Enough

Old 01-01-2010, 04:37 PM
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Enough

I have no where to go, and I desperately need to talk to someone.

I am a newlywed, married just over 3 months ago. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years. He started using cocaine about 3 years ago. I knew about his addiction when I married him, I married him anyway thinking he would beat this eventually and it wouldn't be here forever. He is 6 years older than me. He's very smart, his job is demanding, we've gone through hard times this past year due to the recession and he worked 1/4 as much as the previous 6 years in his career. We have huge financial strain, which falls on him mostly being he makes a substantial amount more than I do. He is so up and down, he's talked about how he has anxiety issues. He is on anti depressants currently and has been for about 4 months. His doctor doesn't know that he does cocaine, but she knows he drinks and told him not too unless it was very social.

He still uses cocaine occasionally, and by that I mean about 2 times a month, sometimes a few more times. He uses it by himself or with a buddy, but mostly by himself. I know his habbits and can pretty much guess or sense when he'll use. When I see him or talk to him on the phone I know instantly. I can smell it on him as well, my nose picks it up instantly.

He also drinks, a bit more than I would like. With his job he goes on a lot of lunches and their is always alochol. It's not my biggest concern, but usually it leads to him getting blow afterwards and he gives into his temptations.

He's used cocaine I think about 7 times since we were married.

Lastnight we were out with friends for New Years, and we agreed that I would be drinking (which I don't do a lot of) and he would be the DD. He had a few drinks, that's it and water the rest of the night. Well today our plan was to relax, have a glass or two of champagne (his idea). I wasn't feeling too great so I had 1/2 a glass with orange juice. He drank 3 bottles to himself, and by the afternoon I told him I was upset. He went from being very sweet and kind to a monster. He told me he was leaving and going out with his friend, called me the worst filthy names (which isn't uncommon) and raised his hand at me (he's never punched me in the face, but he's grabbed and shook me and hit my arm a few times, leaving bruises). He told me he hates me, he can't stand me, he wants to divorce me, I think I'm so much better than him, that we had discussed having champagne on NYD and that he wasn't out of line. I explained that he can't ever just have one or two glasses, he has to have a few bottles. Not that this happens a lot, but I still think it's unhealthy. I told him I was concerned about his health and well being, not to be a nagging wife. He got dressed, and left the house. I wanted to call the police because I don't think he should be driving...but I don't have the guts to do it.

Before he left he called me and my entire family down and said the most awful things you can imagine.

My brother knows about this a bit, but not to the extent of him hitting me or being rough with my physically. I haven't talked to any of my family about this at all, I have talked to one of my friends about this but haven't been very open about how bad things are since about 4 months before our wedding. I think I just felt ashamed. I called my brother a while ago but no answer, I wanted to talk to him and I was so upset and I wanted to tell him everything.

My husband and I saw a counselor before we were married for about 4 sessions. We stopped 2 weeks before our wedding and didn't go back after because of the finacial stress we were in and couldn't afford the $120 for an hour.

My husband has talked about going to rehab, but are not sure how he could. He can't miss work if he has it, and the costs are outrageous. We can't afford to pay our bills and have him go away for 2 or more weeks.

As I type this all out I can't believe how awful it all sounds. We definitely do have great moments together, and there is a lot of love and passion in our relationship. It's just not a healthy one at all and I question whether or not we are able to make it as husband and wife. We go from the highest highs and most loving moments to the most brutal moments at a flick of a switch. He is seriously depressed and stressed out. I worry about him and whether or not he will kill himself at times when he is using his drugs. As I read over all of this I know how awful this is...how brutal our relationship is. This is not healthy, this is not okay. I don't know why I put up with it. Why I continue to forgive, why I continue to push these feelings deep inside me where I don't think about them. Right now I just want him to come home and apologize and for us to be okay. How sick is that?

I also always feel like I'm the bad guy, he feels I am the one who is in the wrong and how dare I accuse him of doing something wrong? When in fact, I think anyone looking at our situation would see why I would be mad, and would find him to be wrong and the one needing to apologize. But he manipulates the situation to make it my fault. I am the peacemaker, I want everything to be okay, so I just give him. A few times I wouldn't give in, and only a couple that I can remember.

I also think he had a sex addiction. He would spend hours online looking at porn at first, and when I would find his cocaine he would do it off of a porn magazine in the bathroom. I think it's calmed down in the past year, but before I think he would spend hours watching porn while he was high.

So what are we to do? What can I possibly do? I know that I am not perfect, I know that I can change for the better in a lot of ways. I know we need to go to a counselor..but how do I find one that he will like? Because the last one told him he had to fix his addiction and the rest of our issues would be easier to fix (my lack of trust, jealousy, anger issues, etc).

Any advice would be so so appreciated. I'm at my wits end. I'm so dead inside. I find even as I finish this I'm tempted to just erase it and forget about. Pretend it's okay. I need to wake up.
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Old 01-01-2010, 05:15 PM
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welcome to S.R. this is not a good way to start the year off, for this i am sorry. i am glad u have found us.
first off, this is not your fault. there is nothing u can say or do to keep your husband clean. he will find an excuse not to get any counciling untill he is ready. he will not like any of them. it will always be an excuse not to go to a rehab. i am scared for you because he puts his hands on you. you worry about him killing himself. he can kill you that easy. i can not tell you what to do but you can not fix him. have u ever been to naronon? there is alot of support there. meeting are always good. they are free. he will not get any better until he hits his bottom. do not keep it a secret what he is doing.people should know. you need to be safe. do not be scared to call the law. keep coming here. we care & there is alot to learn. hugs & prayers, hope
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Old 01-01-2010, 05:18 PM
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What do you want to do?

Where physical assault occurs it is customary to seek alternative living arrangements for a short time at the very least.

You must realize you made a mistake so think before making another one. This is reality of marriage with an addict - negativity and anger go with it. Worry about yourself first and let him take care of himself.

Please hear this from someone who's husband asked for a divorce three weeks into the marriage -I have two applications for a divorce and we have only been married for three years. My husband in in recovery - or rather he just doesn't drink but we are separated b/c he couldn't stop while living under the same roof. Even w/o alcohol he has difficulty managing his anger and other emotions maturely.

Go to alanon and get support for yourself. It is not uncommon to go through what you are experiencing. some get better with tx some still separate.

I feel for you - someone else here said what I repeated at many alanon meetings early on in my marriage - the dreams die the hardest.

Keep talking here and read some of the material on boundary setting and self protection.
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Old 01-01-2010, 06:00 PM
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Thank you for your quick responses. I have not heard of the support groups you mention but I will be looking into them. I hope we have some in our local town. I have thought about calling the counsellor we saw and getting some info from her as well.

I have worried about his mental state and him talking about how he just wants to die. I have felt the same way at times when I have come home and he is as high as a kite. I always thought I was the type of women who would never accept or tolerate a man abusing me physically. I guess I was wrong. I do worry that he could get so violent he would do some serious damage or kill me, i know it's possible and that is hard to admit.

What do I want to do?

I want to call his Mom and go to her and tell her everything. I know my husband has opened up to her on one or two occassions where he has told her he was doing drugs and had hit me. She told him she didn't raise him to do any of that.

I know she knows her son well, and she loves him like I do. I feel she might be able to help but I don't want to burden her with our problems.

I think I need to go somewhere else and have a seperation. I don't know where because I don't have any relatives nearby or friends. That I can stay with. I don't want to do it. But I need too.

We aren't happy. I hang onto the good moments but overall no one could be happy living like this.

My MIL is on a holiday right now and I am contemplating calling her and maybe going to see her or talking to her over the phone.

Is that a good idea?
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Old 01-01-2010, 06:09 PM
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What is it you want his mother to do? This is not her problem. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have to decide what you want out of life. There is no good reason to stay with a man who is physically violent. It starts with grabbing and pushing and bruises. It can end with broken bones or death. Are you willing to take that chance?
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Old 01-01-2010, 06:25 PM
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there is nothing any one can do to help your husband. he has got to want the help, until then there is NO help. read around this board, read everything u can get your hands on about drugs & living with an addict. it does not get any better. help yourself, i know u love him. we have all loved an addict. my son is my addict & i love him warts & all but i have to detatch myself from him in order to be happy. hugs to u...i feel your pain.
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Old 01-01-2010, 07:29 PM
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Hi Umbrella and (((Hugs)))). I'm so sorry for your pain today but I'm really glad you posted and got this stuff out on the table. It will help.

If you don't have the money for a counselor, there are many drug abuse hotlines you can call 24/7. Counselors are available to talk to you anytime about the nature of addiction and discuss your options. (example: 1-800-COCAINE)

I also strongly encourage you to keep a number handy for your closest domestic abuse counseling center and consider making an appointment for counseling, which is usually free. The national hotline number is 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

His use of cocaine is very likely the cause of his irritability, anxiety and restlessness. As he continues to use he will require more and more of the drug to achieve the same level of 'pleasure' that he got initially and his risk of serious physical damage (stroke & heart attack) will increase dramatically -- this is especially true if cocaine is mixed with alcohol. It can also cause severe paranoia and auditory hallucinations.

Talking to his mother will most likely not have any real or lasting results, nor will your crying, begging or bargaining. Frankly, he sounds as if he's in a full-blown addiction and, at this point, your best option is to get educated, attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings, or see a counselor so that you can evaluate whether this is a road you want to travel. It's a very tough one.

Above all, be safe and do not take any risks. If he is volatile and showing signs of rage or violence of any kind -- GET OUT OF THE HOUSE or CALL THE POLICE. Do not take chances with your safety.
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:54 PM
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I know deep down that no one can make him stop. But some part of me feels like love can do anything. I know it's not true, but I am having a hard time accepting that.

The only reason I wanted to talk to his Mom is because I think she would have some good advice. She dealt with her fathers alcoholism. I think if we had to go on a break he would be able to stay with her and I would have to stay home and take care of our dogs and work. I know she read a lot about alcoholism and addictions and could provide support. And support from strangers is great, but to have a family member there would be great too. I know that is a lot to ask, but I know she is the type who wouldn't mind. She's very caring. I know she can't get him to stop.

I talked to my husband shortly and he's been gone for 5 hours. I think he is heading to a friends who lives about 2 hours away. When I talked to him he was still mad at me and still thinks his drinking was innocent. He went from being mad to telling me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else. He still feels like I am at fault for a lot of our problems. Which I'm not saying I'm not, but the issue today, I feel I was justified in my concern.

I've been reading other posts and it's breaking my heart. I can't stop crying and haven't left my bed since he took off. I wish I could fall asleep. I know this isn't going to go away. But I don't think I've accepted that yet. I read King Baby, and he is exactly that. It's usually his way or the highway. It's frustrating because he is also the softest most thoughtful person at times. When he comes down he expresses himself and how he hates doing coke, how he hates how it makes him feel, he hates the fights it causes, and he has cut down from what he was doing before. There were times when it was daily for a week or more. There are signs that he's getting better. But on days like today, it just breaks my heart.

So I will try and fall asleep while he is out with his friend drinking and maybe getting high. I have hope that he won't. He will probably call me later in the night to tell me he's sorry. Then will come home sometime in the morning. What a pathetic start to 2010. It is discouraging for sure. I had hope it would be a better year than 09.
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:13 PM
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It can be a better year, but only you can make it so.
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Old 01-02-2010, 05:46 AM
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Welcome to SR, Umbrella. Sorry 2010 is starting off this way for you. Addiction is progressive and will only get worse over time if the addict is not working their recovery.
Read all the sticky posts and learn all you can about addiction, so you'll know what you're up against. This sticky post helped me so much when I first got here....


What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Have A Great 24
-jon
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Old 01-02-2010, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Umbrella View Post
I know deep down that no one can make him stop. But some part of me feels like love can do anything. I know it's not true, but I am having a hard time accepting that. .
But love comes in many shapes and forms.

I had to love my son enough to kick him out of my house with no money and no job when he was only 18. Yeah, that was a very counterintuitive and difficult form of love, but it was most definitely an act of love.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:28 AM
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Thank you all. Thank you so much.

I didn't sleep well. I woke up at 5am and his tuck was in the driveway. I knew he would be in his office, and sure enough he was. He was completey out if his mind and I've only seen him that high a handful of times. He drove around all night I guess is what he told me. I usually get angry and scream and yell and call him names. That's my usual approach. I'm tired. I know there is no use in reacting. So I asked him to come in and I held him. He was too paranoid so went back to his office where he is still at and it's 10:00am.

I am writing lots this morning. Something I don't do. I am reading lots on here as well and i am trying to come up with a plan. I need a plan. He is such a successful man and has somehow kept working through all this. He functions normally and then falls hard. It's so up and down and around.

I will not have another year like the previous ones. I can't. I am 25, I have lots to offer, I know this isn't normal and there are men out there who don't act like this. But then again, my husband didn't tough drugs for the first two years we were together.

So I'm making a plan and will be presenting that to him tomorrow when he's had sleep and time to think straight.

Can someone point me in the right direction for how to come up with my plan?

Thanks so much.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:38 AM
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wekcome, sorry you had to find us but so glad you did. your story sounds exactly like mine, only i'm a recovering addict married but now separated from my active addicted husband who just found his way into the 2nd 2yr prison term.

please believe that none of this is your fault. nothing you can say or do will make him use or stop using. addicts are very good at turning things around on you, making you feel like you are the crazy one with all the problems. its a common trait of addiction and so is the depression, axiety and sometimes rage. it will get progressively worse unless he seek help for himself and follow through with a committed plan of recovery. an addict will do or say whatever they need to inorder to take the focus off of them and their drug use. they can actually make a fight out of anything giving them an excuse to storm out and use, leaving you feeling like it was because of something you did. NOT THE TRUTH.

It took me 21yrs of the exact same behavior you described above before i realized that i really needed to get out and save myself and kids. his addiction was literally driving me insane, all in the name of love. today i am disabled because of a drug induced rage..the pushing, shaking, shoving and name calling got so much worse and i still stuck around for more, simply because i didn't think he wouldnt hurt me physically. trust me, if he did it once and feel like he got away with it, the attacks will get worse so please be safe so you won't have to be sorry. if i had known what i know now, i would hope i would have gotten out long ago.

as for the porn thing, BTDT. PLEASE, concider protecting yourself, sorry to have to say this but its reality sometimes. addicts sometimes do all kinds of stuff for and with drugs. i know this has to hurt but i don't want to see nobody go through all i've gone through in the past 23yrs while trying to stick by my ah, to no avail.

as for my addiction, it took for my family to walk away from me allowing me to hit my bottom alone. then and only then did i fall so low that i became desperate to find help and stick to that help for myself. today i'm a few yrs clean and eternally grateful that they did walk away and began to live their lives without me and my addiction.

you mentioned, you thought about separating yourself and imo, i think that might be the best thing you can do for you(for now) and eventually that could/could not help him more than you could ever know. the choice is still yours though, and we will support any decisions you make so make sure you stick around and keep posting and reading. we are here to help each other. you are not alone here.

alanon and naranon support groups are very good and really will help you to learn to keep the focus on you. you can't love him clean but you can love him to death. you and your family are in my prayers.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:53 AM
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He went from being mad to telling me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.

I stopped reading after that because that is what I went through. He was being nice again because he got what he wanted........................ Good luck to you and welcome!!
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Umbrella View Post

He's used cocaine I think about 7 times since we were married.
I can almost guarantee that his actual usage is in multiples of this number. No doubt this is the cause of financial strain as much, if not more, than his work situation.

Everyone has stress. Addicts and alcoholics use the "S" word to rationalize their behaviors. You are not the cause of his problems. Blaming you is what alcoholics and addicts tend to do. It's all a load of crap.

If love were all it took to cure someone of addiction/alcoholism, absolutely none of us would be here. One of the greatest hurdles most of us have or are facing is that we assume there is something wrong with us that we can't compel them to snap out of it. And somehow, in all of this, we become shamed which makes absolutely no sense.

Truth is we are all powerless over someone else's addiction/alcoholism. As an aside, strongly consider doubling up on the birth control. Pregnancy and children do not cure addiction or alcoholism.

Sounds like you have put yourself through a lot in just three short months. What about the violence, physical and emotional abuse, porn addiction, alcoholism and drug addiction is acceptable to you?

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

Please pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's at your local library or used for about $2 from Amazon.com.
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Umbrella View Post
Can someone point me in the right direction for how to come up with my plan?

Thanks so much.
Often times, plans and boundaries are designed to control someone else's behavior, not our own. And as a result, they fail.

Given what you have written thus far, he's out of control and dangereous to himself and others. He is a criminal. Is this acceptable to you? If not, one of you is leaving.

Such departure helps to ensure your own physical safety, dignity and sanity. It is not a tactic to control him. He's an adult and has to find his own bottom. More than likely he will continue to party with or without you. Love does not beat addiction or alcoholism.

Words/promices are meaningless noise at times like this. It's all about his actions. Addiction is progressive.

Have you seen and experienced enough, yet?
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:30 AM
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So I'm making a plan and will be presenting that to him tomorrow when he's had sleep and time to think straight.

Your plan is for YOU. It is not necessary to show it to him. That will just give him the information he needs to keep stringing you along. You need to decide what you will and will not live with and then be ready to back that up. He has already lied, been emotionally abusive numerous times, and has started with the physical abuse. Your plan should be how to keep yourself safe, not give him an opportunity to negotiate.
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:47 AM
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In your situation my plan would be to establish boundaries and goals:

I choose not to live in a home with someone actively abusing drugs.
I choose to trust my own instincts rather than the words and manipulations of a drug abuser.
I will not trust that my loved one is searching for sobriety until they ask for help and demonstrate a willingness to accept help which is all around them if they choose to seek it. I will not support them in their addiction.
I will create a support system for myself by finding a program of my own with people that understand.
I will be seek to be honest with myself about my loved one's abuse of drugs and the effect it has on my life.
I will not allow my loved one's choice to abuse substances to destroy my life.

In short - non of it is about the DA - it's all about you and your choices.
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:49 PM
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Umbrella - I know what you are reading here is a LOT to take in all at once. As SisDebbie demonstrated, probably the best thing you can do for you right now is to simply write down what is or is not acceptable to you in your life right now. Mull over the list, write and re-write. You don't have to come up with a plan TODAY, nor do you have to share anything with him right now. Think about your list, come back here to SR and share it -- you will get constructive feedback from people that are not in crisis. You have to keep in mind that you are in crisis mode and may not be thinking things through properly or in a practical way. Let us help you. ((((( Hugs )))))
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:02 PM
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Umbrella,
I want to welcome you here.
I TOTALLY understand you. My ABF is also an abuser of cocaine and alchohol.
So far he has never been physically abusive, but i don't wish to hang around long enough to find out.
He knows if he keeps abusing cocaine i am gone. I have set my boundary and i will damn well stick to it this time (yes i've been here before).
I understand the mood swings, and the manipulation and him blaming you. I have received all this too.
I am lucky enough not to live with my partner, so i can detatch to a certain level, yet you have to ask yourself if you can keep living with this.

If you wanna talk anytime let me know. In the meantime we are all here for you.
None of this is your fault. He chooses to use coke. He is spending serious money on this, and he knows drinking leads to cocaine. It's up to him to sort it out.
Also if he is not respecting himself, he won't be respecting you.

WELCOME!! ((HUGS))
~Limiya~
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