Why do I do this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 13
Why do I do this?
Hello Everybody
Sometimes I think that the reason because I post here is because you tell me what i want to hear. I mean about my AH.
So this will be a long post and I thank you in advance for taking the time to read it and the patience to reply.
Briefly this is what what has happened recently:
Almost 8 months ago my AH and I separated physically after a period of really bad arguments but we were supposed to try again within 3 months
Seven months ago we decided to separate forever
Five months ago I wrote telling him that I wanted to try again. I did it because I felt guilty for all the things I thought I should have done better while we were together
Four months ago I changed my mind and told him I didnīt want to be with him after all because nothing had changed and I broke his heart and he was really mad at me. We didnīt have any contact after that.
Three months ago I met this guy and I fell in love. He is a good man and I think I like him very much, he doesnīt drink, I was very excited about that new relationship until one day he wrote a comment saying how much he liked this hot girl in his lesbian friendīs profile in a social network. He said that he did it because he wanted to know if his lesbian friend had something to do with that hot girl. And ok I forgave him. Then he told me that he didnīt want his family to find out about our relationship because just one week before we met he had been with a woman for 3 years. And he didnīt want his parents to think that he left that other girl for me. Anyway as he started to do these things I started to compare him with my ex AH. Because even if he drank he would have never done those things and then I started to see more and more flaws in the new guy and started to think more and more good things about my ex AH.
One month ago I went to my hometown after almost 2 years and all I heard about was my ex AH. I talked to 2 couples of married friends and they thought that I should have given my ex AH another chance. And it made me think once again about my exAH.
All I had in mind was my ex AH and why I was so bad with him and how I think I could do things better
One week ago I wrote to my ex AH and told him again I wanted to try with him. I did it because I was thinking a lot about him and because I still feel guilty because I think I didnīt do all I could to make our marriage to work. I also felt guilty because my ex AH supported me economically and if I am where I am is in various ways because he helped me. Also I am earning a decent salary and I was spending it with the new guy so I felt even more guilty.
After I wrote to my AH he replied saying he wants to try but this time I have to keep my word not like the last time. Now the problem is that he told me that he has been drinking every week all this time and that he has been unemployed. But he told me that this time he will leave alcohol or try very hard to do it if we try because he has thought about doing it for himself anyway and the proof of it was that the day after I wrote to him he had an appointment with the doctor to get help. Medical help because he doesnīt like counselling
We did an agreement to come back. I told him I had been dating this other guy, he got very angry about it because he said that I was to quick to forget him and because he wasnīt with anyone but he forgave me for being with that other guy.
I finished my relationship with the new guy, who got it really bad, he cried and said that I will regret it, he was very surprised and told me that I donīt have personality because I heard to what my friends said and didnīt remember what my ex AH and I had gone through. I mean the bad things
I am having doubts again. In many ways I think that is not right to try again with my AH but also I think that maybe if I treat him like I should have done and if he has love he might this time leave the alcohol. He is a good man too, has good feelings and I did hurt him very much when we were married.
It would give it just one more chance not only for him but for me. I see it like if after this time it doesnt work I wonīt have this guilt and if it doesnīt work we split up.
Now the problem is that every decision brings consequences they can be very bad.
I know I am acting wrong deep inside though.
I shouldnīt play with my ex AH and the new guy feelings
I should be more mature and make up my mind
I should stick to what I say I would do
I feel I have become a horrible character from a soap opera
I donīt know what to do, maybe I want to tell to my ex AH that I donīt want to come back. Maybe I want to keep trying with the new guy. But maybe the best is not being with anyone and work on myself
How do I clarify my mind? How do I get out of this. I caused more trouble and involved more people
Please help
Sometimes I think that the reason because I post here is because you tell me what i want to hear. I mean about my AH.
So this will be a long post and I thank you in advance for taking the time to read it and the patience to reply.
Briefly this is what what has happened recently:
Almost 8 months ago my AH and I separated physically after a period of really bad arguments but we were supposed to try again within 3 months
Seven months ago we decided to separate forever
Five months ago I wrote telling him that I wanted to try again. I did it because I felt guilty for all the things I thought I should have done better while we were together
Four months ago I changed my mind and told him I didnīt want to be with him after all because nothing had changed and I broke his heart and he was really mad at me. We didnīt have any contact after that.
Three months ago I met this guy and I fell in love. He is a good man and I think I like him very much, he doesnīt drink, I was very excited about that new relationship until one day he wrote a comment saying how much he liked this hot girl in his lesbian friendīs profile in a social network. He said that he did it because he wanted to know if his lesbian friend had something to do with that hot girl. And ok I forgave him. Then he told me that he didnīt want his family to find out about our relationship because just one week before we met he had been with a woman for 3 years. And he didnīt want his parents to think that he left that other girl for me. Anyway as he started to do these things I started to compare him with my ex AH. Because even if he drank he would have never done those things and then I started to see more and more flaws in the new guy and started to think more and more good things about my ex AH.
One month ago I went to my hometown after almost 2 years and all I heard about was my ex AH. I talked to 2 couples of married friends and they thought that I should have given my ex AH another chance. And it made me think once again about my exAH.
All I had in mind was my ex AH and why I was so bad with him and how I think I could do things better
One week ago I wrote to my ex AH and told him again I wanted to try with him. I did it because I was thinking a lot about him and because I still feel guilty because I think I didnīt do all I could to make our marriage to work. I also felt guilty because my ex AH supported me economically and if I am where I am is in various ways because he helped me. Also I am earning a decent salary and I was spending it with the new guy so I felt even more guilty.
After I wrote to my AH he replied saying he wants to try but this time I have to keep my word not like the last time. Now the problem is that he told me that he has been drinking every week all this time and that he has been unemployed. But he told me that this time he will leave alcohol or try very hard to do it if we try because he has thought about doing it for himself anyway and the proof of it was that the day after I wrote to him he had an appointment with the doctor to get help. Medical help because he doesnīt like counselling
We did an agreement to come back. I told him I had been dating this other guy, he got very angry about it because he said that I was to quick to forget him and because he wasnīt with anyone but he forgave me for being with that other guy.
I finished my relationship with the new guy, who got it really bad, he cried and said that I will regret it, he was very surprised and told me that I donīt have personality because I heard to what my friends said and didnīt remember what my ex AH and I had gone through. I mean the bad things
I am having doubts again. In many ways I think that is not right to try again with my AH but also I think that maybe if I treat him like I should have done and if he has love he might this time leave the alcohol. He is a good man too, has good feelings and I did hurt him very much when we were married.
It would give it just one more chance not only for him but for me. I see it like if after this time it doesnt work I wonīt have this guilt and if it doesnīt work we split up.
Now the problem is that every decision brings consequences they can be very bad.
I know I am acting wrong deep inside though.
I shouldnīt play with my ex AH and the new guy feelings
I should be more mature and make up my mind
I should stick to what I say I would do
I feel I have become a horrible character from a soap opera
I donīt know what to do, maybe I want to tell to my ex AH that I donīt want to come back. Maybe I want to keep trying with the new guy. But maybe the best is not being with anyone and work on myself
How do I clarify my mind? How do I get out of this. I caused more trouble and involved more people
Please help
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Margareta-
The only advice you'll get from me ... ever ... is to go with the honest thing to do.
Ok.
That's not exactly true
I tell people stuff alla time
I mean, if you shrink it down to a bumper sticker...
You already know what the 'right' thing to do is.
You know what is going to get rid of that
awful feeling inside.
It's hard to pull a thumbtack out of your own foot
but you'd do it, right?
Why?
Because you have to.
Because the pain will go away.
Do what you know is the right thing.
The only advice you'll get from me ... ever ... is to go with the honest thing to do.
Ok.
That's not exactly true
I tell people stuff alla time
I mean, if you shrink it down to a bumper sticker...
You already know what the 'right' thing to do is.
You know what is going to get rid of that
awful feeling inside.
It's hard to pull a thumbtack out of your own foot
but you'd do it, right?
Why?
Because you have to.
Because the pain will go away.
Do what you know is the right thing.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Do you feel like you NEED a man in your life? This might not be what you want to hear, and I don't mean to sound harsh but, you are playing with people's feelings. You are bouncing from man to man depending on which one sounds better at the time. Your husband has a drinking problem and while he is the only one who can get help for that, you aren't making things any easier for him by popping in and out of his life.
From what you've written, it sounds like you don't know what you want and what you need to do is take time to figure that out. It doesn't sound like either of these men are healthy for you or anyone else right now. Why not take some time for yourself, to figure out what it was you really want out of life. It's really not fair to your husband to keep saying you want to try again when you really don't know if that's what you want or not.
From what you've written, it sounds like you don't know what you want and what you need to do is take time to figure that out. It doesn't sound like either of these men are healthy for you or anyone else right now. Why not take some time for yourself, to figure out what it was you really want out of life. It's really not fair to your husband to keep saying you want to try again when you really don't know if that's what you want or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I have to agree with Suki.
You have doubts and have these feelings that you are doing the wrong thing for a reason.
We often stay in relationships that are unhealthy and seek out new relationships that are just as unhealthy as the last because we either don't think we are worth anything more or because we don't know how to live any other way.
Part of recovery is learning to act on what your feelings are telling you and learn how to analyze interactions with others from a protective point of view and not be paralyzed by the only choice we have in front of us.
Are these the only two men you are aware of on this earth? Obviously not. You left your AH for a reason. That reason is still there no matter what fond memories are being stirred up or what folks from the old neighborhood think. He's drinking and he's unemployed, a bad combo for a healthy start over if you ask me.
You have been pingponging back and forth over your AH for so long. Maybe it's time to consider what Still Waters has said and just give yourself the time away from a relationship entirely to discover yourself a little more. If you find you can't be without a man for long, maybe that's something to explore with a therapist or counselor. Look a little deeper as to why that is.
The answers will come. Making no decision at all is a choice is in itself.
Alice
You have doubts and have these feelings that you are doing the wrong thing for a reason.
We often stay in relationships that are unhealthy and seek out new relationships that are just as unhealthy as the last because we either don't think we are worth anything more or because we don't know how to live any other way.
Part of recovery is learning to act on what your feelings are telling you and learn how to analyze interactions with others from a protective point of view and not be paralyzed by the only choice we have in front of us.
Are these the only two men you are aware of on this earth? Obviously not. You left your AH for a reason. That reason is still there no matter what fond memories are being stirred up or what folks from the old neighborhood think. He's drinking and he's unemployed, a bad combo for a healthy start over if you ask me.
You have been pingponging back and forth over your AH for so long. Maybe it's time to consider what Still Waters has said and just give yourself the time away from a relationship entirely to discover yourself a little more. If you find you can't be without a man for long, maybe that's something to explore with a therapist or counselor. Look a little deeper as to why that is.
The answers will come. Making no decision at all is a choice is in itself.
Alice
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