stella27

Not AH-related...just highlighting my codie tendencies (of which I have been in major denial).

Friend's NY party tonight. A male I had invited said yes - and then told his buddy (my friend) that he wasn't going to be able to come. But he hasn't told ME that.

So I know he's not coming. That SHOULD be enough.
But these feelings of needing to chastise him for not telling me he's not coming (when *I* invited him!!!) keep popping into my mind.

Why am I so determined to let jerky people know that they are being jerks?
Why do I care that he doesn't want to come?

And how can I learn to make peace with what IS?

WizeDeb

I struggle with this too in my life. I have to learn I can not control how others interact with me. I can not control or try to push anyone to do something they want or dont want to do. Only person I can control is ME. Hard lesson to learn.

Insulated

Maybe at the root of this you feel betrayed and rejected. those are hurtful emotions. but now...you can get all gussied up and not have to worry about any of that. Ring in the New Year confidant, secure, and single and available! Woooohoooo!

pray4joy

I have the same problem when AH is being totally obnoxious I would do much better to tell the air silently )
Just now when I offered breakfast because I was cooking some for myself we had to have his temper tantrum...I told him he was being obnoxious and he went off into his room...maybe that's the payoff for me...he goes away and I don't have to deal with it...Still though, I would like to stay Peaceful within and not let his personality problems or rudeness shake my peace
THAT IS MY GOAL for today and the future...some days I am better at it than others.
Still the jerk should have communicated he wasn't going...I find my AH has very poor communication skills.

Bernadette

And how can I learn to make peace with what IS?

By accepting and trusting the process of life and that things are unfolding just as they should be. ( I actually have to say that kind of thing out loud when my mind starts spinning and spinning the same crap/resentment over and over!!)

Maybe him not being there will allow you the freedom to meet new people who you are meant to meet....maybe he is a cad and a louse and it is better to find out this way than in a more involved situation...maybe he just met the love of his life and is going off to Tahiti with her to celebrate 2010 and so, good for them! It just doesn't matter. I have to accept the flow of reality and trust that more will be revealed and all is well.

peace- enjoy the party!!!!
b.

Kittyboo

I wouldn't think that you're mad because you necessarily "care that he's not coming"...
what he did is a RUDE thing!

I'm sorry, but I think sometimes people should be told that they are rude. It has nothing to do with worrying about what someone's going to think of you, or feeling the need to make it clear when someone's a jerky jerk. IMO
They say pick your battles, which I agree with, though I don't think this is a "battle", but there's nothing wrong with standing up for expecting to be treated with respect.

The guy did a jerky thing! Period.....no fuss.

I guess my problem has always been NOT standing up for myself, and letting people just do whatever and not saying a word about it. I look at things very differently now, and if someone does something that hurts me or is rude, damn if i'm not going to say something!
It's not what you say, it's how you say it. I certainly don't have to fly off the handle, but I can certainly say "that is just not acceptable to me, take care!"

Have a great time tonight!!! I like Insulted's pov, "secure, single and available! wooohooo!"...and I will add Fabulous!

Bernadette

Yeah Kitty is so right. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean!
That goes a long way to dispelling resentments too.

b.