FindingPeace1

17 Red Flags In a Relationship
Before you get into a serious relationship with your boy friend or marry your boyfriend, ask your self…have I seen any of these red flags? If so, you may want to run baby run…

1. If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.

2. If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one person’s fault.
He had nothing to say *at all* about *any* ex.

3. If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My Stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.

4. Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.
I hate to admit it, but I *still* don't know what his credit is or how much he truly owes.

5. If he is over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you, and don’t marry him until he is financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he’ll insist on it.

6. Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.
Don't even get me started. I am working on this one!!

7. This a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true they all decided to side with his ex.
Not.one.friend. Not one.

8. If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.

9. If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, RUN!

10. If he is one personality at work or with others and another person alone with you, run!
I thought when he *finally* shared himself with me that I was lucky to "get in".

11. If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don’t take his word for it (I will add this includes his siblings as well, and also if he says a lot of bad things about them it is not a good sign).
He's estranged from dad.

12. If he’s an expert on everything and brags a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, eventually maybe even you.

13. If he has sexual problems, go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.

14. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.

15. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be “your fault� forever. And, after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.
Yep.

16. If he does something wrong and he says, “That would not have happened if you hadn’t (fill in the blank),� that another sign of an abuser.

17. If he is mean to children, pets or animals , recognize that he’s pathological , and the next victim could be you.
No. He is wonderful with kids and animals.

Still...why don't we learn any of this as a teen??

BuffaloGal

Well, my former husband is currently a hit on all but four or five of these.

Yep, this should be required material in high school...

Startingover2

Yep...All but maybe 2 or 3 of them. Scary.

itisatruth

Definitely a good list for any relationship, not just with alcoholics/addicts. Thinking back to when I first met my rAH, the only thing that would have stood out was the credit/job history, both of which he was honest about: he had lost his job due to addiction then filed bankruptcy to crawl out of the hole he had dug himself. He had been clean around 5 years when I met him.

Still, it was a sign.

IMO #6 is the most important (at least for me) because looking at someone AS IS, especially when in the beginning of a relationship, when things are good or exciting or romantic, is the hard part; to not see things through those rose colored glasses and really see the person....then think if it's a good fit for ourselves.....getting into a relationship thinking he/she will change or that you can ignore things is a recipe for disaster.

FindingPeace1

said another way -
Your serenity will come
not when your external life changes
but when you internally accept life.

NYC_Chick

My xabf had all of these. The current has none, but I still worry that the other shoe is going to drop. LOL! Thanks for the repost!

myawakening

My AH has 9 out of above 17 points.

This course should be a requirement for graduation!

miyah

Wow EXABF all but 3 of the above.
I am keeping this list !!

basIam

just wondering. . .

what does it mean if more than one of your relationships have had hits from this list?

miyah

Honey I am not sure what it means- but I also have had more than one relationship with some of these warning signs.
However none as bad as the last one.

pray4joy

This needs to be required reading for young ladies. [well maybe guys too] I know I'm older and I hate to admit it but I wish I'd had this list [and obeyed it] much earlier in my life...I might have saved myself tremendous misery. Thanks so much for RE POSTING THIS IMPORTANT piece...
I learn something new here every day...I am so grateful all of you are here. This one is definitely a KEEPER

trapeze

None of this fits my AH. There are alcoholics who do not appear to have a problem and who do very well in life until they hit the wall. My husband was a successful executive in one company for more than two decades, well-respected, never missed work. Hid his drinking. Loves kids and dogs, and they love him. My family and friends think he hung the moon. He has never said an abusive word to me. Then the alcohol caught up with him and he quit functioning. Weird.

Good list just for general purposes, though.

nodaybut2day

heh...what does it mean if ALL your previous relationships have hits from this list?

Therapy here I come!

FindingPeace1

I would highly recommend working the steps! It will make a tremendous difference!

Still Waters

That list works if you replace he with she too, just sayin'

GrowingPains

My x was none of these. The problems crept in later as he progressed from drinking normally to heavily to alcoholically. Although he's no longer financially solvent, the rest of the list still doesn't apply to him.

I don't think its always possible to know who will eventually become an alcoholic.