myawakening

I am hurting and don't know what to do.

I have been separated for 3 months now. What I expected to happen once I left was that my husband of almost 32 years would 'wake up' and go seek help. He never listened to me when I asked him to stop before I left...which was over and over. His treatment of me during this time was horrible. I hoped I would shock him into seeking help.

The joke was on me. Instead of him 'waking up" what I got was a VERY VERY angry person telling me that I left him...I walked out on him. He has been extremely busy getting on with his life. He has left town twice for a week at a time...during Thanksgiving week and the week between Christmas and New Year.

Yet I am hurt by this and I can't figure out why? I am peaceful without the daily drama. I am quiet without his constant picking. I was very hurt when he left town on Thanksgiving because I believe he cheated on me during this time. Do I know for certain...no, I don't.

What I do know is that he was searching online for his ex college girlfriend several months before I left him. We argued about it because he cheated on me once during our marriage (different person) and I took him back. I was furious that he would even look for this person in light of the fact that I took him back after the affair...regardless of how much it took from me to do so.

What I also know is that he wouldn't want his adult children to believe he had cheated on their mom so early in the separation. They...like myself...had hoped he would get the help he needed so we could work on putting the marriage back together. He has not done a single thing to help them believe his trip out of town was innocent. He is letting them continue to believe he cheated...he has no alibi for where he was. We caught him in several lies regarding that week in November. I know him...if it were innocent he would tell them. He used to love his children...but letting them believe the worst about him is very new.

Here is one other piece to the madness that is my life...the night before he disappeared for 5 days he came to my place. Crying about wanting to change and asking what I needed him to do. I told him he KNEW EXACTLY what I needed from him. I've told him many many MANY times. Then he disappeared off the face of the earth. He didn't take calls from his children on Thanksgiving day...lied about where he was...and a few other points that he doesn't know we know about. He has changed the story of where he was so many times.

Now a sane person would ask...why do you want him back? Why would you want him back knowing the reasons you left him are still there and have never been corrected? Plus, now you have this new baggage of him lying about where he was in November.

I am so hurt that he has moved on with his life so quickly. Here I am still hoping that he will change and he has written off 31 years of marriage! My head is spinning at how quickly I have been replaced.

Was I that bad to live with? No, I don't think so and neither do people that know us and have seen what my life with him was like. I was that wife that put up with so much crap to keep the marriage together. I've spent 31 years trying to make him happy and the one time I assert myself...he writes me off and happily gets on with his life.

I am furious with myself for even caring...but my heart is so hurt that he could move on so quickly.

Why do I do this to myself? Part of me feels so angry that I chose to stay in my marriage even after the first affair. I wasn't that woman that took her husband back after an affair...and yet I did. I moved my standards to accomodate him time after time. Yet I leave him and he is furious at me for 'walking out on him' and he immediatly writes me off.

Part of me feels so wounded and abandoned...like a lost child. A child not good enough for someone to fight for. My God...how desperate that sounds...even to me!!! Yes, I guess abandonment issues. Another book I suppose that I will have to read.

I hate myself for being exactly where I am right now...feeling this way!!!

Why do I do it? Has anyone else been where I am right now? What did you do to get past this?

Stereosteveo

It sounds like you have been miserable for a long time, and continuing "as-was" is not an option right now. Now you have the opportunity to get to know you without him. Who are you really? Do you know? Probably not. It takes time and work. You probably have as much work to do as he does. (Al-Anon?)

I guess what I'm trying to say is you might think about it like this:
"I will give myself a year (or 2) to see if I REALLY am happier wihout him." (It will take at least this long to truly find out.) Right now you really don't know the answer, so don't harp on him, your just wasting YOUR time.
Nothing is forever. If you find after 2 years you cannot live without him go get him back.

I know one thing. if you guys want to have any chance of ever having a healthy relationship:
1. You have to be happy within and at peace with or without him.
2. He has to be happy within and at peace with or without you.
That's the only time we become givers and not takers. Truly respecting each other, no demands. i.e. We make better partners when we don't really "need" anything from the other person. We are happy alone with what we have already. We are there to give only.

Well I know all of that may too sound simple and easy, and I'm no relationship expert. But I've been right where you are. (10 years not 32). I thought I was going to die. Then after some recovery I realized how selfish and insecure I had been. Now I'm happier than ever and so is she. We were both nutz, bottom line...

If you love something set it free. If it's meant to be God will bring it back to you.

In the meantime be free, 24-hrs. at a time, 1 year at a time....There's a whole world out there waiting on you. What if he comes back and things return to the way they were before you get to do all the things you really want to do? Oh no...lol

Just some thoughts.

Ives

You stopped enabling him - you became his enemy.

No, you weren't that bad to live with - for a spouse who may have been reasonable, but he isn't. But he isn't reasonable, and sounds like he's real far into the progression of addiction. He sounds like a pretty angry person who......turns everything around on you.

After a 30+ year marriage that has ended, no wonder you are hurting.

Stereosteveo

I wouldn't be sober today without my AA Fellowship. A group of people that have taught me how to live without alcohol.

There's a group of people that can teach you how to live without your addiction too. Which is "him". Al-Anon's are addcited to alcoholics.

I don't know if you go or not, but if you want to greatly improve your quality of life (whether or not he comes back), please seek out this group.

They are great people just axactly like you. You NEVER have to be alone again. Only if you choose to.

So you asked "I am hurting and don't know what to do.". Let your feet do the doing and get to a meeting. Tell them where you are in life. Not so long from now you will be saying "Wow! I can't believe I have missed out on this for so long." The rooms are where we learn the things they never taught us in kindergarden..

Live

I do understand. It feels like all that the marriage you fought for, the man you made your husband and loved....what meant so much to you...it is inconcievable that it is so insignificant to him and that you, the wife, are as replacable as yesterday's newspaper.
It isn't true. He is acting out...avoiding the pain, running away and getting a quick fix.
It isn't that easy to get rid of them.
Please take care of yourself during this difficult time and do remember how he handles things....poorly, as just demonstrated.

myawakening

"You stopped enabling him - you became his enemy."

"He sounds like a pretty angry person who......turns everything around on you."

Ives...this spoke to me. The way he has treated me IS as if I am the enemy!!! It shocked me how angry he got at me after I left. He is a VERY ANGRY person right now and it is all directed at me. Like I was in front of the fan when it hit!!! I put up with the BS...and he has the nerve to be real angry at me?? I just wanted my life back...and I wanted him in it...SOBER!

"]"I do understand. It feels like all that the marriage you fought for, the man you made your husband and loved....what meant so much to you...it is inconcievable that it is so insignificant to him and that you, the wife, are as replacable as yesterday's newspaper.It isn't true. He is acting out...avoiding the pain, running away and getting a quick fix.
It isn't that easy to get rid of them.
Please take care of yourself during this difficult time and do remember how he handles things....poorly, as just demonstrated." [/COLOR]

Liveweyerd-that's it exactly! Thrown away like yesterdays newspaper!! That hurts very much. It ripped my heart out to leave him...because I still believed in him...in us...in the marriage. I worried about him and I am not even an after thought?? Because I asked him to man up and get himself together? What a slap in the face...again!

I don't know who I'm more angry at...him or myself. I sound so pathetic...which also pisses me off. I was never like this when he married me...I used to have a backbone!

FindingPeace1

love yourself.
The meditation style I am doing talks about being "gentle." How infrequently we talk about gentleness in America. Strength, courage, power - sure, but gentleness? But don't we need some gentleness right now? Be gentle with yourself. Envelop yourself in loving-kindness. You are okay. You are growing.

Peace

Wife

Ives

Mya - I stopped enabling mine, and the instant I did that - she tossed me out with yesterdays bath water.

And now? Well, you guessed it. I am still and always was the only problem in the relationship. She hasn't drank now, she claims, since Dec 7th. So now, all of a sudden, I am in the wrong.

My concerns were not valid. She isn't a drinker. She's in recovery from cocaine abuse she says. But how could she have been while she was going out and getting drunk the past year.

They'll drive you insane if you let them.

FreeBird09

Your post breaks my heart. So much time invested. My Mom, she has been with her alcoholic husband for a little of 35 years. I can see her pain, I hear her pain. I hear your pain in what you write. I am so sorry. Around Christmas my Mom said she was going to move out and take a stand. I fear that the same thing that is happening to you, will happen to her. He is so rude to her, and always has been. Christmas Eve, with all the family around, we had to wait for him because he was drunk and we couldn't operate without him. BULL!. I marched out to where he was drinking with his friends and said, get up, Mom said it is time to do this Christmas thing, lets go. His friends looked at me and said, yes Boss. I put my hands on my hips, said you bet your ass I am so you better get going home, my step father laughed and told them to get going. I hate seeing the pain on my Mom's face. I know maybe it wasn't my place to be 'boss' but I couldn't take the pain on my little niece and nephews faces, or my Mom's as the same scenario played out, yet another year. We did Christmas but it shouldn't have to be this way. Small children are watching, and being molded by this.

I am very, very sorry. I wish.. out of all the people on this board (and I love them all), that I could reach through this board and give you a hug. You have been through the ringer and back again, and it seems like this is the icing on the cake. You deserve better. It is hard, but you CAN do this. This is it, one life, your other half of life to live the way YOU want, and do what YOU want, without having to pick up after the drunk, or worry about him, or cover for him, or worry that he isn't breathing at night.. or.. I am sure you can find a million things, an million reasons why you deserve a peaceful life.

God Bless you.

Still Waters

More will be revealed Myawakening, give it some time. And what stereosteveo suggests is right on, concentrate on YOU right now.

naive

yes, give it some time. 31 years is a long time.

what are your plans now? might be good to make some plans.

what is it you want to do? get fit? learn how to cook indian food? perhaps you like dancing?

and certainly, consider going to alanon where you will find people like you who understand.

naive

myawakening

FB09-Your post broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes. You are hurting just as much as your Mom is. If your post didn't drive home the point of how the behaviors of alcoholics affect everyone in the family...I don't know what would!! You are doing a wonderful thing looking out for your Mom...but who is looking out for you? I'm worried about you and how you are dealing with this. I know what your feeling...I've heard the same thing from my own children...for years.

Mom will make her way out of her situation...when she is ready. When I beat myself up about staying for such a long time in what clearly wasn't a good relationship, my therapist tells me that "I made a choice to stay until I knew it was time to go". Strangly those words comfort me. Mom doesn't like her life the way it is right now and longs for something more...but she isn't ready yet. We all get there eventually...and in our own time. Mom will too!

In the meanwhile...I would like to suggest Al Anon for both you and Mom. The people there know what Mom and you are going through and it's a place for both of you to start from. I didn't know about Al Anon before leaving my husband. I don't know if it would have made a difference one way or the other, but between Al Anon and this forum I have learned a great deal. You can search online for local meetings in your hometown or through the phone book.

I am still torn about my decision to leave, but when I read a post like yours...and remember many holidays like the one you describe above...I thank God that I am not in that emotional lock down anymore. I have a choices...that is something I've never had before.

Please know that I did feel your hugs through this post and I thank you for that. Also know that I am sending them back to you...((((hugs))))!!

Seek out the help of Al Anon or Al Ateen (depending on how old you are). They understand the cycle we (you/me/mom) go through and can help us. I don't have all the answers...or even some of the answers at this point...but they do offer support. This forum is also a lifesaver for people like us.

Please come back and post often. Let us know how you and Mom are doing. The prayers of this forum are with you and Mom!

Good luck!

Cowgirl1265

Myawakening, it is heartbreaking when the relationship that has been so central in our lives ends or deteriorates, it is even harder when the person we thought we were so close with turns and becomes angry with us for taking care of ourselves.

I am going to try and say this as gently as possible. What I read in your post was "My leaving was my last ditch effort to make him change and I am disappointed that he has not seen this as a wake up call."

Your leaving him, your moving on -- these are about YOU and what you need out of life. He is making his own choices and it will help you to have fewer expectations for his behavior. It is a difficult thing to entangle ourselves from the sticky web of codependency, but the steps to doing that all involve beginning to focus on ourselves and our feelings and not what the other person is doing. It can be good to objectively look at the person to understand what things they do that trigger us. But harmful, I think, to drown in the worry of "why isn't he getting better? He's still not doing what I want!"

His getting better will have to be about him and his needs, just as yours needs to be about you. His alcoholism is not your problem. Your codependency is your problem, and when you start to focus on this and helping yourself be healthy, you will eventually learn to let him go. If he gets well, that is wonderful and it is HIS choice. If he does not, that is sad, but also HIS choice. The person you need to be loving and caring for right now is YOU. You deserve a life that is full of peace and love and free of the insanity of addiction.

ANEWAUGUST

You left him to force a change in him, his behavior, his addiction.

We cannot change anyone, except ourselves. Your expectations weren't fufilled. Once again we are reminded of how powerless we are over people, places and things. That doesn't change.

Did you leave for yourself, your sanity, your serenity and peace of mind?

It is a new year...what do you want for you...and you alone. Leave him out of the equation. The "him" you want is a fantasy, a dream, one that requires him to acknowlege that he wants to change and will.

Whatever his adult children think of him., is what they think of him. If they want answers, they can ask him. All of that still has nothing to do with you...and what you want.

Please focus on you, and the love, peace and serenity that you deserve in this life.

Peace

TakingCharge999

Yet I am hurt by this and I can't figure out why?

Because you thought your actions could control someone else and now you realize it doesn't work that way. That you can't control him or cure him....

myawakening, don't hurt yourself thinking he moved on already. There is no moving on. There is just alcoholism and its progression.

These two links helped me and continue to help me:

Dependency - Relationship

Healing the alcoholic or drug addict is a very difficult task, as it cannot come from the outside coming in as it is a selfish act and anything coming in would only serve their self-interest within the Law of Self. We must, first and foremost, understand that it is a complete selfish act on the part of the dependent person. To convince the dependent person that this is so, will only create denial within the self and will make them run from their responsibilities and to indulge in their addiction in the dulling of the senses. This is their escape.

The next thing to consider is that as long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take.

It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.


Addiction, Lies and Relationships

The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact.


Have you read The Grief Club by Melody Beatty? it is about coping with all kinds of change and loss. Are you seeing a therapist?

myawakening

THANK YOU-THANK YOU...to all of you that took time to post. You are right. In looking back that is exact what I was doing. Forcing him to get off his a-- and get his act together.

This relationship doesn't work for me on so many levels. Thank you guys for helping see what I know in my heart. I viewed my life through rose colored glasses. I took those glasses off just before I moved out and I didn't like what I saw.

It really is time to move on. I need to take care of me and he needs to do whatever it is that he wants to do...without me. I got sucked down before and I can't go down that road again.

My new home is quiet and peaceful...and all mine. Thank God I got the courage to take the first step.

I am actively in Al Anon...just not sure I 'get it' yet. The group I belong to doesn't make you do the actual 12 work. They just talk and there is not much concentration on the 12 steps. Is there a workbook for Al Anon and the steps that I can do myself?

My thanks to all of you that posted. You are a lifeline. You keep me focused on my goal...a better healthier me.

Buffalo66

My A actually openly calls me his mortal enemy. I waited for him, endured abuse and lies, cheating and financial neglect of our child. When he finally kind of got it together, he turned EVERYTHING around on me. My head is spinning. It is like a bad movie.

Over the years, though when he would leave or I would toss him out (again)..He always seemed like he was off doing just great. He wasn't. This is a lie. It's a lie he tells himself. He is filling up all the holes that being close to someone who looks deeply into him makes so obvious. He is scrambling.

I feel for you, and I am right there with you, on the mat, wrestling with that child that feels abandoned.

myawakening

Buff...they make you nuts. It's like a head game to them. He turned it all around on you? See...there it is again. They DO NOT want to accept responsibility for their insane behavior. That would the same crap my AH would throw at me. My fault? Your fault??? The thing we are guilty of is loving them way more than they deserve.

I'm starting to feel good about living away from him Yes, there are times that I miss him/my marriage. When I see little old people holding hands together...I get so weepy. I so wanted that...but the reality is...I was NEVER going to get that no matter how hard I tried.

Take care of yourself Buff. No one will do it for you. Be a little selfish...hold a little back.

Hang tough girl...let's get the wounded child off the mat and out into the sunshine and fresh air!!! :-)

Ives

Everyone needs to read this.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

My girlfriend is going through the same thing and her husband if blaming her for everything. Do not kid yourself that he has moved on. He is trying to fill the empty void and jumping to someone else is not going to do it. I personally have not dealt with the cheating although I consider Ms. Bud Light a mistress.

Just remember what she is getting and remember a selfish A will continue to be selfish and alcohol will always be number 1 in his life until he seeks treatment. Do not take this personally and remember you deserve better!!