WhiteyFord

I'll try to keep this short and sweet.

Met him in non drinking venue three years ago. We are not married and neither of us has kids. Quick romance lead to two week trial period of him living with me in the house I own. Things were good, so he stayed. Sure, he drank a lot...

Discovered his morning sneaky drinking. Didn't care that much, "Hey, do I give a crap if he's half in the bag if he's making me a pot a coffee and mopping my kitchen floor?"

Learned about his prior DWIs. Was getting ready to cut him loose when my wonderful father was diagnosed with what would be his final illness. (Not drinking related) ABF was supportive and compassionate through this ordeal to me and my family. He took over the yardwork my dad could no longer do.

He got arrested for open container. (small potatoes, really) My dad died.

Fast forward to May of 2009. My mom started paying him for the yardwork. He threw up blood and was hospitalized in ICU for 4 days. Diagnosis: Advanced liver damage due to drinking.

I said clearly and repeatedly, "I do not want to wake up with a corpse. You heard what the doctors said. Stop drinking or I don't want to be your GF." I made a new house rule---no drinking in the house. I stopped drinking altogether.

He went to AA meetings, got a sponsor and a home group, but was never sober for more than a day or two.

In October I said clearly and repeatedly, "Dude, your plan to stop drinking isn't working; you gotta come up with a new plan or prepare to find a new place to live."

He continued the AA meetings and the sneaky drinking. "Why is the dryer in the basement making that sound? Oh, there's an empty tall boy in there."

Christmas was a nightmare---my brother saw him disappear behind a bookcase and empty a giant glass of red wine into his gullet. I think he stole a bottle of booze from his house too.

I reiterated my request that he prepare himself to move out. He says, "I'm not going anywhere." Um, it's my house. He tried to make the case that it wasn't my house. Pathetic.

He renewed his efforts to go to AA more frequently. Went to a meeting on New Year's Eve day and had a seizure. In the hospital for two days. Returned yesterday morning and was drunk by 1pm.

Very angry that it appears that I will have to move out of my own house to extricate myself from him. I have a place to stay and I will be calling my lawyer to begin formal eviction procedure tomorrow. I fear violence from him if I start eviction and still live with him.

Been telling him that if he goes into a rehab we might have a chance, but that's not true. It would just buy me 30 days. But he's not going for it.

He'll figure out where I'm staying in two seconds and no doubt show up and cause a scene. Trying to line up people to stay with me. Place I will be staying is very remote which is good and bad.

I know that there is a lot of experience and knowledge here, so I am hoping to tap into it during what is bound to be a rocky time. Thanks for reading.

Stereosteveo

Wow! You sound strong. This will make you stronger:

Al-Anon.

Live

It's your house....you can simply call the police and say that you want him out, he won't go and they will see to it that he leaves.

WhiteyFord

No, if were as easy as calling the cops and having them remove him, I would have done it long ago. He has established residency, so I have to go through a formal, legal eviction proceeding with 30 days notice as if he were my tenant.

FreeBird09

Right, whiteyford, you can't just have him removed in NY. THAT SUCKS! See if you can get a local agency to give you help with a 3 day notice of eviction. You don't have to do a 30 day only in NY. Check it out online if you have any questions, or contact your local Attorney Generals office for some legal advice. I had to do the same thing with my son, what a crying shame.

GiveLove

I'd check on the 3-day option, especially if there is any evidence of abuse or threats of any kind. But either way, whichever rules apply, and if you want to keep your home, I'd initiate the paperwork as soon as possible. Get a (usually-free) consultation with an attorney as soon as possible too, and find out what your rights are, and whether it would be damaging to move out of the home.

My XA pulled the common-law thing here, but an attorney quickly saw through it and squashed it. I had no intention of giving him something that I has busted my butt to have, no matter how guilty I felt at the time.

I'm sorry this is so hard...but you are saving your own life.

Please keep posting...this is a very supportive community willing to be with you every step of the way.

WhiteyFord

Thanks all. Yes, I will see about the three day notice. I am going to spend the money to have my attorney handle it. He's a good egg, doesn't charge too much and has helped me with some other (non criminal) matters.

I'd really have to stretch things to say he was abusive or violent. The cops came once this summer because neighbors called when a female friend and he got into a yelling match, but we just left for a few hours and nobody was arrested.

I think anybody deserves 30 days notice to move out of a place.

My tentative plan is to pack up stuff like computer, camera, when he's not here, split to my remote location, have somebody deliver a note/document that he has to leave in 30 days. If I have to do the 3 day notice on the 27th day, so be it. It may work that the three day notice orders the tenant [to pay within 3 days or leave in 30 days.] Tricky, because he's never paid rent here. I'll listen to my lawyer and if he doesn't seem now what he's talking about, I'll as him for a referral for an attorney who deals with this kind of stuff.

In any case, I don't want to be around when he gets any notices saying he has to move out first because he'll freak out and then he'll go on a campaign of trying to get me to change my mind. Can't be bothered; heard it all before. Too bad he hasn't been hearing me saying since May that the "drinking yourself to death in my house" thing is short-lived, one way or another.

He also has an uninsured, unregistered car in the driveway to deal with. Probably will have to sell it. Or I suppose I could get it towed to wherever he wants it after he's out.

It's possible that he could do some damage to my house, but I'll take pix before I leave and have the neighbors and downstairs tenants look out for me. Call the cops and have him arrested for vandalism or something.

And he'll probably try to move into the detatched garage; it has a woodburning stove in it.

He's really in a downward spiral healthwise. Last night he went over to a friend's house, called me from there to say he was going to be there for a while (fine with me) but he was incoherent---told me the wrong name for the friend and couldn't remember what the street name was. He came rolling in at 5:30am and slept most of the day. He told me he was going to an AA meeting and off he went into the blizzard and 10 degree weather about an hour and a half ago. Because of the liver damage, all of the IVs and blood draw places on his arms he got in the hospital are big bruises.

nodaybut2day

Hi whiteyford...just wanted to chime in about your situation. Dunno if you're new to SR, but if you are, WELCOME

It seems like you've got a well thought-out plan put together. I hope you come back here and keep us posted on your progress.

Just a thought with regards to the notice of eviction: do you need to have a bailiff serve it? Even if it isn't required, maybe it would be a good idea, so the bailliff can legally attest to the fact that the notice was in fact served.

Good luck. Please keep coming back!

barb dwyer

I would also pack up anything hock-able.
maybe even break-able stuff too.

If he gets desperate for drinking money,
or moving money

he will steal from you.

WhiteyFord

Left a message with my lawyer. May try to figure out if I can talk to a court clerk.

About him selling my stuff when I leave. Ha! Made me laugh. I am an antique dealer---if he went around trying to sell my stuff, all of the local antique dealers know me and him, and besides, good luck in trying to sell say, a desk lamp made out of matchsticks or a bird house made from license plates. Psst...I got a hand carved wooden burl bowl for cheap. Can I interest you in an incomplete set of Harkerware dishes? A needlepoint pillow?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Glad to see you have your humor intact! Make yourself at home.

WhiteyFord

Lawyer called back. A three day notice to pay or quit is a waste of time since he isn't paying anyway. So the lawyer is going to draw up a 30 day notice. Said we have to treat him as a squatter. He advised me to take pictures of the place before I leave. He will arrange for the notice to be served to him once I am safely ensconced in my "remote undisclosed location." If he shows up at RUL, I can call cops--trespassing.

Warned that it may take more than 30 days since notice has to be dated for the 15th which would be Feb. 15th. Also warned that it may take longer which is okay with me because I can stay at RUL through the end of March.

Lawyer is cool with making sure I can talk freely when ABF is not here and will ask me first thing if it's a good time to talk.

I'm very pleased that I can use a lawyer to make things run more smoothly. I won't have to struggle to get my hands on the correct forms or struggle to fill them out correctly. He'll take care of having the notice served. And this lawyer knows me enough to know that I am calm and rational and easy to work with.

WhiteyFord

The legal papers are drawn up and ready to be served on Jan 15th next Friday. That means he has to be out by Feb 15th.

I have not told him that he's going to be served w/an eviction notice and have not told him that I set a date. I have been saying clearly that my patience has run out, that he should be thinking about finding another place to live.

He has sensed that I am serious, because after Saturday, when he got out of the hospital and then got drunk, he has been Mr. Recovery. For six days.

Has been going to at least one AA meeting per day, is looking online for resources, called to see about an one on one addiction counselor, went to follow-up Drs. appt., filled out and mailed some papers that ensure his continued medical care, took care of x-mas tree and lights, shoveled sidewalk.

Most surprisingly, he mentioned to me that some of the guys at AA think he should go to an inpatient place. I was pretty neutral and said it might be a good idea to get at least a few weeks of total sobriety under his belt.

He needed some stamps, and blew through 350.00 he got in early December another 200.00 he got as a gift before x-mas and 250.00 he got on x-mas day, so as I drove him to the post office and purchased the stamps, I mentioned this.

He asked what I was going to give him as a birthday gift and I told him I had already given it to him---3 years of rent-free living.

It's not going to shock him when he gets the eviction notice. But he will be angry at me.

I have plans in the works to be out of here on Friday during the day, to meet an old friend and then be at the remote location by Friday evening. Skiing on Saturday.

Of course, he'll call me right away. I am working on getting very clear about my responses. I guess my main point will be that he has until February 15, so I have given him plenty of time to work on his sobriety, get his car on the road and arrange for a new place to stay. Sober or not, he has to be out of my house by the 15th.

naive

hi whitey-

great plan.

even tho he is mr. recovery right now, i'm glad you are not going to have a front ring seat for his future recovery and/or relapses.

just a couple of thoughts regarding your plan:

1. remove your critical documents (passport, birth cert., bank data, etc.) from the house and store them at a friend's while you are away. there is some chance that he will feel to get revenge while you are gone. remove the things which can't be replaced easily.

2. consider blocking his phone calls/texts while you are in your remote getaway, at least initially. perhaps after he has some time to consider things, he will calm down and be reasonable but in the beginning, it will probably be a lot of rubbish you don't need to hear. plus, then you can enjoy your holiday!

3. you could use a pay as you go new mobile while away, or request a new number.

anyway, good luck and i'd be interested to know how things go for you.

naive

WhiteyFord

Sure, I'll take my ID and debit card and checkbook with me and I don't even have a mobile phone or texting device.

I'm going to tell him I'm running a bunch of errands, then I'll go to the remote location. Then he'll get served with the notice here. There is a landline at the remote location, but I don't have to answer it and he can feel free to leave long begging, pleading, drunk messages on the machine; I'll play them back for my friends and family. Hah! Or he can write long maudlin emails that I will read or not read at my leisure.

As far as him showing up, well, it is a remote location---if he doesn't have 4 wheel drive, he won't even be able to get to the house without a 1/2 mile hike. Plus, I won't even be there most of the time; I'll be skiing. Plus the house has a pretty high tech alarm system---he doesn't have the override code, so if he were to break in, the local sheriff would be notified and they'd send someone to investigate.

I figure he'll call me at the remote location on Friday night, and I will tell him that we can talk later and that he should be thinking about where he is going to live and that I am willing to help him in certain ways which we will talk about later. I will warn him not to show up and that the alarm is activated. I need some time on my own.

It's the best thing for him to move out; he said he was going to get sober in May and it hasn't worked with him living with me. And it's certainly the best thing for me.

naive

hi whiteyford-

it is so easy to get sucked back into the drama. is there any way you can change the landline phone number? here in the uk, that's free and immediate. or, can you block his number? here there is a small fee ($5) to block an unwanted number.

i also had my phone number withheld, so it doesn't appear to the receiver when i place a call.

as for the email, well, you can block that too.

that way, any communication is on your terms.

when i fled, my xABF called me twice a day, promising the world, lying he was sober, manipulating my feelings. i could have done without it and in hindsight, i should have taken the above steps and given myself some time to process my own feelings without him pulling at me.

also, i wouldn't offer help or assistance in his moving. he's a grown man! he should be able to get his gear out of there on his own power. why should you pay for it or organize it?

mamaplus2kids

This battle brings back memories. My exAH said the same thing to me about moving out. I felt quite scared and angry as a consequence. I finally got him to leave the house to check into rehab; then didn't let him come back threatening to call the police if he did.

I am sorry you have go through this. I didn't know about this formal eviction process. I might have saved some money going that route. I just didn't want the kids to see any violence. I justified sending him to rehab by calling it a gift to my children...

isurvived

Wow, I guess this is a good example of why it's not wise to have a resident ABF. What an ordeal in trying to get him out! I figured it was only difficult for married persons.

Your safety is #1 importance, and I'm liking reading that you have a plan in place to extract yourself from this toxic person. Best of luck to you.

WhiteyFord

The plot thickens.

He has taken his AA people's advice and says he is going to a rehab. They are scheduled to pick him up on Tuesday the 19th. Not sure how long he'll be there. He says anywhere from 2 weeks to 28 days, possibly longer.

He doesn't know that I have an eviction notice in the works. I have just been saying that he has to make plans to move out. I guess he realized I am serious, hence the rehab gambit.

My dilemma---if I serve him an eviction notice as planned, he'll still have to be out by the 15th of Feb. If he goes to rehab that doesn't give him much time to organize his life to move out. Also, he might bag the rehab altogether if he gets the eviction notice on Friday the 15th of Jan.

My tendency is to stick to my plan---have the notice served this Friday saying he has to be out by Feb 15th.

I could delay the notice til he is in rehab, however, my lawyer says we'd need a court order to serve him at the rehab. (Expense, hassle)

I'm thrilled that he may be out of here on Tuesday---earlier than I thought!---and the rehab can't hurt. When I asked him why he wanted to go he said so that he can learn more tools for staying sober. Good idea!

Yet, even if he is sober, I still don't want him. Too much water under the bridge.

And the ski weeeknd is still on---an old (non-drinking) boyfriend who I have not seen for 10 years is going to be staying with me at the remote location. If I delay the eviction notice, I have no reason to flee to the remote location.

I suppose I should talk to my lawyer.

gerryP

I think it's a good idea to talk to your lawyer WF, but in the end, if you have made your decision, serving before he goes to rehab or during is the same.

Hmmm, I'm not sure if this 'remote location' is so remote if he knows where it is, only a 1/2 mile hike in and he has the phone number. Unless it is an iron fortress...don't underestimate your bf nor overestimate the safety of your remote location.

Take care of yourself.