want2Bfree325

Oh, boy where do I begin?

I came on here right after my ABF and I had broken up because I found out that he was using heroin again. It had been several weeks though we were in contact quite a bit. He had signed up for an outpatient service and apparently upped his medication. He came home and everything seemed like it was going great and that 'I had my guy back'. Low and behold it has only been about a few weeks since he has been home and I believe that he is using again. Well, I pretty much know that he is. I have gotten the book 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie and that has put so many things into perspective in that I am realizing more and more my part in the whole scheme of things. However, here I am playing the codie role and worrying about him and just sitting still. I feel like I am moving forward in realizing that it is time to let go and that I need to start thinking about me but I will not lie and say that I am not scared. Reading the book I started seeing that I played the 'rescuer' by taking him back and then became angry when MY expectations were not met by how 'things should be'. I also became upset because I see that all of his words were bs and that he is using again. Last week we were out running errands...he said at one point that he had to use the bathroom and we stopped at a gas station. When he came out, I immediately saw he had swollen marks on his hand. First he lied and said I was crazy, then since I told him about my codependency he blamed it on that (which he was right in that my trying to force him to fed up was just that), and then he said he shot up water because it helps with his anxiety. He said he would talk to his doctor and up his medication and that he would talk to his therapist about it. He has yet to do that and I don't know if I believe he has been going to his meetings. Everyday there are reasons to take off from early afternoon til about 8pm (he's gone now..heard nothing from him since he left) and money is just really bad...I am proud of myself bc I usually sit around and text him a million times but today I did not. I have been worrying about him and thinking a million different thoughts but I guess one step at a time right? He also has track marks and says its from doing the water shots. I asked on a different forum about this and some said that there is a fixation or rush from doing this but even so he needs help and he is not getting it. There isn't anything I can do and I am getting ready to leave again. I just am scared of myself. I am scared of 'relapsing' with him again. I have been reading other people's posts and it is inspiring to see those who are fighting themselves and not giving in to their temptations to contact those that they have had to separate themselves from. It is also comforting to know that I am not the only one who has endured the withdrawals of parting from the addict in question. I am just at the end of my ropes...the last time he relapsed he did clean up for a little over a year and it kind of put things in perspective that he just went right back this time so believe it or not I am in a bit of shock. I just know that there is no other way and that it's not my fault. I am feeling more able to let go and am proud of the baby steps I am taking and trying to focus more on me through readings and coming on here. I am just a ball of anxiety tonight and I just pray for the strength and power to do what is right for me and my two children. Thanks for listening and know that all of your posts on this forum have helped me more than you could possibly know...

cessy68

what kind of strength are you searching for? I don't know, perhaps I shouldn't be saying this, but you just said you have two children, so I'm wondering what more strength you have to munster up.

I think asking yourself, why on gods green earth you'd be with a man, who SHOOTS UP WATER, (haha by the way) when you have kids... is just beyond my comprehension. Where's the needle? Is it dirty or clean? Wanna get a disease, and get sick and die, and leave your kids behind in this world? Because that's the risk you're taking, when accepting a man, who calls YOU crazy. A MAN WHO TELLS YOU HE'S JUST shooting up water is the crazy one.

The only thing I can say is run.
Fast.

Hope you find the lightbulb moment before you're lying there sick, and then realizing how crazy this kind of question really is.

Hugs,
Cess

want2Bfree325

Let me begin by saying thank you for your post despite the fact that it does strike a cord I do appreciate that you are trying to help and I do totally get what you are trying to say. I know it's not worth the risk to me or my children. I really thought that he was clean and yeah, even with the first time with the needle, bought into it... With that said, how many people here have children and have dealt with this? Truth be told I am ready to kick him out tonight. I hate how I feel attacked over my children. I take damn good care of them and I do find myself in a f'd up situation but I thought he was clean and the only reason that I bought into the water thing is because I saw him come out of the gas station and he wasn't high. Yes, I bought into the bs...if none of us ever had there would be no such thing as codependency. I wasn't looking for advice, really I wasn't just venting and trying to gain some perspective on what the hell I am doing and permitting to go on in my life...I KNOW what I have to do. Yes, I do feel like I have to find the strength, it's easy to leave but it's hard to stay away. Yes, I pray for strength that I won't do the same thing again. That I won't buy into the crap and think AGAIN that things will change. I know I am not the only one who has dealt with that so why would I not want that? I don't get it...It's just wording, I know the strength and action comes from me and you're absolutely right, it's about time that I stand up and do something for not only myself but for my children as well before it is too late.

Thank you

rayofsunshine

Reading and re-reading the sticky post "what addicts do" helped me so much when I
was trying to figure out what to do. Like you, I KNEW what to do, but doing it was harder when you're being manipulated by the addict. They will do anything to keep their enabler after all!! Reading "what addicts do" gives you the reality of the situation that you can hang onto and not buy into his lies/manipulations. YOU and your children are worth so much better treatment. Don't forget that in the midst of the chaos!! (((HUGS)))

teke

yes, i do have kids, raised 7 in the mist of addiction. they are all doing ok but i can see how living in addiction has effected them all. they are not addicts as i know of but the evidence is still there.

i also went back so many times over the last 23yrs so try not to beat yourself up. i understand you didn't know or plan on it being this way but it is. to be honest, i went back sometimes knowing that nothing had changed, so you are not alone neither are you the only one thats ever went back. it takes time, and it is not an easy thing to to.

i think maybe you could take sometime to decide what it is you really want to do and how you plan on doing it before you make decisions that you may not be able to stick with. have you set any boundaries for yourself? are you going to any meetings?

i'm sorry you are hurting and i know that when you are ready and is sure you've had enough, you do whatever it is that you know is best for you to do. it took me 21yrs to figure this out but it don't have to take you this long, the choice is yours.

cessy68

I don't mean to attack anyone. I'm simply stateing some obvious risks. In addition, I'm sure you take good care of them, I'm just pointing out that you need to take care of YOU, so that you can be healthy for them.

I understand that you 'found' yourself in a f*d up situation, all of us here did. Yet, you have the power, to now take you and your kids away from it.

It does sound like you took most of what I said well, and that's a great sign of willingness to 'see'. My hats off to you on that. Earlier in my days here, I would have jumped through the computer if someone wrote that to me. So You are doing better than I did early on.

Bless you and your kids. I think if you keep your openmindness, you will find your way.

Hugs,
Cessy

sofacat

You know I was thinking yesterday when I was finding myself having a "bad patch".

I expected him to work extremely hard at staying sober,
but how much work have I actually done to help myself?

Just a thought.

want2Bfree325

Cessy,

I know that your intentions were good and out of your own experiences. I also realize that the truth hurts and there ARE risks involved and that I am not putting myself or my children first since I have been staying so far knowing full well that he is using again.It hurts badly to be deceived, to hear the stories and to just know that you've wasted your time. I am getting closer to where I need to be, I am trying to stop the codependency traits in the context of even playing into what he is doing. I am sick of being called crazy, hearing the excuses, and just being disrespected like that. What I am having trouble with is the excessive worrying though and trying to put him out of my mind.You spend so much time worrying about someone that you DO lose yourself and it's crazy to really see that. I have been trying to work out, meditate, and do some things that I enjoy doing but it is hard to say the least. I have also realized that there is no way to 'let go' of him if I am still holding on (yeah, that is a real easy concept, I know but one I just am starting to really grasp).

cessy68

Hey cyn,

I don't see myself in he story... and I responded the way I did for a multitude of reasons... (although I admitt, I was hesitant to say anything, cause I didn't want to hurt her feelings, or whatever).

Everyone's story and 'draw the line' baramoter is different. I know one drug is the same as another, but for me.... it's different, and that's just my opinion. Drugs never enter my home. Anytime I found a pill, it was by me going into his locked truck, into his locked briefcase, to find a perscription bottle. In no-way-shape or form, would I allow this to be around/in my home. (this was back in detective mode by the way).

Another differnce (and for ME, its just huge) is needles. I know, I know, what difference is the method of ingestion? Well, just for ME, it's huge. Needles are dangerous, they can contaminate his body, and hence, could contaminate HERS. I worry when I see the storys about needles.

Another difference, I've been with abf for 4 &1/2 yrs. Pills were NOT a part of our lives for over 2 of them. It came wayyy after the start. So, I had a lot invested. As I recall, I don't think she has a lot of time invested., which makes me wonder why she wouldn't run for the hills. (I apologize if I messed her strory up with someone elses).

Finally.... As I said, I didn't want to jump on her.... ( think I said that a bunch of times now), but sometimes, people jumping on me made me think. Yes I got/get upset --- and YES I know, that usually... (and I stress usually) if I'm getting upset, it's because there is some truth to the statment that stung me. (on occassion, it's been because someone is truely way way off-base).

I guess I'm getting pissed at addiction, and wonder at times what does a person need to see, to make them make a move out of a relationship. I know where my gauge is... does she? Do others here? As I said, for ME... here are the things.... (jail, stealing, not paying bills, not holding a job, bringing drugs into a home, abusiveness, and needles).

Again, don't mean to beat a dead horse, but sometimes I wonder why when it gets to THESE above listed things... the lightbulb dosen't go off.

Sorry if I hurt her feelings. As I said on my second response, that I think her openmindedness, (unlike mine early on) is a really great sign.

And sorry for the hijack also.

Love,
Cess

cassandra2

I just would like to take the time to say that codependency is an illness. We become sick in our thinking. We say and do things, while at the time make sense, that causes us to become sicker in our thinking and our actions.

So often we lose sight of why we are all here. We are just as sick as our addicts until we are ready to start making changes FOR US. And until that happens we stay in situations that are unhealthy for us BECAUSE we are codependent. We stay in situations that healthy people would leave ASAP.

Its easy to say if this happened that would be my breaking point and I would be gone. And maybe just maybe if your a healthy enough when your breaking point comes you will leave the situation. But until you work on yourself, until your truly start to look at yourself, your behaviors, YOUR OWN LIFE you become sicker and sicker and probably will NOT be able to leave when your predetermined breaking point happens.

This is the nature of codependency. Nothing changes until YOU change.

Just as an addict will continue to do things YOU thought they would NEVER do until they seek recovery from their DOC, a codependent will stay in an unhealthy relationship until they seek recovery.

itisatruth

Yep - nothing changes if nothing changes; I have found this an essential life lesson as well as one in dealing with addiction. Thank you Cassandra, and I'd like to add it's also important to not forget where we've come from. No one is perfect and even when we have broken free of or gotten away from addiction, even when we *think* we know the answers, we can all continue to learn and grow.

want2Bfree ~ I'm glad you found SR and hope you continue to move forward in your life....turn your focus onto yourself and continue to take steps - big, medium, and/or small - and remember where it is you want to go. You can do this.

hope213

if your heart says he is using he probley is. take baby steps if u need to just keep taking the steps. u sound as if u are doing good & going in the right direction. keep coming back. prayers,

want2Bfree325

I just checked this forum after kind of staying away for several days and I just wanted to say thank you for all of the responses and also for the tremendous amount of support and understanding that I have received. I just want to say to cessy that my ABF has never brought a needle or anything of that matter into my home. I had found things in his car several years ago but that was about as far as it has gone. The risks involved with him using needles is something that your posts has really made me consider though in the context that even though he swears that he has always used 'clean' needles since they are easy to come by to purchase, you still never know. I should also add though that even if one is not using a needle but is using drugs, the likelihood that they may be involved in other risky behavior goes up. In addition, I wanted to thank Cynical One for posting about the Karpman Drama Triangle and I saw and read it the day that it was posted. I had just read about it in 'Codependent No More' and like I said all of what I have been reading about regarding Codependency is truly eye-opening to say the least. I was married at 18 and then divorced at 23 to a man who was emotionally abusive and to which, cheated on me constantly. I stayed with him for a long time until one day I found out AGAIN that he was cheating on me. I never realized then that I had codependency issues with that relationship and until now could not understand my own behavior as well as emotions. To find myself in another situation which is unhealthy for me is not surprising and it is hard. I am still trying to understand things and gain perspective and have been trying harder to focus on me and my needs. Again, it's not easy but I am working on myself the best that I can in this moment. Although the length of my relationship with my ABF is not as long as others, the investment is still there. We jumped into things very quickly and were living together as soon as 3 months. That is another thing that I have realized about myself is that I jump into relationship too quickly. Several months after my ex-husband and I parted ways I had gotten into a serious relationship with someone who had bipolar which, he was not seeking therapy for. I see how this was even another instance of me becoming involved with someone who I wanted to 'fix'. However, he became so needy and made me feel more like a therapist than his girlfriend that I ended up leaving the relationship after a few months. It just baffles me how the people I have dated have been either people I wanted to fix or ones who would were emotionally unavailable ( I guess they all were the more I think about it). I have only learned about codependency in the last month or so and I am learning so much about myself which has definitely gotta be the start of recovery right? I am planning on starting therapy at the beginning of next month when my insurance kicks in. I have also looked into alanon and naranon meetings but they are all VERY far away from me. I don't have my own car so it makes it kind of hard for me to go at the moment but I will try to get to them soon. I am very grateful to have found this group because it definitely helps me a lot. I would like to say though that although comments that may strike a cord may be helpful (and yes, they definitely were), they also kind of alienated me a bit and did make me feel like the odd man out. I just thought I would share that since I don't want to feel that way but I also don't want anyone to sugarcoat things for me either (if that makes sense)...

cassandra2

It takes alot guts to be honest with yourself and admit that something is wrong that you keep repeating the same mistakes. That is PROGRESS my friend. Good for you!!!