Trying to breathe.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Trying to breathe. In a nutshell, my then RAH had 100 sober days behind him. I had 100 stress free, happy days behind me too. Granted, he was gone 2 months out of those days....one month in rehab and one month overseas. But, nonetheless...we were better and on our way..........or so I thought.
It seems like I am always waiting. Waiting for him to be sober, or waiting for him to come home. ( he works on the road ). Waiting and waiting and waiting.
I am no wallflower, I own my own business and I am fortunate to say that it is doing very well right now. I own my own home and take care of things here as well.
But, you see, I have this fantasy...fantasy that some day I will no longer have to wait. Fantasy that things will be harmonious and relatively stress free. I wish him leaving the toilet seat up was a bigger issue!!!
I just briefly had that...and now it's gone. He relapsed 3 days ago and is still not clean. I feel like a child that got the gift of their dreams for Christmas and then someone just took it away from Me. It's like the TV commercial where the one girl gets the plastic pony, and the other girl gets the real pony. I want the real pony dammit!!!!
You see, this would be the first time that I would actually follow through with the boundaries that I laid out for myself. And it flippin' hurts.
Right now I feel like I could just throw up at any moment, or cry. Maybe throw something and tantrum like a little kid.
You see, a few days ago I had the "real pony". He was working the program and staying away from slippery people, places & things. Everyone at his work knew about his addiction because he came "clean" about all of it. His family, friends and neighbors knew because he opened up to all of them. He has a sponsor (actually 2 ). No more secrets. Yay!!!!! We even had a conversation about his counselor that he was extremely fond of in rehab and how he would visit her when he went to his next job city. That was the very morning of the day that he fell.
How does that happen? I just don't get it and I never will. I am on this side, and he is on that side. That's the part the I do get.
Now, it's all about the lies. All about the addiction. He works harder at hiding this thing, then fighting it. That's where we are today...again. He didn't work the program.
Exactly one year ago today we were doing the exact same thing as we are today...with one very big exception, my boundaries.
About an hour ago I sat him down and told him that I love him with all that I have, but we need to separate for awhile. You see, sadly he is still not sober and blew about $1300 in his bank account yesterday. He has also been going to tanning beds because he knows how pale he gets when he's on pills. That's an awful lot of work to protect your secret. It's so sad. I let him know the agreement we made before he came home from rehab, and he has broken that agreement. There is nothing I can do to help him, only He can do that. I can't say that sticking to my guns felt great...it doesn't. I feel horrible, and of course he's sticking to his story about being sober and well...that just sucks!
But I am done, and it just doesn't seem real. There is no other way.
He said he will be leaving here at 1:00PM and will abide by my request. Of course He was shaking his head at Me and looking at Me like I am being unreasonable...but I have seen that so many times before. For 10 years now.
Still, when you're a recovering "codie" you can't help but doubt yourself from time to time, and these addicts are very skilled at deflecting.
Some of you may have read an earlier post about how I laid out the boundaries a few days ago...I did. He left and came back. He seemed a little out of sorts when He came back, and said it was "residuals" from his relapse.
I gave Him that, but I said if He was still the same tomorrow, he would have to leave. That's where we are today.
It's New Years Eve, and though I don't reside to making resolutions...this one I will keep.
I cannot do this anymore. It isn't good for Me and it's certainly not good for Him. Time for new. It hurts like hell. Yes, he is choosing to stay in a dark place. He isn't reaching out. He is soooooo lost, confused, & angry about this place he finds himself in. I get that. But I can't live with him anymore. Not now.
Now He will probably go to his parents house where his RAM will try to "fix" it for Him. I would think with all her years in the program, she would know a lot about enabling. But it's her journey, not mine.
Sorry for the long post, there was so much to get out. If you find yourself reading this, thank you for giving Me your time. I know most of you can relate to this, and some of you may be in a better place than I am right now.
But I have faith that I will get there too.
I just have to get through today first.
I will post updates. I will go see a movie tonight. I will cry. I will write a lot. I will come home and enjoy my pets and my place. I will not listen to "Auld Lang Syne" because I can't handle that flippin' song right now... and tomorrow is another day.
I just have to remember to breathe.
It seems like I am always waiting. Waiting for him to be sober, or waiting for him to come home. ( he works on the road ). Waiting and waiting and waiting.
I am no wallflower, I own my own business and I am fortunate to say that it is doing very well right now. I own my own home and take care of things here as well.
But, you see, I have this fantasy...fantasy that some day I will no longer have to wait. Fantasy that things will be harmonious and relatively stress free. I wish him leaving the toilet seat up was a bigger issue!!!
I just briefly had that...and now it's gone. He relapsed 3 days ago and is still not clean. I feel like a child that got the gift of their dreams for Christmas and then someone just took it away from Me. It's like the TV commercial where the one girl gets the plastic pony, and the other girl gets the real pony. I want the real pony dammit!!!!
You see, this would be the first time that I would actually follow through with the boundaries that I laid out for myself. And it flippin' hurts.
Right now I feel like I could just throw up at any moment, or cry. Maybe throw something and tantrum like a little kid.
You see, a few days ago I had the "real pony". He was working the program and staying away from slippery people, places & things. Everyone at his work knew about his addiction because he came "clean" about all of it. His family, friends and neighbors knew because he opened up to all of them. He has a sponsor (actually 2 ). No more secrets. Yay!!!!! We even had a conversation about his counselor that he was extremely fond of in rehab and how he would visit her when he went to his next job city. That was the very morning of the day that he fell.
How does that happen? I just don't get it and I never will. I am on this side, and he is on that side. That's the part the I do get.
Now, it's all about the lies. All about the addiction. He works harder at hiding this thing, then fighting it. That's where we are today...again. He didn't work the program.
Exactly one year ago today we were doing the exact same thing as we are today...with one very big exception, my boundaries.
About an hour ago I sat him down and told him that I love him with all that I have, but we need to separate for awhile. You see, sadly he is still not sober and blew about $1300 in his bank account yesterday. He has also been going to tanning beds because he knows how pale he gets when he's on pills. That's an awful lot of work to protect your secret. It's so sad. I let him know the agreement we made before he came home from rehab, and he has broken that agreement. There is nothing I can do to help him, only He can do that. I can't say that sticking to my guns felt great...it doesn't. I feel horrible, and of course he's sticking to his story about being sober and well...that just sucks!
But I am done, and it just doesn't seem real. There is no other way.
He said he will be leaving here at 1:00PM and will abide by my request. Of course He was shaking his head at Me and looking at Me like I am being unreasonable...but I have seen that so many times before. For 10 years now.
Still, when you're a recovering "codie" you can't help but doubt yourself from time to time, and these addicts are very skilled at deflecting.
Some of you may have read an earlier post about how I laid out the boundaries a few days ago...I did. He left and came back. He seemed a little out of sorts when He came back, and said it was "residuals" from his relapse.
I gave Him that, but I said if He was still the same tomorrow, he would have to leave. That's where we are today.
It's New Years Eve, and though I don't reside to making resolutions...this one I will keep.
I cannot do this anymore. It isn't good for Me and it's certainly not good for Him. Time for new. It hurts like hell. Yes, he is choosing to stay in a dark place. He isn't reaching out. He is soooooo lost, confused, & angry about this place he finds himself in. I get that. But I can't live with him anymore. Not now.
Now He will probably go to his parents house where his RAM will try to "fix" it for Him. I would think with all her years in the program, she would know a lot about enabling. But it's her journey, not mine.
Sorry for the long post, there was so much to get out. If you find yourself reading this, thank you for giving Me your time. I know most of you can relate to this, and some of you may be in a better place than I am right now.
But I have faith that I will get there too.
I just have to get through today first.
I will post updates. I will go see a movie tonight. I will cry. I will write a lot. I will come home and enjoy my pets and my place. I will not listen to "Auld Lang Syne" because I can't handle that flippin' song right now... and tomorrow is another day.
I just have to remember to breathe.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 26
((Sofacat)):
I so get you and what you are feeling. Just when you get a taste, just when you think you can let down your guard and think "maybe the shoe is not going to drop", then comes the blindside. I have been through this a lot the past several years. The feelings of anxiety, the quickening in my stomach, always tell me before my head lets me know. My denial that he is using, or about to use. My anger and resentment at the disease and at him, for not working a program, and my anger at knowing how controlling I am/can be, and the bottom line is my expectations: that he can actually do this thing, and stay clean for a period of time. And my anger at myself for allowing myself to believe and possibly to trust him again, when it always, always ends up not lasting.
So, I am sitting at home with my three dogs. He is at his place. He crashed his car 2 days ago at 3 a.m. on the way to score crack. Busted for dui and destruction of property. I believe he lost his cellphone. He called me from the ER, told me that the cop punched him in the head and how he wasn't drunk etc. and the irony is that he probably was not yet wasted, but was on the way to get wasted. We have a corrupt police force, BUT if he had not been driving at 60mph up a super steep hill in a junkard at 3 a.m. on his way to score, it would not have happened. This just gives him more fuel for his unacknowledged victimization.
So enough about me. Can you center yourself tonight and just allow yourself to be. Can you be true to the boundaries that you know are "right", but are so difficult to keep? I keep faltering in this regard. Do you go to Alanon? Do you have a sponsor? My sponsor lives across the country but she is there for me, and she never judges me, even through my slips and "relapses". Do you have Mellody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" books? They are short readings that are so on point.
Just want you to know there are those of out there who are going through similar disappointments. We have to take care of ourselves. Addicts cannot do that for us. We have to love ourselves and we deserve to have happiness in our lives. I know lots of people who have relationships with people who are there, not high or drunk. There are people like that out there. Your husband has to make a decision. Has to reach the point where he wants to change. There is a post on this site called "King Baby" which is wonderful. I think it is on the substance abuse forum. You might recognize him and maybe yourself in some of the personas that are discussed.
Take some deep breaths. Close your eyes and tell yourself that you deserve someone in your life who can recipricate your love. An addict only loves himself and the substance. There is no room for you. My guy told me he did not think he could walk away forever because the drug is like "the most beautiful woman who is always there, waiting for you, and she knows exactly how to make me feel perfect". Talk about romanticizing the substance. I can't compete with that.
Sending you hugs from a very wam place.
NC girl
I so get you and what you are feeling. Just when you get a taste, just when you think you can let down your guard and think "maybe the shoe is not going to drop", then comes the blindside. I have been through this a lot the past several years. The feelings of anxiety, the quickening in my stomach, always tell me before my head lets me know. My denial that he is using, or about to use. My anger and resentment at the disease and at him, for not working a program, and my anger at knowing how controlling I am/can be, and the bottom line is my expectations: that he can actually do this thing, and stay clean for a period of time. And my anger at myself for allowing myself to believe and possibly to trust him again, when it always, always ends up not lasting.
So, I am sitting at home with my three dogs. He is at his place. He crashed his car 2 days ago at 3 a.m. on the way to score crack. Busted for dui and destruction of property. I believe he lost his cellphone. He called me from the ER, told me that the cop punched him in the head and how he wasn't drunk etc. and the irony is that he probably was not yet wasted, but was on the way to get wasted. We have a corrupt police force, BUT if he had not been driving at 60mph up a super steep hill in a junkard at 3 a.m. on his way to score, it would not have happened. This just gives him more fuel for his unacknowledged victimization.
So enough about me. Can you center yourself tonight and just allow yourself to be. Can you be true to the boundaries that you know are "right", but are so difficult to keep? I keep faltering in this regard. Do you go to Alanon? Do you have a sponsor? My sponsor lives across the country but she is there for me, and she never judges me, even through my slips and "relapses". Do you have Mellody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" books? They are short readings that are so on point.
Just want you to know there are those of out there who are going through similar disappointments. We have to take care of ourselves. Addicts cannot do that for us. We have to love ourselves and we deserve to have happiness in our lives. I know lots of people who have relationships with people who are there, not high or drunk. There are people like that out there. Your husband has to make a decision. Has to reach the point where he wants to change. There is a post on this site called "King Baby" which is wonderful. I think it is on the substance abuse forum. You might recognize him and maybe yourself in some of the personas that are discussed.
Take some deep breaths. Close your eyes and tell yourself that you deserve someone in your life who can recipricate your love. An addict only loves himself and the substance. There is no room for you. My guy told me he did not think he could walk away forever because the drug is like "the most beautiful woman who is always there, waiting for you, and she knows exactly how to make me feel perfect". Talk about romanticizing the substance. I can't compete with that.
Sending you hugs from a very wam place.
NC girl
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Good for you for following through with your boundaries. I guess I sort of followed through with mine to an extent. I told my AH (recovering for a year until a couple of weeks ago) that he would not be allowed in our home or around our son as long as he is using. So he is currently detoxing through an outpatient program and staying with his parents. They are helping him get through it and if he sticks to it, gets his naltrexone implant and gets back to NA he can come back.
It does suck when you feel like things start to get good and then they choose to go back to the drugs. I knew in my mind that relapse was a possibility, but I hoped that he would have the tools from his rehab and program to work through it. I can't imagine needing and wanting something that destroys my life.
I wish you all the best and a Happy New Year!
It does suck when you feel like things start to get good and then they choose to go back to the drugs. I knew in my mind that relapse was a possibility, but I hoped that he would have the tools from his rehab and program to work through it. I can't imagine needing and wanting something that destroys my life.
I wish you all the best and a Happy New Year!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Just wanted to say "hi", there are a lot of us here going through this sticking to our boundaries and setting limits. Not much to say except I will be checking in to see how you are doing. Am going through the same except that i have been going through it for the past year.
It does get easier with time. Then other things get to you. You may think too much so indulge yourself with some activity that keeps you distracted from thinking so much - that is why I play the arcade. Never thought I would be that way but it really helps. I also set small goals for a short period of time - like in the spring I went house/apt hunting to downsize - saw what was available - in the summer I joined a pool and caught up on my reading - in the fall I updated some things in the house - and this holiday I am making a quilt and working on a puzzle. Small things to make my life prettier or more comfortable. Don't forget to catch up on sleep - waiting and walking on eggshells gets tiring.
It does get easier with time. Then other things get to you. You may think too much so indulge yourself with some activity that keeps you distracted from thinking so much - that is why I play the arcade. Never thought I would be that way but it really helps. I also set small goals for a short period of time - like in the spring I went house/apt hunting to downsize - saw what was available - in the summer I joined a pool and caught up on my reading - in the fall I updated some things in the house - and this holiday I am making a quilt and working on a puzzle. Small things to make my life prettier or more comfortable. Don't forget to catch up on sleep - waiting and walking on eggshells gets tiring.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Originally Posted by ncgirl 
((Sofacat)):
I so get you and what you are feeling. Just when you get a taste, just when you think you can let down your guard and think "maybe the shoe is not going to drop", then comes the blindside. I have been through this a lot the past several years. The feelings of anxiety, the quickening in my stomach, always tell me before my head lets me know. My denial that he is using, or about to use. My anger and resentment at the disease and at him, for not working a program, and my anger at knowing how controlling I am/can be, and the bottom line is my expectations: that he can actually do this thing, and stay clean for a period of time. And my anger at myself for allowing myself to believe and possibly to trust him again, when it always, always ends up not lasting.NC girl
I so get you and what you are feeling. Just when you get a taste, just when you think you can let down your guard and think "maybe the shoe is not going to drop", then comes the blindside. I have been through this a lot the past several years. The feelings of anxiety, the quickening in my stomach, always tell me before my head lets me know. My denial that he is using, or about to use. My anger and resentment at the disease and at him, for not working a program, and my anger at knowing how controlling I am/can be, and the bottom line is my expectations: that he can actually do this thing, and stay clean for a period of time. And my anger at myself for allowing myself to believe and possibly to trust him again, when it always, always ends up not lasting.NC girl
Originally Posted by ncgirl
((Sofacat)): So, I am sitting at home with my three dogs.NC girl
Originally Posted by ncgirl
((Sofacat)): Can you center yourself tonight and just allow yourself to be. Can you be true to the boundaries that you know are "right", but are so difficult to keep? I keep faltering in this regard. Do you go to Alanon? Do you have a sponsor? My sponsor lives across the country but she is there for me, and she never judges me, even through my slips and "relapses". Do you have Mellody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" books? They are short readings that are so on point.NC girl
I do have "The Language Of Letting Go" and I keep it at my bedside. Funny, my AH's RAM bought it for Me a while back. I do read it on occasion. Good suggestion NC Girl, I'll open that up tonight.
I'm sorry to hear that you have faltered with your boundaries. It's sooooo hard to enforce them! I faltered last night, but I put myself to bed knowing that in the morning, no matter what...he would have to leave. It wasn't easy at all! Reading the posts from RA's on here has given me encouragement to know that it's the right thing to do. I can't believe I actually went through with it! If we have trouble with the A men in our life, can you imagine the strength that must take to ask your child to leave? I can't even imagine what that must feel like.
Right now I feel like I have a hole punched through my stomach and I keep crying without warning, but this is all very familiar and I know it will pass...eventually.
I do not have a sponsor yet, though I would love to. I tried to go to a meeting tonight, but once again..no one was there. The AA group showed up, but the Alanon group did not. I just sat in the church parking lot and went into a massive crying session. I wore myself out. I haven't been having much luck with the f2f meetings, but coming here has made all the difference in the world. A sponsor would have been very helpful last night.
Originally Posted by ncgirl
((Sofacat)): Just want you to know there are those of out there who are going through similar disappointments....NC girl
Originally Posted by ncgirl
((Sofacat)):There is a post on this site called "King Baby" which is wonderful. I think it is on the substance abuse forum. You might recognize him and maybe yourself in some of the personas that are discussed.NC girl
Originally Posted by ncgirl
((Sofacat)):Take some deep breaths. Close your eyes and tell yourself that you deserve someone in your life who can reciprocate your love. An addict only loves himself and the substance. There is no room for you. My guy told me he did not think he could walk away forever because the drug is like "the most beautiful woman who is always there, waiting for you, and she knows exactly how to make me feel perfect". Talk about romanticizing the substance. I can't compete with that.
Sending you hugs from a very warm place.
NC girl
Sending you hugs from a very warm place.
NC girl
Right now I am in my room, tv on, cat just curled up next to me and is purring, dog sleeping at my feet. I'm relaxed at the moment, but slightly unstable (PMS, remember?)...so i will not be watching any New Years Eve Celebrating on TV tonight. Just can't!
I'll probably be on here for awhile until I can sleep. Thank you so much for your words tonight.Stay strong Lady. Lets stay away from the mess & start this decade out fresh!
Happy New Year! Sending big hugs back!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sofacat))) - if it makes you feel any better, I LIVE addiction, and it still hurt me to my core when I had to leave my XABF because he wouldn't stop using. I cried, I grieved, I went through the "why does he choose drugs over me?" when I know that I never chose drugs over anyone...I just got a taste of that high and wanted more, more, more.
When he died, earlier in Dec., I grieved all over again...still am. However, I just KNEW that I couldn't go on with someone that I couldn't trust, that was going to put drugs before everything else.
It's hard, and it hurts, but we DO get through it. Just remember, sweetie...he's not doing it to you, so hold your head up high. This is HIS problem and it's up to him to figure it out. The most loving thing we codies can do is give them the dignity of letting them follow their own path and, hopefully, find recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When he died, earlier in Dec., I grieved all over again...still am. However, I just KNEW that I couldn't go on with someone that I couldn't trust, that was going to put drugs before everything else.
It's hard, and it hurts, but we DO get through it. Just remember, sweetie...he's not doing it to you, so hold your head up high. This is HIS problem and it's up to him to figure it out. The most loving thing we codies can do is give them the dignity of letting them follow their own path and, hopefully, find recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I still have this hole in my stomach. You see, the thing that is terrifying Me to the core right now, is the progression of this disease. He will die if He doesn't stop.
((( Impurrfect ))), your XABF died and others on here have had a similar experience.
I do not want this man to die from drugs! You hear about celebrities dying every day from the use of opiates. Regular folk too. That is the part that is killing Me right now.
And his enabling parents aren't going to help much with this. She's old school and knows booze, but they don't have a clue about opiates. I know addiction is addiction, but these pills are dangerous.
I know there is nothing we can do unless he wants to stop. I get that part, that's why he isn't here right now. I just can't believe someone who was so involved in the program is letting this go this far. 5 days and counting.
PS- After he left I found a Xantac box that he had ravaged through. For those of you who don't know this...Xantac helps heighten the opiate experience. They call it potentiation.
I am just praying that he is still breathing right now. It is painful. I'm not gonna lie.
I am so sorry that all of us are or were going through the throws of active addiction. It's not easy.
You all helped me a great deal last night. Thank you.
((( Impurrfect ))), your XABF died and others on here have had a similar experience.
I do not want this man to die from drugs! You hear about celebrities dying every day from the use of opiates. Regular folk too. That is the part that is killing Me right now.
And his enabling parents aren't going to help much with this. She's old school and knows booze, but they don't have a clue about opiates. I know addiction is addiction, but these pills are dangerous.
I know there is nothing we can do unless he wants to stop. I get that part, that's why he isn't here right now. I just can't believe someone who was so involved in the program is letting this go this far. 5 days and counting.
PS- After he left I found a Xantac box that he had ravaged through. For those of you who don't know this...Xantac helps heighten the opiate experience. They call it potentiation.
I am just praying that he is still breathing right now. It is painful. I'm not gonna lie.
I am so sorry that all of us are or were going through the throws of active addiction. It's not easy.
You all helped me a great deal last night. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I'm sorry, Sofacat.
Some of the very early education I received at my parent group (I have an ASon) in the form of testimony from other parents was that I indeed needed to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that his 'bottom' might very well be death. I was in total shock that this is what I was being told at my meeting! I thought these meetings were going to teach me how to CONTROL his behavior, how to make him STOP doing drugs!? I'll never forget that father sharing how he is fully prepared to hear that his son has died from an overdose. What courage! But I also learned that to enable him in ANY way was helping to dig his grave. That, above all, is what I wanted to avoid.
Don't know what to say to you other than I'm sorry you are going thru this. It sucks.
Some of the very early education I received at my parent group (I have an ASon) in the form of testimony from other parents was that I indeed needed to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that his 'bottom' might very well be death. I was in total shock that this is what I was being told at my meeting! I thought these meetings were going to teach me how to CONTROL his behavior, how to make him STOP doing drugs!? I'll never forget that father sharing how he is fully prepared to hear that his son has died from an overdose. What courage! But I also learned that to enable him in ANY way was helping to dig his grave. That, above all, is what I wanted to avoid.
Don't know what to say to you other than I'm sorry you are going thru this. It sucks.
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