everything was my fault. I couldn't tell if he was drinking or not, but I never could. I just know that he LOVES to call up his son's mother in the evening to ream her out about something or other. I guess I'll be receiving his calls now.
I know I should have just shut him down and not answered his questions. I did something like that at some point, telling him that if he couldn't speak to me politely, I'd hang up...but damnit, I'm so angry at this man that I just got drawn into the conversation and jumped at the opportunity to let him have a piece of my mind.
I feel rather stupid now for falling into this trap. I guess I'd let my guard down. Things had been cordial between us, almost "friendly", and them WHAMO. We're back to being adversaries. I don't know what happened. I just know that he strung me along in the conversation long enough to hang up on me. ARG!!
The only thing I'm glad about is the fact that I was very clear on the concept that I do not exist solely to shuttle his daughter to his apartment, or to act as his personal secretary, reminding him to schedule his visitations with her. He plain forgot twice, then cancelled, then I got sick and he *generously* agreed to wait until I wasn't puking my guts out to get me to drive DD over to his place. And I reminded him that I organized my entire day around making sure he had time with his daughter, and that he could have very well asked me to come back to get DD later than I planned to, but there was no getting through to him.
UGH, I'm SO FRUSTRATED right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Bottom line: You are frustrated because he's an active alcoholic in your life. It is what it is. It is what they do. It is how we feel we interact with them.
I'm not going to tell you that you should have ended the contact when you realized it was unhealthy because you are aware of that.
What I am going to say instead is that I totally get it and I have been where you are. You want to bang your head on a wall and admonish yourself for your own stupidity. What a fool am I..on and on.
I equate it to putting your head in a hole in the fence and getting hit with a pie. You would think we would never look in another hole again....but...curiosity gets us and we wonder what's on the other side of the fence...then wammo...boston creme right in the kisser.
Your brain was baffled by his questions and you hung in there thinking you'd figure out what he was talking about...then wammo...there's that pie again.
Please try to forgive yourself for it. It's all alcoholic quacking. He brought this BS on himself with vsitiation. You're still doing more than half a share in keeping the visitation agreement alive. You are still working through this process and should be proud of the steps you've taken.
Oh, and if you need help eating that pie, my friend, just shout, I'm available!!
Alice
I'm not going to tell you that you should have ended the contact when you realized it was unhealthy because you are aware of that.
What I am going to say instead is that I totally get it and I have been where you are. You want to bang your head on a wall and admonish yourself for your own stupidity. What a fool am I..on and on.
I equate it to putting your head in a hole in the fence and getting hit with a pie. You would think we would never look in another hole again....but...curiosity gets us and we wonder what's on the other side of the fence...then wammo...boston creme right in the kisser.
Your brain was baffled by his questions and you hung in there thinking you'd figure out what he was talking about...then wammo...there's that pie again.
Please try to forgive yourself for it. It's all alcoholic quacking. He brought this BS on himself with vsitiation. You're still doing more than half a share in keeping the visitation agreement alive. You are still working through this process and should be proud of the steps you've taken.
Oh, and if you need help eating that pie, my friend, just shout, I'm available!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
"Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up."
No seriously, I get sucked in by the superficial niceness all the time. It has happened to me again and again. I have a new resolve to keep it "cheerful cashier." I can't take it anymore!
No seriously, I get sucked in by the superficial niceness all the time. It has happened to me again and again. I have a new resolve to keep it "cheerful cashier." I can't take it anymore!
Quote of the day, man. That was fabulous.Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Don't beat yourself up, just remember HE is the expert in the art of quacking, which means he knows just when to hit you when you least expect it.
I have a picture on my fridge to calm my temper when abf quacks, (not often as he is still sober) and I offer it to you. That snap sure stops me from taking anything said very seriously, in fact I have difficulty keeping a straight face.
God bless
I have a picture on my fridge to calm my temper when abf quacks, (not often as he is still sober) and I offer it to you. That snap sure stops me from taking anything said very seriously, in fact I have difficulty keeping a straight face.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i would have sipped his drink to see if their was alcohol in it. you kinda need to know, considering DD.
considering the situation, i would not answer any questions to him regarding your life and your finances. this can be used against used in divorce proceedings. the less he knows about your life, the better.
and next time, beat him to the punch. if the conversation turns, as this one did, hang up.
considering the situation, i would not answer any questions to him regarding your life and your finances. this can be used against used in divorce proceedings. the less he knows about your life, the better.
and next time, beat him to the punch. if the conversation turns, as this one did, hang up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Him: So, now that you're off the hook with the lease, when are you going to look for an apartment?
Me: I appreciate your concern. I'll figure it out.[/B]
Him: So, my next question is, how long do you plan on freeloading off your parents?
Me: I appreciate your concern but I have it handled.
Him: How much food do you pay there? How much rent?
Me (scrambling): I appreciate your concern but I have it handled.
Him: Oh is that right?!! How long are you planning on freeloading off your parents and living the middle of nowhere?! And for that matter, I've only seen my daughter for 2 hours in the past two weeks! Since December, MY visitations have just mysteriously gone out the window...BLAH BLAH BLAH
Me: I appreciate your concern. I'll figure it out.[/B]
Him: So, my next question is, how long do you plan on freeloading off your parents?
Me: I appreciate your concern but I have it handled.
Him: How much food do you pay there? How much rent?
Me (scrambling): I appreciate your concern but I have it handled.
Him: Oh is that right?!! How long are you planning on freeloading off your parents and living the middle of nowhere?! And for that matter, I've only seen my daughter for 2 hours in the past two weeks! Since December, MY visitations have just mysteriously gone out the window...BLAH BLAH BLAH
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
aw, geez, they are experts at hitting our buttons and it gets ingrained to be on the defensive.....don't beat yourself up.....it's not a mistake, it's a lesson. You will learn to get stronger within so that you recognize what is happening and the more practice you get at handling it, the easier it comes.
Jadmack, that has to be the laugh of the day, thank you so very much!!!!
Jadmack, that has to be the laugh of the day, thank you so very much!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Here is a great quote from Bucyn:
"They call us controlling because they are desperately trying to control something, somebody, since they can't control themselves or that pretty colored liquid in a bottle that everyone else seems to be able to control.
They make random accusations, cycling through a private list of what might work to get us back in line. The accusations have no basis in reality, nor do the alkies care if they do or not. They aren't looking for understanding or closeness or resolution to problems, they are looking for the magic sequence of words that will make you perform your function in their life: to support their drinking, their lifestyle, their egos, their desires.
So they will cycle through a nonsensical list of things that at one point worked on you:
You want sex too much.
You don't want sex enough.
You are too fat.
You are too thin.
You make too much money and think you are better than me.
You don't make enough money and think you are going to live off me.
You are lazy.
You are always busy.
You voted republican.
You voted democratic.
Then you say, "I did NOT vote democratic", and BINGO!! They've got you. They will rail about how nasty democrats are even though they themselves are democrats and you never once voted democratic. It's not about truth, it's about making you defensive, making you fight back so they have the excuse to pour their self hatred on you. They need to vomit, and they want to do it on you rather than themselves, so if it takes "You call too much" to get you to come close enough to vomit on you, they'll say, "You call too much". If it takes, "You don't call me enough", then they'll say, "You don't call enough". Truth is irrelevant: what they want is you to say: "How can you say that, I called..."
The moment you do that, you've been had. You're a goner. You fell right into the trap.
This is why NO CONTACT is so important. You become untouchable. They have to vomit on themselves or find someone else...and it's not easy to find people who will permit themselves to be vomited upon."
"They call us controlling because they are desperately trying to control something, somebody, since they can't control themselves or that pretty colored liquid in a bottle that everyone else seems to be able to control.
They make random accusations, cycling through a private list of what might work to get us back in line. The accusations have no basis in reality, nor do the alkies care if they do or not. They aren't looking for understanding or closeness or resolution to problems, they are looking for the magic sequence of words that will make you perform your function in their life: to support their drinking, their lifestyle, their egos, their desires.
So they will cycle through a nonsensical list of things that at one point worked on you:
You want sex too much.
You don't want sex enough.
You are too fat.
You are too thin.
You make too much money and think you are better than me.
You don't make enough money and think you are going to live off me.
You are lazy.
You are always busy.
You voted republican.
You voted democratic.
Then you say, "I did NOT vote democratic", and BINGO!! They've got you. They will rail about how nasty democrats are even though they themselves are democrats and you never once voted democratic. It's not about truth, it's about making you defensive, making you fight back so they have the excuse to pour their self hatred on you. They need to vomit, and they want to do it on you rather than themselves, so if it takes "You call too much" to get you to come close enough to vomit on you, they'll say, "You call too much". If it takes, "You don't call me enough", then they'll say, "You don't call enough". Truth is irrelevant: what they want is you to say: "How can you say that, I called..."
The moment you do that, you've been had. You're a goner. You fell right into the trap.
This is why NO CONTACT is so important. You become untouchable. They have to vomit on themselves or find someone else...and it's not easy to find people who will permit themselves to be vomited upon."
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