Lessons Learned in 09
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Lessons Learned in 09
KittyBoo wrote that in another thread. Sounded like a really great thread to me. What were the lessons learned in 09?
1. I learned that I'm codependent and need to work on that
2. I learned that I can't "help" an alcoholic choose recovery
3. I learned that my alcoholic is EXACTLY like a bunch of other alcoholics in his behavior (that was a weird realization by the way, reading other people saying things that could be describing my xabf. Whoa!)
4. I learned that the best thing I can do, is take care of me.
5. I learned, through this forum, how important community and understanding is when it comes to recovery.
Happy New Year Everyone!
1. I learned that I'm codependent and need to work on that
2. I learned that I can't "help" an alcoholic choose recovery
3. I learned that my alcoholic is EXACTLY like a bunch of other alcoholics in his behavior (that was a weird realization by the way, reading other people saying things that could be describing my xabf. Whoa!)
4. I learned that the best thing I can do, is take care of me.
5. I learned, through this forum, how important community and understanding is when it comes to recovery.
Happy New Year Everyone!
miyah
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
I also learned in 09
1.Wow- especially the part of all the others being just like him. That was an awakening.
2. I learned from reading on this forum that XABF fits very well in the abusive category with manipulation, put downs and threats, and ending in violence.
3. I learned that I have no control over any A and that to try to get one to stop drinking will allow them to control me even more.
4.I have learned that I am not sure who I am or what I want anymore. I have let his issues take over my life a little at a time.
5. I have learned that although I never want to be with him again, there are still little things that I miss.
2. I learned from reading on this forum that XABF fits very well in the abusive category with manipulation, put downs and threats, and ending in violence.
3. I learned that I have no control over any A and that to try to get one to stop drinking will allow them to control me even more.
4.I have learned that I am not sure who I am or what I want anymore. I have let his issues take over my life a little at a time.
5. I have learned that although I never want to be with him again, there are still little things that I miss.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Ditto to alot of what you said. This last year I realized I was code and that my Mom was. I learned that no contact is better for me in regard to XAH even though I do not always adhere to it. I realize as his disease progresses he is actually losing his mind. I see I am totally 100% powerless over his disease. I need to keep the focus on me. This last year I was better at not beating myself up with expectations. I have a house to sell and I am not ready so I have it rented out. I am renting an apt. and am fine with that for now. I am ok with not being ready to deal with the house. The XAH is in the same neighborhood but in a different house 3 doors away. The house is ready to sell but the X may be losing his house so I would rather wait until he is gone somewhere else. I am 25 miles away. Now I catch myself if I go into "the beat myself up mode "of SELL the house. I am just not ready to go back in the neighborhood and deal with it. In two months or next year who knows(God does)........Let it go.......I can now tell" the negative brain loop ****** committee to stop abusing me." No expectations.......This year will be more of learning and letting go........Thanks for being here for me!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Lessons Learned:
1. I learned that I DO have a choice in my life as far as my marriage/relationships go.
2. I learned that I can not/won't live with active alcoholism in my life.
3. I learned that I deserve to be treated in a respectful way by my husband.
4. I learned that my children need to have a better role model in myself (ie codependent behaviors) and don't need to be witness to verbal abuse or active alcoholsim.
5. I learned that I can do this....that I am stronger than ever thought!
6. Lastly, I did learn that I can not do this on my own, but SR and my family/friends are necessary for me to recover
1. I learned that I DO have a choice in my life as far as my marriage/relationships go.
2. I learned that I can not/won't live with active alcoholism in my life.
3. I learned that I deserve to be treated in a respectful way by my husband.
4. I learned that my children need to have a better role model in myself (ie codependent behaviors) and don't need to be witness to verbal abuse or active alcoholsim.
5. I learned that I can do this....that I am stronger than ever thought!
6. Lastly, I did learn that I can not do this on my own, but SR and my family/friends are necessary for me to recover
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
I've learned:
1. My life is just that...my life. I have no control over anyone elses. I need to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else.
2. I am co-dependent and will need to work on that if I am to live a healthy life and have healthy relationships.
3. My AH is no different than any other significant other I've read about here. The symptoms and behaviors are almost identical.
4. I didn't create his problem, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
5. I have prayed, asked for help, and received it from my HP.
6. I have learned I can live on my own without him. I know I will not go back to him...but there are parts of him I miss. I can't lie.
7. Without friends, family, and SR...I would not be doing as well as I am right now. Thank you!
HAPPY 2010 TO EVERYONE
1. My life is just that...my life. I have no control over anyone elses. I need to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else.
2. I am co-dependent and will need to work on that if I am to live a healthy life and have healthy relationships.
3. My AH is no different than any other significant other I've read about here. The symptoms and behaviors are almost identical.
4. I didn't create his problem, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
5. I have prayed, asked for help, and received it from my HP.
6. I have learned I can live on my own without him. I know I will not go back to him...but there are parts of him I miss. I can't lie.
7. Without friends, family, and SR...I would not be doing as well as I am right now. Thank you!
HAPPY 2010 TO EVERYONE
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
1. I have learned not to take it personally.
2. I have learned that if I don't work on my codependancy, I will repeat my behaviors.
3. I have learned to like myself again (no, make that "love")
4. I have learned to let go and let God
5. I have learned that my XABF is just like every other spouse on here.
6. I have learned that I am not unique or alone in my struggles.
7. I have learned that SR is a great place for support and strength.
2. I have learned that if I don't work on my codependancy, I will repeat my behaviors.
3. I have learned to like myself again (no, make that "love")
4. I have learned to let go and let God
5. I have learned that my XABF is just like every other spouse on here.
6. I have learned that I am not unique or alone in my struggles.
7. I have learned that SR is a great place for support and strength.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
1. I have learned my husband is a lying, shut down alcoholic and I hid that fact from myself for many years.
2. I have learned I don't want kids with someone who has an active addiction, doesn't want to grow or change or communicate and can't stay honest and open.
3. I have learned I was living in fantasy thinking because I didn't want to see reality.
4. I have learned I am a codependent and have manipulated my AH to keep him "happy" and keep me feeling better (due to a reflected/dependent sense of well being)
5. I have learned I am deeply resistant to WHAT IS SO and try to change it/manipulate it/fix it and feel upset about it if it isn't the way I want.
6. I have learned I didn't cause it, and can't control it or change it.
7. I have learned how to slow down, let it be and refocus on myself.
8. I have learned I didn't have many boundaries and that defining myself is scary, but that I can do it and instead of bad things happening, I feel better!
9. I have learned alcoholism is the same story 1 million times over and that makes me feel better (its not personal)
10. I have learned I try to fix/change others to avoid the work I need to do on myself.
11. I have learned I can say, "I deserve to be respected, told the truth, etc." and that doesn't make me ungrateful or demanding.
12. I have learned I can love my AH and myself, even as I detach.
Thanks to you all!
Wife
2. I have learned I don't want kids with someone who has an active addiction, doesn't want to grow or change or communicate and can't stay honest and open.
3. I have learned I was living in fantasy thinking because I didn't want to see reality.
4. I have learned I am a codependent and have manipulated my AH to keep him "happy" and keep me feeling better (due to a reflected/dependent sense of well being)
5. I have learned I am deeply resistant to WHAT IS SO and try to change it/manipulate it/fix it and feel upset about it if it isn't the way I want.
6. I have learned I didn't cause it, and can't control it or change it.
7. I have learned how to slow down, let it be and refocus on myself.
8. I have learned I didn't have many boundaries and that defining myself is scary, but that I can do it and instead of bad things happening, I feel better!
9. I have learned alcoholism is the same story 1 million times over and that makes me feel better (its not personal)
10. I have learned I try to fix/change others to avoid the work I need to do on myself.
11. I have learned I can say, "I deserve to be respected, told the truth, etc." and that doesn't make me ungrateful or demanding.
12. I have learned I can love my AH and myself, even as I detach.
Thanks to you all!
Wife
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I've learned that a little courage yields pretty amazing results.
I've learned that love doesn't demand any action on my part. That is, it's ok to love my former husband and at the same time know that it isn't in my best interests to be married to him.
I've learned the value of reaching out to my fellow human beings
And! I've found perspective! I've learned that I can "find peace and contentment whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking" or indeed still living with his well-meaning but overbearing girlfriend, or if the car is working or the stupid axle is out of balance again, or whether or not I have anything to do on New Years Eve. I'm happy! I turned 40 this year, I have no job, I just ditched a career of 2 decades (it was going nowhere and not paying the bills, though), I live in a ratty house in an iffy downtown neighborhood, I'm divorced, it's too late for me to have another child without paying thousands of dollars at the local fertility clinic and I wanted one, I just broke up with my boyfriend, I'm barely skating by financially, my life is nothing that I visualized it being at this age... and I'm still happy. I'm dang well all right with pretty much everything. There's some things I want to repair... but there's nothing really, truly un-fixable within the circle of the things I can control (ie, the part that's really my life). And those things I make up my mind to change, I can.
Contrast this to a mere 3 years ago of the absolute rock bottom of my adult life. That night of whimpering to God that I would do anything at all not to feel so bad, that was the middle of the bad time; but it was also the beginning of things getting much, much better.
I've learned that love doesn't demand any action on my part. That is, it's ok to love my former husband and at the same time know that it isn't in my best interests to be married to him.
I've learned the value of reaching out to my fellow human beings
And! I've found perspective! I've learned that I can "find peace and contentment whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking" or indeed still living with his well-meaning but overbearing girlfriend, or if the car is working or the stupid axle is out of balance again, or whether or not I have anything to do on New Years Eve. I'm happy! I turned 40 this year, I have no job, I just ditched a career of 2 decades (it was going nowhere and not paying the bills, though), I live in a ratty house in an iffy downtown neighborhood, I'm divorced, it's too late for me to have another child without paying thousands of dollars at the local fertility clinic and I wanted one, I just broke up with my boyfriend, I'm barely skating by financially, my life is nothing that I visualized it being at this age... and I'm still happy. I'm dang well all right with pretty much everything. There's some things I want to repair... but there's nothing really, truly un-fixable within the circle of the things I can control (ie, the part that's really my life). And those things I make up my mind to change, I can.
Contrast this to a mere 3 years ago of the absolute rock bottom of my adult life. That night of whimpering to God that I would do anything at all not to feel so bad, that was the middle of the bad time; but it was also the beginning of things getting much, much better.
Last edited by BuffaloGal; 01-02-2010 at 11:33 PM. Reason: too long!
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